S. Koopa: Okay, so I got this brilliant idea.
Roger: What's that?
S. Koopa: You know how these Interviews keep following this dumb formula of a random little intro to waste the reader's time and make them think that the author actually has something interesting to write?
Roger: Um... No, not really.
S. Koopa: Well, he's done it every Interview.
Author: Honestly, stop making me write myself into these things, I don't like when I have to break the fourth wall.
S. Koopa: You're the one writing my dialogue, so that's not my problem.
Author: Shut up and follow my formula.
S. Koopa: See? I told you there was a formu-
(A sandbag falls on S. Koopa.)
S. Koopa: I swear, if this becomes a stupid little running gag like-
Wario: KILL YOU!!!
S. Koopa: ... I'm not going to even bother wasting my breath anymore.
Roger: Someone needs a hug.
S. Koopa: No, someone needs a sandbag lifted from his shell.
(Roger floats over to S. Koopa and pushes the sandbag off of him.)
S. Koopa: Thanks, Ro-
(Roger suddenly hugs S. Koopa.)
Roger: Hugs!
S. Koopa: ... Get your hands off of me. Right. Now.
(Roger quickly retracts and looks sad.)
S. Koopa: Just... go start up the camera so we can move onto the next part of this stupid formul-
(A rafter falls onto S. Koopa.)
S. Koopa: ... Really?
Author: Really.
S. Koopa: I hate you.
Author: That's nice, now go and start your Interview before this filler section becomes longer than the actual Interview.
(Roger pulls S. Koopa out from under the rafter and positions himself behind the camera, while S. Koopa takes his seat in the interviewer chair.)
Roger: Rolling.
S. Koopa: Hello everyone, and welcome to-
Lemmy: LEMMY'S INTERVIEW SHOW!!!
S. Koopa: I told you to stop doing that.
Lemmy: You tell me to do a lot of things; look how that's worked out for you.
S. Koopa: Ugh, whatever. Anyways, let's welcome our interviewee today, Luigi!
(Luigi walks onto the stage and takes a seat in the Interviewee Chair, waving.)
S. Koopa: Welcome, how's your day been so far?
Luigi: That's a strange Interview question.
S. Koopa: Actually that isn't an Interview question, I just wanted to start things off less bluntly.
Luigi: Oh, well it's been kinda dull up until now.
S. Koopa: I was hoping for a more interesting response, but oh well. As my first official question, how did you get yourself trapped in Ghostly Galaxy in Super Mario Galaxy?
Luigi: I was already at Princess Peach's Castle when the Star Festival began since the princess asked me to help setup the decorations in the castle. When Bowser took the castle into space, I was inside with the Toad Brigade and we all managed to escape the castle into outer space. We got lost and eventually separated, though. After that, I was taken captive by Bouldergeist.
S. Koopa: All right, but why did you start off in Mario's place in your own quest for the Comet Observatory's Power Stars and Grand Stars?
Luigi: That actually didn't happen. The events of Super Mario Galaxy are true up until the part in the game where I am a playable character.
S. Koopa: So, what you're saying is that your half of the game was just something that was added in the game and didn't actually occur?
Luigi: That's right.
S. Koopa: Well, I guess that clears up the whole deal with there being two of you in that half of the game. So, how can you jump so high?
Luigi: Well, Mario and I both have a superpowe-
S. Koopa: Oh, that's right. I forgot about your jumping being a so-called 'superpower'. Honestly, that's got to be the most disappointingly lame superpower ever.
Luigi: It is, but it’s better than nothing.
S. Koopa: True, true. Why are your fireballs green in some games and red in others?
Luigi: My fireballs are only green when I don't have a Fire Flower, meaning that they're weaker than the standard red ones.
S. Koopa: So you can throw fireballs without needing a Fire Flower?
Luigi: Yeah, so can Mario, but they're generally too weak to bother using, which is why Mario and I only use them when we're playing sports, racing, or taking part in other recreational activities, since they don't actually cause much harm to our friends.
S. Koopa: What do you do in your spare time, like when Mario is off on adventures?
Luigi: I usually stay home to keep things ready for when Mario returns, but I try to tag along whenever I can.
S. Koopa: That sounds really boring.
Luigi: It is, but I'll also go into Toad Town sometimes and try to keep up with the latest news.
S. Koopa: Like I said before, that sounds really boring.
Luigi: Well, what else am I supposed to do?
S. Koopa: I don't know. Get a hobby or something. Something that is at least mildly interesting. Do you even have any hobbies?
Luigi: Umm... No, not really.
