(Mario is in a conference room with Luigi, Ludwig, Birdo, Ms. Mowz, Yoshi, Peach, and Nastasia.)
Mario: So, I talked with Lemmy and he said that the ratings have been going down each Interview. And the only we believe can be the cause of this is bad interviewers.
Peach: What?!
Mario: As a result, I'll be taking over the interviewer position for awhile. Get out!
(Everybody except for Mario walks out, mumbling under their breaths. Mario sighs, and walks out to the stage.)
Cameraman: Rolling!
Mario: Hello everybody, and welcome to another exciting episode of Mario Bros. Interviews!
(A Koopa raises his hand.)
Mario: Er, seat 85?
Koopa: Why'd you name it Mario Bros. Interviews if Luigi rarely appears?
Mario: Well, you see, I have a perfectly good answer. And that is... GUARDS!
(A Sledge Bro and a Chargin' Chuck escort the Koopa out.)
Koopa: You won't get away with this, plumber! The truth will be revealed!
Mario: Right. Anyway, today I'll be interviewing one of my long-time enemies, Goomboss!
(Goomboss smashes through the entrance, being carried on a platform by five struggling Goombas. They walk five feet, then throw Goomboss off.)
Goomboss: Hmph! Unruly peasants.
(Goomboss walks the rest of the way until he is in - or, on - the interviewee chair.
Mario: Okay, here comes the first question... How did you become king of the Goombas?
Goomboss: Ah, I love to tell this story. You see, as a young Goomba, I somehow grew much faster than any of my friends. In fact, I became the biggest Goomba in Toad Town! When word got out about my size, the head Goombas of each kingdom on Plit had a worldwide conference. Eventually, I went from lowly minion... to KING!
Mario: Huh. Interesting. So, how long have you known the Goomba Bros?
Goomboss: They are actually my distant cousins. I didn't meet them until after I became king.
Mario: What?! So... They could have addressed you as Cousin Goomboss?
Goomboss: Pah! They know better than to disrespect my royalty by calling me any name that doesn't include "highness", "royal", or "king"! Or, just my name.
Mario: Your name meaning Goomboss?
Goomboss: Yes.
Mario: So, Cousin Goomboss WOULD work?
Goomboss: ... Shut up.
Blue Goomba (from seat 55): Hi, Cousin Goomboss!
Goomboss: ... Hi. Go away.
Mario: That's disturbing. Why did Bowser entrust you with a Power Star?
Goomboss: Between you and me...
(The audience stares at Goomboss. The cameraman does as well.)
Goomboss: Okay, between you, the audience, everybody who's watching on TV, and me, Bowser and I are poker buddies. He plays the cards while I walk around the table and secretly tell him what everybody else has.
Mario: Yeah. Great reason to give someone a sacred treasure.
Goomboss: Sacred? There's 362 of them!
Mario: In the whole world.
Goomboss: Okay, whatever.
Mario: So, is Goomboss your real name?
Goomboss: Er, um, well... It is simply my title as the king of Goombas.
Mario: Really? Theeeeeen what's your real name?!
Goomboss: Well, that would be... THIS INTERVIEW'S OVER!
(Goomboss rushes to the door, but Mario whistles and the guards come, assisted by more Sledge Bros. They carry Goomboss back to his seat. He is immediately belted in.)
Mario: Now, what's your name?!
Goomboss: Okay, fine! It's... it's... it's...
Mario: Your name is "it's it's"?
Goomboss: No, you incompetent Italian fool! My name is Leslie!
(The audience stares in amazement. Mario's mouth is agape.)
Mario: ... I... see...
(A "TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES" sign appears onscreen, and laughing is heard in the background. After ten minutes, the laughter dies down, and the sign disappears.)
Mario: All right, all right. How'd you get stuck in that tree at the end of Paper Mario?
Goomboss: There were some yummy Goomnuts in there!
Mario: So I guess you're fond of Goomnuts.
Goomboss: You bet! They may be able to hurt my head when the tree they grow from is whacked by an abnormally large hammer and I'm standing right under it like some bumbling buffoon, but that doesn't excuse me from the old saying, "No living (or dead) Goomba can resist a Goomnut or two."
Mario: And you just... fell out?
Goomboss: I used my amazing shimmy-shammy abilities to wiggle out.
Mario: Okay. While I try to get that image out of my head, let's go to audience questions.
(Mario begins bashing himself on the head with his microphone, leaving Goomboss to call audience members.)
Goomboss: Seat 64.
Koopa the Quick: How do you grow so big when you get angry?
Goomboss: It's not just when I'm angry, y'know.
Koopa the Quick: But-
Goomboss: What, you think I get angry just because I turn red?!
Koopa the Quick: Well-
Goomboss: I'll have you know that I happen to be very fond of the color red, thanks! I guess I can't change my skintone to it without people thinking "oh no, he's angry!"
Koopa the Quick: Okay. But that doesn't answer my question.
Goomboss: Oh yeah. Well, when I was made king, I was bopped on the head with a magic scepter. It gave me lots of abilities in case of emergencies, such as growing up to five times my size!
Koopa the Quick: So, what's with the turning red?
Goomboss: I told you... I LIKE RED! Oh, and it also came with the magic scepter powers. Now, seat 55.
Blue Goomba: Hi, Cousin Goomboss!
Goomboss: ... Hi. Seat 4.
Fire Bro: I thought Bowser made you king so that you'd help him.
Goomboss: Oh, that story's baloney! We tell it so that people never know how it really happened, because it's really a conspiracy. Seat 42.
Crystal King: You do realize you've exposed this conspiracy on kingdom-wide television, correct?
Goomboss: Don't make me hurt you. Seat 23.
Pink Yoshi: Red and white-striped pants? Puleeze!
Goomboss: DOES ANYONE HAVE AN ACTUAL QUESTION?!
(Everybody puts their hand down.)
Goomboss: Yeah, that's great.
(Lemmy flies into what is left of the doorway in his Clown Copter Junior.)
Lemmy: Mario!
(Mario stops bashing his head and turns to Lemmy.)
Mario: You rang?
Lemmy: No, I called your name. There was no ringing. Anyway, there's a fire in the Sports Hall, so everybody has to evacuate the Land.
Mario: Oh, great. Everybody stay calm, evacuate in a calm orde-
(The audience is empty.)
Mario: Yeah. Anyway, due to emergency procedures, this Interview will have to stop early.
Goomboss: Can I say it?!
Mario: No, I'm the interviewer, I have to.
Goomboss: But I want to! Oh, please lemme say it!
Mario: *sigh* Fine.
Goomboss: Yay! End Transmission!
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