(Finally, after years-)
Zed: Days.
(-of getting knocked around the world, DB and Zed stand in quiet fervor in the entrance of their old interview studio.)
DB: … Wow.
(Thunk steps in, joining them.)
Thunk: URCHOO!
(Thunk's sneeze sends up sheets of dust and several cobwebs. A spotlight falls from the ceiling.)
Zed: What a dump.
DB: You really let this place fall apart, Zed.
Zed: Ehh. That one's a stretch, even for you.
DB: Yeaaah, I know.
(DB sniffs nostalgically.)
DB: Y'know, for some reason, I was expecting a little more excitement upon our triumphant return.
Zed: Not every moment in your non-life has to be filled with action.
DB: Well I mean it's just there's ZERO excitement. No audience awaiting me, no employees, no confetti... not even the smallest bit of fanfare.
Thunk: Ba-dum-dum.
DB: Not now, Thunk, I'm pontificating. Though I appreciate the thought.
Thunk: Hur...
Zed: I don't think that word means what you think it means-
DB: All that's left is a rundown studio with creaky rafters and a mountain of dust, with not a single soul in sight awaiting our return. And it all gives me this empty feeling on the inside, like everything we've been through was pointless. It feels bad, and I don't like it.
(Zed and Thunk look at each other, while DB starts floating slowly down the aisle towards the stage, which is filled with holes, which are filled with dust.)
Zed: Geez. As much as I hate you, I think I hate you more when you're sulking. Would it make you feel better if you hit me?
(DB looks back at Zed, who flinches.)
DB: … Nah.
Zed: … Oh.
DB: You can do it, Thunk.
Zed: What-?
Thunk: OH BOY!
(Thunk punches Zed's head across the studio.)
Zed: GAH-
(DB turns to watch Zed's head smash into a broken camera.)
Thunk: Hoor!
DB: … Ehh, that was okay.
(He shrugs and keeps on floating along, up onto the stage and towards the back rooms. Zed's body finds his head while Thunk struggles to pull himself up onto the stage.)
Zed: There are stairs, Thunk- you know what, never mind. You keep doing that.
(DB drags himself across the floor, lifting himself up only to open the door to his office/game room, shaking off the layers of dust he picked up. Zed screws his head back on properly, running backstage after DB, while Thunk loses his grip on the stage and falls through the floor.)
Zed: Okay, it looks like you've given up all hope, and that's great. It really is, it means I can finally get outta here. But for some horrible reason I just can't bring myself to ditch you here like this. It'd be like leaving a puppy to drown in a pool just because it mauled me one or fifty times. I can be mean, sure, but I'm not evil.
DB: … What's a puppy?
Zed: … It's a baby dog.
DB: What's a dog?
Zed: … Poochy?
DB: Oh, you mean those spotty things with the big lips from Yoshi's Island, right. Yeah, you'd be a real jerk to let one drown. … Even if they drop their riders in lava and spikes more than I'd like them to.
Zed: Look, point is, cheer up. You're suddenly ten times as insufferable, and that's 2,000% more insufferable than I can handle.
DB: You don't get it Zed. You're fine skulking around in grimy places all by yourself, but I have needs. Social needs. Social needs that were crushed, chewed up, then spit aside because they tasted disgusting after getting crushed, then swept into the trash and compacted into a tiny cube that was launched into space because it was too putrid, but even space didn't want it, so it threw it into an entirely different universe, which saw that as an act of war and destroyed everything in OUR universe and then themselves because they couldn't stand my social-needs-cube.
Zed: …
DB: Look. The most depressing thing of all is that no one was waiting for me to come back. Not a single person.
(DB and Zed finally step into his office/game room.)
Voice: I wouldn't say that, friend.
DB: What the-?
(DB and Zed find themselves standing in front of a Shy Guy and a Bandit, both very well-dressed in pinstripe double-breasted suits over their regular suits, with awesome matching black shades over their masks' eye holes, the Shy Guy holding a flamethrower, the Bandit sitting on DB's desk/billiards table.)
Zed: Oh no, who are you-?
Bandit: How very rude of me. You can call me Kloak. My business associate here is Dagg. Say hello, Dagg.
Dagg: Hello.
(Dagg tips his hat.)
Kloak: We've been waitin' for you a long time, Mr. Boo. You too, Mr. Tork.
(DB's eyes light up.)
Zed: … Thunk! THUNK!
(Grunting noises come from the basement.)
Zed: Oh right.
