Shrugger: I’M NOT GOING TO EVEN BOTHER SAYING ANYTHING.
Musical Guy: Not even a witty insult?
Shrugger: BLEH.
Y-Naut: Hey guys, guess what? Plit is within sight.
Chuck: HMMPH.
Shrugger: OK.
Mrs. I: You guys have got to see someone about your caps tendency.
An hour later…
Y-Naut: Only 32 minutes.
Shrugger: COOL.
(Suddenly, a white comet whooshes by our protazoansgonists.)
Mrs. I: Oh, wow, cool.
Shrugger: YEAH.
Y-Naut: … Wait a second. That’s a Daredevil Comet…
Chuck: WHAAH?
Y-Naut: If we so much as touch each other now, we’ll die instantly.
Shrugger: WE’RE 30 MINUTES AWAY FROM HOME. WHAT CAN HAPPEN?
(Suddenly, Bouldergist appears.)
Entire Crew: … Great.
Bouldergeist: RAWR! HOW DARE YOU STARE AT ME THAT WAY?!
Shrugger: JUST SO YOU KNOW, YOU’RE ALL STUPID EXCEPT CHUCK AND PIT.
Pit: Whuh?
Y-Naut: Err… Great, mighty, beast guy of ultimate highness, we apologize to our fullest possible extents, and deeply regret our crime against your being. We ask for one more chance to let us through, and we will never disturb you again in our lives.
Bouldergeist: BOULDERGEIST DOES NOT UNDERSTAND UGLY THING’S BIG WORDS.
Chuck: ERR… UMM… WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE INTERVIEWED?
Bouldergeist: … HMM. ON WHAT TV STATIONS?
Chuck: LOTS OF ‘EM.
Bouldergeist: OK. I WISH TO BE AMUSED, MORTALS.
Shrugger: WAIT, WH-
Bouldergeist: LET THE STONE SPEAK.
Shrugger: *gulp*
Chuck: WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?
Bouldergeist: DEEP SPACE, OF COURSE. SOME EPIC BATTLE CRUSHED SOME STONE PLANET, AND THE SPIRITS THERE ACCIDENTALLY MERGED INTO A ROCK. THAT’S WHEN I POOFED INTO EXISTANCE.
Mrs. I: That’s it! I’ll scream if I hear one more ALL CAPS sentence! Mute!
Shrugger: WAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIImmmph.
Chuck: And how did you get to the Ghostly Galaxy after that?
Bouldergeist: I floated through space, of course.
Musical Guy: That’s dumb.
(Bouldergeist throws a rock at Musical Guy, who dies.)
Shrugger: You, sir, are the most admirable person I’ve ever met.
Bouldergeist: Thanks.
Chuck: How exactly did you get the residents of Ghostly Galaxy to recognize you as their boss?
Bouldergeist: Actually, they were about to kill me at first. I countered one of their attacks with a black rock, and that somehow let out a Bomb Boo. I guess they liked it so much they trusted me.
Chuck: Err… How exactly did you get the Bomb Boos?
Bouldergeist: I don’t know. However, I guess that the epic war on the planet involved biowarfare and bombs.
Mrs. I: You totally spelled that wrong.
(Mrs. I is rocked and dies.)
Gearmo: You just killed two of our longest standing crewmembers. In about ten minutes.
Bouldergeist: Where did you come from? But, thank you.
Chuck: How did you get acquainted with Bowser?
Bouldergeist: Who is this “Bowser” fellow?
Chuck: … The guy with the shiny Stars?
Bouldegeist: Oh, those? No clue. One day we just had a bunch, and they made me feel powerful and good and cool so we guarded them.
Chuck: So you never met Bowser?
Bouldergeist: Stop saying confusing things.
Shrugger: I need to remember to add that to my “Reasons Why Koopas Are Dumb” list.
Chuck: Do you have any modern conveniences in your Galaxy, or just medieval junk?
Bouldergeist: What? Of course we have modern stuff. But buyers for whatever reason like antiques, so we keep the modern stuff from them.
Chuck: Buyers? So you’re selling?
Bouldergeist: Definitely! Our mansion is too far away from everything, plus it has those unbearable lights! We want a nice, dark mansion, close to lots of things for us to haunt.
Shrugger: Keep it up, Chuck! It says that we’re only five minutes away!
Chuck: Righto! What is your political power over the Boos?
Bouldergeist: Actually, not much. We just like to hang out and spook people, and in times when we are trying to spook people, I happen to be the biggest, so I’m the leader.
Chuck: Why did you kidnap Luigi?
Bouldergeist: Who?
Chuck: … The guy in green?
Bouldergeist: Oh! Well, actually, what happened is he just randomly landed one day in front of a couple Boos. We didn’t actually want him, but we figured “Meh, might as well” and imprisoned him there.
Chuck: Is the Spooky Speedster in your army?
Bouldergeist: He was… but he isn’t now. See, after that infernal red guy rescued the green guy, he came back and raced Speedster for no reason. He then won, which inspired Spooky or something, I have no idea, to go off to his own galaxy and start racing professionally. But a couple months later, during which Mario came and beat him again, he realized Boo’s Boneyard Galaxy is a little out there and only Boos can race there in the first place, so the planet wasn’t necessarily the best for racing. Now I hear he’s looking for a buyer.
Gearmo: What? Private planet for sell? Abandoned from society? I could totally buy that, revamp it, and use it to create my own little lair! That would be so awesome! What’s the price?!
Bouldergeist: Quiet, inferior… Wait, you aren’t even alive, technically… Machine.
Gearmo: WHAT? THAT WAS OFFENSIVE!
Bouldergeist throws a rock at Gearmo just as Mrs. I’s ghost pops up and nails him with an ice beam.
Bouldergeist and Mrs. I: What a noob.
Mrs. I vanishes.
Shrugger: THIRTY SECONDS! HURRY!
Chuck: Ummmmmmerrrrrrrr… Are you partly responsible for the “Matter Splatter” phenomenon?
Bouldergeist: Err, no? I think that was because of some distortion in space caused by the lack of Power Stars and some random Lumas. No one has any clue.
Chuck: Well, sir, this Interview was a pleasant one.
Pit: Yep, it sure was.
Bouldergeist rocks Pit.
Chuck: Thank you for that.
Bouldergeist: You’re welcome. It was pleasant being with you, too.
Chuck: Ah, thank you!
Bouldergeist: Well, I must be leaving now.
Chuck: Goodbye, Bouldergeist!
Bouldergeist: Goodbye, Chuck!
Bouldergeist vanishes.
Shrugger: 10 seconds left before we’re in the atmosphere. Aah, home sweet home.
Y-Naut: Wait!
Shrugger: What?
Y-Naut: According to my calculations, going through atmospheres really hurts?
Shrugger: So… Oh.
Chuck: So we’re all going to die.
Y-Naut: Yep.
Shrugger: Ugh.
Do do… do do do… do do do do do-do.
TOO BAD
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