Fireball: Hello, and welcome to my awesome, extreme Interview-
Lancelet: WHOOOOP! GO, TEAM, GO!
Endark: ... What in the name of the great Grambi are you so hyped up about?
Lancelet: Don't you remember what Fireball announced at the end of the last Interview, Enders?
Endark: Obviously not, if I'm asking you.
Lancelet: Really? Fireball even faxed a memo to the rest of us this morning, to remind us in case we forgot. He even sent one to WT!
Endark: That Waluigi impersonator is coming back? I must be completely “out of whack”, as the kids say, if I can't recall a thing like that.
Lancelet: Don't you remember ANYTHING from Fireball's last show? Even though the orange-clad hero hasn't been working with us for a few weeks, FB still wanted to get him in this episode for old time's sake. And he brought back Amadeus, too!
Amadeus: Yo.
WT: For the record, the only reason I'm here is because I need a few extra bucks to pay my landlord if I want to keep my lovely home. Soon as this is over, I'm headed straight for a bed as far away from FB as possible.
Endark: Like I care.
Fireball: Who pays for their house?!
WT: ... I do. That's why I, not somebody else, need the dough. Got it? Good.
Endark: Now, Lancelet, what's the big news?
Lancelet: Well, Fireball wants one of his Interviews to win a "Tourist's Choice Award", to show that he's as talented at asking questions as he is at writing Scribbles. And to accomplish that, he plans for this show to be... THE LONGEST INTERVIEW EVER!
Fireball: That's so true, Lancelet... And... I hope WT will help out. Or do I...?
WT: If you didn't, I wouldn't be here... Or would I?
Amadeus: Would you?
WT: No way!
Endark: So, Fireball's going with “quantity is just as good as quality” on this project? I see. It'll cost him at least five issues of "Muhyo & Roji's Bureau of Supernatural Investigation" and one "Threads of Time" if he wants to use me as an interviewer.
Fireball: Don't worry, Endark, you will NEVER get those books.
Endark: ... Fireball, your logic astounds and confuses me. And it makes me want to throw up, too.
Kroshi: Yo everyone! It's me, Fireball's awesome friend!
Buzzy Beetle: I'm helping too, you know!
Fireball: Sure you are. But today, we will start off with Endark and Kroshi starting the Interview! I pulled some names out of a hat, and it was Endark and Kroshi... Like I said a moment ago... Kroshi and Endark... Wild team there...
Kroshi: Indeed, weirdoes. Today we shall be interviewing a Goomba! That's... that's just awful.
Endark: First, you say you won't pay me, which is the only reason I would help. Then, you order me to go onstage. It's astounding, confusing, and... well, you would know the third thing that your logic is if you were listening.
Fireball: ... What... is the third one?
Lancelet: Like how you were listening at the end of the last Interview, Mr. Amnesia? Don't worry; I'll buy the books out of my own account.
Endark: You will?
Lancelet: Sure! Fireball keeps giving me cash, and I don't really have anything else to spend it on.
Endark: ... Fine. I'll do it.
Fireball: Lancelet, your pay today is five coins. Endark, your pay is ten coins, live with it.
(Endark and Kroshi walk onto the stage. The Goomba is already there, waiting to be interviewed.)
Endark: Since you're the best friend of the host, I'll let you ask the first question, good sir Kroshi.
Kroshi: REALLY?! I really don't have a question in mind, but I'll try.
Wario: The slower the better! It means the great Wario can steal without anyone looking!
Lancelet: Not on my watch! ... Which has been missing for the past few days, now that I think about it.
Kroshi: Awesome. First question, how come there are different types of Goombas? Like regular brown, Gloomba blue, so on and so on?
Goomba: While our environment plays a key part- you'll notice that not a lot of Gloombas hang out above ground- our original training plays a major role. Bowser, Magikoopas, and Koopatrols help us train to get stronger. The more we train, the higher rank we reach. I'm just a brown Goomba, a plain one, you see. It takes years to get to be a Hyper green or blue Goomba, and a little bit longer if you want to be a red Goomba like the one that works for Goomboss.
Kroshi: Wow... That was just awful...
Mario: Agreed.
Endark: Well, nothing of value is fairly earned without a good amount of effort... or unfairly earned, if people like Popple and Wario count. Now, on to the second question! Since you mentioned Goomboss... Goomba King... the large, brown character with the crown and weird pants, I'd like to know why he's lacking in the minion department. Either he has a mere two associates whom aren't that much tougher than your typical Gloomba, or he has a small herd of regular Goombas that are used by Yoshi as ammunition. Wouldn't a king have an army grander than that?
Goomba: He does; nearly every single Mario-hating Goomba works under him. But since he himself works for Bowser, the Koopa King has the right to order guys like us to do whatever grunt work he pleases, leaving very little protection for the royal figure. It's the whole ”chain of command” thing.
Fireball: Wow, you guys can't put any puns or jokes in there?
Wario: Looks like they can't.
Goomba: I thought this was a serious-
Fireball and Kroshi: Serious?! What's that word mean?
Luigi: Morons.
Kroshi: Next question, where is the Goomba King?
Goomba: He's working on the next plan to destroy Mario and Yoshi. And Goombario too, probably. His plan so far is to send us in groups and attack Mario one at a time... which is the worst plan ever.
