Lord Crump: Yo, run JOHNNY! The world is going to end tomorrow.
JOHNNY: But the world ended yesterday.
Lord Crump: Then why are you still alive, dude?
JOHNNY: I'm magic.
Lord Crump: Yo, then how did you save all these people?
(Lord Crump points to an audience full of people.)
JOHNNY: I saved them because I'm your savior. Now bow down to your savior. Bow down to the master!
Gloomtail: No, bow down to me!
Lord Crump: Yo, so if I go anywhere other than this studio I'll see mass destruction?
JOHNNY: Yup.
Gloomtail: Oh, that was me. I felt like taking the scenic route here today.
JOHNNY: Why did you come here anyway?
Gloomtail: Hmm, take a wild guess.
Lord Crump: Ice cream?
(JOHNNY smacks Lord Crump across the face.)
JOHNNY: Don't be dumb now.
Gloomtail: Too late for that.
JOHNNY: Haha, he got you good there.
Lord Crump: Hey, that was a very good guess by me.
Gloomtail: For a two-year-old, I guess. JOHNNY, please tell him why I came here.
JOHNNY: He came here to be interviewed.
Lord Crump: Oh yeah! I love Interviews, dude.
Gloomtail: You would have to not do that.
Lord Crump: Do what?
Gloomtail: Use words like "dude" and "dog". Please find more tasty vocabulary.
JOHNNY: Since when is vocabulary tasty?
Gloomtail: It's me we're talking about, I've tasted everything.
Lord Crump: Well then what do I taste like?
(Gloomtail eats Crump and spits him out a couple of seconds later.)
Gloomtail: You taste like a grimy thug.
Lord Crump: Man he's good.
JOHNNY: Wait, since when do you know superior words like "grimy"?
Gloomtail: I'm not just power. I'm power with a brain. Unlike our goony friend over here.
Lord Crump: Where's Goonie?
JOHNNY: Yoshi's Island.
Lord Crump: Then why did he say "goony friend"?
Gloomtail: Goony as in you're a goon. A thug. Mobster. Hoodlum.
JOHNNY: I'm starting to like having someone here who has a measurable IQ.
Lord Crump: Yo, my IQ is measurable.
Gloomtail: I guess it is if negative numbers count.
Lord Crump: ...
JOHNNY: Oh man, Gloomtail is owning you, Crump.
Gloomtail: I own everyone. No one can own THE GLOOMTAIL.
JOHNNY: That's a good place to start our Interview. So Gloomtail, were you really the Shadow Queen's pet?
Gloomtail: Yes and no. I technically was her pet, as she did raise me when I was first hatched. However, I am more intellectually advanced than the Shadow Queen, so it's not like she could senselessly command me like a mindless house pet. She liked to keep limits on me, which I foolishly followed. I could have easily killed her, yet I was too nice back then.
Lord Crump: So what exactly was your life like when she was still around?
Gloomtail: Well, I studied independently in her library. I did a lot of reading and was a quick learner. She would have me eat her prisoners, give her a ride places, help her takeover towns, all that fun stuff. It's what helped shape my appetite for destruction.
JOHNNY: So why did you and Hooktail go your separate ways? I mean, it's obvious you still love her. So why didn't you two go live together?
Gloomtail: She likes bright places and I like dark places. That's why I went to Rogueport, as it was generally dark and was where I found the Palace of Shadows. She went off and built a castle in sunny Petalburg Meadows.
Lord Crump: In the Palace of Shadows, how was Grodus able to get passed you?
Gloomtail: I really don't know. He either snuck past after Mario beat me, or he somehow got past when I was asleep.
JOHNNY: Did you know that the Shadow Queen's spirit was hidden in the Palace of Shadows at the time?
Gloomtail: No. If I did, the Palace of Shadows would have been destroyed. I would have obliterated her spirit so there would be no chance of her coming back and trying to control me. I'm much more powerful than her.
Lord Crump: How did you get your megabreath attack?
Gloomtail: I ate a very bitter and spicy food. The food gave me permanent breath, which I soon realized greatly hurt people. That became my favorite attack since it takes little effort to do. However, it sometimes comes out when I talk to pe-
(Gloomtail breathes megabreath on Lord Crump.)
