Mr. Salty: Eat, s-
JOHNNY: Don't say it!
Mr. Salty: Why not?
JOHNNY: First of all, we know you stole that quote from Gears of Wars, and secondly, no swearing.
Mr. Salty: I have no idea what Gears of War is.
JOHNNY: Nice lie. Now, no stabbing people.
(Mr. Salty pulls out a pair of scissors and stares at JOHNNY.)
JOHNNY: No, please don't! Don't stab me!
Mr. Salty: That's what I thought.
O'Keil: Wow, look at this kid! Look at the huge scar he left when he stabbed me!
(O'Keil shows everyone his scar.)
Zeek: Wow Salty, you jerk.
Mr. Salty: Go die!
(Mr. Salty stabs Zeek in the back.)
Zeek: Oww, what are you doing, Salty?!
JOHNNY: Stop it now!
(Mr. Salty stares as JOHNNY and starts chasing him with the scissors.)
JOHNNY: Mommy! Help, I'm being chased by a deranged maniac who wants to stab me!
Cod: Hey, what are you doing here?
O'Keil: I felt like it.
Cod: Leave!
(Cod goes all kung-fu on O'Keil.)
O'Keil: Look at this kid; he thinks he's the best at kung-fu!
Cod: Hey, have any of you guys seen zz?
Zeek: I don't know.
Mr. Salty: Is there anything you do know?
Zeek: Wow Salty.
Mr. Salty: Wow Zeek, you're such a crazed psychopath.
Zeek: At least I don't carry around scissors and stab people with them.
Mr. Salty: Well I need them for defense.
Zeek: From who?
Mr. Salty: Everyone, they keep trying to steal my gum.
Cod: Oh yeah? You’ve become a gum dealer now?
Mr. Salty: Yes, and everyone is trying to steal my gum because they don't want to pay me for it.
Cod: Like JOHNNY is now?
(JOHNNY is seen reaching into Mr. Salty’s sweatshirt pocket.)
JOHNNY: I almost got it!
(Mr. Salty stabs JOHNNY with the scissors.)
JOHNNY: Youch!
(JOHNNY falls down and starts crying.)
Zeek: Wow Salty, look what you did.
Mr. Salty: It's not my fault.
Cod: How isn't it your fault?
Mr. Salty: That I don't know, but I will figure it out.
JOHNNY: Salty, for badly hurting me, you must do the Interview!
Mr. Salty: What? This is cruel and unusual punishment!
Zeek: Well then that's perfect for you.
Mr. Salty: Eat, s-
Cod: Seriously, stop swearing, and for the millionth time, you did not make up that quote.
Mr. Salty: Yes I did!
JOHNNY: Interview, now!
Mr. Salty: Fine.
(Mr. Salty and the rest of the gang walk on stage.)
Mr. Salty: Hey, what are you guys doing here?
Cod: We're going to watch you completely fail at interviewing someone!
Mr. Salty: Me? Fail? That's got to be a joke.
Zeek: No it isn't. Check out the person you're interviewing.
(Mr. Salty turns around to see an angry looking Roy.)
Mr. Salty: Oh great, why do I always get the fat ones?
O'Keil: You're going to get owned!
Roy: Hey, what's been taking you so long?
Mr.: Salty: I don't know.
Roy: Well I'm impatient!
Mr. Salty: No, really?
Roy: Your sarcasm is lame.
Mr. Salty: Oh my, you actually know what sarcasm is!
Roy: Don't make me pound you.
Mr. Salty: I have scissors and I'm not afraid to use them, right O'Keil?
O'Keil: Right.
Roy: I ain't scared of scissors.
(Mr. Salty pulls out his scissors and goes to stab Roy with them, however, Roy grabs them out of his hand and crushes them.)
Mr. Salty: Hah, I’ve still got a very sharp pen.
(Roy does the same to the pen.)
Roy: Now, would you like to interview me, or fight me?
Mr. Salty: Yeah, I'll take the Interview. First question Roy, how come you got assigned Sky Land in Super Mario Bros. 3?
Roy: Because while I was waiting for Mario I could work out by climbing up and down the tower.
Mr. Salty: So why did you start working out in the first place?
