Mimi: Welcome to Mimikins's Interviews! *giggle* Today I'll be interviewing that great nasty protector of a Pure Heart–
King Croacus: I am not nasty!
Mimi: Be quiet, you icky thing! And I was going to say Fracktail, but thanks for interrupting.
King Croacus: Oooooo-weeee-oooooo!
Mentok: I'll see you in court!
King Croacus: Oh dear.
Mimi: So, golly, let's bring out that dragon, shall we?
(Fracktail appears through the floor.)
Audience: AHHHHH!
(The audience runs away again.)
Mimi: You idiot! Look what you did!
Fracktail: SEARCHING DATA BANKS... POSITIVE MATCH FOUND. MIMI, SERVANT OF COUNT BLECK. MUST BE PURGED.
(Fracktail goes to eat Mimi, who changes to her spider form.)
Mimi: MIMIMIMIMIMI... Get away or I'll throw rubees at you.
Fracktail: COMMENT RECEIVED. SEARCHING FOR WITTY COMEBACKS... NONE FOUND. COMPUTATION ERROR.
Mimi: Ew, stop speaking like that, I can't understand you.
Rigel: Hard to understand anyone with a brain that size.
Mimi: WHAT?!
Rigel: Just continue.
(Mimi changes back.)
Fracktail: DETECTING POSSIBLE LEVEL 5 THREATS. 0 FOUND.
Mimi: ... Fracktail, speak properly or I'll throw rubees at your antenna thing up there, I know it's your weak spot.
Fracktail: SEARCHING FOR PROGRAM "ENGLISH.EXE". 1 POSITIVE MATCH.
Mimi: *sigh...*
Fracktail: There we go, do forgive the delay. Hm? You are a servant of Count Bleck? What are you doing here?!
Mimi: Interviewing you, you–
Fracktail: Then continue! I must return to Yold Desert immediately. But I will remember this meeting, evil one.
Mimi: Fiiiiine. And geez, I'm not evil anymore, just self-centered. Anyway, why were you chosen to guard the Pure Heart?
Fracktail: I am a model of the dragons of ancient times. The Ancients themselves built me. They decided a fearsome monster was a good way to repel intruders from a hidden treasure.
Mimi: And what relation do you have to Wracktail?
Fracktail: He is a newer model, so he would be almost like a son or nephew of mine. Nephew, most likely.
Mimi: And eww, what are those icky Frackle thingies on your back?
Fracktail: They attack intruders if they try to use me as a ride, or similar.
Mimi: They're disgusting, couldn't you have used anything else?
Fracktail: They were made along with me, so no.
Mimi: Why must you always "search" for stuff and why does it take so long?
Fracktail: My processor is too old.
Rigel: A 1,500-year-old processor... You might need an upgrade.
Fracktail: No! Upgrades are blasphemy!
Rigel: Actually they're smart.
Mimi: ... No denying that, you stupid ugly machine.
Rigel: HEY! I may be ugly but I'm not dumb!
Dumb Goomba: YEAH!
(Dumb Goomba is eaten.)
Rigel: ...
Mimi: Ick.
Fracktail: Chomp... Pardon that, I was hungry.
Mimi: Eww eww eww, I can take ugly, but eek, that was too much... But how can you eat if you're a machine?
Fracktail: Brain food. I have a prosthetic brain. And a prosthetic stomach.
Mimi: ... And you ate that guy because…?
Fracktail: I was hungry!
Mimi: Well, golly gee, you won't get any smarter.
Fracktail: Why not?
Mimi: ...
Rigel: ... He was a Dumb Goomba.
Fracktail: It does not matter. To strengthen the brain you do not have to feed it only brains, fools. Other organs are fine, too.
Mimi: I wish I didn't hear that.
Fracktail: The tastiest part of the body is bone tissue, though red blood cells come second.
Mimi: ... I feel sick...
(Mimi runs to the bathroom.)
----
Nastasia: So, why do you freak out when somebody says "pancakes"?
Clover: AAAAARGH!!!
(Clover starts chucking objects in all directions.)
Nastasia: Hmm, maybe I shouldn't have got right to the point.
----
(Mimi comes back to the interviewer chair.)
Mimi: Urp... ugh. Slightly better now.
Rigel: I hope you used mouthwash.
Mimi: Of course I did, silly. Ooh yes, let's get back to interviewing– Whaaaat?!
(Fracktail has devoured half the studio.)
Mimi: You can't do that! Waaaah! Now everything looks not pretty!
Fracktail: Dry wall and wood are quite tasty as well.
Rigel: Someone's in for a rough night...
Mimi: Well... I'll continue. I can do it. I think.
Rigel: As long as you don't hurl again, I'm cool, little'un.
(Fracktail continues eating the walls of the castle.)
Mimi: I won't. Fracktail– Hey, look at ME!
(Fracktail looks at Mimi for over five hours.)
Rigel: Sure got dark quickly.
Mimi: NOT THAT LONG! GRR!
Fracktail: You never specified a time period, little servant!
Mimi: Let's... just... keep... going. Why do you have that antenna anyway? And why is it so sensitive?
Fracktail: Again, another of the Ancients' work. It is my power source, and it collects solar energy, so whenever it gets dark– BZZZZT.
(Fracktail goes offline.)
Mimi: ...
(Mimi starts banging her head against the wall.)
Rigel: (on a cell phone) Hey Kamcle, get over here, quickly.
Kamcle: You rang?
Rigel: That was fast.
Kamcle: Well when you are the second-ranked Magikoopa on Plit, time is short.
Rigel: Make it tomorrow, please.
Kamcle: 50 coins.
Rigel: ... All right. *grumble...*
Kamcle: Thank you kindly. Now... SUNNYYYYYYY...
(Kamcle waves his wand, which fast-forwards to the next morning.)
