(Joshua wakes up.)
Joshua: Ah, the morning. This is the part of the day I love best, the minutes before I remember why I’m traveling around Plit for no reason.
...
Joshua: Oh yeah. Stupid plothole…
Shadow Queen: Morning, sweetie.
Joshua: (I never get tired of that.) What’s up?
SQ: Not much. Techno Guy wants to do the Interview today, Katie keeps telling everyone Amazee’s dead, Shady Parakoopa’s suing again…
Joshua: In short, it’s a totally normal morning.
SQ: Yep.
Joshua: Tell TG he can do the Interview.
SQ: Will do. Oh yeah, I forgot. The interviewee… It’s Hammer Bro.
Joshua: … Oh my DAD.
(Cut to the cardboard studio…)
TG: OhmyDADohmyDADIgettoInterviewI’msoEXCITED!!!
Shady: Calm down, dude.
Katie: Yeah.
Inferno: I know.
Hammer Bro: This guy? Really?
(TG shoots Hammer Bro with lightning.)
TG: Now then, how can you carry an infinite supply of hammers?
Hammer Bro: It’s not infinite. We run out after about 200. We just use the Strange Sack to increase our ammo capacity.
King Boo: Makes more sense than most of the stuff that happens to us.
TG: I agree. What is a Sledge Bro?
Hammer Bro: A Koopa that has spent its whole life in training, and is pretty much 100 percent muscle.
TG: Then how do you become a Hammer Bro?
Hammer Bro: We’ve done quite a bit of physical training, but not as much as Sledge Bros, and we’ve mastered hammer throwing.
TG: So, Sledge Bros. are just upgraded versions of you?
Hammer Bro: I guess. IT’S HAMMER TIME!!!
(Hammer Bro starts smashing the cardboard studio.)
TG: Aw man.
King Boo: Intermission!
TG: What?
King Boo: (I’m stalling.)
TG: Oh.
(Cut to Joshua and SQ…)
Joshua: Y’know, I can’t believe you agreed to be my girlfriend.
SQ: What do you mean, darling?
Joshua: Well, this may shock you, but I’m not that great around girls…
(FLASHBACK)
(Joshua is acting as a stunt double in Luigi’s Mansion. He’s come to the part where you have to suck up Miss Petunia.)
Joshua: A shadow behind that shower curtain! Time to do the unthinkable…
(He pulls back the curtain.)
Miss Petunia: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Joshua: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
(Joshua jumps out the window. Then, he runs back into the room and does it again. And again, and again. He does this for several hours.)
Miss Petunia: … What’s his problem? I was only singing opera.
(END FLASHBACK)
Shadow Queen: … Wow.
Joshua: I know… And now it’s time for the J.C. Roulette!
SQ: But there aren’t any cameras, and we’re the only ones here.
Joshua: Sure… Anyways!
(He summons the wheel, which spins.)
Joshua: And the member is… Amazee! And the random event is… Attacked by the Lachrymose Leeches!
Amazee, who is in the studio, is eaten by the leeches from Lemony Snicket’s 3rd book (The Wide Window).
Katie: …
...
Hammer Bro: HAMMERHAMMERHAMMERHAMMERHAMMER!!!
TG: Aw man.
Lord Crump: I’ll take care of this! CRUMP-A-BOMB!!!
(He attempts to ground pound Hammer Bro, but bounces harmlessly off his helmet. Hammer Bro smacks him into a tree.)
Lord Crump: Goodnight Wisconsin!
(He passes out. Hammer Bro then smashes Amazee into an acid pool.)
King Boo: We should really move that someday.
Katie: Why?
King Boo: …
Scorch: Leave this guy to us. Inferno? Engarde? Touché?
All 4: BROS. ATTACK!
Engarde and Touché: SLICE BROS!!!
Engarde: (Literally.)
(Dramatic lightning.)
Scorch and Inferno: FLAME BROS!!!
(Scorch and Inferno do a better version of Fire Bros. from M&LSS, and Engarde and Touché do a better version of Chopper Bros. The Hammer Bro dies.)
King Boo: … Greaaaat… We need a new interviewee.
Inferno: I’m on it!
(He pulls out a cell phone, dials a number, and a few seconds later a crate drops out of the sky, landing on Amazee.)
Inferno: Thanks Blaze!
Blaze (from Shady Parakoopa’s work): No problem!
(Hammer Sis, also from Shady Parakoopa’s work, pops out of the crate.)
Hammer Sis: What the flaming monkey?
Inferno: Silence!
(
Inferno: Long time no see.
TG: So, how does it feel having a Hammer Bro as an Assist Trophy in Super Smash Bros. Brawl?
