Narrator: Bippy the Bumpty was waiting backstage, nervously.
Bippy: I am so nervous.
Narrator: When all of a sudden, a Toad came rushing towards him.
(A Toad starts rushing towards Bippy. Bippy notices the Toad running towards him.)
Bippy: Judo chop!
(Bippy judo chops the Toad's nose. The Toad stops and starts yelling.)
Toad: OW! That really hurt! Am I bleeding?!
Bippy: That's right, you don't mess with Bippy the Bumpty!
Toad: I wasn't going to mess with you! I needed to tell you some urgent news.
Bippy: Oh.
(Bippy looks more directly at the Toad.)
Bippy: Is that you, Fernando?
Toad: No sir, I'm Jerry.
Bippy: You're Fernando now.
Fernando: Um, sir…
(Fernando notices that his name was changed.)
Fernando: My name is Jerry!
Bippy: Whatever. So what do you need to tell me, Jared?
Jerry: My name is Jerry, sir.
Bippy: I wasn't talking to you!
(Jared reveals himself.)
Jared: He was talking to me.
Bippy: This is my friend Jared.
(Jerry looks at Jared, and then rubs his eyes in disbelief.)
Jerry: (surprised) The Subway Guy?!
Bippy: Yep.
Jared: He knew me back when I weighed a metric ton.
Jerry: I bet no girl would talk to you.
(Jared sighs.)
Jared: I wanted to lose weight, but even Richard Simmons wouldn't help me lose weight.
Flashback to a Jared who weighs a metric ton weighing alongside Richard Simmons...
Jarred: Will you help me lose weight?
Richard Simmons: I don't know…
Jarred: I have my own tank top and dolphin shorts!
(Jared rips off his clothes to reveal a very tight tank top and dolphin short combo. Richard Simmons runs away screaming like a girl. Jared starts crying.)
End of Flashback...
Jared: Anyways I then found Subway, and here I am now.
Jerry: So why are you here?
Bippy: I was thinking about going on the Subway diet
(Bippy starts flexing.)
Bippy: To, you know, give the ladies what they want.
Jerry: Ok…
Bippy: So anyway, what is you want to tell me?
Jerry: Ah yes, well...
Bippy: Yes?
Jerry: It's about the interviewee.
Bippy: Yes?
Jerry: He couldn't make it.
(Jerry tries to hide himself.)
Bippy: (mad) Why not?!
Jerry: Have you ever seen the man?
Bippy: Um... No.
Jerry: I thought so. You see, he's so obese that he couldn't get off of the Excess Express.
(Bippy yells angrily.)
Jerry: But the good news...
Bippy: There's good news?
Jerry: Yes. I knew that he couldn't make it off the train, so I set a webcam up there.
Bippy: And?
Jerry: You'll be able to do the Interview!
Bippy: That's bodacious!
Jerry: (happy and proud) Yes sir.
Bippy: It almost makes me feel bad about firing you.
(Jerry laughs. Bippy stares seriously at Jerry)
Jerry: Oh. You’re serious.
Bippy: Of course I am.
Jerry: What was I fired for?
Bippy: I saw what you did with my wife on Greek Orthodox Easter.
Jerry: I was giving her the Heimlich maneuver!
Bippy: Spare me your modern day shenanigan slang language!
Jerry: She was choking on a piece of chicken!
(Bippy gets mad.)
Bippy: I don't have time for this, I have a show to do!
(Bippy walks towards the stage.)
Bippy: (whispering to self) Yeah right, a *does hand quotes* "piece of chicken".
(Bippy waits behind a curtain.)
Announcer: All right everybody, it's twelve o'clock, and you know what that means!
(The crowd cheers.)
Announcer: It means I need to set the clock!
(The announcer starts cracking up. The crowd is dead silent. A cricket chirps)
Cricket: Nobody realizes how hard this job is.
Announcer: Er, never mind. It's The Bippy The Bumpty Interview Show!
Crowd: Huzzah!
Announcer: Now let's welcome your host, and mine…
(Mario jumps onto the stage.)
Mario: It's-a me, Mario!
Crowd Member: Boo! Get off the stage!
Mario: Okey dokey!
(Mario's hat falls off and he jumps out a window. Mario then jumps back in)
Mario: I forgot-a my hat!
(Mario then jumps out the window again.)
Announcer: The door was open, Mr. Let's-Break-Everything. Anyways, ladies and gentlemen, Here's Bippy!
(Bippy walks out from behind the curtain.)
Bippy: Thanks Phil!
Announcer: It's Ricardo!
Bippy: Who's Phil, then?
(Bippy points to someone in the audience.)
Bippy: You're Phil right?
Audience Member: My name is Fred Johnson, I wear brown pants!
(Fred then starts dancing.)
Bippy: Security!
(Two security Piantas drag Fred out of the theater.)
Bippy: Anyways, that doesn't matter now, it's time to begin the Interview!
(Bippy sits down in a chair.)
(A monitor with a bowtie on it comes down right next to Bippy.)
