Once again, the Angry Sun is alone inside a studio.
Angry Sun: NO, YOU NIMRODS, I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS AGAIN! I mean, we're using a dead guy as the cameraman, for pete's sake!
The cameraman, instead of a Dry Bones or Boo, is just some guy's burnt corpse.
Angry Sun: Fine, I'll do it... I bet you're wondering how I can come back so fast. Well, first of all it's because we have a dead guy as the cameraman. Second, it's because the game I'm reviewing today is total trash. That's right, boys and girls, I'm reviewing Luigi's Mansion, the first huge piece of garbage that Nintendo packed in their little purple lunchbox they call the GameCube. Of course, it's more likely than not that you'll get food poisoning from sampling Luigi's Mansion rather than an average meal that you can pretend to like but then complain to your mom that her leftover moldy meatloaf is getting old.
Cameraman: ...
Angry Sun: Luigi's Mansion tries to do a lot of new and original things but generally falls right on its DAD-forsaken nose doing it. They try to make an original story, with it being inside a house where ghosts and bats and possessed sewage pipes try to knock you out and with Plumberous Wettus being the main character instead of Generic Hero Number One. However, the story soon turns like every other game, in which someone gets kidnapped and your respective sentient meatball man has to save him or her from something five times his size. But, what separates this game storywise is that Princess Peach is still doing her nails and Mario gets kidnapped instead. This may seem witty, but the plot is really no different than Mario is Missing, sans the fact that Yoshi has been replaced by a strange old man who has apparently gone insane due to the game's overly-reptetitive music track. And, just like Mario is Missing, Luigi's Mansion is the perfect gift to give to your ex-girlfriend who threw freezing water in your face.
Angry Sun holds up a sign that says "Call me Kalina".
Angry Sun: Anyway, Luigi's Mansion doesn't play like a traditional Mario platformer, the bland turn-based battles of the Paper Mario series, or that combo of head-stomping and HP that I called Super Paper Mario last week. Nope, Luigi's Mansion is a lot like that wreched movie Ghostbusters, only less demonic. That's a point off for me, since seeing Luigi getting eaten by demons is a huge plus at any point. We have that awful control where "Up is down and down is up" that I can only imagine would be used in, say, awful games involving animals that hijack spaceships to eradicate the universe of all turtles and monkeys.
Cameraman: ...
Angry Sun: Obviously, the development team was seeing pretty colors from overeating their Mushrooms or whatever it is they do at that office when they sloppily put together the rest of the controls. Your default control method makes Luigi not able to turn around when he moves up or down unless I turn the C-Stick, which when I push it down slightly makes Luigi point his weapon of choice for hunting ghosts, a vaccum cleaner from the 1960's, up. This ends in Luigi getting hit by a ghost and into another ghost until he slips on a banana peel and falls out the window to his horrible, bloody death. Fortunately, the one non-hippy on the development team put in a secondary control option much like all other 3D games that can be changed by going to the pause menu. That's good, because I spent an hour trying to figure out how to beat the first orange ghost while it easily beat the plumber to a pulp. However, that's not to say that I didn't have troubles with some of the later ghosts. For example, the first boss of the game is some possessed baby who was born as a ghost regardless of there not being a zombie stork or something. In order to even get to hurting the boss, you have to pick up a ball and throw it at him with absolutely no hints at all. Well, you could probably get a hint if you take the time to look in some dumb machine before the baby beats the snot out of you with his rattle. Again, that's mission impossible right there.
Cameraman: ...
Angry Sun: But it gets even worse. Then you must shoot the ball at the baby, trying to figure out why in the world Luigi is shooting the ball at the floor. Oh yeah, it's because Luigi's retarded and thinks down is up and up is snowcones. All the while you must avoid evil teddy bears who apparently burn you with their cuteness or have flesh-eating beatles inside. And THEN, after beating up the baby with his own ball, he calls you a meanie and the REAL boss battle begins. While not quite as dumb, many of the other ghosts had overly-complex and downright annoying methods to get the battle to start. I'd say that capturing ghosts, the main objective of this game, is about as fun as playing Mario Party 3000 for the seventeenth time while flesh-eating beatles tear you apart. In fact, I would've actually liked Luigi's Mansion to spew out flesh-eating beatles on me, or sun-eating since that may be the case with me, so that I could forever avoid its horridness.
Cameraman: ...
Angry Sun: There's also a huge issue with the music. Basically, you hear the same song over and over again until it feels like Monty Moles are planting a time bomb in your brain that'll set off when you hear a good tune, along with the drilling and scraping it takes to crack your thick skull. Also, it seems that the idiot professor can only say "yabbo-yabbo", which made me want to burn the game disc. In fact, I did, and it took me exactly 65 trips to Blockbuster and back in order to actually finish the game. Sadly, I did all of those trips in one day. The game is extremely short, only having four real "worlds" and one of them being basically a tutorial with that baby from The Underwhere at the end to chop your head off. And, throughout all of them, the only thing that kept me going was the hope that the game would get better. Unfortunately, it didn't, as Luigi had been beheaded by axes, eaten by jars, frozen, suffocated by music sheets, gagged and shot by cork guns, and mercilously trampled for two straight hours before I finally reached the light at the end of the tunnel of death.
