At an unspecified artic military base...
Revolver Ocelot: The bag of bones is STILL working on the Interview project?
Francis: Yes. Now SHUT UP, I'm playing as you on MGO! Well... you with flowing hair... You get the idea...
(Francis ends the transmission to the military base. Ocelot hits his hand on the table.)
Ocelot: DANG IT! I'll never be able to break into the Mario crowd at this rate! Boss needs the extra exposure for his return, and random cameos ain't going to cut it! Some Super Koopa that Dryest is, barely pulling in enough views to call anything even decent...
(Ocelot begins typing on a computer screen.)
Ocelot: All right, gotta find some other sap to get publicity from...
(The old man is browsing the Super Koopas page.)
Ocelot: No, he's not on anymore, not touching that, disgusting, no... huh... This one's acceptable. All right...
(Ocelot boards a nearby helicopter and begins flying off.)
Meanwhile...
Fireball: Hmmm, for some weird reason, I'm in The Dryest Bones interview studio... Weird.
Kroshi: You got a message.
Fireball looks at his laptop
Fireball: Lemmy wants me to be in The Dryest Bones’s Interview studio. Well, I’m here.
Kroshi: I can't believe it's not fried chicken!
Fireball: Are you going to use that on your first line-
(Ocelot suddenly breaks through the wall of the studio with MISSILES. He casually walks in, the spurs of his boots scraping the floor.)
Ocelot: You're a tough man... fire... thing... to find.
(Before Fireball has time to reply, Ocelot pulls out a grenade and twirls the plug around on his finger.)
Ocelot: Now, it's time to make you an offer you can't refuse. I'm going to be assisting you in your next Interview. Forget about the talking bone pile or whatever Lemmy tells you. You do that, and you MIGHT just get out of this submission alive. Understood?
Fireball: Well, you can stop acting like this is an army base for starters. And I want to be in MY Interview show, though I see that's not going to happen.
Wario: Just tell as who you’re interviewing!
Fireball: Fine, me and... someone from The Dryest Bones’s crew will be joining me in an Interview. We will interview...
Someone passes Fireball a note.
Fireball: King Boo! Who's not that scary anymore, really.
King Boo and Ocelot: HEY!
King Boo: I mean, uh... BLEHEHEHEHEHEHE!
Ocelot: I am NOT associated with that useless numbskull!
King Boo: Suuuuure you aren't!
Fireball: Numbskull?! I am not a numbskull, and I'm pretty much useless!
Ocelot: You wanna know what the Underwhere REALLY feels like? I've got a nice little vacuum cleaner and a bunch of nails out back.
King Boo: Try it, mortal, and you'll be one of US! Blehehehehehe!
Ocelot: Cocky little-
(Ocelot is restrained by two Meowmaids.)
Ocelot: UGH! Get your hands off of me-
King Boo: Oh, shut up! You're wasting my valuable screentime!
Ocelt: Hmph... If I must...
King Boo: Good then...
Fireball: Um... King Boo... if that IS your real name...
King Boo: Which it is...
Fireball: Here's the first question, how come YOU’RE the king?
King Boo: Well, my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather got to be king, and then it just started to run in the family I guess. And if you’re wondering how he became king, we had a eating contest.
Kroshi: That's a great way to crown a king.
King Boo: I know, it's just great. I mean... BLEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE*COUGH*HEHEHE!
Ocelot: Ugh... Say it, don't spray it.
King Boo: Well EXCUUUUUUUUUSE me, Princess!
Ocelot: (Miserable little...) Al lright. There have been many presumed rulers of ghosts before you: Big Blue Boo from that one ghost house, Bigger Boo, and Big Boo from Big Boo's Haunt, just to name a few. What jurisdiction do you have over these spooks?
King Boo: Well, OBVIOUSLY, I am the master of all ghosts and ALL things spooktacular! Most of those morons are probably just useless wannabes who are trying to scare me out of my crown. Plus, apparently my rule doesn't spread to Yoshi's Island... Useless spooks!
Ocelot: And the one in Big Boo's Haunt? He DID have a crown and also kept the skinny screaming freak hostage...
