(General Toad is sitting in a chair in his meeting room, next to a phone.)
General Toad: Ok... This is it. The "big-daddy" of interviewers.
(GT picks up the phone and dials a number into it. After a few rings, someone picks up.)
GT: Yes, hello. Is this Dark Koopa? Well, anyways, I'm General Toad, an interviewer, like you, only nowhere near as popular as you. I was wondering if perhaps you would mind interviewing someone with me perhaps?
And meanwhile at Dark's Interview Studio…
Dark Koopa: Popular? Since when am I popular?
(The camera pans to an empty audience.)
Dark Koopa: Does a single person watch your Interviews?
GT: Well, we have a live audience like most people do, but many take permanent damage... I just figured someone who has been "on the air" as long as you have would be considered popular.
Dark Koopa: I'm on the air so long because of slavery! I'm a slave that can leave whenever he wants. Sure. But okay, I'll do it. But only if you bring people.
GT: If you’re a slave who can leave whenever he wants, can't you just leave... now? But, ok. I'll be over soon.
Later…
(General Toad walks into Dark's Studio, followed by Admiral Bobbery and other random people.)
GT: Well, this was the only person I recognized while I was walking here, so I gave him $25 if he would let us interview him. As for these people, they're only here because you told me to bring them.
(Suddenly Gloomtail bursts into the studio.)
Gloomtail: Is that fool Roy here?!
Dark Koopa: Why?
Gloomtail: Sports Hall.
Dark Koopa: Oh yeah, that was funny.
Gloomtail: ...
Dark Koopa: Hey, wait, I lost too! General Toad, did you bring Roy? He doesn't come to my Interviews anymore.
GT: I'm not sure. Let's find out.
(GT turns to the people.)
GT: Is ROY KOOPA here?!
Voice: No I'm not!
(GT turns to Dark and Gloomtail.)
GT: Yep, he's here.
Roy: Shut up, idiot!
Gloomtail: Hello, dead meat.
(Roy runs out of the studio, screaming. Gloomtail chases, prancing in a fashion similar to Pepe le Pew, at the same time making several holes in the ceiling from said prancing.)
Dark Koopa: ... I'm not paying for that.
(Lemmy appears from the crowd of people.)
Lemmy: Do you think I am?
GT: All right, time to get started I suppose.
(All the people in the audience sit down.)
Dark Koopa: Hi Bobbery.
Bobbery: 'ello.
Dark Koopa: Wanna pay for my roof?
Bobbery: No.
Dark Koopa: I hate him. NEXT INTERVIEWEE!
GT: Pfft, I'll just pay for the roof. I had to do it all the time before that X-Naut disappeared... *shudder*
(The X-Naut walks up next to GT from the audience.)
X-Naut: Hey little Mushroom dude! I remember breaking your ceiling a lot!
GT: This is going to be a long Interview....
Dark Koopa: I doubt it. It's only Bobbery. He's not interesting at all.
Bobbery: I can hear you, you know.
Dark Koopa: Good. Let's start by asking... Where do you live now?
Bobbery: Same place Mario found me. What makes you think I wouldn't move back?
Dark Koopa: Because... it’s Rogueport.
Bobbery: And?
Dark Koopa: It's a dump.
Bobbery: Yeah, the sewers are so much better.
Dark Koopa: In comparison... yes.
Bobbery: Hmph.
Dark Koopa: So you don't SAIL THE SEAS anymore?
Bobbery: I do... just not as often as in my prime. I'm getting a bit old for that.
GT: So, why are you an admiral?
Bobbery: I used to serve in the Bob-omb Navy.
GT: There's a Bob-omb Navy?
Bobbery: Shouldn't you know that?
GT: No.
Dark Koopa: Yeah, really. Who cares about Bob-ombs?
Bobbery: Would you care if one blew your head off?
Dark Koopa: I'd care about my head being blown off, but not the Bob-omb itself.
Bobbery: I see your point.
GT: I'm pretty sure you’re not supposed to agree when he insults you. Anyways, why is your Bob-omb wind-up nob thing on your back a ship's wheel?
Bobbery: Because I'm a sailor!
GT: Shouldn't Pa-Patch have one too, then? His are bones!
(The audience looks at Pa-Patch, who is part of the audience.)