Lord Crump: Ahh! The pain!
JOHNNY: Haha!
Gloomtail: It's fun being me.
JOHNNY: Agreed.
Lord Crump: Yo, it's fun until the megabreath comes.
(Gloomtail megabreaths Lord Crump again.)
Lord Crump: The pain!
JOHNNY: So, why don't we let the audience ask some questions?
Gloomtail: Fair enough, I'll allow it.
JOHNNY: All right, seat 13.
Prince Peasley: How was Mario able to defeat you?
Gloomtail: Luck. Pure luck.
(Lord Crump returns with bandages and burnt skin.)
JOHNNY: Oh hey, you've returned.
Gloomtail: Then I guess I haven't done my work.
(Gloomtail megabreaths Lord Crump, who passes out this time.)
JOHNNY: So... Seat 58.
Mario: You know I beat you fair and square. You're just weaker than me.
Gloomtail: Haha, that's the funniest thing I've heard all day. Next to anything that's come out of Crump's mouth, of course.
Mario: Do you want to take this outside?
Gloomtail: I would, but I destroyed what's known as the "outside" Yeah, I highly recommend no one goes out there for a couple of hours until the destruction settles.
Mario: I'm not falling for that. What am I, stupid?
JOHNNY: Actually, yes.
(Mario walks out of the studio, only to get knocked out by a falling chunk of ground.)
JOHNNY: Why is it raining ground out there?
Gloomtail: Because I should have cut my toenails before I came here.
(Gloomtail shows his feet, with toenails that are sharp like knives and at least 4 feet long.)
JOHNNY: %#)&#)!
Gloomtail: Yeah, I haven't had time to cut them. You know, with all the killings I have committed.
JOHNNY: Oh, the agony. So, getting back on track, seat 30.
Diddy Kong: What is your relationship with Beldam? I mean, since she has ties with the Shadow Queen, does that mean you have ties with her?
Gloomtail: Beldam was the closet follower of the Shadow Queen. She was her best friend. She has no real relationship with me, but I saw her whenever she was over, which was nearly everyday. But it's not like I'm good friends with Beldam.
JOHNNY: Seat 28.
Booster: How do you feel about Hooktail getting more publicity than you? I mean, she's on the cover of the game.
Gloomtail: Meh, I've never been concerned with my publicity. I'm as popular as her. She got her publicity through advertising, and I got mine through my brutal strength. Besides, I don't think people would care about her if she wasn't in commercials for the game and on the game cover itself.
JOHNNY: Seat 65.
Kammy: Can you fly?
Gloomtail: I'm a dragon, of course I can.
Kammy: How come you always walk wherever you go, and never fly?
Gloomtail: When I'm flying I can't cause as much damage and destruction.
JOHNNY: Well, it appears that’s it for audience questions.
Gloomtail: Well I must say, this was quite enjoyable.
JOHNNY: Same with me. It was nice having someone around worthy of my intellectual presence instead of that pea-brained gangster.
Gloomtail: Speaking of Crump, where is he?
JOHNNY: Probably backstage. Remember, you magebreathed him.
Gloomtail: Oh yeah. That was fun.
(Gloomtail and JOHNNY head backstage and see Lord Crump lying on the floor hurt, with a flag that has Gloomtail's face on it.)
Lord Crump: I submit! I submit!
Gloomtail: Don't worry. I'm not going to hurt you.
Lord Crump: Yo, that's good. I will now worship you.
(Lord Crump starts bowing down to Gloomtail.)
Gloomtail: Yes. Good. Remember, I'm the master. I own everything in this world.
JOHNNY: Hey, who saved you from the end of the world?
Lord Crump: Oh yeah, forgot about out savior.
(Lord Crump stops bowing to Gloomtail, and bows to JOHNNY.)
JOHNNY: Ha!
Gloomtail: Crump, I recommend bowing before me or else I see some megabreath in your future.
Lord Crump: %#%(&!
(Lord Crump goes back to bowing before Gloomtail.)
Gloomtail: See? I have power.
JOHNNY: ... Dang it. Dumb megabreath.
Gloomtail: I love being me. Well, END TRANSMISSION!
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