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DARK BOO interviews LAVA PIRANHA
 
By Dark Boo

(DB is writing a letter.)

DB: Salutations Mr. Koopa...

Hello. It's DB. The guy whose name also starts with Dark. I'm sending this letter to ask for your help. Since I'm guessing you never got the last one I sent. Or the seventeen before it. To the point. I, through absolutely NO fault of my own, have been stranded upon a large chunk of rock, floating down a river somewhere in Dark Land. I'm unsure where exactly. There are two idiots with me, one of them dead. Not in the sense that I would like, though. We've been floating along for quite some time now. I believe madness has started to set in, and I don't know how much time I have left before they turn on me. No obvious options are available. For once in my life, I don't know what to do. If you were to send help, or give me some words of advice, since I know you have experience with this sort of thing, that'd be much appreciated. Or just an autographed picture, that'd be cool too. Thank you in advance!

Signed, Dark “DB” Boo

(DB finishes the letter, puts it into a bottle, and throws it into the river.)

Zed: He'll never read it, y'know.

DB: Bah, I don't need to listen your pessimistic words, Negative Nancy.

Zed: I'm being honest and realistic.

DB: Why should I believe it's unlikely he'll read my letter? He'll definitely listen to the pleas of a fellow genius!

Zed: Because... First of all, neither of you qualify as a genius. Second, he'll never read your letter because he'd probably throw it away to use the bottle for something else. And he probably doesn't even know or care who you are.

DB: Of course he does! He sent us Thunk!

Thunk: Weird purple turtle tell me go work for “Dark Boo”.

DB: Which is me!

Zed: That was mere chance. When he said Dark Boo, he probably didn't mean you specifically.

DB: Then who was he talking about?

Zed: Any one of the other generic Dark Boos out there. The fact Thunk came to us was likely only because you're the only one to have gained some notoriety, minimal though it may be, and therefore, could be the only one Thunk would know about.

DB: That's preposterous.

Zed: ... Look, he isn't even going to get your letter.

DB: Bah! How do you figure?

Zed: Aside from the fact that letters in bottles rarely make it to their INTENDED destination, you threw it into a river of LAVA. Just like the last eighteen letters you've written!

DB: I fail to see your logic.

Zed: Therefore I hate you.

DB: Oh NO, you don't get that privilege this time. It's YOUR fault we're even stuck on this chunk of castle wall, floating down an endless river of lava!

Zed: I think the reader gets the point by now-

DB: Trapped on a stone wall, or floor, I don't know, from a dungeon you blew up when you smashed that ? Ball the Boom Boom had in the last Interview!

Zed: Now let's never describe this setting again.

DB: ... What were we talking about again?

Zed: You being an idiot.

DB: No, no, I'm quite sure it was a discussion on who our next interviewee is going to be.

Zed: ... Really? REALLY? We are TRAPPED on this river of LAVA, and the only thing on your mind is INTERVIEWS?

DB: Hey, shut up, it's not like I've done one in ages!

Zed: You JUST interviewed Boom Boom!

DB: That was years ago!

Zed: It was yesterday!

DB: That's a stupid notion.

Zed: You're a stupid notion.

DB: Gasp! Zed called me stupid! Well! I've certainly been put in MY place, haven't I? Woe, how shall I ever retaliate against such a sick burn?

Zed: ... If you had a neck I'd strangle you.

DB: Your girlish hands probably wouldn't even have the strength to strangle my svelte neck.

Zed: Svelte? What are you talking about, fatty?

DB: Hey, I'm not fat, I'm rotund! There's a difference!

Thunk: Thunk want more dialogue.

DB: ...

Zed: ...

Thunk: Thunk think that would be nice.

DB: ...

Zed: ...

Thunk: ... Thunk be quiet.

(DB and Zed resume their pleasant conversation as they float down the river of lava. This goes on for a while, when SUDDENLY...!)

DB: Geez, took long enough?

(Thorny vines would shoot out from the lava, wrapping around the stone raft's edges, keeping it in its place!)

Zed: ...

DB: ... You're struggling not to point out that plant life can't survive in lava, aren't you?

Zed: Trust me, it's extremely painful.

(Directly in front of the stone raft, the eponymous Lava Piranha and his Lava Buds would rocket out of the, well, lava. He roars ferociously at DB and company, spraying droplets of lava and spurts of fire all over them.)

