(The opening scene is a white castle with pointed red roofs, but we won't be here too long. A screaming cake is thrown onto an airship, which flies off, pursued by two Italian gentlemen and two fungi. As the Mario Bros. and two random Toads pursue the airship, Mario manages to grab a Fire Flower. It is at this moment that an unlucky Koopa manages to get in Mario's way, and is fed the ultimate spicy meatball for his troubles.)
Unlucky Koopa: Ow-ow-ow-ow-hot! Hey... Wait! I'm alive! I knew my lucky socks wouldn't fail me! Wait 'til the guys at home hear about this!
(It is at this point that an indistinct figure is suddenly rather clear. While initially appearing to be a mere Dry Bones with a black robe, it is actually much more. This turtle is a supernatural figure, ancient as the species of Koopas itself. The Death of Koopas, it "lives" to make sure that when life ends, the spirit is escorted to its proper final resting place. And now, with the vocal equivalent of a funeral bell, it has something to say.)
Death of Koopas: Ahem.
Unlucky Koopa: What's a Dry Bones doing out of a fort?
Death of Koopas: I am no mere Dry Bones. And I am afraid that your socks were not, in fact, successful, nor particularly lucky.
Unlucky Koopa: What do you-
(Death of Koopas points with his scythe at a coin, left over from the unlucky Koopa's encounter with a fireball)
Unlucky Koopa: Oh... I see.
Death of Koopas: How do you do that, anyway?
Unlucky Koopa: Do what?
Death of Koopas: That thing where you turn into a coin when you get hit by a fireball.
Unlucky Koopa: We... don't. Koopas are just really easily burnt. I mean, dang, we burn like... uh... something that burns really easily! Like dry grasses, and wood, and paper and stuff! It's just that Koopas normally keep some emergency money on themselves, which is left behind after our bodies have been reduced to ashes.
Death of Koopas: How interesting. But you are not so easily crushed.
Unlucky Koopa: Well, we're no Goombas, that's for sure.
Death of Koopas: Yet you still retreat into your shells. Hardly an effective battle strategy, especially since you're light enough to be punted into your comrades.
Unlucky Koopa: Listen, you see a guy who's roughly five feet tall leap about twenty or more feet into the air and watch the shadow move right at you, and you're scared. When you feel his boots make contact with your skull... instinct tends to takeover at that point.
Death of Koopas: Yes. Unnatural jumping prowess with such a portly figure, that would indeed terrify a soul. And yet, I cannot help but wonder why you allow yourselves to be punted.
Unlucky Koopa: When you get that scared, few people are going to resist when someone goes to boot you like that.
Death of Koopas: I will have to take your word for it. I have not been placed in such a position of common sense-shattering terror. But, I must persist in my train of thought. You're terrified into your shell, and thus aren't capable of resisting the initial kick. Why, when you can feel your allies being taken out by your momentum, do you not climb out?
Unlucky Koopa: Why the third degree? Is this all the afterlife is? An interrogation?
Death of Koopas: I'm merely curious.
Unlucky Koopa: Sorry, I'm just a little stressed right now.
Death of Koopas: Don't be. I find that the concerns of most of my... clients don't matter much longer after this point.
Unlucky Koopa: *slowly thinks it over* Huh, I suppose so. Anyway, it's kind of hard to do anything after a punt like that. We tend to go into a spin and, with all of the collisions and the spinning, we get so dizzy and abused that it's hard to focus very much on anything.
Death of Koopas: I suppose I can see that happening. But that just raises more questions. How are you light enough to be kicked, yet heavy enough to damage your allies?
Unlucky Koopa: Oh, we're really not that heavy. It's just the toughness of our shells, combined with the slipperiness of our bellies, that makes us move very fast and hurt a great deal upon impact.
Death of Koopas: Why would the species evolve such an easily exploitable weakness?
Unlucky Koopa: Well, now let's be fair. Our military tactic of sending a lot of Koopas to one place isn't exactly natural. Naturally, we fight in small groups of about four or less. In those situations, we're more capable of fighting like we were meant to.
Death of Koopas: Which is?
Unlucky Koopa: You know, for our Grim Reaper, you don't know a lot about us.
Death of Koopas: Not many dead Koopas try to fight me. They normally recognize I'm not to blame for their death.
Unlucky Koopa: Fair enough. Anyway, normally we try to fight by going into our shell and shooting ourselves at the enemy. But when it's such a chaotic mob, there's too big a risk that we might hit our allies to even attempt it.
Death of Koopas: Speaking of tactics, I've noticed that many green-shelled ones like yourself walk right off the edge of many pits. Why do you do this?
Unlucky Koopa: The shell color's a uniform thing. The green-shelled ones are scouts, and standing orders are to explore every inch of land. I mean, it's not like there's really any such thing as bottomless pits.
Death of Koopas: Yes... well, really, the pits are mostly deep enough as to make no difference. I mean, how do you think I was aware of the green shelled Koopas’ tendency?
Unlucky Koopa: Oh...
Death of Koopas: You'd think you guys would stop after you've lost enough.
Unlucky Koopa: Well, I guess we thought that they just found a lot of land to explore and could use some help.
Death of Koopas: I can't wait to meet the Koopa in charge of this mess. I have... questions... and comments... maybe even some complaints. Just one more question.
Unlucky Koopa: Yes?
Death of Koopas: Back when I first noticed the men in red and green near the deaths of many Koopas, you walked on four legs for a time. Why is it?
Unlucky Koopa: Prototype shells. The idea was they were armored so that we Koopas would be even harder to defeat. We walked on all fours to make the most use of armor. But still, instinct is instinct, and when Mario began fighting against us, the extra armor was useless, so we ditched it after a while.
Death of Koopas: Thank you. This has been rather... informative.
Unlucky Koopa: So... what happens now?
Death of Koopas: It's up to you. It depends on what type of life you've led. I'm not in charge of that sort of thing.
(Death of Koopas taps his scythe on the ground and a black door, much like the ones leading to boss fights in the various Mario games, appears next to the specter and the Unlucky Koopa.)
Death of Koopas: But normally, you go through that door first.
Unlucky Koopa: Oh... Thanks.
(He opens the door, then turns back to the Death of Koopas.)
Unlucky Koopa: I guess I'll... uh... see you later, then.
(He closes the door behind him, and the door disappears.)
Death of Koopas: I highly doubt it.
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