Dr. Hawkins: So Toadsworth hooked us up with an Interview with Peach.
Max: Yes, I will go down to the loading dock.
Kurt: Should I prepare the atomic toaster, you know, just in case?
Dr. H: Let me make this as clear as possible, you are not changing Princess Peach into a Goomba with radioactivity.
Kurt: Awww…
Toadit: So, who are we combining Peach with in this wonderful day in space?
Dr. H: The Transblender selects randomly, remember?
Tv: BERTOLLI!!!
Kurt: Ugh.
Dr. H: Hey! Get ready, I’ve been told that Peach just nearly took Mario’s nose off when he stepped on her foot
(Max comes back with Peach in handcuffs.)
Kurt: Why is she in handcuffs?
Toadit: And why is one of Max’s arms missing?
Dr. H: Have a seat!
Peach: Gladly!
Dr. H: Now, welcome to…
Lemmy: Lemmy Koopa’s Interview Show.
Dr. H: Yes, let’s begin!
Peach: Where’s my personal Toad?
Dr. H: May we…
Peach: My lipstick, hairbrush, and water, and…
Dr. H: How about after the show?
Peach: Daisy isn’t here, right?
Dr. H: No, we set some traps for her and-
(Daisy bursts in with her hair chewed by a Chain Chomp, face scratched by a Monty Mole, and a beaver trap lodged in her foot)
Peach: AAAAAAHHH!
Daisy: WAAAR!
(Dr. H silently removes a black hole grenade from the folds of his labcoat.)
Dr. H: STOP!
(Dr. H throws the black hole grenade and Daisy gets sucked into the black hole. The black hole then disappears).
Peach: Ok, your questions?
Dr. H: Where did you get your crown?
(Toadit sneaks behind Peach and swipes her crown.)
Peach: My crown!
(Peach tackles Toadit.)
Toadit: Ow ow ow ow ow!
Peach: Top of my castle, hidden behind The King’s stargazing telescope.
Dr. H: The King stargazes?
Peach: Not really. His personal Toad just slips in black paper with white dots on it. He never knows, even in the daytime!
The King: Ah hah! You are traitorous!
Peach: Look, you wanted to-
The King: Seize her!
(The King points to a group of Toads eating French fries. The Toads just stare in amazement.)
The King: Well, arrest the traitor!
Dr. H: (looking at Peach) I’ll handle this.
(Dr. H pulls a lever.)
Dr. H: (to The King) Bye bye!
(The King gets sucked into a tube. He is then jettisoned out of the Jim Dandy and towards Plit.)
The King: You will pay!
Toadette Maid: Ah, finally I’ve cleaned up the castle. Not a pot out of place, no specks of dust anywhere.
(The King is sailing towards Peach’s castle. The King crashes into the castle, destroying it and sending furniture and chunks of castle stone about.)
Maid: NO!
(The King gets himself up.)
King: You, maid, clean up this mess!
(The maid turns purple from anger, then throws a broom at The King.)
Maid: Clean it up yourself! I quit!
(The camera returns to the Jim Dandy.)
Peach: Let’s get back to the show.
Dr. H: Yes!
(Toadit regains consciousness.)
Dr. H: Where were you born?
Peach: The wealthy district of Mushroom City.
Dr. H: Why does Mario always rescue you, instead of your army?
Peach: They do! Well, they at least try. They usually get past the first few levels but when they get to the harder ones, their numbers start dropping. Eventually, they perish.
Dr. H: What is your relation to Daisy?
Peach: We were roommates in college. Why she hates me is because, when we were roommates, she bought an expensive plant. She loved that plant more than anything. Then on spring break she went to Poshley Heights to tour the Poshley Sanctum- the hotel, the stars’ homes, and all of that- and she asked me to take care of her plant. I of course said yes. One day on the break I accidentally gave the plant hummingbird sugar water. On the day that she came back the plant grew extremely fast, then wilted. After that she never forgave me.
Dr. H: Audience question time! Seat 789,749
Podoboo: In New Super Mario Bros, why didn’t you run with Mario to your castle when it was attacked? You did make it through Super Princess Peach so don’t tell me you couldn’t keep up with Mario.
Peach: I had high heels on. In Super Princess Peach I wore running boots painted pink and used up 16 4-packs of foot gel.
Dr. H: And now, the Transblender!
Peach: WHAT?! You told me you wouldn’t use that!
Dr. H: Sorry, but it’s a tradition.
(Peach gets a Plexiglas dome under her and is carried into the Transblender)
Dr. H: Now to start the random being process.
Kurt: And the random is…
Dr. H: Shadow Queen!
Max: Wait a minute, if one host is Peach and the other is the Shadow Queen, then…
Dr. H: There would be a catastrophic explosion!
Toadit: Doesn’t the ship have a living computer running everything on the ship?
Dr. H: Yes! Computer! Stop the Transblender process at once!
Computer: Cannot stop process. Stopping process would cause rupture in system. Only security code can stop process.
Dr. H: No use trying to reason with the computer. It’s too late to use the passcode.
Computer: Process starting in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
Dr. H: Hit the dirt!
(The Transblender issues an explosion that sends shockwaves throughout the entire ship. In the audience, Snake sees that this is going to happen and the ! appears above his head. He runs out the door only to be mangled by the traps that Daisy missed.)
Computer: Electronic shockwaves damaging ship!
(The dust settles. Standing in the Transblender’s combination bay is Shadow Queen in her Peach form)
Shadow Peach: I have come to destroy this world!
Dr. H: Well, frankly I have to put to you, WE NEED OUR WORLD!
Kurt: We have a much bigger problem.
(Sirens are going off inside the ship.)
Computer: All systems down!
(The lights flicker off.)
Max: The power is out!
Dr. H: (pointing out window) We have an even bigger problem!
(Everyone looks out the window.)
Shadow Peach: This ship is falling!
(The ship is falling towards Plit.)
Dr. H: Our exact crashdown spot is: Mushroom City!
Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-
[to be continued]
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