(Joshua is in a hospital bed, because of his crushed lung. Jeff, Shadow Queen, Max, Inferno and John are visiting.)
Joshua: I don’t believe this. I had freakin’ Big Berthas fall on me in one of my early Interviews! And THIS puts me in THE hospital.
Max: It’s probably a poor excuse for a plot device.
Joshua: So is most of the stuff the author does to me.
Inferno: At least it can’t get any worse.
Joshua: Aw, why’d you have to say that? You jinxed me!
(Nothing happens.)
Joshua: Any second now…
(Meanwhile, DB, Zed and Thunk are hurtling towards Plit at breakneck speed, having been punched by Bouldergeist at the end of their last Interview.)
Zed: Before we disintegrate upon re-entering Plit’s atmosphere, I’d just like to say one thing. I hate you both.
DB: Likewise, Zed. Likewise.
Thunk: Oor!
(They re-enter the atmosphere, but are protected by Joshua’s author’s Holy Author Power.)
Zed: Why can’t my existence just end…?
Joshua’s Author: Because I need you for something right now.
DB’s Author: Hey! Don’t I get a say in this?
Joshua’s Author: I’ll give you something shiny.
DB’s Author: SHINY! I’m in!
Zed: Nuts.
(DB, Zed and Thunk fall towards the hospital Joshua is in and crash through the ceiling, landing on him.)
Joshua: MEDIC!!!
Dr. Mario: I’m-a Mario!
Joshua: … DIFFERENT MEDIC!!!
Dr. Mario: I’m a medic!
Joshua: I SAID DIFFERENT MEDIC!!! DOES NOBODY EVER LISTEN?!
DB: Urgh… Stop yelling into my ear, weird, horribly injured person I’ve never met.
Zed: I thought… Boos didn’t have ears… Pain.
DB: Shut… Shut your mouth.
John: … Who are these weirdoes?
Inferno: Should I just get rid of them right now?
Jeff: They DO look rather generic, and I’m assuming that killing them would be a fast, simple matter.
DB: Eh?!
Zed: Generic?!
Thunk: Killing?!
(The three leap to their feet almost instantly, yes, even Thunk, who never gets back up that fast, and even DB, who simply lacks feet.)
DB: Ha! I scoff at you ignorant hospital dwellers! For we are no ordinary trio! We are…
Thunk: The three…
Zed: Shadow Sir- Er, wait, that’s not right…
DB: Darn it, Zed, you messed it up!
(DB punches Zed in the head.)
SQ: Ugh, these pests are ANNOYING. Can we PLEASE get rid of them?
Joshua: Hey. I’m not sure if anyone noticed or not, BUT I STILL NEED A MEDIC!!!
DB: (While slapping Zed repeatedly) … Well, Zed has a knife collection. That’s sorta like a medic, right?
Zed: Those are my throwing knives!
John: Wow, these guys don’t shut up.
Inferno: This is boring. And you’re still standing on my boss! You three idiots die now!
(Thunk moves in Inferno’s path.)
Thunk: Hur hur. Aw, cute little fireball thinks it can incinerate Thunk’s tough rock body?
Inferno: CUTE?!
John: Let it go.
Inferno: Grr…
Zed: I’d just like to say right now, for the record, I have nothing to do with these two… I can’t even think of a proper insult.
Jeff: Then you have a very long way to go in the world of insults.
Joshua: As entertaining as this is, I STILL NEED A FREAKING MEDIC!
DB: Oh, blah blah blah, your needs.
Joshua: Must… resist… urge… to scream… in frustration…
(Max is seen talking to a Pokey with a large thorn in its eye in the bed opposite Joshua.)
Max: So, what are you in for?
Pokey: …
Max: DON’T BE DISSIN’ THE HORNS, FOO’!
(He attempts to obliterate the Pokey, but is reprimanded by the Shadow Queen.)
SQ: No! I want to obliterate him!
(Her hand glows with an unholy aura.)
