It was a boring day at the Koopas’ Castle. I mean really boring. It was raining cats and dogs outside, as it had been for the past week, so no one was going outside. It wasn’t hot or cold, so nobody could think of anything special to do. And the Koopalings were tired of beating each other up.
Finally, Larry was so bored that he decided he would like to learn a little history. “King Dad,” he asked, “why do you race in Mario Kart?”
“Why do you ask?” asked Bowser, as the other six Koopalings gathered around, hoping for a partially interesting tale.
“Well, Mario stinks!” frowned Larry. “Why do you race with him? In fact, why did he let you race? Did you have a duel to the death or something?”
“I wish,” Iggy muttered to himself. What he didn’t say was that he wished both Mario and Bowser were dead.
Bowser sighed. “I vowed never to tell you this,” he began. “But hey, I’m the king, and I can break my own rules! You see, Mario and I weren’t always enemies.”
“Yeah, we know that Pop,” Roy scoffed. “You teamed up against that Smithy guy- what a loser!” Roy meant that Smithy, Mario, and Bowser were all losers who should be dead.
“No, I mean before that,” Bowser corrected. “Believe it or not, Mario and I used to be friends.”
“I don’t believe it!” Lemmy laughed. He was happy because he thought that this would be a funny tale, which was exactly what he was in the mood for.
“Don’t lie to me!” Wendy snapped. “I am too pretty to be lied to.”
“I apologize honorable King Dad but nowhere in my historical records does it say anything about a previous alliance between you and those fools,” Ludwig shook his head.
“Don’t contradict me!” Bowser roared. Then he calmed down. “We were friends before we were enemies.”
Then Morton chimed in. “I bet Peach gave you each a cake and since you both didn’t like it you became friends you know Peach can’t bake she is bad and then she must have given Bowser another so Bowser got mad and Mario was lucky and now they are mortal enemies and...”
“Stop!” yelled Bowser. “I’ll never finish the story with you around. Get out of here!”
Morton left sulkily, muttering something about death.
Bowser continued. “I didn’t meet Mario in the Mushroom Kingdom, I actually met Mario on Earth. That must have been, oh, twenty years ago. At that time I wasn’t strong enough to be King of the Koopa, and I couldn’t dream of anything as evil as kidnapping the Princess. I went to Earth in my business suit disguise intending to steal some valuable paintings. Then I-“
“Why did you go to Earth to steal paintings?” Iggy interrupted. “Aren’t there enough paintings to steal in the Mushroom Kingdom?”
“Yes there were,” Bowser explained. “But I wasn’t ready for theft in my own dimension.”
“Idiot,” Larry muttered. “He should die.”
“Anyway, as fate would have it,” Bowser continued, “I ran into Mario beside a leaking fire hydrant. I remember the first thing he said to me: ‘Hi-a! How-a can I help you?’ I could tell this guy must be very stupid to not see through my disguise, so I told him I was part of the FBI and that I needed all the valuable paintings. He helped me get them, the idiot!”
“How were you aware of the existence of such an organization as the FBI?” asked Ludwig, very impressed.
“He’s so stupid, they probably arrested him,” a Koopaling who felt Bowser should die for telling tales muttered.
“I had my sources, and I’m not as dumb as I look,” Bowser replied.
“You look pretty dumb!” Lemmy laughed. Bowser glared at him. ‘Dumb enough to be killed,’ Lemmy thought.
“If I may continue,” Bowser growled. “At the time, I liked Mario. He was so manipulative that I felt he would be a great henchman in the Koopa Clan. I even gave him the offer, but he said the plumber’s life was for him.”
“Wow, they sure have a loose definition of ‘plumber’ these days!” Iggy cracked.
“When do I get to pound someone?” asked Roy.
“You can pound Morton later,” Bowser answered. “Anyway, I went on my way and became King of the Koopas. But I wasn’t yet ready to capture the princess, my army was weak anyway. So I settled for conquering Dark Land, where very few Mushroomers lived, and worked on building an army.”
“Excuse me King Dad, but this has nothing to do with Mario Kart,” sighed Larry, who was getting bored again.
“Yeah, I think I need to go put some make-up on,” Wendy, also bored, agreed.
“No one move!” Bowser roared. “Now that I’ve told the secret you’re gonna hear the whole story!”
“Morton left,” Iggy noted.
“Tough,” snapped Bowser. “Anyway, just about ten years ago, and six months before I had the courage to capture the princess my first time, I met up with Mario again.”
“My records indicate that Mario came here during the kidnapping,” Ludwig said.
