Lemmy: All right, what's the running gag?
Dark Koopa: Excuse me?
Lemmy: Surely this Interview must have a running gag of sorts. You always have a running gag.
Dark Koopa: No, not really.
Lemmy: In the fake Millennium Star Interview, you kept calling him a phony.
Dark Koopa: That was Pura.
Lemmy: Jonathan Johnny Jones Interview, you had some stupid telethon.
Dark Koopa: That was your idea.
Lemmy: What about that Bowser Jr. Interview? That's where that whole "interviewee gets beaten up" thing got started.
Dark Koopa: We haven't done that in a while.
Lemmy: Point is, you always have some joke, and I want to know what it is RIGHT NOW.
Dark Koopa: Fine, smart guy, I'll tell you. I brought some alcohol. And every time I see or hear something stupid, I'm going to take a chug.
Lemmy: That sounds incredibly stupid.
Dark Koopa: Your face is incredibly stupid. Now, send out my interviewee.
Lemmy: No.
(The interviewee comes out anyway, and it is revealed to be... CHERBIL!)
Dark Koopa: ...
(Dark Koopa takes a chug.)
Cherbil: Hello!
Dark Koopa: No.
Cherbil: What?
Dark Koopa: What are you and why are you haunting me with your existence?
Cherbil: I'm a Cherbil!
Dark Koopa: You don't look like a gerbil to me.
Cherbil: Not gerbil, Cherbil!
Dark Koopa: Stop existing.
Cherbil: How rude!
Swooper: Hug!
(Swooper spots Cherbil. Dark Koopa takes two chugs.)
Swooper: Ew, I'm not hugging that!
Dark Koopa: Seriously, what are you?
Cherbil: I think I'm some sort of gas mutation side-effect to something called The Void.
(Dark Koopa takes a chug.)
Dark Koopa: One moment.
Cherbil: Sure!
(Dark Koopa calls Count Bleck.)
Dark Koopa: Hey Bleck!
Count Bleck: Yes?
Dark Koopa: STOP IT!
(Dark Koopa hangs up.)
Cherbil: What was that all about?
Dark Koopa: Never mind that. What games do you appear in?
Cherbil: Just Super Paper Mario.
(Dark Koopa takes a chug.)
Dark Koopa: Curse that game.
Cherbil: What's wrong with it?
(Dark Koopa takes several chugs.)
Dark Koopa: What isn't?
Lemmy: Mario dies. That's kind of cool.
Dark Koopa: He didn't really die.
Lemmy: Terrible game.
Dark Koopa: I think it's time for a commercial!
Lemmy: I remember the last time we had a commercial...
***
Yellow: Woohoo! I'm the only one left on-
Lemmy: Lemmy's Interview Show!
Yellow: Wait. You're still here.
Lemmy: Why are you looking at me like that?
Yellow: Commercial break!
Announcer: Eat cereal!
(After the commercial, Lemmy can be seen laying on the floor with a rope around his neck.)
***
Lemmy: That was the best day ever.
Dark Koopa: You forgot about the Head-on commercial.
Lemmy: I plan to skip it... directly to the forehead.
***
Announcer: Geico. So easy, a caveman can do it.
Cragnon: ... I'm sad now.
Gecko: Check out my ring-tone.
Phone: RINGA DING DING DING DONG!
***
Dark Koopa: Okay, why are you called Cherbil?
Cherbil: I'm not sure. Some say we're referenced after some city in Ukraine, but I don't know where Ukraine is. Do you?
Dark Koopa: Is it in Yold Ruins?
Cherbil: Maybe!
Dark Koopa: So what can you do?
Cherbil: We can put people to sleep with sleeping gas!
Dark Koopa: And where does the sleeping gas come from?
Cherbil: We're floating gasbags. That's what we're made of.
Dark Koopa: Well, did you know you look like a-
Lemmy: Brawler.
Dark Koopa: Are you censoring me?
Lemmy: Yes.
Dark Koopa: I hate you. Moving on... Where do you usually hang out?
Cherbil: Yold Desert and Gap of Crag mostly, but other types of Cherbils hang out elsewhere.
Dark Koopa: What causes the creation of an Ice or Poison Cherbil?
Cherbil: Cold or contaminated air, respectively.
Dark Koopa: Well, this is all really gross and I don't like this conversation at all. I'd drink myself into a coma to end this Interview, but sadly I'm out of alcohol. Can this day get any worse?
Lemmy: There's a Stephen Seagal movie on.
Dark Koopa: I internally weep. Well, maybe audience questions will distract me from the pain. Seat 90210.
Buzzy Beetle: Wh-
Dark Koopa: Yeah, I bet you were expecting a reference there. Well, too bad.
Buzzy Beetle: ... How durable are you?
Cherbil: Not very durable at all. We only have five HP, so the good guys can defeat us in one hit for nearly the whole game. It is very sad. We're practically Goombas.
Buzzy Beetle: Hey! My wife's a Goomba!
Dark Koopa: Why...?
Buzzy Beetle: ... Good question. I want a divorce!
Dark Koopa: Seat 12.
Thumbs: Hi Dark.
Dark Koopa: What're you doing in seat 12?
Thumbs: You demoted me to semi-frequent audience member. I get paid slightly more than Larry.
Dark Koopa: So basically you have the biggest salary out of everyone here.
Thumbs: Yup.
Dark Koopa: I hate you.
Thumbs: So, business as usual?
Dark Koopa: Do you have a question?
Thumbs: Nope.
(Thumbs sips a Slurpee.)
Dark Koopa: Jerk. Seat 36.
Wizardheimer: Whoosh! You all must do as I command and answer my query! Cherbil, do you work for anyone? Perhaps Bowser?
Cherbil: I work for Bleck, I guess you could say. I've never seen him though, so I attack everybody!
Dark Koopa: Why aren't you attacking us?
Cherbil: Because... I hear voices in my head. They talk to me. They understand.
Dark Koopa: I see.
Wizardheimer: I think Cherbil's a nut.
Cherbil: Shut up, Wizenhimerwallawallabingbang.
Wizardheimer: That's Wizardheimer. WIZ-ardheimer.
Cherbil: Whatever.
Dark Koopa: Well, this is enough of a headache for me. I'm going to go drink myself into aforementioned coma.
(Dark Koopa walks off.)
Lemmy: Hey, nobody got seriously injured!
(The studio explodes.)
Lemmy: Whoops.
***
Gloomtail: Hi, boys and girls! I bet you thought I was dead! Well, you can't kill me, for I AM GOD! Gwahahaha! Anyway, I am here with Luigi to talk about a very important subject: Alcohol. It's very bad for you! Did you know at least 12 people die from alcohol-related incidents each year?
Luigi: I once had a sip of alcohol and 6 weeks later, I was attacked by Bowser! Now everyday I have to wear shoulder pads to check the mail!
Gloomtail: Oh my! Well, you can never be too careful when- Wait, what?
Luigi: Yep.
Gloomtail: What is wrong with you? Okay, I've had enough of this. I'm getting some alcohol.
Luigi: Me too.
(They exit and the screen goes... purple. What? It's something different.)
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