Cameraman: ...
Angry Sun: Apparently there's some sort of love shrine for Bowser in every game maker's office and they tend to shove the Koopa King in every Mario game in existance, except for the ones made by Gunpei Yokoi, but they took care of him. In this one, however, they decide to make Bowser dead, or "soundly defeated", or still trying to recover from his last 2,000 deaths in a rehab clinic. Fits perfectly in a game about ghosts. Well, first of all, he's only mentioned once before the ending, and the big twist is, it's just a robot built by King Boo. However, this apparently warrants me wanting to get the game more because the King of Guys Who Talk to Posters and Getting Beat by Mutated Itallian Meatmen appears And this really ticks me off, because Nintendo has enough money to buy out Switzerland at this point, and they're just cashing in for more by saying "ZOMG! BOWSER'Z IN!". But, the worst part is what does the most damage of Bowser's attacks. He's five times the size of Luigi, yet his fire breath, giant feet, giant claws, and the insides of his stomach (no doubt crawling with brain-eating Peach posters and fans) aren't his most powerful attack. No, his most powerful attack is accidently swatting Luigi in the face with his tail. At this part of the game I was sick of playing, so I got some random Buster Beetle to do it for me. As it turns out, he kept getting swatted by the tail he thought he was supposed to swing, got mad at the game, threw the controller at my television, threw the television out my fourth-story appartment building, threw me at it, and shot at it with a gun several times before he vented out his anger. Obviously, GAMES THAT AREN'T AWFUL DON'T MAKE YOU DO THAT!
Cameraman: ...
Angry Sun: It also seems that everyone in the game has been replaced by brainless zombies. Every time I press the A button, Luigi just starts screaming "MARIOOOOO!!!" like someone just shot him and he needs an ambulence. Of course, by less than halfway through the game, he knows exactly where Mario is. When I got to the end of the game, Luigi still screamed looking for his mutant meatball of a brother, right in front of his face. Obivously, the guy has problems that the game even mocks him for. Luigi can't ever leave the mansion until he beats a boss or decides to be smart and jump off the roof so he doesn't have to go through any more of this awful game; yet he can open every other door in the mansion. Enemies are also thick as a brick. Every time Luigi sucks up a ghost in his vacuum, another randomly appears and tries to beat him in the exact same way. Eventually, you beat up everyone in the "line of people to beat up Luigi" for that room, continue to the next room, and do the same thing over again. Honestly, it's like the ghosts WANT to be sucked up so that they don't have to live in this disgusting mansion anymore. It's like the Glum Reaper whacked them all and sucked out any fun in the game... or maybe that was just the whole vacuum that sucked the fun out in the first place.
Cameraman: ...
Angry Sun: Overall, though, Luigi's Mansion isn't a bad game. It's an awful game that actually made me begin to hate the fact that Luigi blows up the moon in this game and yet he still looks at it from the balcony and actually WALKS to it. Cleary someone over in level design has been smoking something that's apparently working well to keep them from realizing how awful this game ended up. You have some green blob going around from brown room to other brown room to revenge of the brown room to bathroom to drown out the game's shame. This is further complimented by many boring doors and "here's my weak spot, please kill me now" enemies. Though this is the part of the review where I'd most likely suggest this game to the four and a half monkeys that like this dumb plumber, I gave the game to five Luigi fans at the "Nintendo Forgot About Me Even Though I Was an Awesome Character and Piantas Deserve to be Voilently Beheaded Club", and they all had similar reactions to Buster Beetle, many involving something to do with a bathroom and shock cables. I dunno, there were corpses in my bathroom by the time it was over or something. I might suggest you give it to your ex-girlfriend that you hate or to a squirrel, if only to see how both start twitching uncontrollably and try to escape an enclosed room while the game plays. The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man at the end of Ghostbusters would probably like to take Luigi's Mansion and throw it off a cliff for disgracing the name of the completely average movie.
Cameraman: ...
Angry Sun: THIS IS NO FUN WHEN PEOPLE DON'T COMPLAIN!
Cameraman: ...
Angry Sun: That may be, but it's still pathetic.
Cameraman: ...
Angry Sun: NO IT'S NOT BECAUSE THE FORGOTTEN CHARACTERS CLUB NO LONGER ACCEPTS ME! Stupid Mario Kart DS... Stupid Nintendo. It's all their fault!
Cameraman: ...
Angry Sun: ARG! I CAN'T TAKE THESE WORKING CONDITIONS!
Angry Sun just burns up the camera as he goes on a rampage, destroying stuff.
The End
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