King Boo: Blehehehehe... Yeah, I have a few useless subordinates who pose as me under different names, what of it? All know that I am the king, who cares about those other morons?
Fireball: I'm not even sure yet you’re the king.
King Boo: I am.
Luigi: MAN, this Interview stinks, like always.
Fireball kicks Luigi.
Luigi: What was that for?!
Fireball: For- Ah never mind, that joke does no good here. Anyway, on with the next question, what's up with you taking over the hotel in Super Mario Sunshine?
King Boo: It was pretty decent in there, plus it was cozy, so all of the Booss moved in, and Mario came to stop me. How did he know pepper was my weakness?
Mario: It... it was?
Ocelot: Technically, you were harmed by PIECES OF FRUIT in that battle. How do you go from being a near-invincible king of ghosts to being battered by bananas?
King Boo: You IDIOT! Did you not SEE my tongue on FIRE?! I was focusing all of my energy on GETTING THE FLAME OUT, even a GOOMBA could hurt!
(Goombas in the audience are writing that down with their apparently invisible hands.)
King Boo: STOP THAT, LEST YOU BE HAUNTED FOR ETERNITY! BLEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!
Goombas: Meep...
Fireball: You don't scare me.
King Boo: BOO!
Fireball: What was that?
King Boo: Grrrrr... I hate you two!
Ocelot: And what was with your... err... look in that hotel? Ya looked kind of... well...
Goomba #43: Stupid?
Ocelot: I was going to use another word, but that'll do.
King Boo: Blehehehe... You don't think I can ALWAYS look this handsome, do you?
Ocelot: Never knew you were attractive in the first place.
Fireball: I've got to agree with Ocelot on that one.
King Boo: Grrr! Well... the sun was hot, and drenched my and my pathetic minions' bodies with rays of light. It was EXHAUSTING just existing there...
Ocelot: Then tell me why you don't look like an exhausted pig in the hotter areas of the Mario Kart? Specifically Dry Dry Desert and Delfino Square?
King Boo: Blehehehehehe... You think I'd let those IDIOTS who run the race sign me up without some sort of cooling device? OF COURSE NOT, FOOL! That's why you see my in all of my glory...
Fireball: Gee, King Boo. You’ve got to stop complaining all the time.
King Boo: WHY-
Fireball: Next question, why did you use a Bowser robot to go against Luigi in Luigi's Mansion?
King Boo: I was trying to scare him, since Bowser is ugly. Plus, the robot had more power then I did.
Bowser goes over to King Boo and takes the crown off and breathes fire on it and throws the burning crown on King Boo.
King Boo: HELP! HELP! HELP!
Kroshi: Let's just see where this is going.
King Boo: DON'T JUST SIT THERE LIKE USELESS MORONS, SAVE ME!
Ocelot: How much do I get for it?
King Boo: YOUR SOUL SPARED FROM AN ETERNITY OF BURNING FIRE! NOW GET THIS OFF OHMYPOORGHOSTLYTAIL!
Ocelot: Oh, you're just TOO generous.
King Boo: FINE! FINE! YOU WANT MONEY, I GOT IT! NOW JUST SHUT UP AND SAVE ME, STUPID MORTAL!
Ocelot: Fine.
(Ocelot shoots the crown out of King Boo with his super revolver powers.)
Ocelot: You guys owe me for all that cash you're getting... Anyway, back to the Interview.
Fireball: I wanted money... but I'm rich... At least I think I am.
King Boo: FINALLY!
Ocelot: Pipe down or the big turtle comes back.
King Boo: Meep.
Ocelot: Do you take your orders from Bowser or from yourself?
Bowser: YEAH! TELL ME!
Fireball: Yeah, tell him, it could be worth my while.
King Boo: Uhhh... ummm... From y-y-y-y-you, of course, L-L-Lord Bowser.
Bowser: That's right! A minion who knows his place, cowering in fear before his king like a frightened child! Mwahahaha! I'm so evil.
(King Boo writes a note to Fireball saying, “Only when I feel like it. The Koopa Army's pretty powerful, so using it is... favorable.”)
