PlayStop

LORD SETH interviews EXOR
 
By Lord Seth

Lord Seth: Here I am with a generic X-Naut with no name!

X-Naut: Er, actually I do have a name, and it's-

Lord Seth: Don't say it! You need to qualify as a red shirt!

X-Naut: ... A red shirt?

Lord Seth: Yeah! Named after the always-doomed guys wearing red shirts in Star Trek, a red shirt is a nameless, generic person who serves no purpose other than to die to the monster of the week.

X-Naut: Um...

Lord Seth: So anyway! How does it feel to be so generic that you're indistinguishable from the other equally-generic X-Nauts who have no name?

X-Naut: I said I have a name!

Lord Seth: No you don't, and because I'm some random adjective, that means it's true. So how does it feel?

X-Naut: ... I don't feel welcome here.

(X-Naut leaves.)

Lord Seth: Huh. First time that's happened. Guess I'll go play a computer game.

(Lord Seth whips out a laptop and starts playing something.)

Lord Seth: Drat! I died again! Well, let's play some more...

Some time later...

Lord Seth: Excellent! Excellent! I think I've finally got this guy done. All I need to do is-

Roy: Okay. It took some doing, but I got a new interviewee.

Lord Seth: AAAAAHHHH! Now you made me die!

Roy: Oh.

Lord Seth: Well, here we go again. I will defeat the final boss! I WILL BE THE GUY!

Roy: What in the world are you even playing?

Lord Seth: I'm playing I Wanna Be The Guy, a freeware game known for its difficulty! I'm on the final boss, The Guy! So if I defeat him, I will be The Guy!

Roy: So... let me see if I understand this. The story of this game is that you are The Kid, who wants to defeat The Guy, and in doing so become The Guy. Is that right?

Lord Seth: Yep!

Roy: That is, by far, the STUPIDEST premise for a game I've ever heard.

Lord Seth: Oh, yeah, and a turtle kidnapping a princess because she can reverse a spell he made that turned people into blocks makes more sense.

Roy: Well, get the Interview going!

Lord Seth: Not until I defeat this boss!

(Roy grabs Lord Seth's laptop.)

Lord Seth: Give that back!

Roy: Not until the Interview is over!

Lord Seth: Fine! Who are we even interviewing?

Roy: You're interviewing Exor!

Lord Seth: How do you know that?

Roy: It says so in the title!

Lord Seth: Well whaddya know? I guess I have to pay more attention to those things. So where is Exor?

Morton: He said he was on his way, and-

(A giant sword creature falls right into the studio room from above, breaking the ceiling and skewering the interviewee chair.)

Lord Seth: Do you know how much that'll cost me?

Roy: Nothing. You're insured.

Lord Seth: I'm insured?! Since when?

Roy: Uh, since you bought insurance?

Lord Seth: I did?

Roy: Yes, you did.

Lord Seth: Oh, so THAT'S what I was buying. I thought it was some kind of a lottery.

Roy: This is painful. Please interview Exor.

Lord Seth: But he's all the way up there! He's a giant sword! How can I communicate with him?

(Roy brings in a gigantic ladder.)

Roy: With this.

Lord Seth: But I'm scared of heights!

(Roy glares at Lord Seth.)

Lord Seth: Um... but I'm more afraid of you!

(Lord Seth climbs the ladder and sits at the top.)

Lord Seth: So, Exor, how have things been?

Exor: My leader was defeated, our evil plan was thwarted, and I'm a giant sword who can barely move! What do you THINK things have been like?

Lord Seth: So things haven't been good?

Exor: Who said that? Things have been great! They... um... Okay, so they have been pretty bad.

Lord Seth: Here's a real question, though: How were you born? Where did you come from? WHAT IS THE ANSWER TO LIFE, THE UNIVERSE, AND EVERYTHING?!

Exor: Um... I got made. By Smithy. I think.

Lord Seth: Ah, so Smithy is your father?

Exor: Uh, I'm not sure I'd call him that.

Lord Seth: But seriously, a giant sword? It must've taken forever to make you!

Exor: Not with Smithy's amazing techniques!

Lord Seth: Can I get back to my game now?

Roy (from the floor): No!

Lord Seth: (whining) But I wanna be the guy!

Roy: Shut up and finish!

Lord Seth: Great. So, from what I understand, you're so big that Mario can attack multiple points of you!

Exor: Yes; the eyes, the mouth, and of course me myself.

Lord Seth: Astonishing! You're big!

Exor: You have a penchant for stating the obvious.

Lord Seth: I know. So, to defeat you, Mario and friends had to knock out parts of you so they could defeat you, but then you'd regenerate said parts and they'd have to do it again and then deal damage to you yourself and then do it over and over until you were defeated, correct?

Exor: Yes.

Lord Seth: I knew something! Hooray! Okay, next question: What did you do to pass the time while you were basically staying there the whole time?

Exor: Oh, I played "I spy".

Lord Seth: By yourself?

Exor: I never said it was particularly fun!

Lord Seth: Great. Now where was I? Oh, right, on top of this ladder. So Exor, why didn't you just fight Mario at the start rather than wait until he had accumulated enough power to defeat you?

Exor: Hello? I can't exactly move! I couldn't really do much other than act as a guardian against him.

Lord Seth: Okay, so what have you been doing lately? You kind of dodged it before.

Exor: Mostly serving as a guardian for people. It's good work! There's always someone who needs something guarded!

Lord Seth: Okay, last question: Can you help me out on my game?

Exor: No.

Lord Seth: Well, back to it, then.

(Lord Seth climbs down the ladder. When he reaches the end, the ladder spontaneously blows up.)

Lord Seth: Huh, good thing I got off before that happened. Now give my game back!

Roy: Hrm, I want to try it some first. Okay, make a new game, and... Huh. Well, I died quickly. Well let's give it a few more goes.

Soon...

Roy: Argh! This game is too hard! And unfair!

(Roy throws the laptop out the window in frustration.)

Lord Seth: NO! I WANNA BE THE GUY!

(Lord Seth jumps out the window after it. A loud crashing sound is heard.)

Lord Seth: I'm okay! And even though all my bones are broken, I saved the laptop so I shall continue playing this game until I defeat it! I WILL BE THE GUY!

Roy: Why is everyone in my life an idiot?

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