Kloak: And that's the Whomp accounted for.
Zed: What do you guys want? We don't have any money-
Kloak: Naw, naw. I'm offended you'd brand us as petty thieves. I'd like to think bein' so well-dressed was hint enough that we are legitimate businessmen.
Dagg: Very well-dressed.
Zed: Hey, DB, why don't you do that thing where you do something completely asinine and reckless that works anyway-
Kloak: Hey bones. I'm talkin' here. You ask me what we want and then you interject? Talk about rude.
Dagg: Very rude.
Zed: Okay, okay, I'm sorry, can you just point the flamethrower away? It's making me nervous.
Kloak: 'Fraid not. Gotta keep you from thinkin' you can pull some kinda smart move.
(DB bites his lip and puffs up his cheeks.)
Kloak: Now. As I was sayin'. We're here representin' the head of Lemmy's Interview Studios, the little man himself. He asked us to have a little chat with a few of his employees.
Zed: He couldn't visit himself?
Kloak: Mr. Lemmy is a busy Koopaling.
Dagg: Very busy.
(Meanwhile, at Bowser's Castle...)
Lemmy: Yeeees, these custom-ordered cardboard boxes and this crazy glue will make for the ULTIMATE in fort building! All the others will grovel before my box fort castle!
(He cackles hysterically. Back at the studio-)
Kloak: Mr. Lemmy wants to know where you boys have been. The interview game is still a very lucrative business in his Land, yet despite your contracts and your leases, you haven't been payin' what you owe.
Zed: I'm sorry, we've been on an island, in space, in jail, and on a river of lava.
Kloak: Vacation policy doesn't cover space.
Zed: You know, if you're just gonna kill us-
Kloak: Who said we're gonna kill ya? Dagg, did I say we were gonna kill them?
Dagg: No, you didn't say we were gonna kill them.
Kloak: Y'see? Everythin's fine, I don't know what you're gettin' so high-strung about, bones. No, I'm here as a gentle reminder, and your new agent and supervisor.
Zed: What.
Kloak: Dagg and me are just gonna make sure you boys stay right here where you belong, do your Interviews, and work off the coins you owe. And let me politely add, you owe a lot.
Dagg: A whole lot.
Kloak: Why you always gotta repeat what I say?
Dagg: Sorry.
Kloak: … If you don't do the Interviews, well... It would be a shame if Mr. Lemmy's most esteemed father found out what happened to the escaped prisoners who assaulted him.
Zed: … Erm.
Kloak: There a problem, Mr. Tork?
Zed: Aside from the fact it looks like DB's brain stopped working-
(DB twitches.)
Zed: The fact of the matter is we don't have an interviewee lined up, let alone a proper studio-
Kloak: Don't worry, we got a guy and a temp filmin' location for you two. The Whomp can stay behind and clean this place up. 'Sides, we wouldn't want any accidental squishin's on site.
(Disappointed groans from the basement. Kloak hops off the billiards table.)
Kloak: I think we've been dawdlin' around here long enough. Limo's waitin' outside. You boys got five minutes to get your things and get out there.
Zed: I didn't see any limo out there when we got here!
Kloak: Okay, wise guy, four minutes.
Zed: Agh!
Kloak: Any longer, we come back in to escort you out.
Dagg: Three minutes and fifty-five seconds.
(Kloak and Dagg leave. DB and Zed stand in the office in further silence.)
Zed: … Oh no, oh no. I can't believe this is happening! This is a nightmare! As if my afterlife wasn't bad enough! And you!
(Zed grabs the puffy-cheeked DB by the sides and shakes him back and forth.)
Zed: What was that all about?! You just... floated there! What's wrong with you?! I didn't want to talk with the potentially homicidal maniacs, that's usually YOUR job! Don't you realize what just happened?!
DB: … Yes, Zed. I am very aware of what just happened.
(DB's puffy cheeks disappear as his mouth stretches into a wicked grin.)
Zed: Why the face?
DB: Because, Zed! Someone did remember me!
(DB starts shaking Zed.)
DB: They remembered us! They're bringing us back!
Zed: I wouldn't get your hopes set on a full-on return-
DB: Ha HA! Ha ha ha ha! The afterlife has meaning again!
Zed: I don't think you appreciate the gravity of our situation.
DB: And I don't think YOU appreciate being remembered! C'mon, didn't you hear? There's a LIMO waiting for us!
(DB skips [somehow] out of the office, gleefully dragging Zed out with him.)