Fracktail: SPEAK OR BE PURGED.
Mimi: Not this again...
One searching of ENGLISH.EXE later...
Fracktail: That's better.
Mimi: Do you know how much time you wasted, buffoon?!
Fracktail: More time than it will take to gobble you up, so spare me your anger or I shall eat you.
Mimi: I don't like you... Fiiiiine. So your antenna is solar-powered?
Fracktail: Yes. It makes me as strong of a defender as I am. When it is nighttime I go into "Sleep" mode.
Mimi: And why is it so sensitive?
Fracktail: It is the source of all my power! It keeps everything working. If it's hit too many times... I would cease to exist.
Mimi: Okies. How can you manage to loop-de-loop in midair, or even fly at all? You're so vast, and you hardly have wings.
Fracktail: Magic. Inexplicable otherwise.
Mimi: ... What about those feet you have?
Fracktail: They help me pull myself out of the ground when it is time to consume, or attack.
Mimi: Speaking of attacks, why didn't you realize someone could attack your antenna by throwing the Frackles at it?
Fracktail: Well who would be foolish enough to try to ride on my back to do so?
Mimi: Well as you come in from the side, they can jump onto your back...
Fracktail: ... Very well. I shan't be trying to do that again.
Mimi: Don't you have a real Heart Point value?
Fracktail: No. Do you?
Mimi: I recently acquired one. And don't ask me questions! I do the questions, not you! So button it! NYAH!
Fracktail: Rude little child, you are.
Mimi: Oh, I know, but let's keep moving! In the rhetorical sense. Why does your underbelly glow like that?
Fracktail: Like this? It shows how much health I have left. If it's very dim, then you can kinda guess how well I am.
Mimi: Golly, you're not too well then.
Fracktail: What?! Really?!
Mimi: ... Don't you check your own health?
Fracktail: Rarely. But now I need to replenish myself.
Mimi: Well too bad! You're staying here and not healing yourself until the end of the Interview! NYAAAAH!!!
Fracktail: Stop doing that! It annoys me.
Mimi: Never! Now, let's go to our cutie-pie hotline and see if we've got some questions for you.
Rigel: WHAT?! When did you set that hotline up?!
Mimi: Yesterday. Why? What's wrong with that?
Rigel: Someone is going to freak even worse than before...
Mimi: Gee, who cares about him? Now let's get our first question.
(Mimi picks up the phone.)
Mimi: Why golly, hello! What's your question?
Gloomtail: What relation does he have to me and my siblings?
Mimi: HEY! You're not a cutie-pie!!! Where are my cutie-pies?!
Gloomtail: I ate them! All of them! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!
Mimi: Whaaaaaat?! WAAAAAH!!!
(Mimi runs off crying.)
Rigel: ... Well, that solves that problem. I guess I'll continue from here. Gloomtail was on that end, he asked if you have any relation to him, Hooktail, or Bonetail.
Fracktail: No, I have not heard of them.
Rigel: And now we'll get the actual audience back.
(Rigel throws an Audience-in-a-Can at the far end of the room; it turns into a generic Marioverse audience.)
Rigel: Seat 1.
Goomba: How long did it take for the Ancients to build you?
Fracktail: 1 day, 5 hours, 3 minutes, 25 seconds, 567 milliseconds, 80 microseconds, 32 nanoseconds, and 121 picoseconds.
Rigel: That is... a surprisingly accurate amount of time. Seat 5.
Bullet Bill: Has your Attack value changed since you fought Mario?
Fracktail: No. I have lain dormant ever since.
Rigel: Seat 12.
Shy Guy: Why don't you smush enemies with your bulk instead of trying to eat them first?
Fracktail: My circuitry is on my belly! I am unable to body slam intruders without damaging myself on them.
Shy Guy: On... them? Doesn't the ground hurt you?
Fracktail: My circuitry was made to withstand the ground, but not other elements. However, my belly is still not as vulnerable as my antenna.
Rigel: Riiiight. Seat 54.
Koopatrol: What are you made of?
Fracktail: What do you mean?
Koopatrol: Your outer armor.
Fracktail: Mild steel and vanadium alloy, so I don't rust easily.
Rigel: Vanadium! Err... sorry. Seat 32.
Red Chomp: BARK!
Fracktail: My jaw has a force of 2,000,000,000T.
Rigel: ...
Fracktail: 2 gigatonnes. There.
Rigel: ... I'll let somebody else ask my question for me.
Boo: Can I?
Rigel: Sure. Seat 3.
Boo: How did you just understand that Chomp?
Fracktail: My CPU allows me to speak almost any language on Plit.
Rigel: Ah, guess that explains it, then. Last question, seat 10.
Boomboxer: How did you remember the Hero after 1,500 years of hiding in the sand?
Fracktail: My internal RAM is small but that's actually better; it's quicker to access.
(Mimi comes running in.)
Mimi: WAAAAAAAH!!! ALL MY CUTIE-PIES ARE GONE!!! WAAAAAAAH!!!
Rigel: Oh, brother... Uh, there there, spider-girl thingy, it's all right.
(Gloomtail bursts in.)
Gloomtail: WHERE'S THE PIZZA?!
Obstinate silence...
Gloomtail: Uh, wrong number?
Rigel: You know what makes a good breakfast?
Gloomtail: BACON!
Rigel: Yes... And something else.
Gloomtail: WAFFLES!
Lord Crump: I'LL KILL YOU!
(Gloomtail eats Lord Crump... then spits him back out.)
Gloomtail: Ugh, this thing is nasty.
Mimi: I'm feeling sick again...
Rigel: Ehh... Quick, end transmission, please.
Kamcle: ABRACABADRA!
(Kamcle turns the camera into a Bullet Bill. Which explodes.)
Rigel: Different.
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