“So much for your records!” Lemmy laughed. He was rolling around on his ball, happy that Bowser hadn’t said he couldn’t.
“Yes, what Lemmy said,” Bowser smiled. “Now, when Mario came here, he had no idea what he was doing. Luckily for him, I happened to meet up with him and-“
“Oh, you just happened to meet up with him?” Wendy scoffed. “What is this?! You just happen to meet up with him two times in two huge worlds?”
“Okay, so maybe it didn’t just happen,” Bowser replied. “Okay, fine, I’ll tell you my other secret: I love pizza! Okay? You satisfied? We met at two well known Pizza Parlors.”
“I thought you said you met him at a fire hydrant,” Iggy pressed.
“I lied,” frowned Bowser. “But everything else is true!”
“I’ve never seen you eat a pizza,” Larry observed.
“I gave it up after Mario and I became enemies,” Bowser answered.
“I thought you said-“
“Enough!” Bowser roared. “No one’s going anywhere until I finish the story. So let me finish!
“Can I go to the dungeon if I beat up Larry?” Roy asked.
“No!” Bowser snapped.
“Cool!” Roy started pounding Larry.
Bowser, ignoring Roy and Larry, continued. “So, when I met Mario at the Pizza Parlor,” Bowser glared at Wendy, “I welcomed him full-heartedly, again hoping to get him as part of the Koopa Clan. But Mario said that he couldn’t fight because he was in retirement.”
“Loose definition of retirement,” Lemmy cracked.
Iggy, his line having been stolen, came back with, “Such a young age to retire at!”
Bowser sighed. “I, remembering how gullible Mario was, escorted him back to my Castle. I hoped to try to convince him that he needed to fight on my side. I told him how evil the princess and The King were. And then I made my worst mistake ever.”
“You kissed Mario?” guessed Wendy, horrified.
“You let Mario see you?” guessed Larry.
“You fell off your ball?” guessed Lemmy.
“You didn’t beat him up?” guessed Roy.
“You tried to create a mechanism to make Mario intelligent but it backfired and you got stupid instead?” Ludwig guessed.
Bowser glared at Ludwig. “No, although you, Roy, were close, because I really should have beaten him up. But no, my mistake was showing him the power-ups.”
“I thought Toad showed Mario the power-ups!” Iggy gasped.
“A Mushrumer,” Bowser explained. “The princess didn’t want people to know that her hero had associated with her archenemy.”
“How did you know about the power-ups yourself, if you couldn’t use them?” Lemmy asked.
“All right, all right, here’s my third secret!” Bowser gave in. “I used to be able to use the power-ups. And so could the Koopa Clan. But when the princess caught me stealing gold coins from the First Mushroom Bank, she used her powers to take away mine. And that is why I was doing my crimes on Earth. I was afraid to get caught again.”
“Oh, okay,” Lemmy nodded. “Just wondering.”
“Now, may I continue my story?” Bowser glared. The six Koopalings were silent. “Good. Anyway, I showed him how to use the Mushroom, the Fire Flower, and the Star Man. I was hoping that-“
“What about the Super Leaf?” Iggy interrupted.
“That was later!” shouted Bowser. “I was hoping that Mario would join my army with his newfound powers, but he still claimed he was in retirement. So, as a last resort, I-“
“Are you going to get to Mario Kart sometime this week?” asked Larry, yawning. “We’re already on the fifth page and you haven’t even mentioned it.”
“I’d have gotten there long ago if you hadn’t kept interrupting me!” Bowser roared. He looked at his watch, and then continued. “As a last resort, I challenged him to a race. I thought that-“
“Finally!” Larry grinned.
“You’re happy because Bowser is getting to the good part?” asked Lemmy.
“No, I’m happy because Roy stopped pounding me,” Larry answered.
“Not for long, punk!” Roy shouted. Then he started to pound Iggy.
Bowser growled. “I thought that a friendly race would be just the thing to make him join my side. So I had my servants build two go karts and then-“
“Why go karts?” asked Iggy, wincing from pain. “Why not horses?
“Go karts are more durable and can last longer despite damaging effects,” Ludwig answered for Bowser.
“Right,” Bowser agreed. “So when the karts were complete, Mario and I raced. The referee was some guy off the street, and-“
“Where did you race? Koopa Troopa Beach? Your Castle? Luigi’s Raceway?”
“STOP!!!” Bowser screamed as loud as he could. “I will get to all those things, just let me explain. The first raceway was just a circle around my castle, without obstacles, and without weapons, and there was only one lap. The Mushroomer started it off, and when the race was done-“
“Mario won, and then you pounded him, right?” interrupted Roy.