Mario: Now I know your attack! Hahahahahahahaha!
Endark: ... Sounds like every other battle strategy ever employed by a Goomba in the history of the universe. Let's move on, shall we? Now, I've got a question about Paragoombas that you might be able to answer. If jumped on, they lose their wings and become normal Goombas. Why aren't their feathered appendages still a part of them after a mere single blow, and not even to the wings themselves?
Goomba: It's a defense mechanism caused by natural evolution. Thousands of years ago, the enemies of Paragoombas were more natural and wild than the modern-day army. Since the wings of a Paragoomba are more delectable than the main body- that's what I've read, anyways- predators would be distracted by the fallen wings and allow the Paragoomba to run off and hide until he can grow a new pair.
Endark: Survival of the fittest... Oh, that Darwin's theory never grows old.
Lancelet: Who's Darwin?
Endark: A professor. I'd say more, but the mere fact that knowledge is involved might scare the saddle right off of Fireball.
Lancelet: ... Was that a pun?
Endark: The guy wanted humor, and I deliver my own brand.
Buzzy B: That... was awful too... Come on! You can't think of anything better?
Endark: Well, of COURSE I could... but I don't want to be kicked out of the studio before receiving my just payment from Lancelet.
Buzzy B: I could go on about how BAD that was! Not even the audience is laughing! COME ON! That's bad!
Kroshi: We get your point, Buzzy. Next question, who made the idea for the Spiked Goombas?
Goomba: Bowser and King Goomba. They put special glue on their heads, so it sticks there for a year or so. At least it's non-toxic; they're not stupid enough to kill their own army by accident. But the next question is, why don't they glue the wings…?
Kroshi: ... Why DON'T they glue the wings?
Goomba: Feathers are like gold to Goombas. And Mario can just rip them right off, if he had the mind to do it.
Endark: But then the games would be rated either T or M by the ESRB, and in either case, the target audience would just vanish.
Kroshi: So... serving your boss with your glue helps you guys win... You do whatever you can for your mini-army...
Goomba: Yeah.
Mario: If I was a Mushroom... which one would I be?
Endark: I have a good guess... But you're not the one being interviewed, so I'll keep the answer to myself. Now, Goomba, what is your average diet?
Goomba: It's a mostly vegetarian diet; berries, herbs, that sort of stuff. Goomnuts are also quite tasty, though the spiky shells of the larger ones are hard to remove. We should probably eat more meat in order to improve our strength, but it's quite difficult. Paychecks from Bowser aren't enough to buy quality meat at the store, and hunting is out of the question when you're usually the ones being hunted.
Mario: Are you... Are you going to tell me what kind of Mushroom I would be... or not...?
Endark: Oh, fine... You'd be a Mega Mushrooms. It appears to be your run-of-the-mill fungi, but underneath that ordinary surface lies enough power to grow larger and fiercer than any opponent, giving you the courage to take on all challenges.
Wario: I dislike Endark.
Fireball: As do I... But his pay today is a new book and 100 coins for being so good at his job, and having to keep up with Luigi, that crazy plumber! Buzzy and Kroshi will get a pay of 200 coins! Lancelet gets a new DVD of my awesome "Fight for Glory"... You should look at it, everyone. And WT gets 40 coins, 'cause he's never here... And I can change those whenever I feel like it...
WT: ... He doesn't even remember that I yelled at him on live camera and quit the group, does he? Figures.
Fireball: When... did you yell at me? But who cares, I’m the boss of this place! Or am I?
Kroshi: Sweet, 200 coins! But next question, is Bowser or Goomba King thinking of any other kind of Goomba to make?
Goomba: Goomba King is trying to make a gold Goomba. His defense will be very high, but his attack will be the attack of a blue Goomba. And, his new attack is two headbonks at the same time.
Fireball: They're improving.
Endark: Possibly... The methods they're probably going to use in order to make the Goombas look gold will probably lead to catastrophe, though. My next question is, how come Kuribo's Shoe isn't in any game except for Super Mario Bros. 3? I figure that, since the original was piloted by a Goomba, you'd be the one to ask.
Goomba: It's because we know how to learn from our mistakes... well, SOME of them, at least. The Shoe left our most vital area, the head, exposed for the entire world to see. And when Mario exploited that weakness, and used it to plow through the entire level with barely a scratch... well, we made a unanimous decision to never use those dang things again.
Fireball: WT's pay is now 35 coins!
Endark: ... I won't even bother to ask why. Any answer would be a ridiculous one.
Kroshi: Ouch. But for the next question, do ALL of the Goombas work for Bowser and Goomba King?
Goomba: No. A lot of Goombas don't even like Goomba King, and ignore his very existence. The majority of us do listen to Bowser, though. About ten percent of Goombas don't work for either Bowser or Goomba King... And don't ask me how I know that.
Kroshi: Fine, I won't...
Endark: I will! After all, isn't it our JOB to ask questions like that?
Goomba: Fine... I took a glance at one of Bowser's reports on planet-wide Goomba population once. He has things like that in case the current fighting force needs to draft new members. There's no rule against it, but I still feel guilty about it.
Fireball: HEY! Where's Andy the Spear Guy?
Buzzy B: I think he's still mad at you.
Amadeus: I think I'm behind the camera, filming this whole thing... And how about that? It appears that I'm right! And the name's Amadeus! ... You got the species right, though.
