One day, Bowser is sitting in his castle, listening to Larry screaming in pain while being beaten into a pulp by Roy, when Bowser thinks of an idea. It was brilliant! Bowser runs to his drawing board and begins crafting the plan… It was incredible. After nearly a month of work, the plan is finished- Capture Peach! And so, Bowser sets off, but-
Ludwig: King Dad, where are you going? I want to show you my invention.
Bowser: I’m busy! I’m going to capture Peach and bring her back. Then you can show me your invention. I’ll die happy.
Ludwig: But you gotta see it now-
Bowser: I was kidding about even seeing it in the first place! Get out of my sight!
Ludwig: But… I…
Bowser stomps off, through the castle’s front doors.
Bowser: Now then, grab an airship, and-
Kamek: Sir! Sir!
Bowser: *SIGH* What?
Kamek: Someone blew up the airships!
Bowser: Someone… what?
Kamek: They BLEW UP the airships! Nobody can go anywhere!
Bowser: I- But- What- FINE! I’ll take the Clown-
Kamek: Uh… We’re still not done cleaning that after Peach… puked… in-
Bowser: RARRGH! All right! I’ll just… walk.
Kamek: Wait, sir, one airship survived… It’s burned, but if you wait for a day, we might be able to fix it…
Bowser: NO! Do you think I can wait all day? I’m leaving!
Bowser begins his incredible adventure. After walking through deserts, forests, and across a mountain, Bowser is about a quarter of the way to the Mushroom Kingdom. He has been traveling for 5 months.
Bowser: (looking at a torn map.) Oh COME ON! I’m… I’m not even halfway there?
Bowser continues walking through the massive world. 14 months later…
Bowser: Oh… just another month, and-
A massive airship flies down. Kamek pops out.
Kamek: Sir! I’ve been looking everywhere for you!
Bowser: What…?
Kamek: Um, King Bowser sir, just a day after you left… we fixed an airship. We’ve been trying to… um, find you, for uh… 14 months…
Bowser: Gurrrghhhh… Just… be quiet.
Kamek: I-
Bowser: SHUT UPPP!
Bowser knocks Kamek out of the way and climbs onto the airship. Kamek comes back on, now with a large bruise, and flies the airship to Peach’s Castle. Kamek starts to land-
Bowser: DON’T LAND! There are Toads down there… They have phones… OBVIOUSLY to alert Mario… You have to drop me off on the roof…
Kamek: Okay, well, um, we can’t drop the airship any lower, or the Toads will see us, so…
Soon Bowser finds himself in a very tight barrel. Kamek seals the top.
Kamek: Okay. We just need to drop you…
Bowser: Remind me why I trusted this idea?
Kamek: Because it’s the only way…
Bowser: Blehh…
Kamek: Now, I’m going to… er… actually… (Maybe I shouldn’t tell him…)
Bowser: Yes?
Kamek: Um… Goodbye.
Kamek opens a hatch, and kicks the barrel out. Bowser’s loud swearing is heard for a whole ten seconds after the barrel is kicked out. Bowser’s barrel falls straight towards the castle… and crashes through a window. It then crashes though a wooden floor, right into the basement kitchen. The barrel ends up among a group of barrels… all containing food.
Bowser: Wow… This barrel didn’t break… Whatever, I need to get out… Urgh!
Bowser is stuck in the barrel. Bowser’s swearing starts again. The only thing the wild shaking accomplishes is knocking over the barrel. Bowser continues to struggle… until he hears a Toad coming… maybe with a phone. Bowser stops.
Terry: Hum de dum… What shall I make for lun- What the? An unmarked barrel? Better call the Head Chef.
Terry calls the Head Chef on his phone.
Terry: Hey… We got an unmarked barrel down here.
Head Chef: Eh, knack et ento the trash comprissor!
Terry: You don’t want to check- *muffled shouting noise* Okay! Okay!
Terry attempts to pick up the barrel… but it is WAY too heavy.
Terry: Dang! Better call the team!
“The Team”, a group of Toads, still can’t pick it up. Terry then calls… Mario and Luigi.
Terry: Hey Mario… We need help with a barrel over here, and- What do you mean you’re busy?! You’re sending Wario? But- Oh, whatever.
Wario arrives. He picks up the barrel with a grunt, and starts walking. The Toads stay away as Wario burps loudly… right into the barrel. Bowser feels like he’s going to puke. However, with a violent thud, Bowser in his barrel is thrown into the trash compactor… The door shuts behind him. Pitch blackness surrounds him.)
Bowser: Ugh… That was disgusting. Now, I need to get out…
Bowser struggles and struggles… He struggles until every muscle in his body strains, and then the boards break… one smacking him right into the face. Bowser shouts loudly… and falls into a pile of some kind of rotting, sticky substance. Outside, Terry, who was about to press the compactor button, starts to open the door to find the origin of the noise. Bowser groans… and crawls into the sticky fluid, and hides in it. Terry opens the door, shrugs his shoulders, and shuts the door, pressing the compactor button… and then walking away. Bowser jumps out of the trash, shaking his body, but the stuff won’t come off. Bowser growls, and starts to walk-
Bowser: What… is that noise?
A loud, crunching noise has started coming from the sides of the compactor room… Oh, right; it’s the compactor compacting the trash into one, eco-friendly cube. Not so friendly for Bowser, however, who quickly figures out what the noise is.
Bowser: Oh come on! Urgh!
Bowser crawls through the trash towards the door, the sticky substance holding him down. He crawls through what feels like rotting Mushrooms… a Koopa shell… a shattered ? Block… and, most disturbing of all, what feels like a Koopa skull. Bowser finally makes it to the end and crashes through the door, right as the two sides slam together. Bowser gets up, some of the pieces of trash falling off him but most stuck on by the sticky liquid.)
Bowser: *mumble-grumble*
Bowser walks into the strangely empty front hall, goes up the stairs, and stomps past some strange pictures. Bowser climbs all the way up some more stairs, right into Peach’s room. There is Peach sitting on her bed.
Bowser: Bwa ha ha! It’s over; I’ve come to capture you, Princess!
Peach: OH NO! *snort* Where are you going to take me?
Bowser: To my incredible Koopa Kastle, of course!
Peach: You mean mine?
Bowser: What are you playing at?
Peach: I mean, wherever you’ve been for the last 14 months, we’ve managed to takeover “your” Koopa Kingdom.
Bowser: URGH- What?
Peach: Ignorance isn’t bliss after all, eh?
Bowser: I- Shut up! I-
Peach: Oh, hi Mario! Hi Luigi! Could you take care of this nuisance for me! I’ll bake you a cheesecake!
Mario: Mamamia! A cheesecake! Here I come, Bowser!
Bowser: No! NO! You-
Bowser is beaten once again…
Three days later, Bowser wakes up in a jail with the Koopalings. Larry is still being pounded by Roy. Ludwig is glaring at Bowser. Bowser growls.
Bowser: What’s your problem?
Ludwig: My invention. My invention was a warp pipe to Peach! We could have instantly warped Peach here… I mean there, any time! You stupid-
Bowser blows fire on Ludwig, and accidentally hits Wendy too, melting her mascara. She begins crying. Ludwig sits down and sulks. Bowser begins a good old-fashioned temper tantrum. He already feels a little better.
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