DB: ... AUUUGGGGHHHH. It burns... SO BAD.

Zed: *shrugs* Eh, I've had worse.

Thunk: Thunk getting dialog-?

(Lava Piranha roars again.)

Thunk: Aww.

Lava Piranha: GRAH. WHAT ARE THESE PUNY BEINGS? YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED HERE. THIS LAVA RIVER IS OUR TERRITORY.

(DB grins.)

Zed: ... Ohhhh no. You are not interviewing this thing.

DB: Watch me.

Lava Piranha: WE HURT YOU NOW. WE'LL MAKE YOU BURN!

Zed: ... DB. It talks in all caps and fragmented sentences, not to mention the fact it wants to incinerate us. Would you listen to reason just this once?

DB: Who am I, Zed?

Zed: ... Sigh.

(Zed woefully begins to set up a camera that Thunk spits out. Never you mind where Thunk learned this ability.)

Lava Piranha: ... WHY DO NONE COWER IN FEAR. DO YOU NOT REALIZE YOUR PREDICAMENT?

(Lava Piranha flares up, fire traveling along its vines. Lava Piranha is ignored.)

Lava Piranha: HEY. WHAT IS THIS. WE WILL NOT BE IGNORED.

(Lava Piranha's buds blast Thunk with some shots of fire.)

Thunk: That tickle.

DB: Hey! You! Big nasty Piranha Plant!

Lava Piranha: OUR NAME IS LAVA PIRANHA.

DB: Yeah, sure! You want an interview or what?

Lava Piranha: ... WHAT.

DB: Pick!

Lava Piranha: WHAT IS THIS.

DB: Hurry up and pick, we only have so much film, HURRY UP THE FILM IS RUNNING, WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME OH GOD-

Lava Piranha: OKAY FINE WE AGREE! CALM DOWN PURPLE CREAM PUFF.

DB: Barring that last comment, excellent.

Zed: How did you do that-

DB: RUNNING OUT OF FILM-

Zed: Okay, geez, chill out.

DB: Ah ha ha. This extremely late installment of Dark Boo Interviews is brought to you from a stone raft on a river of lava in the heart of Dark Land.

Zed: Late, it's only been a day...

DB: Not being constrained by the unforgiving and cruel boundaries of time is only exclusive to us, Zed.

Zed: You say that like it's a blessing...

DB: Say hello, Lava Piranha!

Lava Piranha: HELLO.

DB: Good! I like this interviewee already! Rudimentary questions first, Lava Piranha. For the younger viewers out there and those uncultured in the RPGs of the Mario series, care to tell us what games you were featured in?

Zed: Viewers, ha.

Lava Piranha: ONLY ONE SIBLING HAS APPEARED IN ANY MARIO GAME EVER. PAPER MARIO.

DB: One sibling?

Lava Piranha: YES. THEY WERE SET THERE BY BOWSER TO GUARD TREASURE. OR PINK STARFISH. PUT UP GOOD FIGHT.

DB: Pink starfish- oh, Misstar, Star Spirit, man it's been a long time. But, no, what I mean was, there's more than one of you?

Lava Piranha: AFFIRMATIVE.

DB: Zed?

Zed: Yeah, Goombario and Koopa Koot said there are more than one in the world.

DB: Someone has been on Super Mario Wiki, I see.

Zed: I... Er... You asked me!

DB: Doesn't change your browser history, Zed.

Zed: Gah-!

DB: So how come only one of you has ever actually appeared, huh?

Lava Piranha: NOT AS COMMON AS GOOMBAS. NOR OTHER NON-LAVA BASED PIRANHAS. VERY FEW EXIST. NORMALLY LIVE DEEP ENOUGH IN LAVA TO NOT WORRY ABOUT POTENTIAL THREATS.

DB: Fair enough, fair enough, there are non-boss enemies that only appear a handful of times throughout the entirety of the series...

Zed: Like who?

DB: Boo Man Bluff.

Zed: Who?

DB: Those Boos with the blindfolds.

Zed: See, that just sounds less like an enemy-type and more like stupidity.

DB: Hey, there are advantages when looking your enemy in the eye causes paralysis!

Zed: Well maybe if Boos didn't suffer from stupid amounts of crippling shyness-

DB: I'll cripple YOU-!

Lava Piranha: COUGH.

DB: ... Thunk, can you take this for a couple minutes? Zed and I have a little dispute to settle.