Endark: Let's just end this nonsense, shall we? I'm going to ask one more question. Kroshi can do whatever he wants after I ask it, but as for myself, I'm going to leave and get an icepack to soothe the headaches that the lot of you give me. So, Mr. Goomba, the big question that everyone on the planet wants to know... And we aren't going to take “no comment” or “a Magikoopa did it” for an answer any longer! How DO you pick things up, hold them, carry them, et cetera, without any arms?
Goomba: Well... we're kinda... psychic. Nothing major, unfortunately; just enough to levitate stuff in our immediate vicinity. There's no true explanation for it; it just happened somewhere along the evolutionary trail.
Endark: Finally, the question has been answered! And it also explains why your head is so mushy, if your brain is constantly radiating PSI waves. And now, with that over with, I am GONE!
(Endark hops off of the stage, and steps towards Lancelet. The archer gives him payment for his services, and then the snarky Shaman leaves the building.)
Fireball: YOU FORGOT YOUR NEW BOOK AND COINS! WELL, MAYBE LANCELET HAS THEM, BUT I DON'T HAVE A CLUE! I ENJOY TALKING IN A LOUD VOICE!
Lancelet: I do have them... And stop shouting! When I go on, I actually want to listen to the interviewer, and that requires functional ears!
Kroshi: Well, I guess I'm done, too. I will still sit in this seat and let two other people takeover, for Endark is boring.
WT: And out of the building, thank goodness.
(Fireball picks two names out of a hat again.)
Fireball: Buzzy and Lancelet will have to do the next part. Which means WT and me will work together... AGAIN! HOO-RAH!
(Fireball pulls a rope and ballonos and other cheerful stuff drop.)
Fireball: I’ve been waiting to do that for a long time!
Buzzy B: Since when did you have that there? Answer after my question.
WT: ... You set this up, didn't you, Fireball? Getting Endark out of the way first, and having me work alongside you... That couldn't be a coincidence! ... Well, it could be, but there are higher odds that you planned it all.
Buzzy B: ... Can I-
WT: Oh, sorry. Did I interrupt? Please go on.
Buzzy B: ... Goomba, how do Goombas hear?
Goomba: Whaddya say? ... No, I'm just joking... haha. But to honestly answer your question, we have little ears that no one can see... not even us. That's what I've been told by the elder Goombas. They have the most respect since they've been the longest-lasting Goombas in history.
Fireball: I put the balloons there during my first Interview show for when something awesome happened.. I like Pop Tarts...
WT: Please don't mention possible breakfast items, Fireball; I slept through the first meal of the day.
Lancelet: So, Mr. Goomba, here's a Super Mario 64-based question. In one of the last areas of the game, Tiny-Huge Island, there were a couple of Goombas located near the start of the level. How come a basic enemy appeared so late in the game, and why not spread out across the stage?
Goomba: Well, those three guys were supposed to be guarding the hole in the wall. If Mario was to ever enter the stage as a small guy, he would be unable to take either path: Bubba the fish was swimming in the nearby body of water, and the Goombas were SUPPOSED to be too big to jump on... But there were some miscalculations when it came to how high a plumber could jump. There weren't any others because, if Mario could get past the first batch, why would any other bunch of us be effective obstacles?
Lancelet: Well, I guess it really depends on strategy... Hey, wait a sec! Me and Buzz are the ones asking questions around here!
Fireball: *sigh* WT's pay is 50 coins, while Lancelet gets a raise, which takes away 20 coins from WT for today.
WT: At least until the next random alteration in pay.
Buzzy B: All right, next question; why do you have a lot of HP in RPG games, but not in other games?
Goomba: To be honest, we were even weaker in reality than Nintendo programmed us to be in the RPGs.
Buzzy B: Really? Why did Nintendo make you better than you are? You guys sign some sort of secret contract?
Goomba: Well, our HP is high because you shouldn't defeat us just too fast in RPG games; it takes all the fun out of leveling up. Like in Paper Mario, you can defeat us quickly, so they raised our HP in RPG so you could not defeat us as quick, and players would have a fun challenge at the game's start instead of an easy, unentertaining problem.
Fireball: That was confusing.
Wario: You could say that again.
Fireball: That was confusing.
Wario: You could say that again.
Fireball: That was-
WT: OH, SHADDUP!
Lancelet: ... I'd better make a mental note not to bug you any time soon, WT the Magnificent. Now, Mr. Goomba, how technologically advanced are most of your communities? Goomba Village from Paper Mario is rather rustic, but certainly, that one place can't be the standard for every group of you guys on the entire planet.
Goomba: As far as our buildings go, it's pretty similar to the ones in that Village; we like the rustic look, and it's hard for us to build anything too complex. But we're surprisingly high-tech in other areas, with Internet access, music players, and all that other cool stuff.
Yoshi: Yoshi like random comments!
Fireball: Good, ‘cause that's all that happens on this show. Now WT's pay is 70 coins, and it stays that way now.
WT: ... Saw THAT coming a mile away.
Buzzy B: Good, but now, on with the next question! How come the Goomba King, GOT to be the Goomba King?
Lancelet: Is there some sort of family lineage involved, or is it just that the biggest guy around gets to rule?
Goomba: Before Paper Mario, we didn't actually have a king. Bowser just picked a random Goomba when he had the Star Rod, and zapped him, and he got to be king. Pointless, huh?