Roy: Well, when I was born the first thing I can remember is Ludwig pushing me down to the ground. I guess that made me want to get stronger so I could do that back to him.
Mr. Salty: Then how come it's always Iggy you beat up?
Roy: Well, Iggy is the weakest and the dorkiest.
Mr. Salty: Wouldn't you rather beat up someone stronger, like Ludwig, to show off your strength?
Roy: Nah, Ludwig and I are partners in bullying.
Mr. Salty: Have you guys ever thought of trying to takeover the world? I mean, with Ludwig as the brains of the operation and you as the brawns, you would be a pretty good combo.
Zeek: Salty, don't give them any ideas!
Roy: Heh-heh, I like that idea.
Cod: Wow Salty, I knew you would mess up.
Mr. Salty: You’re lucky I don't have my pen or my scissors.
(Roy starts smiling, looking content that he is the one who disarmed Salty.)
Mr. Salty: So why did you get the Forest of Illusions in Super Mario World?
Roy: Because I could hide in the forest, and sneak up and attack Mario when he wasn't expecting it.
Mr. Salty: Then why did you stay in your castle the whole time?
Roy: I didn't expect Mario to arrive so soon. I thought that Ludwig would have held him off for a day or two more, but I guess he's weaker than I thought.
Mr. Salty: Roy, how come you're bald?
Roy: Being bald makes me look even tougher than I am.
Mr. Salty: For some reason I don't believe that.
Roy: Fine, the real reason is I'm so muscular, hair couldn't survive.
Mr. Salty: That stinks.
Roy: Nah, I'd take being strong over having hair any day.
Mr. Salty: So why do you wear those shades?
Roy: Because I have poor eyesight, but don't want to look geeky like Iggy with regular glasses.
Mr. Salty: Do you think you'll ever appear in any spinoff games?
Roy: No, although I'd be amazing if I was in a Smash Brothers game.
Mr. Salty: How very untrue.
Roy: Hey, I'd be wicked strong and I'd just keep jumping and shaking the ground.
Mr. Salty: That wouldn't work if everyone else just jumped.
Roy: Hey, what goes up must come down.
Mr. Salty: No, your age goes up, but it doesn't go down.
Roy: Well that's an exception.
Mr. Salty: Well, I think it's time for some questions from the audience. Seat 38.
Bandit: During Superstar Saga, why did you work for Bowletta?
Mr. Salty: He's Roy; he's too stupid to notice.
Roy: No, I just… well, everyone was going it so I went along with it.
Mr. Salty: Roy, you're not supposed to give in to peer pressure.
Roy: I AM the peer pressure!
Mr. Salty: What do you pressure people into?
Roy: Lots of things. I pressure Iggy into doing my homework, Lemmy into giving me money, and Morton into not talking.
Mr. Salty: I think those are more threats than peer pressure.
Roy: Whatever, all I know is it works.
Mr. Salty: Yeah. Seat 6!
Kylie Koopa: Do you get punished if you fail a test?
Roy: Like I said, I have the magic of peer pressure.
Mr. Salty: It's blackmail, you fool!
Roy: Go die!
Mr. Salty: Hey, no taking my quote!
Roy: Whatever.
Mr. Salty: Seat 77!
Kamek: Why is your shell pink?
Roy: Pink is the color for tough people.
Mr. Salty: Wow, that's news to me. Let's have one last question, how about seat 24?
Larry: Why is it always me who gets the electric chair punishment?
Roy: Because you always hang around the Sports Hall. Leave, never come back, and everything will be all right.
Mr. Salty: Well that wasn't too bad.
O'Keil: Wow, you're so lucky, Salty.
Mr. Salty: Eat s-
(Cod punches Salty in the face to prevent him from finishing the sentence.)
Roy: Hey, how dare you hit my new best friend Salty.
Zeek: Best friend?
Roy: Yes. He causes pain by stabbing, I cause pain by punching. We both like hurting people, so we're a perfect match.
Salty: Hey Cod, I will kill you for that!
(Salty pulls out five pairs of scissors.)
Mr. Salty: Would you like to help, Roy?
Roy: You bet!
(Roy lifts his two fists.)
Cod: #%!*%#
Zeek: That's it; I need to end this before it gets out of hand. END TRANSMISSION!
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