Thunk: 'Kay.

DB: Good man.

(DB lunges at Zed, the two rolling around the raft, fightin'.)

Thunk: What you eat?

Lava Piranha: WHAT.

Thunk: Big plant live in lava. What you eat down there?

Lava Piranha: BACTERIA IMMUNE TO LAVA. ABSORB TONS OF IT EVERY DAY. ALSO BLARGGS. BLARGGS DELICIOUS. HARD TO KILL THOUGH.

Thunk: Which Blarggs?

Lava Piranha: ONES THAT LOOK LIKE DOOFY DRAGONS. BLOBBY GARGANTUA BLARGGS EVEN MORE HARD TO KILL. ALSO DIFFICULT TO EAT. NOT WORTH IT.

Thunk: Aw. What they taste like?

Lava Piranha: GOOD BLARGGS HAVE TOUGH BUT FLAVOUR-FILLED MEAT. BAD BLARGGS TASTE LIKE BURNT RUBBER.

Thunk: Eat Podoboos?

Lava Piranha: NO. CAN'T. APPROXIMATELY AS SUCCESSFUL AS EATING FIRE.

Thunk: Anything else?

Lava Piranha: LAVA PIRANHA DIETS ARE LIMITED. NOT LOT LIVES IN LAVA. WON'T EAT BONES EITHER. WE WILL EAT ANYTHING NEW THAT MAY FLOAT BY, HOWEVER.

Thunk: Sounds like hungry life.

Lava Piranha: VERY.

(DB and Zed get up, dusting themselves off and rubbing their respective bruises and fractures.)

DB: Well, now that that's settled, we can get back to interviewing.

Zed: Grumble.

Thunk: Diet covered, boss.

DB: Good work, Thunk. Does it eat ghosts?

Thunk: No.

DB: Wonderful. What about skeletons?

Thunk: No.

DB: Pity.

(Zed just makes rude gestures at DB.)

DB: Classy, Zed. So, Lava Piranha-

Lava Piranha: THAT IS ME!

DB: ... Yes it is. Are you as strong as the Lava Piranha that guarded Mt. Lavalava?

Lava Piranha: THEORETICALLY, YES. FACTORING IN THE BOOST GIVEN BY LORD BOWSER VIA STAR ROD? NO.

DB: You know, you two don't actually seem that different. How DID Bowser upgrade that Lava Piranha?

Lava Piranha: MADE IT SO THAT UPON DEFEAT THEY WOULD RESURRECT THEMSELVES AT FULL STRENGTH, IN A MORE POWERFUL STATE.

DB: ... Okay, but why would a water attack in the second stage of the fight temporarily paralyze the Lava Piranha when in the first stage it only did regular damage?

Lava Piranha: DREW ENERGY FROM FIRE AND LAVA. DOUSING SAID FIRE ALONG THE HEAD AND BUDS EXTINGUISHED ENERGY SOURCE FOR A BIT.

DB: All right, I guess that makes sense?

Zed: No it doesn't.

DB: Best answer we're going to get. How do you know all of this anyway?

Lava Piranha: PIRANHA PLANTS HAVE VERY INTRICATE SYSTEM OF COMMUNICATION STRETCHING ACROSS THE WORLD. INFORMATION PASSES THROUGH THE VINE NETWORK EXCEEDINGLY FAST. DIDN'T TAKE LONG TO HEAR ABOUT THEIR POWER BOOST. OR THEIR DEFEAT.

DB: Whoa. So you can, say, know what a Piranha Plant in Grass Land is doing right now?

Lava Piranha: NOT SO INSTANTANEOUS. GIVEN SOME MINUTES, YES.

DB: Awesome.

Lava Piranha: YES.

DB: Minutes?

Lava Piranha: MINUTES.

DB: I'm not stalling for time to think up more questions.

Lava Piranha: TAKE YOUR TIME.

DB: ... So, you seem to have a pretty inconsistent way of speaking!

Lava Piranha: WRITER'S FAULT, NOT MINE.

DB: Hey shut up.

Lava Piranha: WHAT WAS THAT?

DB: Er- Eh heh, what I meant to say was... Why do you guys talk like you're constantly shouting and more akin to a security system than an actual person?

Lava Piranha: PIRANHA PLANTS ARE NOT THE MOST CONVERSATIONAL SPECIES IN THE UNIVERSE. SPEECH IS FOREIGN TO MOST PIRANHA SPECIMENS. WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?