Buzzy B: Pretty much, yeah.
Fireball: Man, this Interview was even better when I ate that extreme sandwich... Do we have a flashback? ... Nope... Pizza with mustard and pickles.
Lancelet: Ick! Pickles? Shriveled-up cucumbers soaked in brine? That's disgusting!
WT: ... Nothing to say about the mustard?
Lancelet: No, I'm good. So, Goomba, have your kind ever attempted to rebel against the other species? I mean, it's obvious that you wouldn't win one-on-one, but if you just swarmed them like Fuzzies or... whatever creatures made up Smorg in Thousand-Year Door, you could probably win!
Goomba: That might work... But what's the point? If we did that, then the allies of whoever we just creamed would gang up and attack us en masse. Small struggles now and then show that we're not as weak as one would think, but to make such a move would surely doom us all.
Fireball: Yeah, like in Paper Mario, the Shy Guys got in groups to get Mario, but Mario and Co. still won. And Shy Guys are stronger than you!
Goomba: Uh... Shut up!
Buzzy B: With the next question now, Goomba, how long would you need to train before you got to be a blue or Hyper Goomba, etc?
Goomba: It can take one up to a whole seven years to become a Gloomba, depending on a Goomba's strength and how much light he needs to be to stay healthy. After that, to become Hyper Green, you have to train another five years. You can't just go from Regular to Hyper without sufficient training in underground environments, you know.
Fireball: That was boring.
Wario: Well, when you really look at it, it was, really, really, really, really boring... Yeah.
Yoshi: Yoshi like random comments... again... YOSHI!
Lancelet: ... So... Gloombas AREN'T blue just because of the lack of sunlight?
Goomba: Didn't I just imply that? Goomba genetics is a lot like... those weird Chao things from those Sonic *spit* games.
Lancelet: ... Did you just spit on my shoe?
Goomba: I feel strange if I don't spit in disgust after saying that hedgehog's name. Anyways, back to the Chao/Goomba comparison. Environment has a bit to do with things; put a Chao in the Dark Garden instead of the Normal or Hero ones, and his transformation into a Dark Chao would be a bit more speedy. But, should he be given a lot of Hero Fruit and get a lot of attention from the good guys, he would probably become a Hero Chao. While a Goomba could become a Gloomba faster by training underground, that does not mean that merely being underground will change him into a Gloomba.
WT: ... That question had too much Sega in it. Next, please!
Buzzy B: I think you're talking about the question, so I will go then. Which type of Goomba does Bowser prefer?
Goomba: What... a... stupid... question. But really, he likes the plain Goombas better for some reason, instead of the Gloombas and Hyper Goombas. Maybe it's because he can't yell at them as much, because they can't go up another level.
Fireball: I... didn't get the Chao one, kinda confused me there.
Kroshi: Yeah, this... This is a crazy Interview.
WT: How many of Fireball's Interviews have you watched before? This is pretty much par for the course.
Fireball: I HOPE we get the Tourists’ Choice Award!
WT: As long as it's not aired the same week that General Toad's “Super Lemmy’s Land Kart” game is released, we should be fine... Rumor has it that it's going to be exciting, entertaining, and a bunch of other positive adjectives.
Fireball: Man, what a waste of an Interview if we don't get that award...Lemmy, if you’re watching this at home... Please!
Wario: With a Koopa Cherry on top!
Fireball: You can just say cherry... Or CAN you?
(DUN DUN DUN!)
Lancelet: ... Where did that ominous noise come from?!
WT: Probably some speaker system that was installed while we weren't looking.
Fireball: Well, I put it in, in my first interview show. It didn't work, so I fixed it, and whenever something surprising happens or something like that, it has the music... Sometimes it just does not do it! Don't complain if you don't hear it...
Lancelet: Oh. So, Goomba, how come so many of you look the same? All of the good Goombas, like Goombario's family, Goombella, and Prof. Frankly, all had unique hairstyles or hats. Is there some sort of unwritten rule that any expendable enemy has to look exactly like every other expendable member of his or her species?
Goomba: ... Yeah, pretty much. When you work for the enemy, you don't want to stand out in a crowd.
Lancelet: But if everyone else is unique, won't being “ordinary” seem a bit weird?
Goomba: ... Bowser's logic is fuzzy sometimes.
Buzzy. B: Next question, which minion do you look up to the most?
Goomba: Koopapartol... At least, I think that's their name.
WT: It's “Koopatrol”. It's a combination of “Koopa” and “Patrol”, and there's only one “pa”.
Wario: ... Grammar freak!
WT: That was spelling, not grammar!
Goomba: Well, anyways, they're so brave, smart, and strong, and they have great defense... *sigh*
Waluigi: I think I'll take the sub today... Who the number 7... Lives filled with decisions... Oh, wait, am I talking out loud?
(DUN DUN DUN!)
Kroshi: That was not surprising! But, oh well.
Buzzy B: Man, this Interview is even wilder than that time I was with zz1666!
(Flashback…)
Buzzy B: zz1666… STOP PARTYING AND HELP ME!
(End of Flashback…)
WT: Man, flashbacks are nothing like they used to be. Back in the old days... not that I was a part of them, of course; the first time I came to the site was when it was six or seven years old... where was I? Oh, yeah, now I remember. Back in the old days, a flashback could fill an entire chapter! Now, they've just become quick gags. It's sad how far the literary muse has fallen.