Pokey: (Hmm. Better do something to prolong my life here…)
Joshua: I’m stuck in this hospital, I can’t get a medic, and I’m falling behind on my Interviews. It’s that time I visited my grandpa in the hospital all over again.
Pokey: Idea! Interview me!
Joshua: … Yeah, all right.
DB: Hey! I’m the interviewer around here!
Joshua: Actually, I’ve done more Interviews than you.
DB: YOU DIRTY LIAH!
DB pulls a laptop out of nowhere, accesses the Internet, goes to LL, and checks how many Interviews he’s done. He then checks how many Joshua’s done, and he’s right: Joshua HAS done more.
DB: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
John: Geez, calm down, purple guy. It’s not THAT big a deal.
DB: What? What are you talking about? What’s not a big deal?! Heh heh heh- Nargh!
(DB throws the laptop on the floor in front of Thunk, who crushes it nearly instantly.)
Thunk: Leave no evidence!
(Thunk proceeds to eat the remains of the laptop.)
DB: Oh dear. It appears as if we’ll NEVER know who has done more Interviews. Pity.
Max: Then what was that NOOOOOOOOOO about, huh?
Jeff: And we can very easily just check another computer.
DB: Lies! … Now if you’ll excuse me, I have an interview to do.
Joshua: Hey, this is my Interview. I already claimed it.
Thunk: Quiet, squishy! Boss interviews who boss wants!
SQ: Shut your mouth, you oversized chunk of concrete!
Zed: You know, I don’t even really need to be here, so…
Inferno: Don’t you move an inch, or I’ll blast you into a pile of ashes!
Pokey: Uh, you can both interview me if you want. I mean, people do have double-Interviews from time to time, right?
Joshua: Yeah, sure, fine, whatever! We need to get started already!
DB: Hey. The last time I did a double-Interview, I got hit by a meteor and had to spend over half a year in space. I am NOT going through that again.
Joshua: For the love of… If you shut up and help me with this Interview, you three can leave with your lives. Or my friends/slaves can KILL YOU RIGHT NOW.
(Inferno, the Shadow Queen, Max, Jeff, and John all glare at DB nastily.)
DB: … You drive a hard bargain. All right, fine. Since you’re so desperate, I suppose I’ll give you the honour of interviewing alongside me. Cameras!
(Cameras!)
Joshua: Welcome, everyone, to another edition of Joshua’s Super Interview Show!
Zed: Ugh, that is so lame. Is that REALLY the name of your show?
Inferno: That’s it!
Zed: Oh, drat.
Joshua: I made it up when I was 12, and I’m too lazy to change it now!
(Inferno chases Zed out of the room.)
DB: Today, I and my guest interviewer will interview this freak of a cactus, Pokey!
Pokey: Er. Hi?
DB: First question! Why-
Joshua: Question swipe!
DB: Gasp!
Jeff: … Why did you say “gasp”, rather than just gasping?
DB: BECAUSE!
Joshua: Why do some Pokeys have a flower on top of their head segment?
Pokey: These Pokeys have only appeared since Super Mario Sunshine, and they used those flowers to disguise themselves. Some Pokeys still do this for camouflage.
DB: How did you know that was what I would ask?!
Joshua: Magic. Now, ask a question or die.
DB: Ask or die?
Joshua: Ask or die.
DB: How are some of you able to throw your segments?
Pokey: Some of our segments are loose, and we can move them around. So we can just dislodge a segment by jumping or something, and whack it with our heads.
Jeff: … You’re a cactus. How can you possibly JUMP?
Pokey: Well, there’s a bunch of reasons. Pokeys aren’t rooted creatures, so nothing is holding us down. And it’s not like we can jump all that much anyway, only enough to dislodge a segment. If that’s not enough of an explanation, then… I dunno. We’re not traditional plants. Maybe there’s animal DNA in us? I’m not a scientist, leave me alone.
Thunk: Thunk understand. Thunk failed biology, despite getting Master’s Degree in chemistry.
John: YOU? A master at CHEMISTRY?
Thunk: Yes, birdy-thing.
DB: I still need to exploit that talent.