Zed: … On further reflection, the only person I should be surprised at is myself.
DB: Byeee Thunk, we'll be back whenever the Interview is over!
Thunk: Oor!
(DB flies out of the filthy studio with Zed in tow, diving into the backseat of the waiting limo, seating them opposite Kloak, Dagg, and some well-dressed Snifits.)
Kloak: What took you so long? Twenty more seconds, we woulda had to haul you out ourselves.
DB: Oh, Zed and I just had to talk a little bit, is all, but we're all good and ready to go.
Kloak: Whaddya know, the Boo can talk after all. Good, not a lotta use for an interviewer whose tongue has been got.
Dagg: By a cat.
DB: What's a cat?
Zed: … You know, like those... little maid-robots in Francis's fortress in Super Paper Mario.
DB: Euugh.
(The limo takes off.)
Kloak: You boys really are somethin' else, you know that? Ninety percent of Interviews woulda been done by now, and you guys haven't even started yet.
Zed: In our defense, you talked at us for like ten minutes.
Kloak: Wouldn't have had to talk at you if you'd been doin' your jobs, but what do I know, I'm just a professional.
Dagg: Very efficient too.
Kloak: Thank you, Dagg. Ah, we're here.
Zed: Geez, that was fast.
DB: Aw man, I didn't even have time to properly savor this limo's candy.
Zed: Those... look like cigarette butts.
DB: Auuuggghhh-
Kloak: Now hurry up and get in there, this whole introduction's gettin' a bit too hammy. I gotta make a call.
DB: I'll have you know I LIKE ham-
Kloak: And no more jokes 'til the Interview starts.
DB: All right, all right...
(DB and Zed are rushed out of the limo and into a shiny-looking studio by the Snifits, through a dressing area, and towards the stage. DB bursts out with enthusiasm and energy!)
DB: Hellooooo Lemmy's Land!
(Quiet from the audience, which is sitting at tables and is made up of a collective of more well-dressed Shy Guys and Bandits, none of their suits quite as nice as Kloak and Dagg's though. A Snifit coughs. DB dodges the bullet. Zed skulks out onstage after him.)
Zed: Wow. I think that's the meanest-looking audience we've ever had.
DB: Funny, considering they're all wearing masks.
Zed: And suits OVER their robes.
DB: So where's the interviewee?
(Kloak's voice comes on over a radio planted in Zed's jacket, as he watches from an elevated booth behind the audience.)
Kloak: Seein' as you two have already had the pleasure of interviewin' a Shy Guy and a Bandit, the choice was pretty clear.
(A Snifit, this one dressed normally, wanders on from the opposite side of the stage, going to sit in a very nice interviewee chair.)
Snifit: Hi.
Zed: It figures that after all that we'd be interviewing a guy with a gun for a face.
Kloak: That reminds me. While you're in here, none of your typical badgerin' of the interviewee. You're in a den of masks, and we're not the types to appreciate seein' our brothers get knocked around for your amusement. I've got a good handle on this joint's security devices, so you better watch yourselves.
Zed: Nuts.
DB: So basically we're not allowed to have fun.
Kloak: What did I say about the jokes, ghost? Get started.
DB: With pleasure. Good evening Lemmy's Land, and welcome to another one of the rare and fabled Dark Boo's Interviews! After years-
Zed: Days.
DB: -exploring the universe, here I am, back with all of you fine folks, to interview this lovely Snifit!
(Nod of approval from the audience.)
DB: Hello, Snifit! Do you mind if I just call you Snifit?
Snifit: Sure, it'll make it easier on you guys, I guess.
DB: Actually it's mostly because two new names are enough to keep track of, and we most certainly aren't grossly inflating our cast of characters. No offense.
Snifit: None taken.
DB: So. Snifit. Are you just a Shy Guy with a cannon in your mask?
(The audience gets tense.)
Snifit: What gives you that impression?
DB: WELL, the robes, the belt, the shoes, even the mask itself is the same aside from the coloring, the eyes, and the barrel. Your game sprites tend to look similar too...
Snifit: Well we're not the same species, I'll have you know we are quite different, thank you very much. We're cousins at best. These bullets we shoot? Not a part of the mask. Intimate part of the anatomy. Mask is there to smooth out the features of our face and complement our mouths.
DB: What's wrong with your face?
Snifit: 's not pretty. Everybody seems to assume there's something awful under a Shy Guy's mask. Well, Snifits are worse.
DB: Yeesh.
Zed: Wait, you've seen Shy Guys without their masks?