S. Koopa: Sheesh, you're really boring. Did you know that? How about explaining your love for Skeleton Keys in Mario Party 2?
Luigi: Skeleton Keys are a strategic item that are always good to have on hand. What's not to like?
S. Koopa: I'm not accepting that as an answer.
Luigi: Why not?
S. Koopa: Because it's too much like you: Quick and dull.
Audience: Ohhh burrrn!
(Several sandbags fall on the audience.)
S. Koopa: Wow, I didn't see that coming, but I'm also happy to see that. That wasn't meant to be a burn, I just couldn't think of any other way to be blunt.
Luigi: Well, to be honest, I don't have much of a reason for liking them.
S. Koopa: All right, fine. Why is it that you've never used your Thunderhand powers outside of Mario & Luigi: Superstar Saga?
Luigi: The Thunderhand technique is something that only works in the Beanbean Kingdom for some reason. It probably has something to do with the altar that I touched being located there. Odds are that straying too far from it makes me unable to use it. In this case, 'too far' would mean anywhere outside of the kingdom.
S. Koopa: That's a shame, since I thought that was actually a really cool ability. What's the deal with you and Waluigi? Why the rivalry?
Luigi: Waluigi and I both have crushes on Princess Daisy, so I guess the rivalry is moreso a bit of a competition of sorts to win Daisy's heart.
S. Koopa: Well, how's that been working for you?
Luigi: Not very well, but I think Waluigi takes the rivalry a lot more seriously than I do, which has been working in my favor. I don't think Daisy likes the rivalry, either.
S. Koopa: It'd be kind of mean if she did, really. Anyways, what about Wario? What's your relationship with him?
Luigi: I don't mind him too much. He'll pick on me every so often, but I don't dislike him or anything.
S. Koopa: All right, I've heard that you're Mario's twin brother, but I've also heard that you're younger than Mario by several years. What's the truth?
Luigi: Mario and I are indeed twins, but I'm the younger twin. If we weren't twins, you could really toss Yoshi's Island and Yoshi Touch & Go out the window in terms of the timeline.
S. Koopa: Yeah, you have a point. Well, I've got no more questions, so let's move to Audience Question Time. Seat 35.
Wendy: Are the things that were written in your diary in Paper Mario true?
Luigi: ... My diary... was in a game?
Wendy: .... Yes....?
(Luigi's face turns red and he begins to sweat.)
Luigi: Um... N-no, everything in it w-was completely... completely made up.
S. Koopa: So basically... that's a yes.
Luigi: Sh-shut up.
S. Koopa: Seat 34.
Herringway: Do you have a fear worse than your fear of ghosts?
Luigi: Yes.
S. Koopa: ... Well? Are you going to tell us what that fear is?
Luigi: Do I have to?
(A sandbag falls on Luigi.)
Luigi: ... Ow.
S. Koopa: I was just going to say yes, but that works too.
Luigi: *shoving the sandbag off of him* Well, my biggest fear is losing my brother...
Audience: Awww...
S. Koopa: That's possibly the least boring thing you've said this entire Interview, as cliché as it i-
(A sandbag falls on S. Koopa.)
S. Koopa: ... Seriously. Why do we have so many freaking sandbags in this studio?
Lemmy: Comic relief.
S. Koopa: That's stupi-
(A second sandbag falls on S. Koopa.)
S. Koopa: ...ow. There's no way people actually find this funny.
Author: I know I don't.
S. Koopa: ... Then why do you even do it in the first place?
Author: I'm sorry, am I Luigi?
S. Koopa: Ugh, shut up.
(The sandbags disappear in a puff of smoke.)
S. Koopa: Thank you. Anyways, let's move to seat 4.
Noki: Where were you during the events of Super Mario Sunshine?
Luigi: I was taking a mini-vacation after the events of Luigi's Mansion. Mario offered to take me along, but I really wasn't up to making a big trip.
S. Koopa: Seat 89.
Grubba: Do ya really own that big ol' flyin' ship from Mario Party?
Luigi: You mean the one with Luigi's Engine Room? No, I don't own it.
Grubba: So why was that board named after ya?
Luigi: The engine room was only named after me because I like machines. When going through the engine room, no one knew who it belonged to or who built it.
S. Koopa: Well, that wraps things up for this Interview, and you know what?
Luigi: What?
S. Koopa: You're incredibly boring.
Luigi: ...
S. Koopa: Anyways, thanks for joining us today on-
Lemmy: LEMMY'S INTERVIEW SHOW!!!
S. Koopa: Yeah, that thing. End transmission.
(A sandbag falls on S. Koopa.)
S. Koopa: ... I hate you.
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