Fireball: If you're a Super Koopa and find yourself getting made fun of, live with it... ‘cause... you can make fun of me all you want! Yeah, we're even!
Lancelet: ... How many questions have Kroshi and I asked? ...Well, I guess we'll each do one more, and then let the main characters end the show. Goomba, are you... eh... a communist or a capitalist?
Wario: Oh, no way! Not THAT lame question! That question is even lamer then-
Amadeus: You mean “than”.
Wario: -that time me and Waluigi-
Amadeus: You mean “Waluigi and I”.
WT: ... Now THAT'S a grammar freak!
Amadeus: Well, Endark left, and SOMEBODY had to point it out!
Wario: Shaddup, you two! Like I was saying, this is more boring than when I wanted to get a sub!
(Flashback…)
Wario: I would like a sub.
Waluigi: Wario, why are you talking to me, when you COULD and SHOULD be heading to a sandwich place and buying a sub yourself? ... Or steal one, whichever you prefer.
Wario: ... Never mind; I'm not hungry anymore.
(End of Flashback…)
Lancelet: I'm sorry it's lame, but I just panicked! My mind blanked out; I couldn't think of anything else!
Goomba: ... To be honest, I'm more of a socialist.
WT: ... A what? Capitalists think that those with money and power should rule over the lesser folk, and communists believe in equality for everyone, even if some people don't deserve it. Lance, y'know what a socialist is?
Lancelet: How should I know?! Endark was the guy into politics, and he left five minutes ago!
Fireball: ... Who?
Kroshi: Who cares anymore?
Buzzy B: Next question, and my last one, what's the best kind of Goomba to be out of the following: Regular Goomba, Paragoomba, or Spiked Goomba?
Goomba: Probably the Paragoomba. It's fun to fly around, except when Mario comes.
Buzzy B: Well now, I will let WT and Fireball interview now.
Fireball: WT has a nice house.
(DUN DUN DUN)
WT: ... I. Do. NOT. Want to know how you know what my house looks like. Anyways, on with the show, so I can get the dough needed to keep that home. So, Goomba, how do you feel about not being anything more than a weak obstacle in Super Smash Bros. Brawl? They gave Hammer Bro his own Assist Trophy, so even with your lack of skill, you should've got something good for being the first enemy Mario ever encountered.
Goomba: Well, in the game before that, there was this Event Match stage where people got to fight on top of a giant trophy of me. So, I think that honor will last for a long, long time.
Fireball: What's so big about that?
Goomba: Well-
Fireball: HEY! Who's the one interviewing who now?
Goomba: You-
Fireball: HEY! Next question, who's your favorite Super Koopa?
Goomba: ... *sigh* Fine, I'll answer your question. It's Waluigi's Twin, and I am not being a suck-up. Waluigi's Twin is very smart, and quite funny at the same time.
Mario: You took the words, from nobody's mouth.
WT: You like me? You really like me?
Amadeus: Uh oh.
WT: ... What, aren't I allowed to be liked?!
Amadeus: No, it's not that. It's just that I think we're running out of stuff to talk about. Near the beginning we had all sorts of informative questions, like why a Goomba's skin color changes, and the long-awaited answer to how they can lift stuff. Now we're talking about things like the government and the place this Interview'll be posted once it's done. We're just going downhill.
WT: Well, that's the price you have to pay when you let an Interview drag on like this. I promise, though, that this next question will be topical. Goomba, what's your favorite type of videogame?
Amadeus: How is that topical?!
Fireball: Amadeus's name, is Amadeus the... not pizza guy.
WT: It gives us a clue as to how his mind works. He likes first-person shooters? That means that he's got good accuracy and that he's not afraid of the thought of killing anything... well, at least anything inside the game. Strategy games are his thing? He's a hard thinker and a careful planner. Stuff like Mario Party? Shows that even a minion of Bowser has a fun side to him.
Goomba: Well, I really like RPGs: Thousand-Year Door, Baten Kaitos, Megaman Star Force, that kind of stuff. I guess, according to WT's logic, that I'm a very focused individual, since you need a lot of time and patience to beat those things, and even more to get 100 percent.
Fireball: Talk about confusing. But, on with the next bad question! Was there a Goomba King before the Goomba King today?
Goomba: Well, technically. Goombario's grandparents, unlikely as it seems, used to act as a kind of governing voice to the others... until Bowser one day made Goomba King the king that he is today, and sent them into early retirement. So, it's really Bowser's fault.
Bowser: Blame Luigi for once!
Luigi: I always get blamed, or there is some gag that hurts me in some way. WHY DO I COME HERE?!
Fireball: We've been over this millions of times, blackmail.
Luigi: YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE ANY ON ME!
Fireball: I did. I probably lost it, but who cares?
Amadeus: Luigi does.
Fireball: Who?
WT: That was rhetorical, buddy-cameraman of mine. So, speaking of the Goomba King, why'd he hide the button that changed his castle into a bridge, inside of a freakin' TREE?
Goomba: Well, our headbonks aren't usually powerful enough to knock something out from that high, so anyone wanting to head to Toad Town in order to escape his tyranny would be out of luck. And sometimes, his two minions needed to get supplies from Toad Town themselves, so he couldn't just throw the button down a pit. Why hide it anywhere else if sticking it in a tree would be fine? ... Well, it was a fine place to put it until Mario showed up, of course.
