PlayStop

SUSAN interviews MORTON
 
By Dark Koopa

Susan: Aha! I have one more Interview in my contract and I want it now.

Dark Koopa: Fine. Whatever. I'm out of here.

(Dark Koopa leaves the room, looking sort of depressed.)

Thumbs: What's wrong with him?

Pink: I don't know.

Thumbs: Let's go cheer him up.

Pink: Okay.

Susan: Today I interview Morton. First question: Do you like me?

Morton: No, yes, of course not, maybe, no way, possibly, there's a chance.

Susan: Answer that question.

Morton: Yes. I do. I guess it's because you're pretty.

Susan: I am, aren't I? Too bad Larry's the only one for me. Why do you talk so much?

Morton: Because I was ignored when I was born. All my parents cared about was Wendy. Wendy Wendy Wendy. So I talked all the time to get attention. Now I can't stop even if I try.

Susan: Why are you so big for your age?

Morton: I like to eat a lot. I'll eat just about anything but my favorite food is-

Susan: Wedding cake?

Morton: Um, no. I'm over that whole wedding cake nonsense. My favorite food is cheeseburgers.

Susan: Why couldn't you shake the floor like Roy and Ludwig in Mario 3?

Morton: CHEESEBURGERS!

Susan: Uhh...

Morton: Sorry. Bad habit, problem- Err... The reason is because I didn't have a lot of strength to go with my size. However, by Mario World I got strong enough to shake the floor.

Susan: How were you able to walk on the walls in Mario World?

Morton: I had rolls of duct tape on my feet.

***

Thumbs: What's the matter?

Dark Koopa: I just have a lot to think about right now.

Thumbs: Well we're going to cheer you up.

Dark Koopa: You don't have to do that.

Pink: But we insist. Here's some soup.

Thumbs: I made soup too.

(Pink looks suspiciously at Thumbs.)

Dark Koopa: I don't want any soup.

Pink: How about some pie? Everyone loves pie.

(Pink takes out a pie, and so does Thumbs.)

Dark Koopa: I'm not hungry.

Pink: Well, I've prepared a song for you.

(Pink takes out a guitar.)

Dark Koopa: Please don't. I just want to be alone.
 

Pink: (singing)
Oh, Jimmy cracked corn and I don't care
Jimmy cracked corn and I don't care
Jimmy cracked corn and I don't care...
I have a staff made of ice.

Thumbs: Can I borrow the guitar, Pink?

Pink: I guess.

Thumbs: (singing)
Kumbiyah, my lord. Kumbiyah
Kumbiyah-

(Pink takes the guitar and breaks it in half.)

Pink: Stop stealing my ideas!

Thumbs: I know what Dark needs. A good hug.

Pink: Yeah.

(Dark Koopa runs out of the room and down the halls, screaming.)

Pink: Good going.

Dark Koopa: Those two are insane!

***

Susan: Why are you such a darker color than your siblings?

Morton: Because I spend a lot of time in the sun and I got a tan from it. I got a castle in Desert Land, you know.

Susan: That's nice, but I don't care. Why are you nearly bald?

Morton: Roy ripped out most of my hair when I was younger. It never grew back.

Susan: Time for audience questions. But there's no audience.

Morton: Why?

Susan: Because this is Dark Koopa's studio.

Lemmy: Nuh uh! This is Lemmy's Interview Show!

Morton: Will you go out with me?

Susan: No. End transmission.

Lemmy: The plot thickens.

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