Dark Koopa: So who wants to go get my shell? Yes, we’re still in the Bitlands.
(Silence.)
Dark Koopa: I’ll give you aluminum foil.
(More silence.)
Dark Koopa: Come on. Raise your hand if you want to.
(Larry raises his hand.)
Larry: Wh-
Dark Koopa: I see we have a volunteer.
(Suspenseful music plays.)
Larry: Actually, I had a question.
Dark Koopa: Aww.
(Suspenseful music stops.)
Larry: Wh-
Dark Koopa: And why don’t you want to get my shell?
Larry: Lemmy specifically told me I can’t help you; only hinder you.
Dark Koopa: Luckily, I have an ace up my sleeve.
Larry: You don’t have sleeves.
(Dark Koopa catapults Larry into the Tile Pool.)
Larry: I could always swim out.
Dark Koopa: But then the plot wouldn’t progress.
Larry: True.
(Larry swims underwater.)
Dark Koopa: Now I need an interviewee.
(Suspenseful music plays.)
Dark Koopa: Um…
(A Blooper flies out of the water, falls on shore, and rolls drunkenly to Dark Koopa’s feet.)
Dark Koopa: I’m not sure I want to know.
(The Blooper sits up and starts laughing maniacally.)
Dark Koopa: Pura and Swooper already play the roles of the homicidal maniacs.
(The suspenseful music stops.)
Blooper: Darn, really?
Dark Koopa: Yep.
Blooper: But I don’t see either of them here.
Dark Koopa: Well, Pura was replaced by someone who can fit the role much better.
(The Yoshi can be seen picking flowers.)
Dark Koopa: And it’s past the Swooper’s bedtime.
Blooper: So can’t I be maniacal this one time?
Dark Koopa: Nope.
Blooper: Please?
Dark Koopa: Uh uh.
Blooper: I’ll give you a hug.
Dark Koopa: You’re practically the Swooper anyway.
Blooper: … Please?
Dark Koopa: No already. I’m going to ask you questions for money, and you are going to like it.
Blooper: Fine. Get it over with.
Dark Koopa: I shall, thank you. Now, how are you able to survive on land?
Blooper: We keep water stored in our bellies, sort of like camels, except they use humps. We have to refill a lot though, so we usually stay near water.
Dark Koopa: I noticed you spray ink. Why not do that underwater?
Blooper: Because it’ll break up in water, stupid.
(The suspenseful music starts up.)
Dark Koopa: What did you call me?!
Blooper: … Nothing.
(The suspenseful music stops.)
Dark Koopa: Oh, okay.
Blooper: Who keeps playing that music?
Dark Koopa: Probably Mr. L or something. Now, do all Bloopers work for Bowser?
Blooper: No. Hardly any do, actually. Most don’t have any allegiance and attack anyone.
Dark Koopa: What about those Bloopers in Sunshine that Mario surfed on?
Blooper: I guess those were trained Bloopers that are supposed to not attack anyone.
Dark Koopa: This also shows not all Bloopers are white, doesn’t it?
Blooper: Yep. Bloopers can be just about any color, but the majority are white.
***
Larry: Ah, there’s the shell. This is easy.
Cheep Cheep: How are you talking underwater?
Larry: I’m not sure.
(The suspenseful music starts up.)
Larry: Ooh, music. I wonder where it’s coming from.
(A large Cheep Cheep begins to speed toward Larry.)
Larry: Uh oh.
***
Blooper: Why do you have a soccer ball shell?
Dark Koopa: That’s a long story involving kidnappings, Cable TV, and Lemmy in a wedding dress.
(Wendy raises her hand from the audience.)
Wendy: It didn’t go at all that way.
Dark Koopa: You’re not replacing Larry, are you?
Wendy: Yes. Yes I am.
Dark Koopa: And Lemmy paid you, right?
Wendy: Yep.
Dark Koopa: I see where my paychecks have been going.
Blooper: Can I have the real story?
Dark Koopa: No.
Blooper: Aww. Well, can you at least turn off the suspenseful music?
Dark Koopa: No. It’s unfitting and amusing. Now, why does there seem to be so many big Bloopers?
Blooper: Like?
Dark Koopa: Gooper Blooper, Super Blooper, Electro Blooper, that big Blooper in Mario Party 3…
Blooper: Oh. Well, the bigger Bloopers are a lot older.
Dark Koopa: Then how come we don’t see them very often?
Blooper: Mario keeps killing them all.
Dark Koopa: I don’t think he’s killed that many.
Blooper: Well, Bloopers die a lot, and not just from Mario. But they’re also very plentiful. The really big Bloopers tend to get that big by avoiding, like, everything until they’re big enough. Most bigger Bloopers are lonely.
Dark Koopa: Let’s play some Hopscotch!
Blooper: … Okay.
Wendy: I wanna play!
Dark Koopa: Nope. Koopalings don’t get to play.
(Lemmy can be seen playing already.)
***
Larry: Heeeeeelp!
Cheep Cheep: What a pointless cutscene.
***
Lemmy: Ha, I win!
(Dark Koopa kicks Lemmy’s ball in the Tile Pool.)