Snifit: Despite the fact we consider ourselves different species, the Snifit-Shy Guy allegiance is strong. They've seen us under our masks, we've seen them under theirs. Because of how industrious the Shy Guys are, they tend to manufacture most of our masks for us.
DB: So how do Bandits figure into this whole group of masked enemies-?
Kloak: We're not talkin' about Bandits. You already interviewed one of our boys. If you wanted to know, you shoulda asked then.
DB: Zed, can you turn off that radio in your jacket?
Kloak: You don't wanna do that. Our radios tend to explode if you don't know how to turn 'em off right. Oddest thing, really.
Zed: ...
DB: As I was saying, Zed, can you turn off-
Zed: What?! No!
Kloak: That's a good bones.
DB: Pfsha, it's almost like you're more afraid of that Bandit than you are of me.
Zed: I've acclimated to your harassment, and you're not really scary.
(The Snifit coughs, a bullet lodging itself in Zed's shell.)
Zed: OW.
Snifit: Ahem. Sorry.
DB: Wow. Impatient coughs are suddenly a lot more dangerous.
Snifit: Luckily for you it's not cold and flu season.
DB: You don't REALLY spit out a bullet every time you cough or sneeze, do you?
Snifit: Technically no, but most Snifits have a bullet sitting and waiting to be fired ahead of time. Urrrgghhh, and I just made a new one.
Zed: That didn't sound pleasant.
Snifit: Well if you think about it I'm now carrying a lump of lead inside my head.
DB: Hey, you're a poet and you didn't even know it-
(Zed punches DB in the face.)
DB: Ow, my non-nose!
Zed: So the bullets are made of lead?
Snifit: Actually, no. It's solidified, concentrated nightmare energy.
Zed: …
Snifit: You don't look like you believe me.
DB: Man, Zed doesn't believe anything, despite the fact he's a paranormal entity in a fictional universe.
Zed: I just want answers that don't sound totally ridiculous!
Snifit: I assure you it's true. All of our bad feelings and negative energy are filtered as a liquid into special organs inside of our body, which then compress and solidify it into bullet form, which can take various sizes and shapes depending on the Snifit. My bullets are 24.13 mm and quite bulky, as you can see.
Zed: As I can FEEL.
Snifit: Once the bullet is formed, it's loaded into the organ that's shaped similar to the chamber of a gun's barrel. The organ's quite hardened, too. It has to be. Firing requires a minimal amount of push from us, usually in the form of a spit or a cough, and just a bit of gunpowder.
Zed: Gunpowder.
Snifit: Mmhm.
Zed: From the gunpowder manufacturing organ, I presume.
Snifit: Well to be honest it's not exactly gunpowder, but you presume correctly.
Zed: Okay, sure. But why do the bullets fly so slowly? For bullets, anyway.
Snifit: Like I said, only a little gunpowder is actually used. Too much and we might hurt ourselves. That and the size of the shell...
Zed: How does the bullet maintain its forward momentum without succumbing to gravity?
DB: Just say “how does the bullet keep going straight”.
Zed: Just because you don't understand basic physics-
Snifit: Nightmare energy is very light, and the bullets aren't normally very dense.
Zed: So with its low speed and low density, how come it was still able to punch a hole in my shell?
DB: Because you have a flimsy girly shell, that's why.
Zed: At least I'm not vibrant purple.
DB: Purple is a noble and masculine color-!
Snifit: The properties of nightmare energy make the bullet more dangerous than its actual physical form. It outputs a lot of extra force while in motion, so it easily makes up for what the artillery itself might be lacking. After it impacts with something, it usually evaporates into a gaseous form.
Zed: Well the one in my chest is certainly taking a long time- oh look it vanished.
DB: I'm not seein' any spooky NIGHTMARE gas though.
Snifit: It's incidentally invisible as a gas, but don't worry, it just floats away. It's harmless. As far as we know.
(A Paratroopa smacks against the skylight glass above the studio/club.)
DB: …
Snifit: Now that's just a poorly timed coincidence.
Kloak: What is that, fifth one this week? I swear, mooks these days don't know how to fly, it's astoundin'. Someone get up there with a broom, chop chop. Ah AH, not you, bones, you stay onstage.
Zed: Nuts.
DB: Is that everything there is to know about Snifit bullets?
Snifit: As far as I can tell.
Zed: Oh, can you have more than one bullet at the ready at a time?