Fireball: Maybe if his minions didn't say it out in the open, then Mario would have never found out.
Mario: Well, I really took a random guess. After all, there was more than one tree...
Fireball: Ah. But for the next awful question, who made that castle? Was it Goomba King, Bowser, or who?
Goomba: Well, Bowser and the Goomba King both claim to have built the castle, but neither one of them did it. It was really Kammy who did, using her magic.
Bowser: I did so make that castle!
Mario: It turned into a bridge, so Kammy made it. I've never seen you build anything that could transform into something else... Not counting your plans for world domination, which turn into failure.
Kroshi: Woah, this Interview is getting out of hands. Maybe this was a good idea.
Luigi: You mean bad, right?
Kroshi: No.
WT: Could've sworn Fireball was the only crazy one... Oh, well. So, Goomba, have you ever thought about using items against Mario? In The Thousand-Year Door, there were some enemies that brought an item with them into battle... Why not pull out a Fire Flower to toast some Toads every now and then?
Goomba: Well, the Tanoombas of the Beanbean Kingdom and Thwomp Volcano are Goombas that used Tanooki Leaves. But most Goombas have as much skill when it comes to using items as we have in attacking somebody, which is to say, we're rather pathetic.
WT: Tanoombas use leaves? I always thought they were the SOURCE of the leaves...
Goomba: Well, if that was the case, the Tanooki Suit wouldn't look like some big raccoon.
Fireball: Well, that made no sense.
Goomba: It did so make sense. You see...
Fireball: Just shut up, and let me ask you questions. Do you guys have any enemies other then Mario?
Goomba: Well, both Bowser and the Goomba King are trying to get revenge on Yoshi since he freed Mario in Super Mario 64 DS. Bowser is also mad at Yoshi from previous games, like Yoshi's Topsy Turvy. But even though we Goombas appeared in Yoshi's Island, we never considered Yoshi as an actual enemy until 64 DS, since we didn't encounter each other too often.
Kroshi: Well, that didn't explain a whole lot either.
(DUN DUN DUN!)
Fireball: I should get those fixed.
WT: Let's see... According to my count, Fireball and I have each asked at least five questions. And that's enough for me!
Lancelet: Does that mean...?
WT: Yep! This show's almost over! I'll be able to take my money and scram within the next couple of minutes! Now, who wants to choose the first seat?
Lancelet: I'll do it! Seat 27!
Tileoid R: Why-
WT and Fireball: NO.
Lancelet: ... Yeah, I know he's still supposed to be banned from these shows. But he asked me directly, and I just didn't have it in me to say no to his cute, pixilated face!
WT: Well, fine, but he leaves right after!
Fireball: You remember that day I banned you? I liked that day... So yeah, leave after this question.
Tileoid R: Works for me. Goomba, if you got your nonexistent hands on the Star Rod, what would be your first wish?
Goomba: Well, I'd wish that the only wishes that could affect me were my own. Last thing I'd need if I became some world-conquering dictator is for Mario to steal the Rod out of my clutches and use it to turn me into a slug.
Tileoid R: Okay, thanks for the answer.
(He leaves the studio.)
Fireball: He's gone... Hooray!
Buzzy B: I'll pick a seat. Seat 53!
Luigi: So, the Goombas are not afraid of me at all?
Goomba: You should know. In Super Paper Mario, they thought you were a wimp. They whispered it to each other as they were trying to make you feel good so you could protect them!
Luigi: So... am I a hero?
Goomba: NO!
Luigi: Woah, I became one of you guys a minute ago!
Kroshi: Happens to the worst of us, Luigi... I despise you!
Lancelet: Temper, temper...
WT: Seat 108.
Princess Peach: Do you think there's ever going to be a Goomba Queen?
Goomba: Probably not; our current king is much too egotistical to get married. If he had a wife, or even children, that would mean he'd have to share what little power he has over the rest of us. And he wouldn't want something like that to happen anytime soon.
Fireball: Lame... Or was it? Seat 421.
X-Naut Dude: Like, dude, like, why weren't you in that, like, game? "Mario and Luigi: Partners in Time", dude? In, like the past?
WT: Uh... There WERE Goombas in the past: regular ones in Baby Bowser's Castle, Tanoombas on Thwomp Volcano, and Tashroombas in the Shroobified Peach's Castle.
X-Naut Dude: Like... whatever, dude. In that case, why were the, like, regular Goomba dudes and dudettes only in that one, like, spot?
WT: ... Please stop talking. My ears are going to bleed if you don't.
Goomba: Ok, to answer that second question, when we found out the Shroobs were attacking, we really didn't want to get killed out there! They even had laser gun thingies! It would be too dangerous, and that's why you only see us in the castle in the past.
Kroshi: Woah, that was confusing.
Buzzy B: You’re not telling me!
Luigi: I think you mean- Oh, what's the point?
Lancelet: Seat 981!
Fawful: How come the Goombas of Tanookiness can be transformifying into things like Thwomps of doom and the balloons filled with air of FURY, when the red and green fink rats can only change into statues of severe heaviosity?