“No!” snapped Bowser. “We tied. And we agreed that we would have to race again sometime, because it had been fun.”
“You call that fun?” Wendy yawned.
“Yes,” Bowser continued. “But some things needed to be added for the second race, which, by the way, was the next day since Mario seemed almost ready to join me. We got rid of the Mushroom ref and put Lakitu in instead, because since he could fly he could administer more things and more courses could become available. We made the race five laps instead of one. And we added two weapons, the Green Shell and the Red Shell, to make things interesting.”
“And who won?” Lemmy asked.
“And what was the prize?” asked Larry.
“Were the weapons of the same architectual design as they are now?” Ludwig asked.
“Quiet!” Bowser snapped. “Mario won that race, because I let him. In fact, in my bid to make him join the Koopa Clan, I didn’t use any weapons against him. There was no prize at the time, but I again gave him the offer to join the Clan. He refused, and there had to be a third race. For the third race, we added a second course, a zigzaggy area that Mario liked, and that course had only three laps. And I added Boo as the third weapon.”
“And who won?” Lemmy asked.
“And what was the prize?” asked Larry.
Bowser sighed. “I won, because Mario was doing so poorly that I couldn’t help it.” He stopped to think about that race.
“And the fourth race?” Iggy pressed.
“There were no more races for a while,” Bowser continued. “I got fed up of waiting for Mario to join me, so I went and captured the princess for my first time. I had no enemies that I knew of who could stop me.”
“But then Mario found out your evil ways and stopped you?” guessed Iggy.
“No, then Luigi came to Mushroom Kingdom,” Bowser explained.
“He wasn’t already there?” asked Roy.
“No, but they did actually warp down the same drain, but at different times,” Bowser replied. “Luigi had never met me before, and being smarter than his fatter brother, was not fooled by my scheming. He found Mario-“
“At a Pizza Parlor, right?” asked Wendy.
“Yes,” Bowser nodded. “Anyway, he convinced Mario - by buying him a pizza - to fight me, and Mario, after showing Luigi how to use the power-ups, complied. I am not sure how he beat me, but we all know that he did.”
“And thus ended your alliance with Mario and the racing, correct King Dad?” observed Ludwig.
“Yes, we were enemies then,” Bowser answered. “But it didn’t end the racing. Yes, it stopped for a while, but then it started up again. Mario and I hadn’t forgotten how much fun it had been, and even enemies need to relax sometimes. So one lazy day, when Mario and I met-“
“At a Pizza Parlor?” asked Iggy.
“No, at the beach,” snapped Bowser. “When we met, we decided to race again. We added new racers, because the princess, Toad, Luigi, and one of my own Troopas wished to race. We added new courses, such as Mario’s circuit, my circuit, that very beach, and a couple other courses we felt had interesting designs. Weapons were selected- the Star, the Feather, and the Mushroom. Coins were used to boost speed. Each race was five laps. Trophies were given out - and there was the incentive.”
“What incentive?” asked Lemmy.
“Each trophy had money in it,” Bowser explained. “So everyone was willing to put their differences aside for a while to compete for the prize.”
“I thought there were more racers,” Larry noted. “And more weapons, too.”
“The race was only in its preliminary stage,” Bowser continued. “After the adventures of Super Mario World, Yoshi joined the race. Another of Mario’s enemies, Diddy Kong, also joined the race. Diddy brought along the Banana, Yoshi suggested the Lightning Bolt, and each character was given a weapon of choice. You know, so Yoshi dropped eggs, and I dropped fireballs.”
“But that’s not the way the race is now,” pouted Wendy. “You must have lied to us.”
“I told you, that was preliminary!” Bowser shouted. “After a while, when we got bored of the original 20 courses, we changed the courses - and the rules. Each character was to have their own course, so Mario had his raceway, and I had my castle, and there were eight additional courses, all divided into four cups of four races each. The race was decreased to three laps because each course was longer. My Koopa Troopa died in battle, and Mario’s evil twin, Wario, replaced him. Tired of his son having all the fun, Donkey Kong replaced Diddy. The karts were adjusted to be more durable and their rearview mirror was removed. We left out the-“
“Cough cough hack!” shouted Iggy.
“What is it?” asked Bowser.
“I couldn’t let you say too much at once,” Iggy grinned.