Snifit: No, there's a pretty big risk we'll choke and die if we try that. Thankfully we can produce and spit out bullets at a pretty rapid rate, but any Snifit that tries to turn themselves into an automatic weapon is either very skilled or very dead.
DB: Wow, considering your main firepower is comprised of negative feelings, you guys must be seriously depressing dudes.
Snifit: Actually, no. The expelling of nightmare energy from our own bodies means that we're usually pretty pleased as punch. It's healthy, like a purge.
Zed: That sounds pretty nice. Bet I could make a nuke with all my pent up rage.
DB: Don't exaggerate, Zed. Maybe a missile. What about the eyes?
Snifit: Huh?
DB: The eyes of your mask. Shy Guys just have cut-out holes, you guys have... a slightly pronounced white ring around them.
Snifit: Well-
DB: And don't gimme any of that “it makes the eye holes easier to see on the sprite than if the mask were solid black”.
Snifit: Okay, what AM I supposed to say then?
DB: I dunno, say they're magnifying scopes for your eyes so you can shoot accurately at a greater distance.
Snifit: Er. All right, I'll go with that.
DB: Fascinating.
(Meanwhile, back at DB's studio...)
Thunk: Cleaning take long. Boring. Lonely. Why no go away, dirt?
(Thunk is just pushing the dust around with a broom.)
Thunk: This dumb.
Dagg: I would personally recommend a vacuum.
Thunk: Oor! Where fancy pants Shy Guy come from?!
Dagg: I was sent to check on you. You haven't gotten very far.
Thunk: No! Dust no go away! Tried eating, tried squishing...
Dagg: I could rent you my high-power vacuum cleaner.
Thunk: What that do?
Dagg: Sucks away all the dirt in minutes. Uses a lot of energy, though. I'd have to charge you at least two... three thousand coins, not to mention a thousand coin deposit... It's expensive but worth it.
Thunk: But don't have that much! Thunk only have pocket lint. No pockets though.
Dagg: I'm sure we can hammer out a payment plan.
Thunk: Oh thank you, little Shy Guy!
Dagg: No hugs. Just sign here please.
(Back at the Interview...)
DB: Let's talk about Wart.
Snifit: What about Wart?
DB: Do Snifits and, I guess Shy Guys by extension, still hold any allegiance to him?
(The Snifit and the audience bursts out laughing.)
Kloak: Whaddya know, there really is a comedian underneath all that ham.
Snifit: Man, Wart was small time. Besides, Sub-con's a little too metaphysical to be of real value for anyone.
DB: So why work for him in the first place?
Snifit: He looked like a good potential employer back then. Made a lot of promises of grandeur, not to mention he was a king, so we thought he could deliver. But as we all know, Wart hasn't gone anywhere. One vegetable beat down was apparently too much for him, and besides, the pay was exceptionally lower than expected. Snifits don't want anything to do with that.
DB: All right... What about the Koopa Troop? What's your guys' relation with them?
Snifit: My people and the most esteemed King Bowser Koopa have always been on good terms. They paid well, and they liked the fact we have a gun for a face.
Zed: Did you just say “paid well”? The Koopa Troop?
Snifit: Snifits, Shy Guys, and Bandits aren't born into the Koopa Troop like Goombas or Koopas. We're mercenaries, so our running rate is higher than the common grunt's. The high Magikoopa Kamek was particularly fond of us and spared no expense in bringing us into his service, hence why we appeared relatively frequently in Yoshi's Island. Back when he had as much control over the Koopa treasury as he did, anyway.
DB: So why do we see so few of your kind throughout the Mario series relative to Shy Guys?
Snifit: We Snifits are a rare breed. There are complications that come with having a gun for a digestive system, so a lot of us don't actually survive to adulthood.
DB: Aw, that's sad.
Zed: Ooh. You didn't mention it was part of the digestive system.
Snifit: It's also connected to the organs we need to speak. It's an anomaly of nature. Shy Guys, on the other hand, are plentiful and don't have to worry about their organs suddenly combusting in their sleep.
DB: I think that's how I died, actually.
Zed: It most definitely is not.
DB: How would you know?
Zed: I don't know, but I've grown acute to when you start lying.
DB: And I've grown acute to when you're about to get a kick in the stomach.
Zed: You don't have feet-
(DB punches Zed in the head.)
Zed: ARGH!
DB: So. Snifit. That last bit was sad and all, but it doesn't explain why you've appeared less and less in the main games.