Hammer Sis: It’s not a real Hammer Bro, it’s just data. I’d love to be a Brawl fighter, though…
TG: Wouldn’t we all?
Everyone: Yep!
TG: So, did you play in Mario Strikers Charged?
Hammer Sis: Yep, and it was AWESOME! So violent! Knocking people into electric fences, slamming huge hammers into the ground, KO’ing goalkeepers with a barrage of hammers… It was so much fun! ^_^
TG: Ok, crazy. Hammer Bros. sort of disappeared from Mario games for a while, but they’ve come roaring back in games like Super Paper Mario and Mario Strikers Charged. How do you feel about this, and why had you been left out of games for so long?
Hammer Sis: It makes me proud to be a Hammer… Koopa.
TG: Huh?
Inferno: Is that the “politically correct” term?
Hammer Sis: Well, I’m not a Hammer BROTHER…
TG: … Answer the second question.
Hammer Sis: We went on strike, because we weren’t getting paid enough and because we felt like it, gosh!
TG: … That joke is overused.
Author: Not by me. Ha ha. Audience time! Dimentio?
(Dimentio shoots his sparks in the air.)
TG: Seat 78!
Goomba: Has anyone ever said to you “Stop! Hammer time!”
Hammer Sis: Put it this way.
(She squashes the Goomba.)
TG: … D?
(Sparks.)
TG: Seat 45!
Dark Paratroopa (covered in blood, his mama must be so proud!): Any relation to Fire and Boomerang Bros?
Hammer Sis: We all start life as Koopas, but Boomerang Bros. have mastered disc-throwing, rather than trained physically, and Fire Bros. have become very smart and touched specially modified Fire Flowers.
(Joshua and Shadow Queen return.)
Joshua: A Dark Paratroopa covered in blood? Hey, you look familiar…
Dark Paratroopa: Gotta go!
(He flies away.)
Joshua: … Hi Hammer Sis!
Hammer Sis: Hi Joshua!
Joshua: How’s Slim?
Hammer Sis: Crazy as ever!
Joshua: Excellent! Seat 93!
Silver Rabbit: Do you like bunnies?
Hammer Sis: They’re adorable, why?
Silver: Then I have no beef with you.
(It hops away.)
Joshua: Seat 157!
Magikoopa: Why do you wear helmets?
Hammer Sis: Well, if you had to handle heavy tools all the time, you’d protect yourself too.
Magikoopa: Makes sense… I think.
TG: Ok… End Transmission!
Shady Parakoopa: Attack, my slaves! We’ll-
Yux: Destroy-
Max: You.
Dimentio: Time to do yet another thing you guys had no idea I could do! Joshua, now!
Joshua: Becoming candy!
(Joshua transforms into candy, and Dimentio eats him.)
Dimentio: *burp* FUSION!!!
???: We are now… DIMENSHUA!
Shady Parakoopa: … Lame!
Dimenshua: Too bad this fusion only lasts one minute. Now, prepare to be destroyed by our special brand of random MAGIC! Majide Time!
(The 4 - or 5, depending on how you look at it - are now in a parallel dimension.)
Yux: Are you serious?!
(A starburst hits him.)
Yux: What the?!
Dimenshua: In this dimension, anyone who says “Are you serious” is punished.
Shady Parakoopa, Yux and Max: ARE YOU SERIOUS?!
(A starburst nails Dimenshua for saying it before, and the other 3 for saying it just now.)
Max: Must… stop… saying it…
Dimenshua: You can’t help it! The temptation to say it is too strong!
Shady Parakoopa: Are you serious?!
(A starburst nails Shady Parakoopa.)
Yux: Max…
Max: What?
Yux: I never liked your hat!
Max: ARE YOU SERIOUS?!
(Max beats up Yux, then a starburst hits him.)
Shady Parakoopa: Are you serious?!
(Guess what happens. Shady Parakoopa and Dimenshua are teleported to another room.)
Shady Parakoopa: Where are Max and Yux? Not that I care.
Dimenshua: I ate them.
Shady Parakoopa: ARE YOU SERIOUS?!
(Starburst.)
Dimenshua: Man, I’m lazy.
Shady Parakoopa: DARN YOU!
(Dimenshua transforms Shady Parakoopa into a cow.)
Cow: MOO! (ARE YOU SERIOUS?!)
(Starburst. Joshua and Dimentio de-fuse and the scene returns to the cardboard studio.)
Shady Parakoopa: Oh, you are serious…
(He falls down, and teleports away.)
Joshua: Now let’s go play some DDR!
All: … YAY!
(Everyone plays DDR ‘til dawn. Happies!)
(END TRANSMISSION)
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