(Fawful pops up from the bottom of the screen.)
Fawful: Spoilers of the masses here are! Now you leave if spoiled to be you do not wish!
Prof. Frankly: *pops up next to Fawful* He said there are massive spoilers here, and you should leave right now if you don't want any plots or details of Wario's adventures ruined for you.
Fawful: Finkrat! What I said is that!
Prof. Frankly: He said that's what he said.
Fawful: Repeating what I say, you will quit?!
Prof. Frankly: He's telling me to stop repeating what he says.
(Fawful's headgear suddenly drops down on his head, and a large cannon pops out of the top.)
Fawful: Mustard of doom, foolish finkrat- the bittersweet taste of defeat you will have!
Prof. Frankly: He's going to shoot me with a mustard cannon... Wait, that's not good.
(Let's leave these two before this gets ugly. We join The-)
Carl: Actually, it's The Villainous League of Villainous Villains now.
(What?)
Carl: Yeah. See, it was getting too hard to remember, so I cleared it with Danny boy to have it changed. Catchy, right? I think so, too.
(... Right. Well... We join our... "heroes" in Sarasaland, where Norbert, Dagget, Maleficent, and Carl-)
Carl: THE EVIL COCKROACH WIZARD!
(-are overseeing the battle at hand!)
Norbert: (into walkie-walkie) This is Leader Beaver, come in Turtle Tyrant. I need to speak to Fallen Warrior, do you copy? Over.
(The scene switches to Bowser, who is far further ahead of the others into Sarasaland, commanding his own troops as necessary as they are currently fighting alongside a legion of monsters against Sarasaland's troops. Bowser hears the walkie-talkie he sat upon a rock, and picks it up before handing it to Garland, who is commanding the monsters as needed.)
Garland: This is Fallen Warrior. Turtle Tyrant did as requested, over.
Norbert: Excellent! How is progress? Over.
Garland: We have sustained many casualties - but Sarasaland's forces are beginning to weaken. Where is our backup?
(Norbert looks off to the side, where Dan can be seen singing and dancing, which is an incredibly odd sight in and of itself.)
Norbert: Uh... (to walkie-talkie) He's currently singing a disturbing - yet admittedly catchy - song about how he is going to kill and utterly destroy all that Princess Daisy cherishes, loves, and holds dear.
Yoko Dan: (in mid-song) -I'll crumble your land to dust, your death though slow will be quite just… You've nowhere to hide, nowhere to run, those who 'ppose me will BURN as hot as the SUUUUUUNNNN-
(The camera quickly switches back to Norbert before any more of Dan's song can be heard.)
Norbert: So I guess we could say he's indisposed right now. Try your best to win with your available forces for now, Fallen Warrior; Mad Scientist, Big Rooster, and Drill Sergeant are currently working on the Bob-omb battalion to completely decimate Sarasaland's defenses. Over.
Garland: Roger wilco. Over and out.
(Norbert puts down the walkie-talkie, placing his hands on his hips as he looks around.)
Norbert: Now where'd Hulk go?
(Someone taps Norbert's shoulder. The beaver turns around, and Wario is standing there.)
Norbert: Oh, there you are.
Wario: Why can't I just be called Wario?
Dagget: (watching battle through binoculars) FINE, your codename's Wario now.
Carl: Um, 'scusies? Wasn't the whole point of using codenames so that people who eavesdrop don't know who we really are?
Norbert: Oh come on. That never works, most people can recognize us merely by voice. We just gave out codenames 'cause it was kewl.
Wario: So what'd you need me for?
Maleficent: Quite simply put, you are invincible; you are an invaluable ally to our cause.
Wario: What makes you think I should do anything you say?
Dagget: Well, we've got money. And we can interview you.
Wario: Heh! You had me at money. All right... You wanna interview the great Wario?
Carl: Sure. It'd be a nice way to kill some time.
(Maleficent raises her staff, the crystal ball at the top glowing brightly before many chairs appear. Everyone promptly sits down as many minions and a few villains and good characters appear in the leftover chairs, much to their confusion.)
Norbert: All right, first question, why the yellow and purple?
Wario: Eh?
Dagget: He wants to know why you chose yellow and purple as your colors.
Wario: Oh. Yellow is close to gold- as in money! Purple is the perversion of Mario's blue.
Carl: Wow, that's surprisingly deep for you. Okay, my turn! Exactly how strong are you?
Wario: I'm an earthquake in a bo-
Maleficent: No you are not.
Wario: Fine. I'm just as strong as Bowser, if not more so.
Dagget: So why did you lose to Mario?
Wario: I was actually winning, but he just wouldn't give up. Eventually he managed to outsmart and beat me.