Snifit: Like I said, we're expensive to hire. Kamek was usually willing to spend an extra buck or two, but once King Bowser grew old enough to make decisions for himself, he became stingy. And Snifits do not haggle.
DB: Ouch.
Snifit: We're not bitter, though. It's his loss, not ours.
DB: How're you getting paid then?
Snifit: There are potential employers outside the actual games, you know. That's why we're usually not around. We're off doing jobs that have nothing to do with the games.
DB: What kinda jobs?
Snifit: Oh you know. Security. Muscle. Hitman. Desk jobs.
DB: What's your hiring policy?
Snifit: Usually doesn't matter who you are, just as long as you got the money. Starting rates for non-regular clients is sixty coins an hour.
DB: Geez, that's robbery! No wonder Bowser stopped hiring you guys.
Snifit: Like I said, high-running rates. We've been hired by other royalty, you know.
DB: Who?
Zed: Princess Daisy, Mario Party 3 on the Duel Maps.
Snifit: Yes, her.
DB: I'm astounded and ashamed that you knew that off the top of your head.
Snifit: But anybody could hire us in that game. It was just a matter of gathering the funds. Princess Daisy happened to be high-profile enough to hire us from the start.
Zed: Why would you randomly give coins to your client?
Snifit: Think of it as a minor refund for particularly enjoying our jobs.
Zed: But it was random.
Snifit: Keep in mind, since we're constantly venting our bad feelings, we have a hard time gauging what qualifies as a legitimately good job. Either way, we're honorable to our employers.
DB: Including weirdos like Booster?
Snifit: Especially weirdos like Booster. Nobody knows how that man got his money, but his pay rates are absurdly high despite his eccentricities. The positions of Snifit #1, #2, and #3 are among the most competitive for Snifits.
Zed: So why were the blue-robed Snifits called Spookums?
Snifit: Name change employed by Booster so he wouldn't get confused. But even with the name change and blue robes, the lowest position at Booster Tower is still very high paying.
Zed: If there are only three designated Snifits, what was with the Spookum Apprentice in Booster Pass trying to become Snifit 4?
Snifit: Booster was always playing with the idea of adding more “Snifit” positions. He's always playing. The Apprentices, note the plural, just wanted to be the first in line should a position become available. Can't blame them. If they could beat Mario, word of their success would probably be enough to get them the promotion. Maybe.
Zed: But at the end of the game, during the wedding between Booster and Valentina, that entire church was full of Snifits... er, that may have been Spookum-ranked... Point is they were all wearing the black robes of Snifit rank, like Snifits 1, 2, and 3.
DB: Spoileeers.
Zed: It's a sixteen-year-old game, and it's not even that big a detail!
Snifit: In honor of the wedding Booster temporarily promoted all of the Spookums to Snifit rank for a few hours.
Zed: But why?
Snifit: So he could make the wedding a black tie event.
Zed: Why didn't he just have the Spookums dress in black WITHOUT the promotion?
Snifit: You have to remember who we're talking about. Booster's brain functions in ways different than yours or mine.
Zed: Man, that guy would probably be a nightmare to interview.
DB: Hint.
Kloak: You kiddin' me? You know how hard it is to book Booster, let alone get in contact with him? Forget it, I'm schedulin' interviewees that are plausible.
DB: Aw.
Zed: Thank heavens.
Snifit: Is that everything about our affiliations and employment?
Zed: Just one more question. For the positions of Snifit 1, 2, and 3 being so highly competitive, the guys who actually fill those roles seemed a little... thick.
Snifit: It's a ruse.
Zed: Seriously?
Snifit: Well, technically, no. They're acting. Part of the job is to amuse Booster, which entails often acting in silly manners. They're difficult positions to get because Booster is normally very keen to Snifits that are faking it.
DB: And I think that about covers it! What say we move onto audience questions?
(Silence from the audience.)
Kloak: This isn't that kinda gig, Mr. Boo.
DB: What? An interview without audience questions? That's unheard of!
Zed: Lava Piranha.
DB: Oh shut your face.
Kloak: Fact of the matter is, most of the club members here know more than enough about Snifits. Audience questions should be for the benefit of the audience members, not to humor the interviewer.
Zed: Hey, if everyone here already knows about Snifits, then why are we even doing the interview?
Kloak: I love explainin' basic concepts to you, you know that, Mr. Tork? Cameras, remember? This is gonna be televised to the masses. 'Sides. You can still amuse our patrons.
Zed: They haven't been looking very amused, to be honest.
