(The crew are watching Joshua and Shadoo clash by a camera Inferno placed in the Flopside Pit of 100 Trials… Don’t ask. Let’s just say it involves a spiritual pact with sea bears. They’ve been watching for about 24 hours.)
John: Man, this is boring.
Inferno: Ssh! We might miss something interesting! I didn’t make the pact with those sea bears for nothing!
(Joshua and Shadoo simultaneously sneeze.)
Both: … That was weird. So was that. STOP COPYING ME, THIS IS A SERIOUS FIGHT!
(The doorbell to the studio rings, playing “Close to You”. Bullet Bill looks out the window and sees Lemmy with a captive audience, waiting to come in to watch an Interview.)
Bullet Bill: … Crud. Um…
(No one pays attention as they’re watching the fight.)
Bullet Bill: I guess it’s up to me. Dimentio! Clone yourself!
Dimentio: Make me!
(Bullet Bill crashes into Dimentio, explodes, and then reforms.)
Dimentio: … How did you do that?
Bullet Bill: Magic. Now clone yourself!
Dimentio: … Fine…
(Dimentio clones himself.)
Bullet Bill: TO TEH STAGE OF DOOM!
Fawful: MUSTARD OF DOOM!
(Bullet Bill sends Fawful into deep space, from where he will never return to these Interviews… hopefully. Lemmy and the crowd burst in through the doors, and the crowd take their seats.)
Lemmy: We heard Fawful was here.
Bullet Bill: You’re not here for the Interview?
Lemmy: Oh, $^&% no! Everybody loves Fawful!
Bullet Bill: Um… I knocked him into deep space…
All: GASP!!!
Bullet Bill: … Am I in trouble?
Lemmy: You have no idea.
Dimentio Clone: Shut up and take your seats, otherwise I will cause you to feel the sting of my magic, like a swarm of wasps sting and overwhelm a foe!
Bullet Bill: …
Dimentio Clone: … The original has made better similes…
(The audience sits down.)
Bullet Bill: Let me see if I can get this right. *ahem* Welcome, to-
Lemmy: Lemmy’s Interview Show!
Bullet Bill: Dang it! Why are you still onstage?!
Lemmy: I’m doin’ the Interview! When Joshua’s away, Lemmy will play.
Bullet Bill: (whining) But it’s my first Interviewwww…
Lemmy: Tough.
(Bullet Bill crashes into Lemmy, explodes, and reforms.)
Lemmy: Ow. Fine. But I’ll Interview with you.
Bullet Bill: Dang… Deal. So, audience, welcome to Joshua’s Super Interview Show!
Lemmy: You mean Lemmy’s Interview Show.
Bullet Bill: Nope. Anyway, as you now know, Lemmy and I are interviewing a Dimentio Clone about Dimentio.
Audience Member: Yeah, we read the title.
Bullet Bill: (glancing upwards): Well I’ll be. It does say that.
Lemmy: (Stupid fourth wall-breaking jokes…)
Author: What was that?!
Lemmy: Nothing! : ) Besides, you can’t do anything to me! I’m the webmaster!
Author: But I’m the author here. I have powers…
Lemmy: Not if you want this posted, you don’t.
Author: … Dang… You’re on your own, Bullet Bill.
Bullet Bill: … Crud. So, DC, why does Dimentio use so many similes?
DC: He used to be a circus clown and magician, and he used them as part of his act. They became so routine to him, he can’t stop using them. Sad, really.
Lemmy: Do his clones, including you, use similes a lot?
DC: No, we each tend to have our own personalities.
Bullet Bill: Then why did you use one at the start of this Interview?
DC: Eh?
(FLASHBACK!)
Dimentio Clone: Shut up and take your seats, otherwise I will cause you to feel the sting of my magic, like a swarm of wasps sting and overwhelm a foe!
Bullet Bill: …
Dimentio Clone: … The original has made better similes…
(END FLASHBACK!)
DC: So I did… I just wanted to give it a try for once. I stank though, I’m never doing that again.
Lemmy: What are the original Dimentio’s stats?
DC: At full power, he has 80 HP, 4 Attack, and no Defense. When he fought Mario, Peach, and Bowser in the Bitlands, he was holding back to test their power.
Bullet Bill: What about the clones?
DC: 0 HP, 4 Attack, and 0 Defense. The only way to destroy us is for the original to touch us.
Lemmy: How are the clones created?
DC: Magic.
Everyone: …
DC: What, you expected some scientific answer? Dimentio’s a MAGICIAN, for crying out loud.
Bullet Bill and Lemmy: D’oh.
Lemmy: Now seems like a good time to cut to that fight.
Bullet Bill: Trying to stall for time?
Lemmy: Yes, but I also have to go to the bathroom.
Bullet Bill: …
(Meanwhile, in the Flopside Pit of 100 Trials…)
(As you’ll recall, Joshua has awesome-looking angel wings, and Shadoo has awesome-looking devil type wings.)
Joshua: This one ends here.
Shadoo: Yes.
(For some reason, The End of a Thought from Tales of Symphonia, the music that plays during the 1-on-1 fight between Lloyd and Kratos in Torent Forest, begins playing. Joshua and Shadoo jump at each other with their swords, and repeatedly clash in midair. Joshua jumps back.)
Joshua: Time for a new spell. Holy wings, I beg of thee to reveal thy Glory… Angel Feathers!
(Rings of light fly out from Joshua’s wings and strike Shadoo.)
Shadoo: GAH! Angel techs from Tales of Symphonia! Why is the author so OBSESSED with that game?!
Author: I’m planning to make videos for Youtube from it. So sue me.
All: …
Shadoo: Right… Well then… Dark Pulse!