Maleficent: Would it be safe to say that you cannot be defeated in a battle of brute force?
Wario: Wahahahahah! Of course!
Carl: SEND IN HOOKTAIL!
(The ground shakes for a moment, and Wario turns around in his seat to find Hooktail behind him. Hooktail roars loudly, and Wario starts to doubt himself for a brief moment. And by "brief" I mean after about four seconds, Wario suddenly has a purple thief's mask on and starts fighting Hooktail to the best of his abilities. The battle is epic, with Hooktail using her fiery breath and Wario ducking for cover when need be and throwing large boulders at Hooktail's head when she lets up. Eventually, the red dragon is defeated.)
Carl: Wow, that was impressive. See, this is why we consider you a valuable ally.
Wario (wearing a thief's mask): Wahahahahah! Fear the Purple Wind! Silent but deadly!
Norbert: The who?
Wario: The Purple Wind!
Maleficent: Wind isn't purple.
Wario: No, it's my thief identity.
Dagget: When did you become a master thief?
Wario: After I stole a wand from a loser named Cannoli.
Carl: Returning to the Interview, you usually get special powers from hats you wear. What kind of special powers do you get as Thief Wario?
Wario: I can run faster and jump higher.
Carl: That's it?
Wario: Well, I can do my shoulder ram move.
Norbert: Couldn't you always do that?
Wario: I was out of shape at the time I got the wand. See, I was in a slump; I hadn't gotten any money or anything in a while, so I was feeling kinda down and hadn't been exercising at all. Then one day I was watching TV and saw this show about a thief named the Silver Zephyr. I figured, "What an amateur! I could steal circles around this guy!"
Maleficent: And what happened next?
Wario: Then I got an idea, and created the Telmet- television, teleportin' ... And uh, it's a helmet.
Carl: What did your "Telmet" do?
Wario: It let me exit this plane of existence and enter the dimensional reality of Cannoli's TV show!
Dagget: What?! That's unpossible!
Wario: You want me to show it to you?
Maleficent: Perhaps later... How did your adventure end?
Wario: The wand turned out to be an old geezer who was the very first of the Cannoli clan, and he used me to defeat a soul-eating demon named Terrormisu, who was in turn masquerading as a woman named Tiaramisu. Naturally I was ticked off, but he gave me all the treasure the Cannoli family stole over the years. Except...
Carl: Except what?
Wario: Except when I went back to our reality, I noticed there wasn't any treasure. I thought for a moment, then looked at the TV, and saw it was stuck in there. I never made the Telmet able to take treasure back to this reality!
Norbert: That's kind of short-sighted.
Wario: Hey, I didn't think I had to! I thought it'd be an automatic thing!
Maleficent: Did you ever retrieve your treasure?
Wario: I couldn't figure out how. So instead I went back to torment Cannoli and steal more treasure before he could. It's a lotta fun!
Carl: You're just plain mean.
Wario: Can-it, cockroach!
Carl: I'm not just a cockroach, I am… *evil pose in front of a dramatic background* CARL, THE EVIL COCKROACH WIZARD!
Wario: You just look like a bug with a cape to me.
Maleficent: Don't argue with him.
Wario: But-
Dagget: He really is a wizard.
Wario: Fine.
Norbert: So do you have a romantic interest?
Wario: A what?
Dagget: Are you in love with anyone?
Wario: Yeah. Her name is Deniro.
Carl: Is she pretty?
Wario: She's gorgeous! There's nothing like 'er!
Maleficent: Don't you mean "no one"?
Wario: No, I mean "nothing".
Norbert: Isn't it wrong to compare a person to an object?
Wario: Not if she IS an object.
Dagget: What does she look like?
Wario: Deniro comes in many shapes and forms. Sometimes she's green and thin, other times small, golden, and round. She can also be a valuable gem!
(Carl smacks his forehead.)
Maleficent: What is wrong?
Carl: I just caught the joke.
Wario: I thought you guys were smart.
Norbert: What do you... OH FOR THE LOVE OF- IT'S MONEY?!
Wario: Wahahahahah!
Carl: Let's change the subject before I suffer an aneurism. Are you really invincible?
Wario: I'm not invincible so much as I'm immortal.
Dagget: How did you become immortal?
Wario: I made a deal with the Star Spirits.
Dagget: Really?
Wario: No. I don't know how or when I became immortal. For all I know, I could've always been this way.
Maleficent: So you can never die?
Wario: I'm also nigh-invulnerable, like The Tick.
The Tick (from the audience): Are you a crime fighter?
Wario: I'm a thief and sort of a mercenary. I'll work for whoever pays the most!
Carl: Hey, no questions from the audience yet! So where were we? Oh, right. So Wario, why are you so greedy?