Kloak: Think of it this way. You're not full of holes. If they really didn't like you, trust me. You'd have found out by now. I'm not sayin' you guys are great, but it's not like the Snifits have been havin' coughin' fits either.
Zed: Thank you, that's so reassuring.
Kloak: Oh bones. I have a feelin' you and I are gonna get along wonderfully.
DB: Ah-ha! My brilliant mind has concocted another batch of questions!
Zed: Is it the last batch?
DB: We were about to move to audience questions, so yes. It's time to talk about subspecies!
Snifit: Okay, go ahead.
DB: I'm gonna go through these fairly quickly. I'll bring up a subspecies, you tell me what you can about it, all right?
Snifit: Sure.
DB: All right! Let's start with those weird flying Snifits from Super Mario 64 and Mario Party 2.
Snifit: Those are called Snufits, and they aren't actual Snifits. They're mechanical drones the Koopa Troop designed as a means of getting around our high fees.
Zed: Considering they can fly and shoot in bursts, I'm surprised they haven't completely overtaken your position.
Snifit: Ironically enough they turned out more expensive to produce than hiring actual Snifits, and if Mario smashed them, it's not like they could eventually recover like a normal minion. Hence why they haven't been in production for such a long time.
DB: Makes sense. Moving on... Mario and Luigi: Superstar Saga had quite a few varieties of Snifit.
Zed: Probably because the currency in the Beanbean Kingdom is somehow several times more valuable than Mushroom Kingdom money.
Snifit: Actually the exchange rates fluctuate so violently not even we want to bother with that mess, and most of the “Snifits” over in the Beanbean Kingdom aren't actually part of the Snifit family at all.
DB: No?
Snifit: Anything with a mask that shoots bullets does not a Snifit make. Spiky Snifits in Teehee Valley? Just half-sentient cacti with bullet-shooting masks. Laser Snifits at Woohoo University? Merely Beanbean scientists cursed by the witch Cackletta with a form that bears a startling resemblance to us.
Zed: And the Ice Snifits at Joke's End?
Snifit: Okay, those guys are really Snifits. The girl that's in charge of Joke's End pays really well, but working in such a cold locale means having to bundle up, and the nightmare bullets tend to freeze very easily, which can do all kinds of internal damage. It's a risk-reward, going to work there.
DB: I think that's everyone from Superstar Saga...
Snifit: Wait. Gunner Guys from Bowser's Castle at the end. Don't let the name fool you, they're a special breed of Snifit, not Shy Guys.
DB: Huh. They must have been REALLY expensive for the Koopa Troop.
Snifit: No. Well, yes. Sort of. They were a secret military project, working with Snifits whose bodies produced artillery that was too large and dense for them to carry around or fire normally. So with a bit of surgery, specialized masks, and Shy Guy assistants, they were rehabilitated as weapons for the Koopa Troop.
DB: Why haven't we seen 'em since then?
Snifit: Snifits don't usually live that long when they produce bullets too big and heavy for their bodies, and with all the money lost following the Bowletta fiasco, it just wasn't a project the Koopa Troop could reasonably continue to fund.
Zed: How do you know all of this? Shouldn't this be confidential information?
Snifit: We masks still have a lot of connections working deep within the Koopa Troop.
Kloak: And if you know what's good for you, you'll stop askin' questions about where we get our info.
DB: Okay, onto Partners in Time, I remember a couple of Snifits that would go around the Gritzy Caves in a flying sarcophagus.
Snifit: Ah, Snifaro. Did you know there were ancient Shy Guy and Snifit civilizations that used to exist in desert regions? Built pyramids, all the usual monuments. Nobility was usually buried in pairs, two Snifits to a sarcophagus.
DB: So... were they cursed?
Snifit: Not exactly. The Shroob invaders desecrated many ancient desert ruins and experimented on the sarcophagi with the Snifits inside. Once they were reanimated and the sarcophagi equipped with hover technology, they unleashed them into the Gritzy Caves. Something to take care of prisoners who were thrown down there.
DB: Terrifying!
Zed: The Shroobs tend to be on the terrifying end of the Mario spectrum. Doesn't explain why the Snifits inside were in perfect condition, though, clothes and all.
Snifit: Shy Guy and Snifit style has remained the same for thousands of years, and the Shroobs repaired any minor damage on the outfit they could. Don't forget, no one ever saw the condition of the body underneath the suit.
Zed: That would probably be a little more unsettling if I wasn't a skeleton.