Fireball: Why are you writing this note about Bowser to me?
Bowser: WHAT NOTE?
Bowser swipes the note from Fireball and reads it.
Bowser: Who wrote this?!
Fireball: You.
Bowser: Oh, well no one gets blamed but myself then.
Bowser sits down again.
Fireball: You’re welcome, King of Wimps. Next question, do you only have fifty Boos? Like in Luigi's Mansion?
King Boo: The other ghosts were made by the ghosts in those paintings. I only had fifty ghosts in that mansion because it was crowded enough with the other ghosts. And I do owe you from saving me from Bowser.
Fireball: All right...
Kroshi: What will you give Fireball and me?
King Boo: Awesome games and money, and what did you do?
Fireball: Shut up and give us our things!
King Boo: When the Interview is over I shall.
Ocelot: All right, well, I'm pretty bored with this whole charade...
King Boo: HOW DARE YOU?! I AM THE MOST INTERESTING CHARACTER NOT ALIVE!
Ocelot: Easy. I was just going to ask one more before giving it to the hotheads over there and the audience. Also, don't think about beating me up, Firefreak, there's a bomb under your chair that'll go off when you get off of it.
King Boo: Dude, ISSUES?!
Ocelot: Better to be overprepared than under. Anyway, what's with the whole “card deck” and gambling theme?
King Boo: WHEHEHEHEHEHE! Well... it's just fun! Why not? So thrilling to leave things up to chance!
Ocelot: Real villains make their own luck.
Fireball: I'm asking another question! Last question, who will be the new king when you are dethroned, which will probably be soon... wimp.
King Boo: WHY- (Keep your temper down...) My best minion, Gameboy!
Kroshi: Gameboy Boo?
King Boo: He was in Luigi's Mansion, I freed him... Wait... Was he in Luigi's Mansion...? I think he was... Oh well.
Wario: You’re boring the great Wario to sleep!
Mario: Yeah!
King Boo: You fools are no match for me! Except Fireball, Ocelot, Mario, Wario, Waluigi, Yoshi, Luigi, E. Gadd, and other random characters!
Ocelot: You're even more pathetic than I thought...
King Boo: BLEHEHEHEHEHE! I DARE YOU TO-
Ocelot: No need. If Waluigi can beat you, I have nothing to fear.
Waluigi: YEAH! WALUIGI IS NOT A LOSER!
Ocelot: You're still a freakishly deformed moron, but even you can beat this guy...
Waluigi: YEAH! WALUIGI'S NOT THE ULTIMATE LOSER!
King Boo: Why... you... LITTLE... GRAH!
Ocelot: Settle down. Now, just tell me your relationship with Petey Piranha, and we can all just let this go, all right?
King Boo: Fine. He's a dim-witted fool, but a strong one. At least he has a sense of pride, loyalty, and most of all, enjoyment. He's so... THRILLING to be around. Plus, he hates Mario, which is AWESOME!
Ocelot: All right, that's all we need out of you... right?
(Ocelot shoots a death glare at Fireball.)
Fireball: Umm... Now I wish I had L.O.G, or even WT... but more of WT. Ad you don't scare me, Ocelot. We have to pick seats and see what the audience thinks or whatever they do, or Lemmy will be on me yelling at me, like that time at Peach's castle.
Flashback…
Lemmy: That Interview needed a little more-
Fireball: JAZZ?! Ok! That's it, now you’re asking for it!
Lemmy: But-
Fireball punches Iggy.
End of Flashback…
Ocelot: Fine, I've got time, I suppose...
Fireball: Seat 342.
Iggy: I still remember that day! But my question is, why did you invite Mario and Luigi to the mansion?
King Boo: To show them, and everyone... I am the best ever! If I got Mario, I thought Luigi would be easy.
Luigi: Hey, I’m tough!
King Boo: Don't make me laugh! BLHEHEHEHEHE!
Ocelot: Seat 924
Whomp: Why ghost king have good relationship with crocodile king in Super Slugging game?