Bowser rolled his eyes and continued. “We left out the speed boost coins. We also decided that the Feather was useless and that the preferred weapons were unfair. We added the Spiny Shell, Triple Shells, Triple Mushrooms and the Super Mushroom, the Banana Chain, and the Fake Item. Prizes were increased. And... is that finally it? Have I finished the tale?”
The Koopalings thought hard. “What about that red fish?” Lemmy finally asked. “Where did he come from?”
“The fish?” Bowser repeated. “Well, one day, Mario decided he would be an inventor of sorts. He made some weird green goo and he thought he would give it to his fish to make it live longer. But instead, the goo made the fish huge and stupid, and now the fish had lungs and could fly. That goo could have had scientific use, but then Mario ate it and lost the formula. Anyway, the fish was mad, so to make up for it we allowed it to give out the prize trophies, which had previously been another of Lakitu’s tasks.”
Now that Bowser had finally finished his tale, the six Koopalings applauded. “How often do you race?” asked Iggy.
“Once a month,” Bowser answered. He looked at his watch again. “And I finished the story just in time. Today’s a race day, and I gotta win first prize - that’s a thousand gold coins!” Bowser raced towards the door.
“Wait!” Wendy cried. “Can’t we race too?”
“No,” replied Bowser.
“Can we watch?” asked Lemmy.
“No,” replied Bowser.
“Hey Pop, that’s not fair!” Roy stomped.
“Tough,” Bowser replied as he left.
The six Koopalings were angry - very angry. Finally, Lemmy piped up. “Why not make our own go karts and race among ourselves?”
“What a fabulous notion, worthy of any thinking mind!” Ludwig agreed.
“I know I’ll win!” Roy grinned.
“In your dreams!” Wendy laughed.
Larry called Morton downstairs and they started preparing. Roy and Iggy undertook the task of building seven go karts. Lemmy and Wendy searched for weapons. Larry and Morton scouted around for courses. Ludwig oversaw the project and wrote out the rules.
The Koopalings were almost done with their project when Bowser returned carrying a gold trophy and a thousand gold coins. He looked happy - until he saw what the Koopalings were doing. “I said no racing!” he roared.
Bowser tore up Ludwig’s rules and started destroying karts and weapons. A Koopaling, enraged, jumped up from his chair, shaking the floor, and used his Magic Wand to shoot Bowser. Bowser fell to the floor, dead.
The seven Koopalings all stared at Bowser’s corpse. Finally, as if finally comprehending, the murderer and five of the other Koopalings all began to cheer. “He’s finally dead!” a Koopaling laughed.
“Now we’re in charge!” another shouted gleefully.
One Koopaling, however, was less than impressed. He grabbed the wrist of the murderer and shouted, “Murderer! You’ll have to spend the rest of your life in the dungeon!”
The other five Koopalings gasped at the one Koopaling’s actions. The murderer was outraged. “What are you going to do about it?” he snapped. “I’m king now- you go to the dungeon!”
The other Koopaling frowned. “There’s only one way to settle this,” he frowned. “On the race course. You and me, Bowser’s Castle, three laps, winner becomes king and gets the thousand coins, loser goes to the dungeon.”
The murderer, who felt the other Koopaling must be an idiot to challenge him, laughed and said, “You’re on!”
In his rampage, Bowser had only destroyed five karts, so the murderer and the challenger were ready to race immediately. They lined up at the racetrack, and the five other Koopalings took a seat in the stands. Then Lakitu, who had been hastily summoned, started the race.
The murderer got a speed boost and raced into the lead. The challenger followed close behind - a little too close. The murderer got a Banana and dropped it right onto the challenger, who instantly spun out. The murderer raced ahead.
Unfortunately, the murderer wasn’t watching where he was going and got squished by the Thwomp blocking the door. The challenger raced ahead, but his lead was shortlived because the murderer found a Red Shell and used it.
And in this way the murderer and the challenger battled each other. The challenger would get sideswiped by a Thwomp and the murderer would race ahead, and then the challenger would retaliate with a Spiny Shell. Then the murderer would use Boo to steal an item or maybe to get invisible, and the challenger would make up the lost ground with a Star or a Super Mushroom.
Finally, halfway through the last lap, the murderer hit the challenger with a Green Shell and raced way ahead. But the challenger had been secretly planning for this the entire time. He used his Lightning Bolt when the murderer was jumping from the tower, and the murderer fell right into the lava. Grinning from ear to ear, the challenger raced past the murderer and Lakitu and crossed the finish line. “I win!” he laughed.
The murderer could only cry.
Who killed Bowser?
Who won the race?
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