Wacky: Hello everyone, and welcome to yet another Interview here in Lemmy’s Land.
Axem Green: Wow, I can’t believe it’s been almost two years since we’ve made one of these.
Axem Black: Yeah, and I’m back together again.
Axem Green: Shut up! We don’t need to be reminded of that cricket incident.
(Long, awkward silence…)
GIMB: GET IN MY BELLY!
Wacky: Get out of here! You’ve given up on this.
GIMB: So have you.
Wacky: I didn’t give up; I just needed a break, and now I’m back.
Audience Member: We don’t want you two here! Never come back!
Wacky: You came here, didn’t you? What were you expecting?
Audience Member: Good point…
Wacky: Exactly. Now, GIMB, unless you actually decide to come back, I’m doing these Interviews without you.
(Wacky stares very intensely into the camera.)
Axem Green: What are you doing?
Wacky: Making things dramatic.
Axem Green: That wasn’t dramatic at all. You’re just wasting time.
Wacky: No I’m not! GIMB’s gotta learn that I’m going solo unless he decides to come back.
Hammer Bro: Uh, guys? Is this gonna take long? There’s an all-you-can-eat buffet at Bowser’s Castle that I’d like to-
GIMB: Food!
(GIMB rushes out of the studio.)
Wacky: Well, that got rid of him. Sorry, Bro, but even if we finish this Interview quickly, the food’s gonna be all gone.
Hammer Bro: Aw…
Audience: START THE INTERVIEW ALREADY!
Wacky: Okay, okay! Jeez, so impatient. *face palm* So, Hammer Bro, why are you and the other ‘Bro’ characters called Bros?
Hammer Bro: Well, we technically are all related.
Wacky: Oh… okay. What about girls?
Hammer Bro: What do you mean?
Wacky: What about Hammer Sisters?
Hammer Bro: Oh, that. There are girls in the family, but there aren’t Hammer ‘Sisters’. We call them Hammer Bros. as well.
Wacky: How do you tell them apart?
Hammer Bro: It’s really hard once we’re all wearing army gear, but we’ve been given specific orders from Bowser that allow us to tell the difference. In games, there are usually eight levels. Any Bro on an even-numbered level is male and a Bro on an odd-numbered level is female.
Wacky: What about Hammer Bros. that don’t work for Bowser?
Hammer Bro: Then you just guess and hope for the best.
Wacky: Wow, and I thought Bowser’s family was crazy.
Bowser: Hey!
Hammer Bro: Bowser? I thought you were having your buffet today.
Bowser: I was, but that idiot GIMB ate every scrap of food in my castle; he even ate Jr.
At Bowser’s Castle...
(The dining room in the castle has been completely destroyed. GIMB is sitting on the table with a toothpick.)
Bowser Jr (inside GIMB): Can I come out?
GIMB: Silly Jr, people don’t come out after being eaten.
Bowser Jr: It smells like dead people.
Nearly-dead Toucan Sam: Get used to it. Oh god…
(Toucan Sam keels over. Bowser Jr starts to cry.)
Back at the studio...
Axem Black: Poor Jr. He won’t be missed.
*Rim shot*
Wacky: Yeah, yeah, stupid jokes. So why do you wear helmets?
Hammer Bro: We have very vulnerable heads. We don’t want to get our skulls crushed by Mario. Do you know how much that guy weighs?
Wacky: I can only guess. But even with the helmet, you’re still beaten by one jump.
Hammer Bro: I told you, our heads are vulnerable. Just because we wear helmets doesn’t mean our defense is increased.
Wacky: Okay… Why don’t you tuck yourselves into your shell, like Koopa Troopas?
Hammer Bro: Our helmets prevent our heads from getting in the shell. Plus, we store our hammers there.
Wacky: That’s where you store them?
Hammer Bro: Where did you think we held them? In our shoes?
Wacky: Maybe…
Hammer Bro: You’re stupid.
Wacky: And you’re just a grunt for Bowser.
Hammer Bro: How about I hammer your teeth in?
Wacky: How about I smash that weak head of yours?
Axem Green: HEY! Focus on the Interview, you two. Fight afterwards.
Hammer Bro: Spoil-sport.
Wacky: Don’t insult my cameraman.
Hammer Bro: How did I insult him?
Wacky: So you’re as ignorant as you are insulting. You’re just asking for it now.
Hammer Bro: Bring it, scar face!
Audience: SHUT UP! Wacky: Fine. So, about the hammers; how can you hold an infinite number of them? Hammer Bro: We don’t. We can only carry a max of about 10 hammers. Mario just happens to defeat us either before or right when we throw our last hammer. Wacky: What happens if you do run out of hammers? Hammer Bro: Well, there really hasn’t ever been an incident whn a Hammer Bro ran out of hammers. I have heard of one who ran out and was still moving. He went AWOL. Wacky: Seriously? Over hammers? Hammer Bro: You don’t understand; hammers are a Hammer Bro’s life. Without them, we are meaningless. Wacky: I… I don’t know how to respond to that. Hammer Bro: You think we’re just grunts now, you jerk? Wacky: No, of course not. I’m really sorry I insulted you. L-Let’s go to audience questions. Seat 98. Tubba Blubba: How do you determine what Bro you are? Hammer Bro: Depends what color shell you have when you are born. Green is Hammer, blue is Boomerang, red is Fire, so on and so forth. We are then trained in that specific type of weaponry. Wacky: Seat 604. Waluigi: When did you start making playable appearances? Hammer Bro: My first one was in Mario Superstar Baseball. We’re big fans of sports, especially baseball and soccer. I was in Mario Party 8 because they were giving out a year’s supply of candy. Who wouldn’t want that? Wacky: So very true. Seat 402. Toad: Why did Mario shrink from your hammers in Paper Mario? Hammer Bro: What do you think would happen if you got hit by five hammers on the head in a row? You’re bound to shrink a foot or two. Wacky: Valid point. Last question, seat 274. Bamma: Hamma! Hammer Bro: Oh god, not him. I’m not Hamma! He’s on vacation! Wacky: Is that the Boomerang Bro from my Amazing Race parody? GIMB: Our Amazing Race parody! Axem Green: GIMB? When did you come back? GIMB: I’ve been back, fool. Now, Bamma here is gonna help me get my revenge. Go Bamma, kill them all! Bamma: All right! (Bamma then throws a boomerang at Hammer Bro. He pulls out a hammer and throws it at the boomerang. The two collide in midair. The hammer falls on the stage while the boomerang returns towards Bamma. It hits him and GIMB, knocking them both out.) Wacky: Well, that was anti-climactic and pointless. Axem Green: Is GIMB really weak too? I mean, it was just a Boomerang. Wacky: Yeah, but that’s just him. He’s a softie. Remember that hospital thing that you were a part of? Axem Green: Oh yeah… Axem Black: This… wasn’t a very good Interview, was it? Wacky: What do you expect? It’s been my first in almost two years. Hammer Bro: You need a sideshow. Watch, I can juggle. (He pulls out three hammers and starts to juggle.) Audience: Oooooo! (A little later, the hammers fall back on his head, knocking him out too.) Axem Black: Wow, his head really is weak. Axem Green: Well, there goes our fan base, if they’re still out there. (All of the viewers who were watching collapse from the stupidity of this submission.) Axem Green: *sigh* End transmission. Proven Fact: Everyone who has read this Interview has lost some degree of intelligence. They will never be the same again. Whoops! You're not logged in!
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