Lemmy: Hey!
Dark Koopa: Using a ball is cheating!
Blooper: Doesn’t it make it harder?
Dark Koopa: Same thing. Besides, a ball can float.
Blooper: Can we please shut off the suspenseful music now?
Dark Koopa: Fine.
(Dark Koopa smashes the stereo next to Mr. L that is playing the suspenseful music.)
Mr. L: The Green Thunder does not appreciate this.
Blooper: I only said turn it off.
***
(The Cheep Cheep suddenly stops chasing Larry.)
Larry: Phew…
***
Dark Koopa: Now where was I? Oh yes. Why don’t you attack Cheep Cheeps?
Blooper: They bite pretty hard… It tends to not be worth it.
Dark Koopa: Why are you sometime referred to as Bloobers?
Blooper: I have no idea. Maybe it’s a regional thing. We do look somewhat different in different places. Maybe the people in that region changed our name a bit.
Wendy: I want the suspenseful music back.
Dark Koopa: You didn’t raise your hand.
Wendy: Oh, whoops.
(Wendy raises her hand.)
Wendy: I want the suspenseful music back.
Dark Koopa: Fine. Nameless Lakitu, get me some suspenseful music!
(The Lakitu can be seen sleeping again.)
Dark Koopa: Oh come on. Okay then. I shall get some… MYSELF!
(Three audience members clap as Dark Koopa runs off in a dramatic fashion.)
Lemmy: Guess I’ll ask for audience questions or something.
(Wendy raises her hand.)
Lemmy: Yes?
Wendy: Not necessary. I can provide all the entertainment.
Lemmy: Can you moonwalk?
Wendy: Not really.
Lemmy: Then you can’t. Seat 1.
(Mario starts moonwalking.)
Lemmy: Awesome. Mario, get me my ball.
Mario: Okey dokey.
(Mario jumps into the water and punches a shark.)
Lemmy: Didn’t know there were sharks in there. Seat 4.
Squig: Can your tentacles be ripped off?
Blooper: Ow… Yes they can. After a while, they grow back though, so it’s pretty pointless. Just painful.
Lemmy: Well, I’m bored.
Wendy: That was fast.
Lemmy: Silence. Seat 2, do the Macarena.
Mr. L: The Green Thunder refuses to do such a ridiculous dance.
(Lemmy blasts Mr. L with his wand. He turns back into Luigi and does the Macarena.)
Lemmy: Awesome.
Luigi: Heeeeey Macarena!
Lemmy: Seat 18.
Ember: How do you attack? Because the video game animation doesn’t show it.
Blooper: We either spit ink above water, or smack someone with a tentacle.
(Mario jumps out of the water with the ball.)
Mario: It’s-a me, Mario!
Lemmy: Yes yes, we know. Now give me my ball.
(Mario thinks it over a moment before hitting Lemmy in the head with his own ball.)
Lemmy: Ow!
Mario: Dodgeball!
Wendy: Hahaha! He gave you the ball all right.
Lemmy: You be quiet.
(Lemmy picks up his ball, and then throws it back at Mario, who ducks. The ball then rolls into the Tile Pool.)
Lemmy: Darn it. I’ll just call seat 14.
Jon Stewart: Hi.
Lemmy: …
Jon Stewart: Mr. Blooper, do you ever plan on having a role on land beyond an enemy? Like perhaps being a playable character in Mario Kart or Mario Party?
Blooper: Well, I am in Mario Party 8 thanks to them watering me down a lot, so it’s pretty likely I’ll appear more now. I’m rather surprised, to be honest.
Lemmy: (slowly) Joooooooooooooon Steeeeeeeeeeeeewart!
Jon Stewart: Yes?
Lemmy: I will terminate you!
Count Blacula: RANDOM DISTRACTION!
Lemmy: What was I doing again?
Dark Koopa: Yeah, back.
(Dark Koopa turns on the suspenseful music.)
Dark Koopa: So how do Bloopers open doors?
Blooper: Um, we don’t?
Dark Koopa: What if you have to?!
Blooper: Well, I guess we just wrap a tentacle around the knob and pull.
Dark Koopa: What if you’ve got to do something with your thumbs like they do in Mario Party?
Blooper: I don’t know, but I don’t think Yoshi, DK, Boo, or Birdo have thumbs either.
Thumbs: Someone call me?
Dark Koopa: Wait until Nintendo hears about this. You’ll disappear from games for-
(The Blooper vanishes.)
Dark Koopa: -ever. Huh. Guess that’s all for today.
Thumbs: Hey, you’re doing an Interview without me!
Dark Koopa: You’re supposed to be dead. Or at least a mannequin.
Thumbs: … I’m still getting paid, right?
Dark Koopa: Of course! Not.
***
(Larry can be seen taunting the Cheep Cheep.)
Larry: Nyeah!
(Larry can hear the suspenseful music start up.)
Larry: … Uh oh. Maybe saying end transmission will save me.
***
Dark Koopa: Nope.
***
Larry: Darn it.
Lemmy: (floating out to sea on his ball) TERMINATE YOU!
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