DB: So... I guess that just leaves those flower things from Bowser's Inside Story. Which I assume, like the cactus, were just half-sentient flowers with a cannon mask attached.
Snifit: Erm. Actually, no. Flifits. Flifits were a product of Fawful's genetic experimentation when he was in power, as were the Sneeds they produced and the flying Snifits that assisted them.
DB: Eegh. Are you saying he cross-bred sunflowers with Snifits?
Snifit: Through the magic of science, yes.
Zed: Why?
Snifit: Because he's Fawful. And they could actually reproduce! The Sneeds? The sunflower-seed Snifits? They could become full-grown Flifit's in a manner of minutes.
DB: Sounds like Flifits... kinda bother you.
Snifit: What can I say? It wasn't enough for Fawful to just hire our services, he had to permanently change and experiment upon the Snifit genetic structure. It's unsettling, and quite frankly, I'm glad King Bowser punched that guy's stupid face in.
DB: Yeah, I bet the sunflowers were upset too.
Snifit: …
DB: … I'm sorry for your loss.
Zed: Tactful.
DB: You know it!
Snifit: Anyway. While the Flifit subspecies could theoretically live on, I doubt they will, given how many King Bowser incinerated and the overall low population Fawful produced.
DB: Aw, that's sad.
Snifit: So it goes. Way of life. Snifits always find a way, though. We're nothing if not persistent.
DB: And I think that's all the questions we have! Thanks for talking to us today, Snifit!
(The audience nods in what could generously be called approval.)
Zed: And thanks for only shooting me once.
Snifit: You're both welcome. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a job somewhere.
DB: What is it?
Snifit: Oh you know. Shooting things.
Kloak: Also none of your business. As for the Interview, you boys didn't do bad.
DB: Ahh, I still got it.
Kloak: I didn't say you did well either.
DB: You can be such a putdown, you know that?
Kloak: I'm just makin' sure you understand what I'm sayin'. Kinda my job, clarifyin' things for people who don't seem to get the message. Anyway, I just got a call from Dagg. Your Whomp finished cleanin' your studio. I can give you a lift back there if you want.
Zed: Gee, how kind.
Kloak: Or I can just let you walk back through a bad part of town. Your choice.
Zed: All right, I'm sorry.
Kloak: I didn't ask for an apology, I just wanted to make the choice clear.
Zed: This is gonna be a regular thing with you, isn't it?
Kloak: I'm sorry, am I annoyin' you, bones?
Zed: … No.
Kloak: Glad to hear it.
DB: HEY!
(DB is already outside in the limo, honking the horn.)
DB: Let's go already, this club has been giving me chills the whole interview- OW.
(The chauffeur kicks DB out into the street as Zed steps out of the club, followed by Kloak.)
DB: You just lost a tip!
Zed: Well he just earned one from me.
Kloak: Both of you get in the back, we're burnin' fuel here.
(DB grumbles and Zed grins as they get into the back of the limo, followed by Kloak. The limo takes off.)
DB: So... ...
Kloak: Kloak.
DB: Yeah, Kloak. How much exactly do we owe Lemmy?
Kloak: Much as I'd love to tell you, I was specifically told not to give numbers. Mr. Lemmy wants it to be a surprise. All you need to know is that it's exorbitant, and that we're gonna have plenty of time to get to know one another.
DB: Wonderful.
Zed: Isn't withholding that information against the law?
Kloak: You're forgettin' that the royal Koopa family is the law in Lemmy's Land. Consider yourself lucky Lemmy thinks it's a better idea to make you do Interviews than turn you in to his father.
DB: To be fair, I never actually attacked Bowser. Or made up a story about how successful it was.
Zed: …
Kloak: This is true.
DB: Ha ha-!
Kloak: He does think you look like a good punchin' bag though.
DB: …
(Zed snickers.)
Kloak: So I'm gonna be keepin' a close eye on both of you. Just behave yourselves, interview the people I arrange, and we should be done with one another in a reasonable timeframe.
DB: When's that?
Kloak: In a reasonable timeframe.
Zed: I don't like the ambiguity in that answer.
Kloak: And I don't appreciate how long this interaction has gone on for. I think it would behoove all of us to save this for later.
DB: What? Hey, no! We haven't gotten back to my studio yet! And we only cutaway to Thunk once!
Kloak: It'll make a wonderful note to pick up on in the next Interview. Meantime-
DB: Don't you say it!
Kloak: What, end transmission?
DB: Yeah, don't say that- Wait, no-!
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