(It had been an incredibly long time... several months in fact, since Phantos67 or his crew had been spotted... anywhere. It seemed as if they had simply disappeared from existence... In fact, that’s exactly what happened. Phantos67, Wacko, Thud, G Bloop, and all the others had mysteriously disappeared... possibly forever. But one day, not so long ago, a CD washed up among the banks of a river near Lemmy’s Land. A young Koopa picked it up and brought it to Lemmy’s Land to show Lemmy.)
Koopa: Lemmy, Lemmy, Lemmy!
Lemmy: What, what, what?
Koopa: I found a CD!
Lemmy: ... Good for you. Now go tell the others.
Koopa: They weren’t interested.
Lemmy: BIG surprise. Let me see it.
(Lemmy puts the CD in and sees Phantos67’s face appear on the screen... well, actually Phantos is only a face anyway, but whatever. Lemmy realizes that this is an Interview.)
Lemmy: I... I forgot about Phantos... Wow, I wonder where he’s been! I’m going to watch this.
Koopa: Can I watch, too?
Lemmy: As long as you don’t comment on the Interview. I hate it when people do that.
Koopa: Ok.
****
Phantos67: Welcome to the Traveling Phantos67 Interview Show! Today I am at the top of Chomp Pit. It’s basically a big hole in the ground where vicious man-eating Chomps lie at the bottom! We most likely will be eaten.
Wacko: But we aren’t men. We’re more like creatures.
Phantos67: Racist. Anyways, let’s go! I’m invincible, so at least we know I’ll survive, right?
G Bloop: That makes me feel SO much better. *rolls eyes*
(The gang jump into the pit. The crewmembers that can’t fly, float, or hover land in a heap at the bottom.)
Chomps: RRRRRRRRR!!!
Nasher: Bark Bark!
Phantos67: Nasher, tell these Chomps that we come in peace. And that we’ll kill all of them if they don’t quiet down.
Wacko: ...
Nasher: Bark Bark, Chomp, Bark!
(The Chomps’ pupils get REALLY big, and they all start to cry.)
Wigit: ... I’ve never seen a crying Chomp before.
Phantos67: I think this Interview has broken a record for the most dot dot dot’s in an Interview.
Wigit: ...
Phantos67: I’m interviewing that big Chomp over there.
Wacko: The HUGE one?! He’ll eat us alive!
(Phantos67 goes over to the big Chomp.)
Phantos67: Boo.
Big Chomp: AAAUUGHHH!!!
Phantos67: I’m interviewing you. Answer, or I’ll have one of my assistants kill you. Question one, what is your name?
Big Chomp: Bruno the Chomp of Death. *sniff sniff*
Phantos67: What a sissy name. Something like Melvin the Chomp of Rosebuds is MUCH scarier. I’m going to call you Melvin from now on. Question two, what was the first game you appeared in, Melvin?
Melvin: Super Mario Brothers 3.
Phantos67: Cool. Is it true that Chomps appeared in some of the Zelda games? You know, the game where Santa’s elf runs all over the place collecting rupees?
Link: I am NOT Santa’s elf!
Melvin: Yeah, for one or two games, as did the Thwomps. But they were slightly different, a very rare kind of Chomp that now is extinct.
Phantos67: How do you digest everything you eat?
Melvin: Chomps have an acid in the pit of their body that breaks down food particles into gas. Then, when nobody is looking, we burp REALLY loud!
Phantos67: You must get an A+ for manners, huh?
Melvin: Yup!
Wacko: How come you’re always bound by a chain?
Phantos67: Wacko?
Wacko: Yes?
Phantos67: What are you doing? This is called PHANTOS67 interviews CHAIN CHOMP, not PHANTOS67 AND WACKO ASKS AN OCCASIONAL QUESTION interviews CHAIN CHOMP.
Wacko: ...
Phantos67: Have we broken a high score or what? So, Melvin, how come you are always bound by a chain?
Melvin: Because we would eat everything on the entire planet of Plit if we were let loose. We have to stick to our zones. We get to eat whatever comes into our zones, but nothing outside of it.
Phantos67: In Yoshi’s Island DS, there were huge bouncing Chomps. Why weren’t they on a chain?
Melvin: After Yoshi and the babies saved the island, the Chomps ate the whole island.
Phantos67: Did not.
Melvin: Just kidding. They had zones too, because they were robot Chomps. They could only go in their designated part of the island.
Phantos67: What about those Chomps that just eat half the stage and you have to run from them?
Melvin: Those parts of the stage were created as sort of a trap for Yoshi and Baby Mario. They were robotic Chomps as well.
Phantos67: And about this robot Chomp thing. Isn’t this kind of redundant? I mean, you are made of metal and all, so why aren’t you already considered a robot?
Melvin: Because we are thinking individuals that are extremely loyal to Bowser. In a way, we are a sort of living robot, almost like a Bob-omb, except more alive.
Wacko: That didn’t make sense to me... but-
Phantos67: But you aren’t in this Interview so it doesn’t matter what you think.
Wacko: Man, you’ve gotten grumpy these past few days.
Phantos67: Have not, now shut up before I give you a Game Over!
Chef Guy: EEEP!!! He said the G Word!
G Bloop: Ya mean Game Over?
Chef Guy: EEEP! There it is again!
Wacko: Technically that’s the G-O Word-
Phantos67: Shut up, ya Flower Fuzzy!
Wacko: Racist!
Melvin: Ahem.
Phantos67: Right. So tell me a little bit about Fire Chomps. What’s up with them?
Melvin: They were created in the depths of Mount Lavalava using a metal that can only be melted in the depths of-
Thud: MOUNT DOOM?!!
Phantos67: Wrong movie.
Wacko: This isn’t a mov-
Phantos67: Shut, UP!!!
Wacko: *sniff, sniff* If you don’t want me, than... I quit!
Phantos67: Eh, come on back here. GROUP HUG!
Melvin: ...
Ten minutes later...
Phantos67: So Melvin, how do Fire Chomps spit fire?
Melvin: They have kept an ever burning flame inside of them, and with a slight breath and a flick of the head, they can send a fireball from their mouth.
Phantos67: So what about your defense? You seem pretty strong in that area.
Melvin: Oh, we are. We are invincible unless you use a Starman on us.
Phantos67: ... That means you aren’t invincible if you have a weak spot. In this case, a Starman.
Melvin: But I’d say we have a 9/10 in defense. We are pretty accurate in lunging for a bite.
Phantos67: About that... are you cannibals or something? You like to eat people?
Melvin: ... We’re creatures of sorts. Some creatures eat humans. You know, like lions?
Popple: Wrong planet, see?
(He pulls out an intricate diagram while avoiding Thud.)
Wacko: ...
Phantos67: I’m serious about that “...” record. Well, that’s all the time we have for today!
G Bloop: We have five more minutes.
Phantos67: But I’m hungry, so I’m stopping by the Burger King on the road.
Melvin: There isn’t a road or decent path for miles. Just thick jungle.
Phantos67: Once again, I’m Phantos67, and this is the Phantos67 Traveling Interview Show. Thank you and good night.
Wigit: It’s not even noon.
Phantos67: Thank you and good... right before noontime, I guess. END TRANSMISSION!
****
Lemmy: Well, that was entertaining.
Koopa: *SNORE!*
Lemmy: Wait a minute... There are four more interviews on this! Well, I’ll have to watch them another time.
(And so ends the first of Phantos67’s Lost Interviews. Where is Phantos67? Is the gang still together? How did they dissapear from existence? Will they ever get back? Are... they even alive? Find out as the saga continues.)
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