Wario: I like money.
Norbert: ... That's it?
Wario: That's it.
Dagget: So what was the deal with the Awazon Genie?
Wario: Awa- Oh, you mean that floating head with the two hands from Virtual Boy Wario Land?
Dagget: Yeah.
Wario: What about him?
Maleficent: Why did he wish for your destruction and where did he come from?
Wario: I went to a place called the Awazon River 'cause I heard it was pretty and a nice place to relax. While I was relaxing, though, these weird-lookin' things that wear masks with spikes for a nose walked by with a huge amount of treasure.
Carl: So you went after them?
Wario: Well DUH! Anyway, after I caught up with them, I threatened to pound their faces in if they didn't fork over their loot... but then one of them triggered a trapdoor, and I fell down into a labyrinth under the Awazon's basin. So I swore revenge and went around beating up everything in my way, stealing all the treasure I found.
Norbert: So what about the Awazon Genie?
Wario: As I was goin' through the labyrinth, I kept finding these special artifacts that spoke to me about a "great treasure". So I kept picking them up and putting them where they wanted to be, eventually reaching the final room of the labyrinth. It turned out that the voices were the Awazon Genie, who had been locked up in the labyrinth for centuries and wanted out. After he was set free, he said I was no longer needed, and that he would crush me before setting off to takeover the world, or whatever it is evil genies do.
Maleficent: What happened after his defeat?
Wario: I stole all his treasure and got a magic flying carpet and one of those women from gambling joints who wear bunny ears and a cotton tail.
Dagget: Wait, you got a girl?
Wario: Yeah. Why?
Carl: No one's ever seen 'er. What happened to her?
Wario: I kicked her off my flying carpet when I found out she didn't have any money.
Maleficent: Was she beautiful?
Wario: Of course not! She had fair skin, long brown hair, green eyes, slender arms and legs, and an hour-glass figure!
Norbert: But that's like the very definition of buh-yooteh!
Wario: Not to me it's not!
Dagget: Well what would you define beautiful as?
Wario: Gold and shiny.
Maleficent: I believe now would be a good time for audience questions, before this man continues to show how twisted he is.
Carl: Okey-dokey. Audience question time. Lessee, uh... You there, in the green!
Luigi: Why-a is Sarasaland under attack?
(There's a long silence. Carl did not realize that it was Luigi he had called on, and no one had noticed he was even in the audience.)
Dagget: (whispering to Maleficent) Why is HE here?!
Maleficent: (whispering to Dagget) I merely summoned individuals at random to form the audience!
Norbert: (to Maleficent) But he actually LIKES Princess Daisy! How are we supposed to explain this?!
Carl: Eeeeeeeeuuuuuuhhhh... Sarasaland isn't... under attack. What you see is... merely a simulation of what would happen if Sarasaland entered a war.
Luigi: Oh, okay.
Carl: Wow, that actually worked? I mean- Any questions for WARIO?
Luigi: Why-a did you steal Mario's castle?
Wario: I wanted it.
Maleficent: The red-shelled Koopa.
Red Koopa Bro: It's been a long time since the last Interview, huh? So uh... Do you ever have a real reason for stealing things other than because you want them?
Wario: No, not really. When I see something I want, I just take it!
Dagget: I call on... The Tick.
The Tick: Do you have a catchphrase? Something that lets you rise up against the odds and gives you strength when needed?
Wario: The Purple Wind- silent but deadly! Smell it!
The Tick: Wait, THAT was your catchphrase? I thought you were joking!
Wario: Shut it, you use the word "spoon"!
Norbert: I call on the Peach lookalike.
Peach-Bot: INQUIRY: Why do you dislike Mario?
Wario: He gets all kinds of valuables, and he just throws them all away! He gets everything handed to him on a silver platter! It's not fair!
Luigi: A-MEN TO THAT! A-MEN!
Wario: The white Shy Guy!
General Guy: What do you do in your free time?
Wario: I exercise. Now I call on... the green pirate ghost!
The Flying Dutchman: Who do you think is more greedy, you or Mr. Eugine Krabs?
Wario: Uhhhh... Probably me.
The Flying Dutchman: What makes ya say that?
Wario: I'm Wario!
Norbert: The thief sitting next to Luigi.
Popple: Were you behind the events of Super Mario Land?
Wario: I hired Tatanga to kidnap Princess Daisy, knowing Princess Peach would tell Mario to go help her out. With Mario busy in Sarasaland, I used this time to takeover his castle and scatter the six Golden Coins that were needed to get inside. I gave the last one to Tatanga when he returned.
Maleficent: The cat-bear-rabbit creature.
Chowder: What's your favorite food?
Wario: Steak. I also like my steak with a side order of French fries.
