(You can see some kind of title card.)
P.T.’s voice: Are you a bad enough dude to sit through this Interview?
(Everyone is backstage.)
Lemmy: Hey everybody, notice anything different about me?
Skye: You’re short.
Lemmy: … That reminds me. Skye, you’re not doing well with the audience. I’m afraid you’re the weakest link.
Skye: What are you saying?
Donald Trump: You’re fired.
Lemmy: Thanks for the help, Don.
(Donald Trump gives Lemmy the thumbs up before leaving.)
Skye: … Oh. I’ll get you for this, Lemmy Koopa. I’ll get you all!
Spike: She’s not gonna make a scene, is she? I’m trying to nap.
Skye: And you, you’re just boring!
Spike: Great, now she’s gonna say one for all of us… Wake me when she’s done.
Skye: You’re too violent-
(Punchy looks up from punching the wall.)
Skye: You’re too depressing-
Bogmire: …
Skye: You’re a greedy little monster-
Bill: Can I help it if I-
Skye: You’re a freak-
Shrike: Hey-
Skye: You’re not even an actual Mario creature-
Mii T.: Eh?
Skye: And you’ve got to be the biggest moron I’ve ever met!
P.T.: .apooK gnuoy ,senots dna skcitS
Skye: I’m out of here! But I’ll get you for this!
(She storms out.)
P.T.: … That was weird. Who was she, anyway?
Lemmy: … Anyway, when I left last time I got this new yellow ponytail as part of my Wii makeover.
Spike: And I’m sure all the little Koopa girls will love you. Now can I nap?
Lemmy: No, Alpha Kretin, or Beta Kretin, is next, and you and Shrike have to interview him.
Spike: Crud.
Shrike: Well you’re no ray of sunshine either.
Spike: Can it, Big D!
(Soon…)
Spike: So how are we going to interview a molecular monster?
Shrike: I don’t know.
(Spike stomps his foot .)
Spike: Oh look, I just squished him. Oh well. Interview over.
Shrike: Shut up.
(A cloud of blue orbs flies up to Spike and Shrike. Shrike pulls out an oriental hand fan and swings it, making wind that scatters the orbs, leaving only one to fall to the floor.)
Beta Kretin: That hurt!
Spike: Too bad. Now, first question. Are you actually Beta Carotene?
Beta Kretin: Yeah. Mutated, that is. I’m what gave Bowser that odd feeling from eating that Giga Carrot… He brings it up when you ask him questions about himself.
Shrike: How’d you get into the carrot, then?
Beta Kretin: The Wiggler thought he was watering the carrot one day when he was actually pouring some kind of potion.
Shrike: Where’d he-
Beta Kretin: He’s stupid. I have no clue where he got it.
Shrike: Very well then…
(Meanwhile…)
Mii T.: What are you doing in the studio next door?
P.T.: I’m giving people advice!
Mii T.: Why?
P.T.: Because!
(Meanwhile…)
Spike: So were you the bottom Kretin in your formation, or what?
Beta Kretin: Yeah, I was.
Shrike: How do you change colors?
Beta Kretin: Hormones in Kretins cause us to change colors when we’re hostile. We usually change into the color of the things we’re up against. And ironically enough, they’re the only ones able to harm the specific Kretin.
Shrike: You should really work on that.
Spike: Why didn’t you just go into Alpha form immediately when you split up after being knocked down?
Beta Kretin: I needed to build up energy! Meanwhile, I stalled for time by making the Mario Bros. jump over lightning bolts.
Shrike: So are you pretty much hostile to the Mario Bros. in particular?
Beta Kretin: Didn’t you see us swarming Peach? We attack anything foreign to Bowser’s body.
Spike: Why do you care about Bowser?
Beta Kretin: I don’t know. Maybe leftover love that the Wiggler put into his farming endeavor.
(Meanwhile…)
P.T.: What’s your problem?
Koopie Koo: Well… my boyfriend is a coward and I’m thinking of dumping him. What would you suggest, Doctor?
P.T.: I say you should send a wolf into his room at night and seal all the exits. Then he’ll have no choice but to face his fear. You might want a rabid one so he’ll do it faster.
Koopie Koo: …
(Meanwhile…)
Shrike: Anyway, why do you have different formations in Alpha form?
Beta Kretin: Purely for fun.
Spike: Are you guys the only Kretins?
Beta Kretin: Right now, yes.
Shrike: Are you male or female?
Beta Kretin: Neither… but people have been calling us male.
Spike: Where does the energy for your energy balls come from?
Beta Kretin: Power from the potion. And yes, that’s also where the lightning comes from.
Shrike: So what happened to you after you were defeated?
Beta Kretin: I backed off. Eventually I found the Pipe Yard and got out.
(Meanwhile…)
P.T.: Now what?
Count Bleck: Count Bleck lost his girlfriend, and now he wants to destroy everything. What is a better way for dealing with grief?
P.T.: I dunno… Get a hobby?
Count Bleck: Like what?
P.T.: I don’t do it much myself, but have you tried reading books?
Count Bleck: Hmm… There was this one Count Bleck found…
P.T.: Good, now go away.
(Meanwhile…)
Spike: Now what do you do?
Beta Kretin: We heard Wario’s fat was nice this time of year, so we’re thinking of taking a vacation there.
Shrike: Well, now it’s time for Audience Questions. Seat PUFFUP.
Toad that’s normally Blorbed: Why were you entirely red right before the battle?
Beta Kretin: Like I said, I turn into the color of invaders. And Mario was the one I saw first.
Spike: Seat CARROTTOP.
Iggy: Why is it still possible to cause harm on a second jump on a Kretin if the first jump kills it, considering one does the action command correctly?
Beta Kretin: … What? … Oh… I really don’t know. I think Nintendo just added that in for fight mechanics.
Shrike: Seat TIE.
Donkey Kong: How do you create other Beta Kretins?
Beta Kretin: By budding. Yeah, they were all my kids and they were babies. They were all weak because of it.
Spike: One more, Seat PIRATEGHOST.
Ember: Why didn’t you change colors once you were alone against Mario and Luigi?
Beta Kretin: What would be the point?
Ember: Only one plumber could hurt you?
Beta Kretin: That only works in Alpha mode.
Spike: And we’re done. Go home.
(P.T. appears.)
P.T.: Spike, I think you need some advice.
Spike: No… Hey what’s that?
(P.T. notices a Bob-omb with a note.)
Shrike: “Told you I’d get you back”… Well that’s just great… Quick! End transmission!
(BOOM!)
(Transmission ended.)
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