JOHNNY: You know what I just realized?
Lord Crump: That it's a good thing Mr. Salty is locked up in jail?
JOHNNY: That, and that you and I have never interviewed anyone whose name starts further down the alphabet than L.
Lord Crump: Dude, that sounds like a form of discrimination.
JOHNNY: I think it might.
Lord Crump: So to be fair, should we interview someone whose name starts at the end of the alphabet?
JOHNNY: It seems to be the most logical option to fix this problem.
Lord Crump: Okay, so, who are we interviewing?
JOHNNY: How about Thwomp?
(Thwomp crashes through the ceiling.)
Thwomp: Did somebody call?
Lord Crump: That was convenient.
JOHNNY: Oh cool, we have our interviewee.
Thwomp: Me? Dis is an honor!
Lord Crump: Well what are we waiting for, let's get the show on the road.
JOHNNY: As I corrected you last time, it's Interview, but by the same reasoning, one might take it as a show.
(Lord Crump and JOHNNY walk onstage.)
JOHNNY: Hey Thwomp, get out here.
Thwomp: Uh… I'm kind of stuck.
Lord Crump: That's no good.
Thwomp: Would you guys mind doing dis Interview backstage?
JOHNNY: Eh, I guess it's fine. So Thwomp, why don't you get stuck when you crash down in fortresses?
Thwomp: Dere's a specials designed platform below us to dat when we fall, we don't break it and get stuck. Dat's why in fortresses we tower above this set of blocks.
Lord Crump: How do you guys stay in the air and get back up?
Thwomp: We are able to levitate up and down.
JOHNNY: Can't some Thwomps go left and right?
Thwomp: Yes, but dose ones cannot go up and down. Dere is no Thwomp that can go in all directions.
Lord Crump: Why do you guys fall faster than you rise up?
Thwomp: Dis is just common sense. It's gravity, of course. Our levitation isn't as strong as some other minions’ form of levitation, so gravity has a big effect on us.
JOHNNY: Going back to the first question, do Thwomps moving horizontally use a similar method to prevent them from getting stuck?
Thwomp: Yes.
Lord Crump: Are you a vertically moving Thwomp or a horizontally moving one?
Thwomp: I move vertically. The majority of Thwomps operate dat way.
JOHNNY: How were you guys created?
Thwomp: We were first giant rock squares brought to life by a certain spell that Magikoopas must perform on each rock in order to make it a living Thwomp.
Lord Crump: Why do you guys never smile?
Thwomp: We have no muscles, and it takes muscles to smile.
JOHNNY: Then how do you guys blink at talk?
Thwomp: It doesn't involve us using face muscles. We simply open up our mouth to talk, and we just shut and open our eyes. With smiling, we would need to have cheeks.
Lord Crump: Well why don't you guys start off with a smile instead of a frown when you're first created?
Thwomp: Bowser wants us to look mean and tough.
JOHNNY: Huh, you don't seem that mean…
Thwomp: Most Thwomps aren't, but if we get angry, we can go on rage streaks that will last for days.
Lord Crump: Well what are some things that set off that rage?
Thwomp: Mainly whenever we let Mario get past us.
JOHNNY: Wait just a minute! How did you get here if you can only levitate us and down?
Thwomp: I fell from a doomship and just so happened to land here.
Lord Crump: Oh, so is that how you guys move horizontally?
Thwomp: Sometimes. When we're at the castle, some Koopas put us on platforms with wheels and just push us to our designated spots.
JOHNNY: Wow, we've asked a lot of questions.
Lord Crump: I know, dude. You think maybe we should move on to some audience questions?
JOHNNY: Sure.
(JOHNNY and Lord Crump look around to see they're backstage with no audience.)
Thwomp: Dis could be a problem.
Lord Crump: Well, since we can't bring Thwomp to the audience, why don't we just bring the audience to Thwomp?
JOHNNY: How are we going to do that?
(Lord Crump runs onto the stage.)
Thwomp: I smell trouble.
(Lord Crump is onstage in front of the audience.)
Lord Crump: Hey everyone, there's free ice cream backstage!
Audience: FREE ICE CREAM?!
(The audience gets up and runs backstage, soon filling the tiny room completely, with a little circle in the middle where JOHNNY, Crump, and Thwomp are.)
JOHNNY: Uh, this is a bit cramped.
(The audience is seen frantically looking around for any signs of ice cream.)
Lord Crump: Uh… Anyone who asks Thwomp a question gets a free ice cream.
(Everyone's hand shoots up.)
Lord Crump: (whispering to JOHNNY) See, aren't I genius?
JOHNNY: Well, since there's no seats, I'll just call you guys by name. Luigi!
Luigi: What's a Thwimp?
Thwomp: A smaller Thwomp that has stronger levitation due to their lesser size.
Lord Crump: King Boo.
King Boo: How come you guys only appear in fortresses and not doomships?
Thwomp: Actually, we are on doomships, only we’re stuck in dose crates. Bowser don’t want to go through da trouble of making those platforms so dat we don’t get stuck.
JOHNNY: Smithy.
Smithy: When you guys fall, why don’t you guys create earthquakes? I mean, one would think you guys would cause them, seeing as you guys are large and fall quickly.
Thwomp: Da landing platforms stop all vibrations. Dats da one negative about dose platforms.
Lord Crump: Looks like we got one more hand up. Gourmet Guy.
Gourmet Guy: How come you guys don’t rise up to hit Mario?
Thwomp: Dat would take too long. Dere would be no way dat we could get Mario.
JOHNNY: Well, looks like that’s all the questions we have.
Thwomp: Dat was fun.
Lord Crump: Indeed it was.
Gourmet Guy: So where’s the ice cream.
JOHNNY: Uh…
Lord Crump: Crud.
Audience: No ice cream?!
(The audience picks up pitchforks and torches.)
JOHNNY: Run for it, Crump!
(JOHNNY and Lord Crump run out of the studio, being chased by the audience.)
Thwomp: Hey wait, you forgot about me.
(Thwomp looks around to see that there is nobody left.)
Thwomp: I’m still stuck!
(One week later…)
(JOHNNY and Lord Crump return to the studio.)
JOHNNY: I think we lost them.
Thwomp: Hey morons, you forgot something.
(JOHNNY and Lord Crump turn around to see Thwomp still stuck.)
Lord Crump: Oh yeah, forgot about you.
(Thwomp begins looking more angry than normal.)
Thwomp: When you guys get me out of here, I’m going to kill you!
JOHNNY: I think we ought to get back to running…
(JOHNNY and Lord Crump run out of the studio again.)
Thwomp: I really shouldn’t have said dat.
(END TRANSMITTION)
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