DB: Hmm... You know, I think given enough training... and a top hat and monocle... you could make quite the conversationalist.

Lava Piranha: AN EXCEPTIONALLY OUTRAGEOUS PROPOSITION.

DB: See? You already have the smug, snooty vocabulary-

Zed: Are you honestly going to go through with all this?

DB: ... No, no I'm not...

Zed: Didn't think so.

(DB pouts.)

Zed: Hey, Lava Piranha, here's something I've been wondering. Do those buds of yours have their own minds, or thought patterns?

Lava Piranha: THE MENTAL CAPACITY OF OUR SMALLER MEMBERS IS LIMITED AT BEST, BUT EXISTENT.

Zed: ... Why do you keep referring to yourself in the plural anyway?

Lava Piranha: THOUGHT AND SPEECH IS A GROUP EFFORT.

(The buds “wave” at Zed. He waves back. Later he would ponder why.)

Zed: So will they grow as large as you? I mean, the main head? The smaller buds? This is needlessly confusing.

Lava Piranha: NO. ONE HEAD ALWAYS RECEIVES MORE FOOD AND NUTRIENTS THAN THE OTHERS. CREATES A UNIFICATION BETWEEN OUR CENTRAL HEAD AND THE ATTACHED BUDS. MULTIPLE HEADS OF SIMILAR GIRTH AND MENTAL ABILITY WOULD CAUSE INEFFICIENCY AND CONFUSION.

Zed: How so?

DB: Since when has any multiple-headed beast in fiction with some level of characterization not degraded itself to arguing amongst its heads?

Zed: Well-

DB: Not counting dragons, mindless beasts, final bosses, or anything you'd consider SERIOUS fiction.

Zed: Ah... Hum. I'm sure I could think one up with time.

DB: Not the point.

Lava Piranha: EXACTLY.

Zed: ... So how DO you survive in lava? You look like a very flammable plant otherwise.

Lava Piranha: MAGIKOOPAS.

DB: Oh would you fancy that.

Lava Piranha: LONG LONG AGO THE FIRST OF US WERE MAGICALLY GRANTED THE ABILITY TO SURVIVE IN LAVA, AN ABILITY THAT WOULD BE PASSED DOWN THROUGH OUR SPAWN.

Zed: How frequently do you, uh, spread your seeds anyway?

Lava Piranha: NOT OFTEN AND NOT IN GREAT NUMBER. ONLY THE STRONGEST AND MOST FORTUNATE LAVA PIRANHA SPORES SURVIVE. MUST AVOID GETTING EATEN BY BLARGGS.

(DB whispers something in Zed's skull.)

Zed: ... I'm not asking what its gender is!

Lava Piranha: WHAT AN IMPOLITE QUESTION.

Zed: No no no, I WASN'T going to ask-

Lava Piranha: GENDER IS ARBITRARY FOR MOST PIRANHA PLANTS. LAVA PIRANHAS INCLUDED. TYPICALLY IT IS A MATTER OF PREFERENCE. WE ARE AS MALE AS NAVAL PIRANHA IS FEMALE.

Zed: Since when-

Lava Piranha: TETRIS ATTACK.

Zed: Right. So you prefer being called a guy.

Lava Piranha: AFFIRMATIVE.

Zed: Glad we got that out of the way.

DB: Speaking of Naval Piranha, any relation to her?

Lava Piranha: RELATION?

DB: Like, are Lava Piranhas cousins of Naval Piranhas?

Lava Piranha: NAVAL PIRANHA IS NOT A SUBSPECIES. NAVAL PIRANHA IS AN INDIVIDUAL ORDINARY PIRANHA PLANT GIVEN EXTENSIVE GROWTH VIA MAGIC. OUR RELATION TO NAVAL PIRANHA IS THE RELATION WE HAVE TO THE MOST BASIC OF PIRANHA PLANTS OR AT LEAST THE COMMON ONES IN YOSHI'S ISLAND.

DB: Ohhh, oh oh oh, right, right.

Zed: Duh.

DB: I swear to, uh, Bowser, Zed, one more crack out of you-

Zed: Oh, you mean that guy I knocked out?

DB: Please, Zed, as if anyone would actually believe that bold-faced lie-

Zed: Is this REALLY all this interview's filler is going to be!? You and I bickering!?

DB: You're the one bickering!