Pa-Patch: Don't look at me, ya bloomin' idiots!
Bobbery: I'll just answer. Yes, it's because I'm a sailor, but it's not like I was a sailor upon creation. I requested for it to be added on. So it's like a decoration.
Dark Koopa: That must explain the mustache.
Bobbery: Yes. Bob-ombs don't get those normally.
***
Gloomtail: You know, I would have caught you by now if I wasn't prancing.
Roy: Then why are you?
Gloomtail: Because it's fun!
Roy: Didn't you already get revenge on me in a Scribble?
Gloomtail: Yes, but I'm not satisfied.
Roy: Stupid authors in such a hurry to get me hurt... It's only been a couple days.
(Suddenly, Roy's legs turn into cement blocks.)
Roy: ... Stupid authors!
Gloomtail: Gwahaha!
Roy: And stop laughing like that! It's weird.
***
Dark Koopa: So, do you talk to the other partners Mario had?
Bobbery: Can't say I liked very many of them. Vivian was decent, but the rest annoyed me.
Dark Koopa: Hey, let's have audience questions. I haven't had those in a while! Only last Interview! But that wasn't in my studio so it doesn't count!
GT: Seat 81!
Shy Guy: Why are you brown, when most Bob-ombs are black or blue?
Bobbery: The fierce sun tanned my skin on the deck of me ship!
Cortez: Arg, you mean my ship!
GT: But it was brown when Mario met you.
Bobbery: Aye, I know. I meant me ship from before!
GT: Riiight... Seat 38!
(Snift, MagiBoo, and Doopliss Guy are all piled onto Seat 38.)
MagiBoo: Hi GT!
GT: Wait, what?! Why are you guys here!
Snift: Don't you remember? We were buying snowcones when Lakiblizzard was interviewing with Fireball! We joined the massive crowd of people following you down the streets of town!
Frosty the Snowman: But... people follow ME down the streets of town!
(Frosty melts.)
GT: Urgh, do you have a question or not?
Doopliss Guy: How did you, if you were an admiral in the Navy, end up living in a run-down house in Rogueport?
Bobbery: Money only lasts so long.
GT: And that's the moral of this Interview.
Dark Koopa: Money would last long for me... if I ever got any!
(Lemmy laughs evilly.)
Dark Koopa: And did you just say your "skin" got a tan? Bob-ombs don't have skin!
Bobbery: Tan, rust. Same bloomin' thing.
Dark Koopa: It's really not.
Bobbery: Rust is due to age, so many older Bob-ombs can be brown.
Dark Koopa: Well, SOMEONE'S inconsistent.
Bobbery: You're gonna get it.
Dark Koopa: I think not.
***
(Roy runs inside Castle Koopa. Ever notice how there's like five different ways to say Bowser's Castle? See? There's another already.)
Gloomtail: Shut up, Narrator. And darn it, I hate it when people go inside. Buildings, my only weakness.
(Gloomtail knocks on the door with a claw.)
Gloomtail: Hello? Someone answer! I have pizza!
(Morton quickly answers the door.)
Morton: Pizz- Gah! You're not pizza at all!
(Morton closes the door.)
Gloomtail: Oh boo.
***
GT: Ok, seat 96!
Beanish: Where did you acquire your love for Chuckola Cola? I haven’t seen it sold outside of the Beanbean Kingdom.
Bobbery: As a sailor, I've been to many lands and tried many exotic foods. Like Dark Koopa on a stick.
Dark Koopa: Wait, what?
Bobbery: Dark Koopa... on a stick.
Dark Koopa: Who are these sick people doing mildly sick things?
Bobbery: I don't remember.
Dark Koopa: You tell me right now or I'm telling Gloomtail to attack.
Bobbery: First, he doesn't listen to you. Second, I've beaten him before.
Dark Koopa: I'm gonna go with what he said in that it was a lie. And even if it was true, it was like eight on one. You "heroes" just have to stack the odds against the baddies, don't you?
Bobbery: They're evil. Why should we agree to their terms if they'll try any sneaky tactic to win?
Dark Koopa: Honor and such. Duh.
Bobbery: No.
Dark Koopa: What about... Yoshi on a stick?
Pura: ... Hm?
Bobbery: Haven't had that. Nope. No sir.
Dark Koopa: I think you're lying.
