Dark Koopa: Today I interview Mario, so anyone with a weak stomach should leave. Goodbye!

(Dark Koopa starts to leave.)

Susan: You might want to do the Interview first.

Dark Koopa: Fine.

Mario: I'm-a Mario!

(Mario starts running around with his arms out, pretending to be a super hero.)

Dark Koopa: Sit down!

(Mario sits on the floor.)

Dark Koopa: In the chair!

(Mario sits on Dark Koopa.)

Dark Koopa: The interviewee chair!

(Mario starts moonwalking.)

Mario: Chamon!

Dark Koopa: This is going to be long and painful.

(Mario takes off his glove and smacks Dark Koopa with it.)

Mario: I challenge you to a duel!

Dark Koopa: Okay.

(Dark Koopa blasts Mario with a cannon.)

Susan: You didn't kill him, did you?

Dark Koopa: No, I hit him in the head.

Mario: Mmm. Meatballs.

Dark Koopa: How did your feud with the Koopas begin?

Mario: Do you know what that cloud looks like? Rain.

(Dark Koopa conks Mario in the head with a pickle jar.)

Mario: That's better. To answer your question, Kamek started the feud. He tried to kill me when I was a baby. Something about me preventing the Koopas from taking over the Mushroom Kingdom in the future or something. I don't know. I wasn't really listening.

Dark Koopa: Hmm. It seems a blow to the head gives Mario a small jolt of intellect.

Mario: Pillows are made of hamburger meat!

Dark Koopa: That didn't last long.

Mario: Are you brave enough to laugh at death?

Dark Koopa: Yes. Hahahaha!

Death: That was completely uncalled for.

Dark Koopa: Why do you wear red? *conk*

Mario: They're my plumber clothes. The reason I still wear them is to tell me apart from those other plumbers. You have to be easy to recognize when you're famous.

Dark Koopa: How did you get to Plit?

Mario: I was accidentally sucked down the drain of a shower when I was a baby. Oddly enough, the drain was a warp pipe which led to Plit.

Dark Koopa: Why do you wear those boots?

(The pickle jar breaks over Mario's head.)

Dark Koopa: Oh no.

Mario: My boots are what allow my amazing jumping abilities. If I didn't have them, I wouldn't be able to jump very well.

(Mario returns to his stupid state.)

Dark Koopa: I need a new jar.

Mario: I want some elbow macaroni!

(Mario bites Dark Koopa's arm.)

Mario: Mmm. Elbow.

Dark Koopa: AHH! Get it off me!

(Dark Koopa starts running around and flailing his arms, trying to dislodge Mario.)

Dark Koopa: Do something, Pink.

Pink: Okay.

(Pink freezes Mario.)

Dark Koopa: I didn't know you could freeze people.

Pink: There's a lot you don't know about me.

Dark Koopa: Like what?

Pink: I'm a Yoshi.

Dark Koopa: Actually, I knew that.

Pink: Oh.

Dark Koopa: Oh great. Now what am I going to do until he thaws?

Pink: I got it!

(Pink freezes Dark Koopa.)

Pink: The rest of you find something to do until they thaw.

Susan: Read this speech, Morton.

Morton: Okay.

(By the time the speech is over, everyone except Susan, who is immune to Morton's mouth, is either dead or sobbing uncontrollably.)

Pink: I don't have ears.

Susan: Then how can you hear us?

Pink: What?

Susan: HOW CAN YOU HEAR US?!

Pink: I can hear you. You don't have to yell. But do repeat what you just said.

(Mario and Dark Koopa thaw.)

Dark Koopa: Do it right this time.

(Pink freezes Mario.)

Pink: Oops.

Dark Koopa: Ugh.

One Morton speech later...

Dark Koopa: Okay. I got another pickle jar.

Pink: I'm gonna go to the Batcave and see what Albert wants.

Dark Koopa: Right. Why didn't you use power-ups in recent games?

Mario: They weren't available to me at the time. Most of them were gone after Mario World. I used too many.

Lemmy: Lemmy's Interview Show!

Dark Koopa: That came out of left field. Do you like Peach?

Mario: Believe it or not, we're just friends.

Dark Koopa: Do you like peaches?

Mario: That was a stupid question and believe me, I know stupid.

Dark Koopa: How did you become a doctor?

Mario: By finding the cure to the common cold.

Dark Koopa: Really? What is it?

Mario: Whisper whisper.

Dark Koopa: Why are you saying whisper?

Mario: Just ask the next question.

Dark Koopa: Do you still use FLUDD?

Mario: Nope.

Dark Koopa: Why?

Mario: I got hungry and I ate it.

Dark Koopa: Time for audience questions. Seat 26.

Wendy: What is your relationship with Wario?

Mario: We aren't related in any way other than being rivals.

Dark Koopa: Seat 1.

Wart: I am the great Wart!

Dark Koopa: Moron. Seat 6.

Al Gore: I inven-

Dark Koopa: Seat 88.

???: How do you feel about Luigi?

Mario: Who?

Dark Koopa: My point exactly.

(??? reveals himself to be Luigi.)

Dark Koopa: Who?

(LUIGI!)

Dark Koopa: Oh. Who?

Luigi: Luigi!

Audience: Who?

Luigi: ARGH!

(Luigi stomps out of the studio.)

Dark Koopa: Who did?

(Shut up!)

Mario: Out of seriousness, I appreciate Luigi's help, but I don't really want him around.

Dark Koopa: Seat 409.

Bowser: What's your weakness?

Mario: Getting hit in the stomach.

(Everyone takes out notebooks and starts writing in them.)

Dark Koopa: Seat 217.

Ludwig: Why is your IQ so below average?

Mario: I used to be hit in the head a lot. Apparently, it temporarily made me smarter.

Dark Koopa: Uh...

(Pink drives inside the studio with the Batmobile.)

Pink: I have just defeated The Joker.

Dark Koopa: Who cares?

(Pink freezes Mario.)

Dark Koopa: Again? That's it. You're doing the next Interview.

Pink: Fine with me.

Dark Koopa: End transmission.