Dagget: The green ghost that looks kind of like Kirby.
Bow: Which Koopaling is your favorite?
Wario: It's either Roy or Larry: Roy because he's tough like me, and Larry 'cause he's sneaky and underhanded like me.
Carl: The green ghost who was clearly made to appeal to adults for obvious reasons.
Desiree: Would you help me destroy my enemies?
Wario: Do you have any money?
Desiree: No, but if you wish for it…
(Wario gets up and walks over to Desiree. Grabbing her by her ghostly tail, he begins spinning Desiree around a la Super Mario 64, then throws her into the horizon.)
Wario: THEN GET LOST!
Maleficent: The female Magikoopa next to Bow.
Kammy: What do you think of Captain Maple Syrup?
Wario: I hate her guts and if I ever see 'er again, I'm gonna beat 'er face in until she gives me back my money!
Norbert: The fat guy with the glasses.
Kent C. Koopa: I'm not fat!
Norbert: Not you, the fat guy with the glasses and the big head!
Francis: My head isn't big...
Norbert: ... Peter Griffin.
Peter: So uh, have you ever wanted to be something besides a thief, a crook, and a jerk?
Wario: Well... I've always wanted to be the sheriff in an Old Western town, defending the weak from those lawless bandit guys.
Peter: Seriously? I never pegged you as the law-defender type.
Wario: I blame Mario.
Carl: You blame Mario for a lot of things.
Wario: I also blame Captain Syrup, Luigi, Princess Peach, Tatanga, and the guy who never updates his website for neglected Mario characters.
Dagget: Who?
Wario: Never mind.
Maleficent: It has been... a learning experience interviewing you.
Carl: (under his breath) That's putting it mildly.
Wario: So what now?
Norbert: Well, we still need you to do something for us.
Wario: Oh, right. What d'ya want me to do?
Dagget: We need you to find out what's keeping Mad Scientist, Big Rooster, and Drill Sergeant from finishing the secret weapon that will turn the tide of this battle.
Luigi: What battle?
Carl: ,Oh this isn't a battle… it's a roleplaying exercise.
Luigi: Ooh, can I join?
Carl: Uhhh... Sure. You can be... Donut Boy. You're the guy that runs all the way to the complete opposite side of the planet to pick up donuts, and then feeds them to Godzilla.
Luigi: Sweet! What do I do after all that?
Norbert: Report back to us in about three years.
Luigi: Yahooo! All right, I won't let you guys down!
(Luigi runs off, and Carl grins.)
Carl: Well, that was easy.
Wario: Wait, who are Mad Scientist, Big Rooster, and Drill Sergeant?
Maleficent: Dr. Ivo Robotnik, Scratch, and Grounder, respectively.
Wario: Oh. All right. Where are they, and what do I do after that?
Norbert: They should be in their fortress on Mobius. There's a hidden warp pipe to it behind that giant rock. As for what you do afterwards, come back here and tell us what's taking them so long, obviously.
(Wario nods and walks behind the giant rock Norbert mentioned, hopping down the warp pipe located there.)
ROBOTNIK'S FORTRESS, MOBIUS
Dr. Robotnik: At last, Scratch and Grounder- we have done it! The Bob-omb battalion is completed!
Grounder: Hooray! Now we can help the others beat that Peach lookalike!
(Wario suddenly bursts through the door, looking around a bit before scratching his backside and walking up to the trio.)
Wario: Are you Robotnik?
Dr. Robotnik: Yes. Why do you ask?
Wario: I was told by Norbert to check up on you, see what's taking so long for the secret weapon to be finished.
Dr. Robotnik: Secret weapon? What se- AH, yes! Scratch, bring one of them to our guest here!
(Scratch picks up one of the Bob-ombs that is standing around with the others, and shows it to Wario.)
Wario: What's this? Just looks like a red Bob-omb.
Dr. Robotnik: It's an EXTREME BOB-OMB!
Scratch: They do extreme things, like sky-diving and snowboarding!
Grounder: And they explode!
Scratch: To the extreme!
Wario: Uh... Okay. So they're done?
Dr. Robotnik: Of course! I'm Dr. Rrrobotnik- I ALWAYS finish my inventions!
Wario: What was taking so long?
Dr. Robotnik: These two nincombots kept goofing up!
Wario: How-so?
Grounder: Like this!
(Grounder bumps into Scratch, who drops the Bob-omb he is holding.)
Scratch: NO!
Dr. Robotnik: YOU SCRAP-BRAINED NITWI-
(Robotnik's fortress is blown to tiny, tiny bits due to the Bob-omb exploding, which also sets off the other 49 Bob-ombs that had been made.)
END TRANSMISSION
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