Joshua: He’s probably lying.
DB: Why? Because he LOOKS stupid? Because he SOUNDS stupid?
Joshua: He’s a WHOMP, for crying out loud! He’d probably have too much trouble using his hands, let alone using his brain.
DB: But-
Pokey: Hello? The Interview?
DB: … Huh? Oh. Right… (This isn’t over...) How come in Super Mario World and Super Mario Bros. 2, if the head of a Pokey is destroyed, the segment below it becomes the new head? In all the new games, defeating the head defeats the Pokey instantly. So what gives?
Pokey: The Pokeys in the old games were rare but different breeds, believe it or not. The ones in Sub-con were able to transfer their conscience and face to a separate segment using their minds. After all, Sub-con is a dream world. As for the ones in Super Mario World… they had a brain in each piece, and were able to manipulate their own physical structure to form a face. So, it was more like several heads stacked on each other.
DB: You expect me to believe that?
Pokey: It’s the best explanation you’re going to get.
Joshua: That still doesn’t explain why these so-called rare breeds have never been seen since then.
Pokey: I don’t think any other Mario game has taken place in Sub-con. And I think the Yoshis ate all of the Pokeys in Super Mario World. One is in another world, and the other has gone extinct. It’s just that simple.
Joshua: Yeah, sure it is.
DB: Now. You. I have every confidence that Thunk can be the chemist he claims to be.
Joshua: Ugh, not this again. I don’t CARE anymore, the Interview has moved on!
DB: Hey, I’m just saying. Thunk being an expert with chemicals is no more farfetched than… than that creepy girlfriend of yours over there being some evil thousand-year-old demon. She looks… unholy enough.
Joshua: You know, she COULD probably kill you by looking at you…
Zed: But we’re already dead.
Joshua: Thunk isn’t!
DB: Ha! I bet Thunk could use his chemistry knowledge to bring himself back to life!
Joshua: He’d have a pretty hard time doing that if he was dead!
DB: Oh yeah?!
Joshua: Yeah!
(They get into a fist-fight, which Joshua stops after a minute.)
Joshua: I can’t fight you, I’m in the hospital. Inferno, get him!
Inferno: Yes, sir!
(Inferno attacks DB.)
Joshua: Now then, the Interview. What was with the Thwimp Pokeys in Super Mario World?
Pokey: You know about those?
Joshua: I AM A SUPER PLAYER!
Pokey: Several enemies transformed after Mario found all the goals in SMW. Koopas got Mario masks, Bullet Bills became Pidgits, and Pokeys became Thwimps. The reason for this is that Bowser’s troops are partially dependent on his magic. When the goal gates were passed through, the magic weakened, until it caused a warping effect on Dinosaur Land when they were all destroyed.
Joshua: Fascinating.
(Inferno has stopped fighting with DB.)
Inferno: It’s just too easy.
DB: I can smell the inside of my nose…
Joshua: Which you don’t have.
DB: Why did Mario have to use coconuts to defeat you in Super Mario Galaxy?
Pokey: Well, if he spun at us or jumped on us, he got hurt. Coconuts were the only things handy. And those things are hard, for DAD’s sake! Would you like me to hit YOU with a coconut, and see how you like it?
Joshua: I see you bear a grudge towards Mario.
Pokey: And Luigi too!
Joshua: Super Luigi Galaxy never happened!
Pokey: I wasn’t talking about that, I was talking about the time Luigi took one of my brother’s thorns off and stabbed me in the eye with it. That’s how I got in here.
DB: Bah hah hah, you got beat up by Luigi!
Pokey: You got beat up by a fireball.
DB: YOU HAVE NO PROOF! HA!
Joshua: You’re still completely covered in burn marks.
DB: LIAR! That’s… that’s soot!
Max: I got the entire thing on tape!
DB: *twitch* … NYAH!
(DB flees the room.)
Joshua: … What is his PROBLEM?
Zed: It’s easier to just ignore it.
Pokey: So… Now what?
Joshua: We keep going.
Pokey: But one of the interviewers is gone.