Zed: What-

(DB sticks his massive blue tongue out at Zed.)

Zed: AUGH, I'm arguing with a five-year-old!

DB: Myeeeh, ooh, look at ME, I'm ZED, I'm-arguing-with-a-five-year-old, my bones are all green and slimy, MYEEEEH.

Zed: That's it.

(Zed draws a knife and lunges at DB. Another fight ensues.)

Lava Piranha: ...

Thunk: ... Thunk could go for some Blargg himself.

Lava Piranha: CANNOT GO WRONG WITH BLARGG MARINATED IN MAGMA.

Thunk: Lava plant work for King Koopa?

Lava Piranha: WE HAVE ESTABLISHED AN AGREEMENT WHEREIN WE LIVE IN HIS LAVA RIVERS AND KEEP THEM CLEAN.

Thunk: Clean?

Lava Piranha: SOMEONE MUST TAKE THE RESPONSIBILITY OF CLEANING UP CORPSES AND GARBAGE THAT FALLS IN HERE AND WHICH FAILS TO BE INCINERATED.

Thunk: Not have to fight Mario?

Lava Piranha: NEGATIVE. BOWSER WOULD NOT RISK QUALITY LAVA GARBAGE DISPOSAL SO READILY. FEW OTHERS WOULD TAKE THE JOB.

Thunk: But you attack us?

Lava Piranha: YOU ARE NOT MARIO.

Thunk: Good job?

Lava Piranha: HOME AND FOOD. MORE THAN SATISFACTORY.

Thunk: Thunk didn't like King Koopa.

Lava Piranha: TO EACH THEIR OWN.

DB: EYARGH!

(Zed stabs DB, leaving him laying on the platform, motionless, before getting up again. He leaves the knife in DB's back.)

Zed: There.

(... DB slowly starts to hover.)

DB: ... Ghosts... don't... .DIE-

Zed: Oh shut up.

(Zed kicks DB, knocking him back down.)

DB: Ow! You jerk!

Zed: Don't care.

Thunk: Boss okay?

DB: Just peachy, Thunk. Don't feel like you have to help me or anything, I'm totally fine here with a knife in my back and a boot print on my face.

Thunk: *shrugs* Okay, if boss says so.

DB: ... Thunk. Help.

Thunk: Yes boss!

Lava Piranha: WE ARE SENSING DISORGANIZATION AMONG YOUR UNIT.

Zed: Just now? ... Man, you don't even know the half of it.

Lava Piranha: SO WE ARE TO ASSUME THE INTERVIEW IS OVER THEN.

Zed: Yep.

DB: No-! HRNK.

(Thunk yanks the knife out of DB's back.)

Thunk: Boss says no!

Zed: Bluuuuugh.

Lava Piranha: WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE LEFT TO INQUIRE ABOUT?

DB: Well... Could you answer some more questions about the Lava Piranha from Mt. Lavalava?

Lava Piranha: WITH EASE. WE COMMUNICATE FREQUENTLY.

DB: It's still alive?

Lava Piranha: AFFIRMATIVE. TWO MARIO-ADMINISTERED BEATDOWNS AND AN ERUPTION IS INSUFFICIENT TO PERMANENTLY KILL A LAVA PIRANHA.

Zed: Permanently? There's a TEMPORARY way?

Lava Piranha: NOT EXACTLY. AS LONG AS THE MAIN HEAD IS STILL TECHNICALLY ALIVE AND ATTACHED, A LAVA PIRANHA WILL NOT DIE.

Zed: So the only way to truly kill a Lava Piranha is to remove its main head.

Lava Piranha: CORRECT. OR DESTROYING THE ROOTS. ROOTS ARE DEEP ENOUGH IN LAVA THAT IT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN THOUGH.

Zed: Fascinating...

DB: Hey Zed, we're asking about the Mt. Lavalava Lava Piranha now, stop trying not-so-subtly to figure out how to kill the interviewee.

Lava Piranha: ... WHAT.

Zed: What- No, I didn't- He's lying, I wouldn't-!

(Lava Piranha swings a heavy vine at Zed, knocking him off the raft and into the sky.)

Zed: AUUUUGGGggghhhhh...

(Ding.)

DB: Whoa. You're strong.

Lava Piranha: YES.

DB: ... Er.

Lava Piranha: MT. LAVALAVA LAVA PIRANHA.

DB: Right, the Mt. Lavalva Lava Piranha.