(Shadoo creates a black shockwave that knocks Joshua into the air.)
Shadoo: Shadow Assault!
(He combos Joshua.)
Joshua: Owie!
Shadoo: Dark Finishing Bomb!
(Shadoo begins gathering a pile of dark energy in his hands.)
Shadow Queen: Is that really the best name he could come up with?
Max: Sadly, yes.
(Shadoo leaves the energy hanging in midair for a second, and punches Max.)
Joshua: Hey!
Max: He cares?!
Joshua: That’s MY slave! I’m the only one allowed to punch him!
Shadoo: Oh, right. Sorry.
Joshua: It’s all right.
(Joshua punches Max.)
Joshua: Where were we?
Shadoo: I was about to end your game with my dark energy.
Joshua: Ah, right.
(Shadoo focuses the dark energy until it takes the form of a huge sphere, which he holds above his head before throwing at Joshua.)
Joshua: SWEET ZOMBIE CARROTS!!!
Zombie Carrots: Brraaaaaaiiinnnsss…
(And… BACK TO TEH INTERVIEW!!!)
(A flushing is heard, and Lemmy walks back onscreen.)
Bullet Bill: You done?
Lemmy: Yep.
Bullet Bill: Good. How did Dimentio come to work for Count Bleck?
DC: A trick went horribly wrong one night in the circus he worked in. Dimentio would call on an audience member and encase them in one of his exploding cubes, but flip them into another dimension where they’d normally be safe. However, some slack-jawed idiot in the front row decided to take a picture of this. Dimentio HATES bright flashes of light like those from cameras. He lost his concentration, and the poor guy in the cube was killed. After that, he lost everything. But eventually… he met up with Count Bleck while traveling through dimensions, trying to start a new life. The Count offered him help, and the rest is history.
Lemmy: So why’d he read the Dark Prognosticus?
DC: Natural curiosity. He wondered why the Count was so engrossed in it all the time. One night, when the Count was sleeping, he stole it, read it, and the rest, as they say is history.
Bullet Bill: So why did Dimentio betray Count Bleck? He’d given him a fresh start.
DC: The Dark Prognosticus corrupted his mind. He lusted after the power he could have. He knew the only way he could do it was to use Count Bleck to get the Chaos Heart, then take it from him.
Lemmy: I call last question!
Bullet Bill: Dang it! You just keep finding new ways to ruin my day, don’t you?!
Lemmy: Yes. It’s fun. What attacks does Dimentio have?
Bullet Bill: What a loser-tastic last question.
Lemmy: …
DC: Cloning, obviously. His standard attack is the Magic Ball, which he likes to call the Starburst. Flipping into 3D is also a defense mechanism for him. His final attack is the explosion cube, which encases someone before going “boom”.
Everyone: Duh…
DC: Is that the end?
Bullet Bill: That’s all we have time for, so, yeah. E-
Lemmy: End Transmission!
Bullet Bill: FOR THE LOVE OF DAD!!! YOU DIE NOW!
(Bullet Bill crashes into Lemmy, and he flies off into deep space, meeting up with Fawful somehow.)
Fawful: I HAVE FURY!
Lemmy: Yay! Fawful!
Back at the fight...
(Shadoo launches his ultimate attack, the Dark Finishing Bomb.)
Joshua: &$&&$£^$$^$*($^&%££%^$*!!!
Shadow Queen: Max, do something!
Max: Destinizer?
Shadow Queen: No, take the hit!
Max: … No.
(Joshua grabs the bomb and tries to push it back, or throw it over his shoulder.)
Joshua: So… dang… hard to move… Idea!
(Joshua whirls around and around while holding the bomb before throwing it into the wall… directly above Max’s head. Debris falls; pain ensues, needless to say.)
Max: Ow…
Joshua: Now, time for MY ultimate attack!
Shadoo: Another Tales of Symphonia tech?
Joshua: … Yes.
(A shining white circle forms around Joshua’s feet, and strange angelic energy randomly floats up from it.)
Joshua: Oh Holy one, cast thy purifying light upon this corrupt soul. Light of judgment, Judgment!
(Pillars of light descend from the heavens and strike Shadoo. This causes him to take lots of damage and pain, and he returns to his normal form.)
Shadoo: ARGGHHH!!! So… *pant* you are stronger than I thought… I retreat for now… I’ll be back…
(Shadoo teleports away.)
Joshua: (throwing wand up in air and catching it) Was that a bit too much?
Shadow Queen: I swear, the author and this Tales stuff…
Author: Hey, Lemmy suggested I put a Tales victory quote in there…
(Joshua unties Shadow Queen and Max. They teleport back to the studio, via demon power.)
Inferno: We saw the whole thing! YOU ROCKED!!!
(Joshua’s wings disappear.)
Joshua: Oh well. Easy come, easy go.
Shadow Queen: What now?
Joshua: I think… I need to go away for a while. I need some time to think things through. I mean, you went out with my… father. I’m half-demon. I’m sorry, but I just need some time to think on my own for a while before I can date you. My whole world’s been turned upside down here.
Shadow Queen: That’s fair. But please… come back soon.
Joshua: I’ll come back when I’m done thinking. That’s all I can promise. Inferno, you’re still in charge for a little while.
Inferno: Yes, sir.
(Joshua zaps a traveling cloak onto himself.)
Joshua: I’ve always wanted to wear one of these on a journey.
(Joshua walks towards the door of the studio. He zaps a backpack of supplies onto his back.)
Joshua: So long, my frien- I mean slaves- I mean… Ah, some of you are friends, others are slaves. You know that.
(Shadow Queen taps Joshua on the shoulder, spins him around, and kisses him. He gives a nod of the head, and leaves.)
(END TRANSMISSION)
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