Joshua: I… don’t… care.
Zed: Besides, I can fill in, I guess.
Joshua: THEN ASK A QUESTION!
Zed: … All right. Your thorns protect your bodies from Mario, right?
Pokey: For the most part, yes.
Zed: Then how come in many games, Mario is able to punch and kick your pieces out without taking damage?
Pokey: Well, it depends on the Pokey. Sometimes our thorns are super-pointed and are dangerous enough to land someone in the hospital. Namely me. Other times, though, a Pokey’s thorns won’t be much more than small bumps on their segments. That… and Mario wears pretty thick gloves and shoes. Not thick enough to protect him from the sharpest of thorns, but still…
Joshua: That might work for Mario and Luigi, but it doesn’t at all explain how Peach and Toad could stand on top of a Pokey’s head in Super Mario Bros. 2.
Pokey: Toad’s shoes are thick too, and how would you know what Peach was wearing for shoes in that game? Her feet were never visible! For all you know, she was wearing hiking boots. And the thorns on top of a Pokey’s head are usually the most soft, though they’re sttill super sharp on some, like the ones from the Paper Mario games.
Joshua: Can you tell me anything about Poison Pokeys?
Pokey: They use photosynthesis to create the poison for their thorns, so they need chlorophyll to absorb light energy. This is why they’re green.
Zed: And what exactly is the poison?
Pokey: It contains a lethal mixture of glucose, iodine, chlorine, and carbon dioxide. Poison Pokeys have organs inside them that can manufacture iodine and chlorine.
(Jeff is seen talking to Thunk.)
Jeff: So, why exactly are your hands just stubs?
Thunk: How Thunk know? Thunk have Master’s in Chemistry, not Biology.
Jeff: Ah, yes, you failed that, right?
Thunk: Don’t remind Thunk…
Zed: Why do Pokeys tend to live in deserts?
Pokey: We’re cacti, we use the desert for camouflage.
Max: Cacti tend to be green… Most of you are a sort of orange-yellow.
Pokey: Duh, we blend in with the sand. The climate also suits us, as we like to be warm and don’t need a whole lot of water to survive.
(A nurse sticks her head in the doorway.)
Nurse: The doctor will see you now.
Pokey: Finally, I’ve been here for days-
Nurse: Not you, the other one.
Joshua: Finally, I’ve been here for minutes!
Pokey: …
(A suspicious purple Boo with a lab coat and a really fake-looking moustache floats in with a cleaver. Everyone glares at him.)
Doctor?: … Erm, vhat are ve all staring at? Zere eez no reason to fear moi, I am just ze medic who is to be performing the operations on dis… Joshua, vas it? Oui, I think it vas.
Jeff: Too… many… contradicting accents…
Zed: Do you know how hard it is to tell people I even know you anymore?
Doctor?: Eh? Vhat are you talking about, Mr. Skeleton? You must be confusing moi with a person who eez not moi. My name eez Daniel Blargidot.
Joshua: Yeah, initials “DB”. Get him!
(Joshua’s crew immediately beats him to the ground.)
Joshua: That was a pretty pathetic attempt, even for you.
(DB floats into the room, eating ice cream.)
DB: What was a pathetic attempt for who?
Joshua: What the?!
(Everyone glances from DB to the beaten-up look-alike and back again. They do this for a little while. DB finishes his ice cream.)
DB: Judging by your silence and by that mess of a doctor, who looks oddly familiar, I’d say it’s audience time!
John: … But we’re in a hospital.
DB: That doesn’t mean anything! Zed! Go get someone! Anyone!
Zed: But-
DB: NOW!
(Zed runs out of the room and shortly returns with a Toad in a wheelchair.)
Toad: Huh? Where am I?!
Zed: Just… Just ask a question about Pokeys.
Toad: Why?
Zed: The sooner you ask the better.
Toad: But-
Inferno: Ask a question or be incinerated!
Toad: Eep. Um… Um… Do Pokeys have bones?