Bippy: Now Mr. Monitor, I'm going to ask you a couple of questions.
Jerry: Turn the monitor on!
Bippy: Thanks, but you’re still fired!
Jerry: Darn it.
(Bippy turns the monitor on. Heff T. appears on the screen.)
Bippy: Hey Jerry, I think this is on the wrong channel, all I'm getting is a hippo in suspenders!
Jerry: Um, Boss, that's Heff T, the person you're interviewing.
Bippy: Uh oh.
(Bippy scratches his head, and gives an awkward smiles.)
Bippy: Um, sorry about that.
Heff T: No problem, I'm used to getting called worse.
Bippy: Like what?
Heff T: As a child everyone called me... a big, fat, doodiehead.
Bippy: That's not worse.
Heff T: Wait a second, you're right! You stink!
Bippy: Anyways, welcome to the show, Heff T.
Heff T: Thanks, I'm happy to be on here, or, I was.
Bippy: Yeah, whatever. Anyways Heff T, let's get started. Now the question everyone's been wondering. Doesn't it stink being stuck on the Excess Express all the time?
Heff T: *sigh* Yes, every once in awhile I start to miss my family at home. Then I eat some more.
(Heff T eats an entire pizza in 1.5 seconds.)
Bippy: (Woah, this guy has a family?!) Oh, how, um, lovely. So, you have been called the Gourmet Guy of Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door. How does this make you feel?
Heff T: Horrible! Gourmet Guy is ugly, obese, and addicted to cake!
Gourmet Guy (sitting in the audience): I have feelings too, you know!
(Gourmet Guy starts crying and flies out of the room.)
Bippy: Um, I hate to say this, but how does this make you two different?
Heff T: Simple, I'm addicted to high class food, and, the fact that I'm a babe magnet.
(Heff T takes his shirt off. Bippy, the announcer, and the crowd go crazy, in a bad way.)
Bippy: Heff T, please, put your shirt on!
Heff T: Fine, Mr. Party Pooper!
(Heff T. puts his shirt back on.)
Bippy: Praise be to God! I, um, mean, thank you. Now then, how did you afford to get on a very expensive train?
Heff T: Oh, simple, once a year this company takes a layer of fat off of me and sells it as whale meat. It sells better than you’d think.
(Bippy makes a confused face.)
Bippy: Er, ok. So Heff T…
Heff T: Yes?
Bippy: Do you love me?
Heff T: (shocked) WHAT?
Bippy: Do you love me, yes or no!
Heff T: Um, uh, sure. I, uh, I love you, man!
(Bippy starts laughing like a little girl.)
Bippy: You love a man!
(Bippy clears his throat.)
Bippy: Now then, Heff T, how did you, well, get so fat?
Heff T: At first I wasn't fat, then I was born.
Bippy: Really?
Heff T: No, I used to be a normal-sized Toad.
Bippy: Awwww, what happened?
Heff T: You know how Mario gets big if he eats Mushrooms, and Wario gets big if he eats Garlic?
Wario: GARLIC!
Bippy: Yeah.
Heff T: Well I tried to find my "special" food, but I could never find it. At first you’re just snacking, but then once you start getting some and getting some, you can't stop!
Bippy: Ok. So did you ever want to lose weight?
Heff T: There have been times.
Bippy: Did you ever try the Subway diet?
Heff T: No way, man! That's for little sissy girly girls, and Jared!
Bippy: Yeah, I agree.
(Bippy tries to hide the Subway sandwich he was going to eat.)
Bippy: Now then, let's go to the audience for questions.
(Someone in the audience raises their hand.)
Bippy: Yes you, someone.
Someone: Yes, hello, you said you had a family, can you please elaborate?
Heff T: (nervous) I, ah, yeah, of course. I have a wife and three kids.
Someone: What's your wife's name?
Heff T: (nervous) Her name is…
(Heff T. looks throughout the room, and stops when he looks at Bippy.)
Heff T: Her name is, Bippy.
Someone: Bippy?
Announcer: Bippy?
Crowd: Bippy?
(Mario jumps back in.)
Mario: Bippy?
(Mario jumps out the window again.)
Heff T: Yep, her name is Bippy.
Bippy: I have that name! That must mean, I'M YOUR WIFE!
Heff T: No, it's someone else.
Someone Else: I am not your wife!
Heff T: That's not what I meant!
Someone: I don't believe that you have a family!
Heff T: Would you accept two dogs?
Someone: Nope.
Heff T: Fine, I collect dolls! I have no family, I have dolls!
(Heff T starts crying.)
Bippy: Can't you see your emotionally scarring him?!
Crowd: Yeah?
Bippy: And as much as I would like to see it continue, we're almost out of time! Now Heff T, one more question.
Heff T: *stops crying* Yes?
Bippy: Beavers or pineapples?
Heff T: Pineapples.
Bippy: Good night, everybody
(Bippy turns the monitor off. It starts moving back up, and he walks away.)
Announcer: Today's show has been sponsored by Big Roy's Eating and Plumbing, where they'll unclog your drains and clog up your arteries!
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