Bobbery: I think not. GT, ask the audience again.
GT: I'm not playing Who Wants to be a Millionaire.
Bobbery: What... Fine, just, Seat 64, ask a question.
Squishy Goomba: Where do you get the bombs for your bomb squad attack? And how do you throw them if you don't have arms? And why is the word squishy in front of my name?
Bobbery: Well, first, I have the bombs hidden in me hat. Second, I can throw them the same way Goombas like you can hold things. Third, the word squishy is in front of your name because the writers put it there.
Squishy Goomba: But what purpose does it serve?
(A rock falls on SG, squishing him like the squishy little Mushroom that everyone likes to squish. Squuuish.)
Squirps: ~Squish me!~
Dark Koopa: ... No. You have problems. Go seek help. Immediately. And go back to space. We don't want you here.
Squirps: I'm telling my mom on you!
Dark Koopa: Ooh, I'm so scared. What's someone that's not even alive gonna d-
(Dark Koopa is struck by lightning.)
Dark Koopa: -o. Ow. Seat 99.
Hooktail: Where's Gloomtail?
Dark Koopa: Chasing people, I guess. How'd you get in here without me noticing?
Hooktail: I entered while you were chasing a butterfly.
Dark Koopa: Stupid butterflies. Always getting my atte- Ooh, butterfly!
(Dark Koopa goes to chase the butterfly.)
Thumbs: Why are there butterflies indoors?
Hooktail: Okay, Bobbery, give me one good reason why I shouldn't kill you for hurting my brother.
Thumbs: That isn't a question.
Hooktail: Shut it.
Bobbery: Uh... It didn't happen?
Dark Koopa: (while chasing the butterfly) That's what I said!
Hooktail: But you implied it happened, which means you wanted to do it. I know what you're thinking!
Bobbery: Are you psychic?
Hooktail: Well, no.
Bobbery: Then you don't know what I'm thinking.
Hooktail: Curses!
(Hooktail stomps on a few audience members in anger, then leaves the studio.)
Bobbery: Phew.
Dark Koopa: This is why people don't go to my Interviews!
Thumbs: I thought it was because they're bad.
Dark Koopa: Tell the world, why don't you?
Thumbs: I just did.
GT: You could broadcast to the Underwhere. No potential for death there! But anyways, seat 45!
Random Audience Guy: Seat 45 was destroyed by Hooktail.
GT: Oh. Hey Thumbs, while you’re standing there, do you have a question?
Thumbs: No, no I do not, and I am offended that you think I do... So Bobbery, ever run into PIRATES? Besides Cortez, of course.
Bobbery: All the time. It's incredibly annoying, since they almost always manage to steal something. It's part of why I'm so poor lately.
GT: Sorry Thumbs. Anyways, I have one last question that just came to me. Why do you have a Shine Sprite block in the back room of your house?
Bobbery: It's one of my most prized treasures that I found in my sailing days.
GT: You know, Mario probably took it and used it to power up one of his partners, maybe even you.
Bobbery: If it was me, I would have seen it.
Thumbs: You should go ask him.
Bobbery: Oh, I will. I WILL!
(Bobbery storms out of the studio.)
Dark Koopa: Pretty sure he's mute.
Thumbs: Not always. Weren't you chasing a butterfly?
Dark Koopa: It died.
Thumbs: Aw.
GT: Aw.
Audience: Aw.
GT: Well, I might as well get going, seeing as the interviewee is gone. Goodbye!
(General Toad walks out, followed by MagiBoo, Doopliss Guy, and Snift, the latter three of whom are still stacked up but collapse when they try to walk through the door. GT pokes his head back inside.)
GT: Shame Hooktail didn't squish you guys too.
Squishy Goomba under a Rock: Squiiish....
Squirps: Squuuish!
GT: Oh shut up!
(GT, Doopliss Guy, MagiBoo, and Snift leave for real this time.)
Dark Koopa: Who were those people?
***
(Gloomtail can be seen asleep in front of Kastle Koopa. Another way to say it!)
Roy: Is he still out there?
Morton: Yes. And he lied about the pizza.
Roy: This stinks. I'm gonna go shock Larry.
Larry: WHAT?! BLAGIDIBLAGADIBLAGIDIBLAGADIAAAAG! End Transmission.
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