Pokey: What? No. We’re plants. Plants don’t have-
Joshua: Hold it! What about the Skellokeys that were in Toad Town during the Shroob invasion? They were made of bone, and they behaved exactly like Pokeys.
Pokey: Oh, so you know about those… That was an experiment, I’m guessing. Just like there were creatures like Yoob and Swiggler, the Shroobs were probably trying to make a Shroobish Pokey. Now, this is just me talking, but what they probably did was try to give Pokeys skeletons in an attempt to make us that much more powerful when we were under their command. However, the experiment kind of failed… except the skeleton built for Pokeys was still entirely functional, and therefore, usable as a minion. In the end, they found a way to bring the Skellokey to life. But that’s just my guess.
Jeff: That’s pretty detailed for an estimate.
Zed: It’s also ridiculous and sounds impossible, as it seems unlikely for you to know Skellokeys even existed, considering how few there were.
Pokey: It’s still the best answer you’re going to get.
Zed: … Point taken.
Joshua: Zed, get another audience member/patient!
Zed: You can’t tell me what to do!
Joshua: Watch me!
Zed: … I hate you.
Joshua: Join the club, I hear it’s quite large. NOW GET THE FREAKING AUDIENCE MEMBER/PATIENT!
(Zed leaves. The word “hate” can be heard a lot. Several minutes later, he returns with a Koopa with two broken legs in a wheelchair.)
Joshua: Did Mario do that to you?
Koopa: No, Luigi. Now, what do you want?
Joshua: Ask a question about Pokey or die.
Koopa: Ask or die?
Joshua: Ask or die.
Koopa: Um… How is it that in Paper Mario, you can call up another Pokey from the ground?
Pokey: We never go into battle alone, we always have allies hidden in the ground. When we hit the ground, that’s the signal for them to come up and attack.
DB: Uh-huh. And do tell, what happens when a Pokey is defeated before it can call its allies into battle?
Pokey: Hm… I guess the Pokeys who aren’t called up stay down in the sand until they figure out something went horribly wrong… which could be a very long time.
DB: Boring. Zed-
Zed: Yeah, yeah, yeah…
(Zed pushes the Koopa in the wheelchair down a random hallway and goes to fetch a new, ahem, audience member.)
Joshua: … So I notice Zed is green.
DB: Yeah, I’m bored too.
(Zed soon returns with a Bandit in a wheelchair whose arms are in casts.)
Joshua: Why is everyone you bring back in a wheelchair?
DB: Yeah, get a stretcher or something next time, spice it up a little.
Zed: …
Joshua: And why are you in a wheelchair if only your arms are broken?
Bandit: ‘Cause I gots no feet.
(Indeed, the Bandit has no feet.)
Joshua: Oh. Didn’t notice.
Bandit: Yup. Gotta watch out for them lawnmowers.
DB: Painful. Now ask a question about Pokey or die.
Joshua: Hey, that’s my line!
Bandit: Ask or die?
Joshua: Stop.
DB: Ask or die.
Joshua: Ooh, you’re gonna pay for that.
DB: The dead don’t have to pay. Generic Bandit?
Bandit: Huh? Oh, right. Er, are Pokeys associated with the Koopa Troop?
Pokey: We have no allegiance to anyone other than ourselves! … But if it means taking down Mario and his friends, especially Luigi, we’re willing to team up with Bowser’s troops, or anyone else who hates Mario, whether they be Koopa, Bandit, or even Shroob.
Joshua: Zed.
(Zed takes the Bandit back, and brings back a Rex with a broken horn on a stretcher.)
Joshua: Sweet, he doesn’t even need more than one word said to him.
DB: What happened to the wheelchairs?
Zed: You told me to spice it up a little by bringing a guy on a stretcher…
DB: I did no such thing! Take that guy, and put him in a wheelchair!
Zed: *incoherent grumbling*
(Zed takes the Rex out, attacks a Goomba in a wheelchair to force him out of it, and puts the Rex in it before bringing him back in.)
DB: Better.
Rex: What do you want?
Joshua: Ask this Pokey a question about himself, or die!
Rex: Ask or die?
