Phil Bro: Hi. Everyone get out the earplugs, the hats that cover your ears, just, anything that can cover your ears, like any object. The size of your object doesn't even matter, just get 2 and put them in your ears. I'm not even kidding, just-
Director: Hey, we're rolling.
Phil Bro: Ok, but listen to what I said, everyone. For with our Koopa Kountdown dropping to 3, we have with us, Morton Koopa Jr!
Morton: Yeah! Awesome! I am excited!
Phil Bro: You should be. We have a surprise for everyone. My wrestling team, Team Awesome, is making their debut, and will be making regular appearances.
(A Dry Bones walks in and makes some poses.)
Dry Bones: Hey! I'm Dry King, what's up! Woo!
(Dry King sits down. A Shy Guy very slowly walks in and sits down.)
Shy Guy: I'm Killer Guy, and don't flipping forget it!
(He points at the camera, and sits down.)
Phil Bro: Ok, send Morton in.
(Morton walks in and sits down.)
Phil Bro: Let's start. So Morton, what's with that star on your head?
Morton: Well, Roy bought a ring with a star on it, and I bet you can guess the rest.
Dry King: So why was you brown 'n' bald, while everyone else was yellow, playa?
Morton: Because I was given Desert Land, and I was burnt to a crisp and my hair was burnt off.
Phil Bro: So why did you even take Desert Land if you knew that would happen?
Morton: Because me and Iggy are the weakest in the family, and were forced to choose Big Island or Desert Land. Fortunately, I am stronger than Iggy, and I would take the scorching heat over being squished by something gigantic any day!
Killer Guy: I wouldn't. So, you have brown skin, which you explained earlier, but why do you have a white head?
Morton: Because the heat burned my skin, and this is actually my skull that you see here.
Killer Guy: Disgusting!
Dry King: So-
Phil Bro: Let's stop starting our questions with "So". It is annoying me.
Dry King: A'ight man. Now, who's your real dad, if yo' name is Mo'ton Koopa Junya?
Morton: My real dad is Bowser. His original name was Morton, but he changed his name sometime after having me.
Dry King: Why, man?
Morton: Because he said it made him sound fat, like, "more ton".
Dry King: But he is.
Morton: I guess he didn't want his name to reflect it.
Bowser: HEY!
Killer Guy: Why were you green in Super Mario World?
Morton: I had caught a bad flu that day.
Killer Guy: Weird...
Phil Bro: Well it's Morton, whaddya expect?
Morton: Wait, how is the flu weird?
Phil Bro: We said that you were.
Morton: Don't make me go wedding cake version... You wouldn't like me that way.
Phil Bro: Stop! Do whatever he says, you do not want wedding cake Morton!
Morton: Good.
Phil Bro: Ok, why were you gray in Super Mario Bros. 3?
Morton: Just before the battle, I was helping my dad clean up around the place, and his attic is really dusty!
Dry King: But yo, you was in yo' doomship, man!
Morton: Yeah, but he calls everything that's ours, his. It's not fair!
Phil Bro: Ok, and-
Morton: Why would you instigate a fight for the fun of it? Really, what's the purpose? "Oh Morton, I'm fat and stupid and dumb, and everything I gave you is actually mine, hahaha, see ya." Seriously, that is a nasty thing to pull!
Phil Bro: Yeah, but-
Morton: It's like, if someone gave you a business that wasn't going anywhere, and you fix it up to where it's profiting in the millions, and then the person just takes it back, saying it was always his, and you have nothing!
Killer Guy: Hey, will you stop talking for ONE SECOND OF YOUR LIFE?
Morton: Ok, jeez.
Phil Bro: Now it's time for callers! Caller Number 32, you're on the air.
Caller Number 32: I'll have a double cheeseburger with large fries, chicken strips, root beer-
Phil Bro: ... Ok... Caller Number 1, you're on the air.
Caller Number 1: Phil, where's my money? You said you'd get it back to me by Friday.
Phil Bro: Uhh, not a good time, Vinnie.
Caller Number 1: Where's my-
Phil Bro: Line disconnected, I guess.
Dry King: Now it's time fo' Applause or Jaws! Da segment where our interviewee must perform fo' us, 'n' da audience chooses if dey live... o' die!
(A beast is wheeled out in chains.)
"It": Aaagghh.
Dry King: Wow, dat was less den I's expecting, yo.
Phil Bro: I'm telling you, he's a lot scarier when it's only me.
Dry King: Yeah, yeah. Mo'ton, go up 'n' p'fo'm.
Killer Guy: Enough with the apostrophes! Are you that lazy that you can't even talk?!
Dry King: 'Kay man, only one in dat sentence, yheard?
Killer Guy: Ok, I guess... Hey wait a minute! You are hiding apostrophes now! "Y'heard" has one!
Dry King: Yo, why you on my case? 's not like anyone's reading the transcript of this Interview or nothing.
You: Yeah...
(Morton gets up on stage.)
Morton: Ok, so I am going to sing.
Phil Bro: Really? We've had like 4 or something singers, and they all lost. And plus, you're Morton.
Morton: You bet I am.
Phil Bro: It's your choice I guess.
Morton: twinkle TWInkle LITTLE STar, HOW-
Phil Bro: Sorry, you can't do that song. Wendy already did it.
Morton: Oh, ok.
(Morton pulls out a guitar and does a complicated guitar solo. He puts his mic on a stand and sings pretty well, while at the same time maintaining an expert guitar rhythm. 2 Koopas take the bass and drums, but Morton is the star of this. Morton and his band end the song with a guitar solo, jumping in their spots and smashing their instruments as pyrotechnics on either side burst up into the air.)
Morton: Woo!
(The audience gets up and gives Morton a standing ovation.)
Phil Bro: Morton! That was amazing! You're free to go!
Morton: I call that song "Why I bring my cell phone to movies that are good but very quiet, and talk while annoying everybody."
(The audience gets up and boos him to no end.)
Phil Bro: Wow. Shoulda named it something else.
(Morton is fed to "It".)
Killer Guy: Next week we have Larry. Rawwrgghh!
(The trio blow up.)
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