King Boo: Blehehehehe... Oh, K. Rool? Well, we both do an AMAZING job at capturing our respective heroes before the SIDEKICK steps up... ugh. Also, at least he had a strong arm that could crush that nasty gorilla!
Fireball: Man, you teamed up with THAT loser? Anyway, seat 45,235..
Toad: What's with you not attacking the Toads in the game Luigi's Mansion?
King Boo: Why waste our time? You guys were frightening yourselves, you guys made it look like you’d seen a ghost! BLHEHEHEHEHE!
Kroshi: Dude, stop with the laugh! It's lame!
King Boo: Shut up!
Ocelot: Seat 1,964!
Gourmet Guy: So... how do you taste?
King Boo: HUH?!
Gourmet Guy: I want to know if royal ghost has a more distinct flavor than regular Boos.
King Boo: Uhhh... No, I don't taste different. (I have a taste?)
Gourmet Guy: Oh... darn...
Ocelot: (He has a taste?) Seat 24!
Rawk Hawk: All right, moron, listen up! Ya gotta tell the Rawk here how you got in Mario Kart Wii over Petey, R.O.B., and all of those other losers... who RAWK HARDER!
King Boo: Blehehehehe... Let's just say I had friends who... spirited away the invitation?
Rawk Hawk: Lame puns don't rawk.
Ocelot: I agree with the lame chicken.
Fireball: Ok, I’m picking two more seats, and Ocelot can pick one more, then we’re done! Seat 525!
Boo: Why don't you pay the Boos any money?
King Boo: You HAVE to be kidding me! You guys get to live in a MANSION! That's good enough!
Boo: No it's not.
Fireball: Yeah, start paying your Boos better there, King of Nothing. And get out of here, Rawk Hawk, you’re lame.
Rawk Hawk goes out of the studio.
Luigi: You have the power to do that?
Fireball: If you remember my other Interviews, I do have the power.
Ocelot: The power to be a complete moron?
Fireball: Possibly. Now pick a seat, I can't take this king anymore!
Ocelot: All right. Seat 3,256.
Wario: HEY! LOSER! So how can you DRIVE a motorcycle? I mean, the whole NO FEET thing kind of makes it make no sense.
King Boo: Well, tubby, YOU certainly aren't going to reach the gas pedal with those little stubs you call feet! Blehehehe...
Wario: WHY I OUGHTA-
Ocelot: If you do, I will make EVERY moment of your life a living tragedy. You won't be able to look at your SOCKS the same way... Do we understand?
Wario: Errr... Yeah, I guess.
Fireball: Wario, you don't understand.
Wario: Right!
King Boo: Who said I was even DRIVING the thing? Who said I don't have someone possessing the vehicle to drive for me? Blehehehe!
Wario: CHEATER! HEY, EVERYBODY! KING BOO IS A BIG, FAT CHEATER!
Everybody: Look who's talking.
Wario: THAT'S DIFFERENT! I CHEAT THE REGULAR WAY! HE CHEATS THE UNFAIR WAY!
Everybody: You have a point.
Wario: I do, don't I?
Fireball: Last seat of the night. Seat MARIO352.
Mario: Did you REALLY think you could beat me?
King Boo: Yes... and I did... once.
Mario: Well... that was a cheap shot!
King Boo: Yeah, but who cares?
Mario: I do.
Luigi: And me.
King Boo: Shut up!
Fireball: Well that's the end of our Interview!
Ocelot: Good... Didn't think this would end!
Fireball: If you had to WHINE SO MUCH, why did you even bother?
Ocelot: Because annoying idiots like you is what keeps me alive.
Luigi: ... I think you've made it clear why everyone hates you and no one cares about you...
Ocelot: And that matters to me in the least?
Lemmy: Look... just get out, man.
Ocelot: Hmph.
(Ocelot sticks his gun behind his back. He fires it, causing the bullet to bounce off of the ceiling, over the audience's head, and eventually right into Lemmy's ball, popping it.)
Lemmy: Aw man!
(Ocelot has disappeared during this distracting, overdone sequence.)
Lemmy: ...
Audience: ...
Fireball: End transmission!
Everyone: ...
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