Thunk: Mt. Lavalava Lava Piranha, Mt. Lavalava Lava Piranha, Mt. Lavalava Lava Piranha-

DB: Not really a tongue twister, Thunk. Buuut it is a bit of a pain to pronounce in full every time. I'm-a call him Audrey.

Lava Piranha: THAT IS A GIRL'S NAME.

DB: I thought you said gender was arbitrary.

Lava Piranha: POINT. CONTINUE.

DB: Did Audrey always live in Mt. Lavalava, or was he moved there?

Lava Piranha: MOVING A LAVA PIRANHA'S ROOTS IS EXTREMELY DIFFICULT. AUDREY ALREADY LIVED IN THE BOTTOM OF THE VOLCANO AND DEFENDED IT. THAT WAS LORD BOWSER'S MAIN REASON FOR PUTTING TREASURE THERE.

DB: Did Audrey initially agree to Bowser wanting to use his volcano as storage?

Lava Piranha: NO. CHANGED HIS MIND IMMEDIATELY ONCE LORD BOWSER DISPLAYED THE POTENTIAL POWER OF THE STAR ROD. ALL OTHER PIRANHA PLANTS ON LAVALAVA ISLAND ALLIED AS WELL.

DB: So Audrey was in charge of all the Putrid Piranhas on the island, right?

Lava Piranha: CORRECT. PIRANHA PLANTS GENERALLY SUBMIT TO THOSE WHO ARE MORE MASSIVE THAN THEMSELVES AND WHO INHABIT THE SAME AREA. AUDREY WAS THE ALPHA PIRANHA.

DB: Who replaced him?

Lava Piranha: HE IS STILL THE ALPHA PIRANHA.

DB: Eh?

Lava Piranha: AS STATED EARLIER MOVING A LAVA PIRANHA'S ROOTS IS EXTREMELY DIFFICULT. AUDREY STILL LIVES IN MT. LAVALAVA. HOWEVER. HE HAS BEEN MOSTLY INACTIVE SINCE LOSING AGAINST MARIO.

DB: ... So wait, if Audrey is still at Mt. Lavalava, then who appeared on the Lavalava Island float in the parade at the end of the game?

Lava Piranha: AS IF ONE COULD FIT THE ENTIRETY OF A LAVA PIRANHA'S BODY ONTO A SINGLE MOVING FLOAT. THAT AMUSES US. WE PREDICT IT MUST HAVE BEEN MECHANICAL.

DB: Built by who, the native YOSHIS?

Lava Piranha: PROBABLY THE RAVENS. AUDREY SAID THEY WERE ANNOYINGLY INVENTIVE. AND HOW SHOULD I KNOW. WE WERE NOT THERE. YOU ASK TOO MANY QUESTIONS.

DB: Yeah, kinda the point of an interview, buddy!

Lava Piranha: SO WE HAVE REACHED THE END THEN.

DB: No no, I didn't say that! Just a couple more questions left, and we haven't even done the audience portion yet-

Thunk: Don't think we can force audience questions this time, boss.

(DB looks around the barren area, seeing only Thunk, Lava Piranha, and Podoboos hopping around in the lava. And Podoboos are generally idiots, moreso than other minions.)

DB: ... All right, I guess it's just the last couple questions then!

Lava Piranha: WE SHOULD REALLY BE GETTING BACK TO OUR DUTIES. HURRY UP.

DB: We're almost out of film anyway, keep your pants on.

Lava Piranha: WE DO NOT WEAR PANTS.

DB: ... Well! How brazen and crass-

Lava Piranha: NEITHER DO YOU.

DB: Yes, but I don't have legs, ergo pants don't apply.

Lava Piranha: WE ALSO LACK LEGS.

DB: Then it appears we've reached an impasse.

Thunk: Thunk have legs.

DB: ... Er. Then Thunk is getting a pair of trousers when we get back to Lemmy's Land.

Thunk: Woo!

Lava Piranha: ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE YOUR FINAL INQUIRIES OR ARE YOU NOT?

DB: I'm getting to them! What exactly is it that the Lava Buds spit? Judging by the second phase of Audrey's fight with Mario, it wasn't just fireballs.

Lava Piranha: THEY ARE CALLED PETIT PIRANHAS AND THEY ARE LAVA PIRANHA SPORES.

DB: ... So, flaming BABY Lava Piranhas?

Lava Piranha: YES.