DB: Ask or die.
Joshua: Hey! You stole my line again!
DB: Haw-haw!
Rex: Yeah… Um, have you any hopes to appear in future games?
Joshua: Ack, the cursed question interviewers ask when they’re out of questions!
Pokey: Well, I couldn’t really be in a sports game, but yeah, I’d like to appear in future adventures. I hear a new Mario game’s in the works, so, maybe I’ll be in that.
Joshua: Personally, I was more excited by the Pikmin announcement at E3. Animal Crossing: City Folk looks cool too…
DB: Hooray for those games you just mentioned!
Joshua: Anyway, since that Rex asked the “future games” question, I think the Interview is over.
Pokey: It is?
DB: Yes. It is. Goodbye, Mr. Pokey. You will be missed dearly.
(DB pulls a blanket over the Pokey’s face.)
Pokey: Hey, I’m not dead!
DB: I know, I was just sick of looking at your face.
Pokey: Ouch, man. Ouch.
Joshua: Speaking of faces, I suggest that you and Zed and bricks-for-brains get out of here before I really get mad.
John: What’s that have to do with faces?
Joshua: … Whose side are you on?
John: Er, sorry.
DB: I’ll go when I’m good and ready!
Joshua: Max?
Max: Get out before I put the video of you getting beat up by Inferno on the Internet!
DB: Thunk?
Thunk: Oor!
(Thunk snatches the video tape from Max, smashes it, then eats the remains.)
Joshua: Inferno?
(Inferno starts advancing on DB.)
DB: Zed?
Zed: NO.
DB: Too bad!
(DB throws Zed at Inferno, making them fight.)
DB: It doesn’t matter what you throw at me, I’ll just throw something back! Ha HA!
Joshua: … Okay, now you’ve made me mad. Oh, honey?
SQ: Yeees?
DB: … You’re gonna sic your girlfriend on me? Really? Of all the stupidest-
(A few seconds later, DB, Zed, and Thunk go flying through the roof of the hospital into the sky.)
Zed: Way to go, chief.
DB: Shut up, you. As long as we don’t rocket into space again, I consider this a tie.
Zed: How in blazes do you consider this a tie?!
DB: Heh heh heh… Remember those cameras I summoned for the Interview?
Zed: What about them?
DB: Let’s just say I left a little present in one of them… DB always has the last laugh! Always!
Thunk: Hm… Wonder if they find it first?
DB: If they do, that’s just fine! Laugh with me, boys! Gyah hah!
(The three laugh as they fly off into the distance.)
Zed: … I still hate you.
(And thus, they’re gone. Meanwhile…)
Joshua: Ah, I love your use of brute force and dark power.
SQ: Me too.
(John goes to take the film out of one of the cameras, when instead, a gift-wrapped box pops out.)
John: The tag reads… “To Joshua, remember that DB always has the last laugh, from DB.”
Joshua: … Does he really think I’m stupid enough to open that?
Inferno: I’m on it, sir.
(Inferno opens the box. Inside is…)
Inferno: A tape recorder?!
(He presses Play.)
DB’s Voice: Gyah-hah! End Transmission! I stole your line AGAIN!
Joshua: (shaking his fist at the sky): Darn you, Dark Boo…!
Dr. Daniel Blargidot: (waking up) Eet ees time for your shot!
(A hypodermic syringe extends out of his meat cleaver.)
Joshua: Uh… Get him! Again!
Inferno: Sorry, sir. Meat cleavers I can deal with, but needles just freak me out.
John: Same here.
Max: Yep.
Jeff: Me too, I’m afraid.
SQ: You wusses!
(Dr. Blargidot makes his needle bigger.)
SQ: Meep.
(Joshua’s crew runs away.)
Joshua: … Nuts.
(A small group of squirrels maul Joshua, searching him for nuts.)
Joshua: Pain…
(Dr. Blargidot makes his needle grow to a ridiculous size! I am SO out of here! Joshua screams like a little girl…)
(END TRANSMISSION)
Whoops! You're not logged in! |