Goomba: ... Why can Tanoombas transform into a lot of stuff, you say? Well, they've lived their entire lives with those Tanooki Leaves, so they've gained a lot of skill with them. They've practically bonded together, which is also why they don't lose the leaves if they're hit.
Fireball: Ok! This interview is REALLY not confusing me!
Luigi: *sigh* No comment...
Kroshi: Good, because no one cares about your comments!
WT: I do, in an "I'm-glad-I'm-not-the-only-sane-one-around-here" kind of way.
Kroshi: Seat 52,525!
Boo: How much do you Goombas make from Bowser or the Goomba King?
Goomba: Nothing! But, there are perks. Bowser lets the most loyal Goombas sleep inside his castle, instead of at some barracks nearby, and the Goomba King treats his minions similarly. Plus, Bowser gives us a little to eat now and then, while we've snuck snacks away from the Goomba King time and time again while never getting caught.
Buzzy B: Must stink working for those two.
Goomba: A little... Yeah...
Lancelet: It'll probably be even worse now, since you've just admitted to all of our viewers that some of you steal food...
WT: Seat 11,110!
Wizzerd: If every Goomba got to choose whether to be rich or to be with somebody that loves them, which option do you think most would choose?
Goomba: Well, we Goombas are actually quite smart. If we wished for somebody that loved us, we'd probably be stuck with monsters from an H. P. Lovecraft story that want to cuddle us to death, savages that merely love how we TASTE, or something even worse. And if we were rich, the money would eventually go away, either because of taxes or a group of thieves. Plus, there's the matter of HOW we became rich; Bowser would be furious if half of all his gold suddenly disappeared from his coffers and fell into our non-existent hands. But, out of the two, most would probably want to be rich, because the riches themselves won't kill us... y'know, with the exceptions of the Black Jewel from Wario Land, anything cursed, and anything dipped in radioactive waste. With so many Goombas wishing for easy cash, at least ONE treasure trove ought to be non-lethal.
Wario: I don't understand what you guys said, but I LOVE money! Plus jewels, coins-
Kroshi: You don't have to get into it, Wario, we’re doing a interview. Seat 352,533.
Roy: Why don't you Goombas have any armor or defense to protect you?
Goomba: Easy question to answer.
Roy: Then just answer it if it's so easy.
Goomba: Then I shall... We're too weak, if you didn't notice, son of the Koopa King! The armor would be too heavy for us to put on! We’re not as strong as you! If we had that armor on, Mario wouldn't have to do a thing; we would be thinner than a pancake!
Mario: Well, I would attack you for the fun, but other than that, you make a great point.
Lancelet: Items designed for defensive purposes being what kills you... Ironic, in a way. Seat 2!
WT: ... Just number two?
Lancelet: Well, the numbers just keep getting bigger and bigger, so I didn't want to leave some of the earlier guests behind.
Russ T: Humans consider others to be beautiful depending on matters like weight and hair color. Us Toads are quite similar, in that we find interest in each other's spots, and there aren't many of us that are overweight AND in a relationship. Considering that there are few differences between males and female Goombas, how do you judge beauty?
Goomba: Another simple answer. We don't. Instead of judging somebody by their appearance and then choosing how to interact with them because of it, we see each other as equals. If you're a jerk, you're a jerk; good looks can't mask that for our kind.
Lancelet: ... Well, this is sad. The most common minion in this universe has, apparently, a better-working society than every other race in existence. If only we were all like that; so understanding of others... *sniff*...
WT: Don't start crying in front of the cameras, you wuss! ... I just proved his point, didn't I?
Amadeus: Yep.
Luigi: I can't believe WT said "wuss" and other harsh words to Lancelet!
Amadeus: Well, with Endark gone, I guess somebody else had to fill the role of “snarky comment-maker”.
Luigi: ... But WT DOES have a point... And I think I am helping prove Lancelet's point, too.
Mario: You are. Nice!
Buzzy B: Seat 44.
Jr. Troopa: Why don't you Goomba wimps have any items to carry around?
Goomba: We do sometimes, but we would probably be beaten up before we could even use them. And I wouldn't be talking, you’re the wimp!
Mario: What that random Goomba said!
WT: Well, that little tyke did somehow become Mario's rival in Paper Mario... though he did as well against said plumber as any member of Team Rocket would against that electric mouse creature.
Fireball: I'm ordering pizza. What do you want on your slice, WT?
Mario: Me, Wario, Luigi, Waluigi, Kroshi and Buzzy Beetle want Mushrooms with honey blue syrup on our pizza side!
WT: I'd like some hot pepperoni with red peppers. I've always preferred a little spice in my meals.
Amadeus: I'll share with WT.
Lanelet: And you didn't ask me, but in case there's still some room, I'd like ground beef and olives. Yeah, it sounds a bit weird, but it's actually quite tasty!
Fireball: That's sick, Lancelet! Saying weird is tasty.
Luigi: Well, Lancelet said-
Wario: I advise you to shut up.
Luigi: ...
WT: And now, let's get on with the show. I think... three more audience questions, followed by that one Mario almost always asks, should do it. Seat 892!
X-Yux: Since all of the options that other interviewers have asked will end in failure= items getting stolen, armor flattening you as it's being equipped- what do you Goombas think could be the best way to gain the edge on the heroes of the world?