DB: And you just... spit them at people.

Lava Piranha: IT IS MORE PAINFUL THAT WAY.

DB: ... Ehh, it's not like there are that many good parents in the Mushroom World anyway. So in stage two of Audrey's fight, why would the Petit Piranhas just sort of float there before attacking Mario?

Lava Piranha: THEY ALSO DREW THEIR POWER FROM THE SURROUNDING FIRE AND INTENSE HEAT IN THE SECOND STAGE. THEY TOOK ADVANTAGE OF THIS TO GATHER AN EXTRA BIT OF ENERGY BEFORE BOMBARDING MARIO IN AN ATTEMPT TO INFLICT MORE DAMAGE.

DB: Works for me! One final question, Lava Piranha- Why the white rings marking your head and the enormous tongue?

Lava Piranha: THE WHITE RINGS ARE MERELY COMMON TO THE LAVA PIRANHA SUBSPECIES. THEY ARE WHAT DISTINGUISH US FROM OTHER PIRANHA PLANTS, WHO SIMPLY HAVE WHITE SPOTS AS THEIR ONLY IMMEDIATELY AESTHETIC DIFFERENCE. OUR ENLARGED TONGUES ARE PRIMARILY USED IN PICKING UP MORE LAVA-IMMUNE BACTERIA WHILE FEEDING. THEY ARE ALSO EQUIPPED WITH FLAME SACS THAT MAKE OUR FIRE-BASED ATTACKS THAT MUCH MORE POTENT THAN THE AVERAGE VENUS FIRE TRAP'S FIREBALL.

DB: Venus Fire Trap-

Lava Piranha: FIRE SPITTING PIRANHA PLANT.

DB: Right. Well thanks for not immediately killing us Lava Piranha, we got some good footage there!

(Thunk stows the camera safely away in his mouth and gives DB a thumbs up.)

Lava Piranha: YOU ARE WELCOME FOR OUR SERVICE.

DB: Sooo you gonna let us go?

Lava Piranha: GOOD QUESTION.

DB: Er- You DID say you're just here to keep the lava rivers clean, so you don't HAVE to hurt us, right?

Lava Piranha: CORRECT. HOWEVER. CONTINUING TO ALLOW YOUR DRIFTING MAY RESULT IN FUTURE POLLUTANTS TO THE RIVERS THAT WE WILL INEVITABLY HAVE TO SEE TO.

DB: Gonna ignore you calling me a pollutant because you're still pretty cool and several times larger than me.

Thunk: Boss? Lava plant get us home?

DB: Not a bad idea, Thunk! Hey, Lava Piranha! Do you know where Lemmy's Land is?

Lava Piranha: YES. WE PREDICT THAT IS ABOUT THE DIRECTION WE KNOCKED THE GREEN DRY BONES IN. YOU WISH TO FOLLOW HIM?

DB: That would be pretty great, yeah!

Lava Piranha: VERY WELL THEN.

(Lava Piranha pulls back a vine.)

DB: Wait wait no no NO-

(Lava Piranha knocks DB into the sky.)

DB: WAAAAAUUUUUuughhhhhhh...

(Ding.)

Thunk: ...

Lava Piranha: ...

Thunk: Thunk next?

Lava Piranha: WE PREDICT YOU ARE TOO HEAVY FOR US TO SIMPLY SMACK INTO THE SKY.

Thunk: Aw.

Lava Piranha: INSTEAD WE WILL JUST TAKE YOU TO SHORE. YOU CAN WALK FROM THERE.

Thunk: Hooray!

(So Lava Piranha pulls the stone raft to the edge of the river of lava, where Thunk slowly but surely walks onto shore. Lava Piranha gives him a little assisting push with his vines, and the two say their goodbyes, all the richer in their lives for having met one another. Thunk sets forth on his journey, while Lava Piranha returns to his depths to lead a humble but all around satisfying life. Meanwhile, not too far from the borders of Lemmy Land, if we're assuming that's a physical place now...)

Zed: Urrrgghhh...

(Zed is piecing himself back together after a painful collision with pavement.)

Zed: Mrgh... Can't ever get a break... Always the same thing...

(Once pieced together, Zed starts limping along, grumbling.)

Zed: ... I ponder if I'm even going to get five minutes to PRETEND that I'm free-

(DB collides with Zed.)

DB: I'M BACK.

Zed: ACK-

(End transmission.)

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