Petalburg, same day, 9:45 AM
Connor: Wow, it’s such a good day today… After that last incident, I need a break.
Koopley: Mind if I join you?
Connor: Not at all.
(After a few minutes of friendly banter and convivial laughter, they start to part ways. Connor turns around just in time to ask a question.)
Connor: Sooooo… wanna interview?
Koopley: Sure, why not?
Later…
Connor: H-
Lemmy: *draws in breath*
Connor: Do I have to call Sunny in here?
(Lemmy leaves.)
Connor: Much better. Anyway, I’m interviewing Koopley!
Everyone: Yay!
Connor: First question: how’d you wind up in Hooktail’s stomach?
Koopley: It was an accident. I was cleaning Hooktail’s room and right in the middle was this huge salad plate with the works. I was cleaning the plate’s edges and I walked into a giant bacon bit and was knocked out. Next thing I knew, I woke up in the belly of the beast, so to speak.
Connor: How’d you survive?
Koopley: I used to be a boy scout. I took a Buzzy shell I had on hand, stuffed inside bits of wilting vegetables that came down Hook’s throat, waited for a bit, and whammo! Fresh Ultra Shrooms! I also attached my shell to her esophagus with bits of mucus.
Koopie Koo: So THAT’S what that weird corpsey smell was.
Connor: How’d you find the Diamond Crystal Star? Really?
Koopley: It was in the room where the second Black Chest key was. I put it in my shell to take it somewhere safer. You know what happened next.
Connor: Ah, yes. Last question and it’s audience time: why don’t you have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after what happened?
Koopley: Unlike the rest of this town’s population, I don’t scare easily. Kroop doesn’t count because he’s been senile and inactive for 250 of his 400 years of existence.
Connor: It’s a wonder he hasn’t died by now. Seat BEWARETHEFORESTMUSHROOMS!
Geno: How come you don’t scare?
Koopley: Does Wes Craven ring any bells?
Everyone: 0vo
Koopley: I thought so. Seat FINALFANTASYISHCHARACTER!
Culex: What kind of job do you have?
Koopley: I clean Hooktail’s Castle. Most of that work involves shoveling Hook’s (censored) into a wagon and spreading it where the town or the area around it lacks plants. It pays 200 coins an hour.
Connor (trying not to vomit): TMI man… Seat GIYGASWANNABE… crud.
Dimentio: What happened to your wife?
Koopley: She was murdered eight days before Koops hatched. She’s the first female Nimbi you see in SPM other than Fallbi.
Connor: That was her? Oh, seat IWASONLYGIVENAMAJORROLEASFILLER!
Box Ghost: BEWAAAAARE!!! FOR I AM THE BOX-
Koopley: Do think Melinda’s the only person that can cross over ghosts?
(Box Ghost leaves.)
Connor: That’s REALLY getting annoying. Seat FUNNYACTOR!
Robin Williams: What do you do now?
Koopley: I still clean Hooktail’s castle, but I also help Koops run Petalburg. He won by default since no one else ran.
Captain Falcon (operating the camera): That’s true since this town’s not that big.
Koopley: Are you kidding? Petalburg’s one of the biggest towns in the area other than Twilight. Not only that, Plit’s more than three times the size of Jupiter!
Everyone: What?!
Koopley: How else do you think Nintendo can depict all those places other than Kirby’s world? Seat WEIRDLOOKINGBUNNY!
Rabbid: BAAAAAAH!!!
Mallow: He asked if you plan on being in another game.
Koopley: As long as it’s not just a sticker cameo in Smash, yes. Seat ROW30SEAT9!
Red Paratroopa: How come your eyes are always closed?
Koopley: A year after I first started my job at Hooktail’s, I had an accident that caused me to lose them. Seat FAILEDRUNNINGGAG!
Roy: If you can’t see, then how can you recognize everyone?
Koopley: We have ears. They’re just small holes on either side of our heads. Didn’t you pay attention in health class? Seat SPONGEBOBGAG and I’m going home.
Admiral Ackbar: IT’S A TRAP!!!
Fish: DEEEEEEAAAAAUUUUGHHH!!!
Ludwig: CHOCOLAAAAATE!!! CHOCOLAAAAATE!!! CHOCOLAAAAATE!!!
Cell: IMMA FIRIN MA LAZORZ!!!!1!1!!!11!11!!1!
Fawful: I HAVE FURY!!!
Koopley: -.- Did I say home? I meant on vacation. Bye.
(He leaves.)
Dr. Octogonapus: DR. OCTOGONAPUS BWAAAAAAAAA!!!
Pied Piper: Have you paid the Pied Piper?
Connor: END TRANSMISSION before everyone hears something much worse than Fawful’s laughing and Sunny’s tantrums combined…
Captain Falcon: Will do.
TRANSMISSION ENDED… thank God.
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