Goomba: Well, a few Goombas are trying to get the Magikoopas to teach them a few of their spells... But, the few that have succeeded keep setting themselves on fire by accident. But, if we eventually get the hang of it, Mario's going to face a whole new kind of trouble! I think we'll call ourselves “Goomages”...
WT: That name... Well, let's just say that I've heard MUCH better.
Goomba: Yeah, but it'll be a few years until that happens, so there's plenty of time to think of a better one.
(Fireball turns off his phone.)
Lancelet: ... I don't remember Fireball turning his phone ON. Is that a bad thing?
Amadeus: Not as bad as the fact that you're talking to an action.
Fireball: He'll be here in less than ten minutes, or we get it free!
Kroshi: He won't make it in time; they never do, but they still make you pay them the money!
Fireball: Seat 1.
Toadsworth: I thought you would never call out my-
Buzzy B: Just ask a question.
Toadsworth: Why I say, that's a bit rude! Anyway, why don't you learn any new attacks?
Goomba: My, because we don't have any ARMS, nor do we have LEGS! We've just got puny feet! We can only talk, and do HEADBONKS! That's IT! Like I was saying earlier, we would need some kind of special magic to do any more moves and damage.
Fireball: Well that was rude, but who cares...? And don't someone say "I do".
Endark: Then I won't... I'll just state that everyone, except educated fellows such as myself, don't.
WT: Hey, when did you get back?
Endark: I slipped in unannounced a few minutes ago. I accidentally dropped my favorite bookmark on the way out, so I decided to come and get it back... Plus, what with all of the Interviews I've been a part of, there must be at least ONE fan that enjoys my presence. It's statistically certain.
Fireball: Really? Well whoever that fan is, has bad taste in characters.
WT: Whatever... Want to call out the last audience seat before Mario's Q wraps things up?
Endark: I may as well. Seat 744,362.
Fice T: I'm not saying that he will, but if Bowser eventually takes over the world, what do you think will happen to you?
Goomba: Well, I imagine that the roles in society will be flipped. Goombas will probably take the place of Toads as regular village inhabitants, while Toads would have to go back to nature, possibly becoming bandits in order to earn enough to make ends meet.
WT: And that's it. Just one last, final, ultimate question to go. Let's do this!
Fireball: Well, it's time for the most important question of the night.
Endark: ... I knew it was the last, and therefore has some significance. But even more important than the whole “no arm” thing? This is just sad.
Fireball: Seat M1.
Mario: Did you REALLY think you could beat me?!
Goomba: Wow, you have to be kidding me.
Kroshi: Does it look like he's kidding?
Goomba: *sigh* He looks pretty serious. I had no chance in great-fire-of-Goombas!
Mario: Knew it.
Fireball: Well, it seems that this Interview is finally over!
Mario: DANG!
Fireball: I know, Mario.
Endark: I think we ALL know; that exchange has become a bit of a tagline for you two.
Lancelet: We did it... Oh my Grambi, we did it! The biggest Interview EVER! ... I think. I'd just like to take a moment to thank our fans; we wouldn't have got this far if we weren't sure if anyone was even watching! Does anyone want to say anything special?
Koshi: Well, there's a weekly award system, right? I hate to sound needy, but please consider this show when you're choosing your votes. A lot of time and effort went into this, y'know.
Endark: Finally, the insanity is over. I'll opt not to stay for pizza; I've got fresh copies of Yumeki Kenbun (Nightmare Inspector) and Muhyo & Roji: BSI waiting for me back home.
Endark leaves the building... again.
Buzzy B: Well, it's been real, and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun.
Mario: It hasn't? I thought it was.
Buzzy B: ... Okay, I'll admit it; some parts, I was honored to be a part of.
Amadeus: I'm only a bit part when it comes to this show, but I hope that I've been of service!
Wario: The great Wario doesn't care about his fans! ... Much. You've been a great audience, folks, though you're still not as precious to me as a freshly-printed dollar!
Goomba: ... Should I say something? I'm just the interviewee, after all...
WT: Oh, go ahead. I won't stop you.
Goomba: Thanks! I'm just happy that so many people find interest in us Goombas, even though we're not exactly the greatest minions around. It really means a lot to us!
WT: ... Well, all of the compliments to our fans that I can think of have already been said, so I might as well just advertise. Nothing against it, is there? Let's see... Did I mention that General Toad is working on a Mario Kart-esque game? It's supposed to be good, so when it comes out, take note of it. The work between SG and I, Acht Sunden' if it doesn't already, will have a picture of the main cast near the top of Page 1, courtesy of Fireball here. Other than that, it might not be updated in a while...
Amadeus: Why not?
WT: Because we decided to create a prequel to it. When the star is as big of a melodramatic con-artist as myself, we felt it was best to at least tell the audience why that is. Oh, and 'Set Sail For That One Place... I'm working on it, trust me.
Fireball: Well, I would like to thank everyone who did this Interview, and the pizza man, who just arrived!
Amadeus: ... Everyone?
Fireball: Yep; even you, Amadeus the Spear Guy, WT's friend and cameraman.
Amadeus: ... You got my name right! And my position, too! I guess you respect us after all! Let's dig in, everyone!
(The pizza man gives them their pizzas, and all the slices have Mushrooms with Honey Blue Syrup on top.)
WT: ... I guess some things just never change.
Amadeus: And he was so close, too...
Fireball: End transmission!
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