At Fort Francis...
Chuck: Hey, where's the boss?
MK-39: He's downstairs, preparing for the Christmas special with all of the official characters.
Yishotimi: That is TOTALLY unfair! We worked hard to be unofficial characters, being included in stuff, being subjected to torture, forced to wash the sludge out of his backbone!
Chuck: Uhhh... Only YOU did that...
Yishotimi: I haven't even appeared in any Interview that was even remotely good!
MK-39: Maybe DAD just hates you...
Yishotimi: SHUT UP! I say we take revenge and screw up his special!
Chuck: Why would we need to do that? He's a good enough guy...
Yishotimi: He videotaped that one time you were trying to do ballet and said you felt pretty.
Chuck: ...
(Chuck pulls out a giant axe.)
Chuck: HE'LL PAY!
MK-39: Yeah, let's roast 'im!
Yishotimi: Finally, after years... REVENGE TIME!
(All three are about to barge down a door... when the word "PAUSE" appears. A strange figure with a television that is displaying a game of Pong for a head and wearing a purple cloak for a body appears in the background. He then unpauses the scene, causing all of the characters to fall on their faces.)
Chuck: Ugh...
TV-Head: Greetings second-rate characters! I am the Lord of Games, creator of all videogames and, therefore, all spinoffs, like this interview. However, you inferior beings may call me L.O.G.!
Yishotimi: Even the bad ones? Or the overrated ones?
MK-39: Yeah, why did you have to make Halo? It made Microsoft strong enough to buy the Banjo series!
L.O.G.: SILENCE! All of you obviously don't understand that console fanboyism is all just part of the plan...
Chuck: You're still stupid.
L.O.G.: I am tired of your bickering, and have come here to settle this once and for all...
Yishotimi: Wait... You appear in that new Banjo game, right? WHAT IS A CAMEO DOING HAVING A GOOD ROLE IN A SUBMISSION?!
L.O.G.: Again, a series doesn't confine the imagination. Since I allowed games of that Italian fellow to be made, I am part of his continuity... in a sense.
MK-39: In other words, the author is writing himself out of a plothole.
L.O.G.: Hmph.
(MK-39 is turned into a pumpkin. Chuck is turned into a cheeseburger, and Yishotimi is turned into Wario. All three immobile objects try to flail around.)
L.O.G.: I'd prefer to keep them like this, but I suppose all of you would like to actually see an Interview.
(They are all turned back to normal.)
L.O.G.: Now, you will face my challenge. If you win, you'll probably get a bigger role. If you lose, you'll spend an eternity toiling at my Videogame Factory.
Chuck: Sounds perfectly reasonable...
MK-39: THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! THE AUTHOR IS BIASED TOWARD CHARGIN' CHUCKS, SO IT'S OBVIOUS WHO WILL WIN!
L.O.G.: Now, in classic Interview tradition, you shall all interview this completely useless and meaningless Goomba.
Goomba: Uhhhh... Hi?
Chuck: Uhhhh...
Yishotimi: So, Goomba, how can you hold things without hands?
Goomba: Actually, it's a very good secret. The truth of the matter is that-
L.O.G.: No, no, no! This won't do at all! There's no style! Readers today want nothing but to laugh at Interviews! You're all completely out of style!
MK-39: Then what are we SUPPOSED to do?
L.O.G.: Oh, forget it. All of you are useless, just GO ON VACATION OR SOMETHING!
Chuck: ... Hey, works for us.
(The three immediately go on vacation.)
L.O.G.: Well, that's one way to lose a bunch of random, unofficial, and generally useless characters. Oh, I suppose all of you actually want to see an Interview, and not just a shameless advertisement for the new Banjo-Kazooie game, correct? Very well...
(The Lord of Games teleports to a very strange realm where characters are blocky and resemble N64 guys, and the audience is lively and not enslaved, and generally, things look upbeat and bright.)
L.O.G.: Welcome to L.O.G.B.O.X. 720 interviews. Brought to you by Lemmy's Land Kart, it'll be a Drawing Board Creation eventually!
(A Lemmy's Land Kart ad appears on a huge screen behind the Lord of Games. The audience "ooh's" at a picture of Crazy Packers Fan ramming into Bowser as Blaze Koopa runs over some random Koopa Troopa.)
L.O.G.: Also brought to you by Klungo Entertainment, where ssssssstupid gamesssssssss can become bessssssst ssssssellersssssss!
(More "ooh"ing from the audience as an ad for "Hero Klungo Sssavesss Teh World appears onscreen.)
L.O.G.: Let's give a warm welcome to powerhouse, A-grade character, Luigi!
(The green plumber himself walks onto stage, seeming a lot more upbeat and happy than usual.)
L.O.G.: Welcome, Luigi. Please, take a seat. Thank you for being a worthwhile creation.
Luigi: Not a problem in the-a least! Luigi is number-a one! It's-a his pleasure!
L.O.G.: ... Actually, you're still pretty down there on the list. That genetically-altered super soldier and the cuddly green dinosaur are still better, according to the latest stat sheets.
Luigi: Mamamia! Are you sure those are-a right?
L.O.G.: With double-checking software, Smithy has confirmed that his list is correct.
Luigi: Darn... Well, let's-a go anyway...
L.O.G.: Gladly. Many wish to know why you are so cowardly... Care to explain?
Luigi: WHAT?! Nonononono, Luigi is b-b-BRAVE!
L.O.G.: Yes... Let's bring out Napper, shall we?
Luigi: W-w-who?
(A giant, green ghost appears over the stage.)
Napper: Yessss... Zzzzzzzzzzzz...
L.O.G.: Now, Luigi... Luigi?
(Luigi is cowering behind his chair. L.O.G. magically makes Napper disappear. Luigi then comes back onto the chair.)
Luigi: ... All right, I-a get it!
L.O.G.: Please elaborate on why that occurs.
Luigi: Traumatic experiences as a young-a toddler!
L.O.G.: Intriguing. In your time-traveling adventure, known to many as Partners in Time, your infant self seemed more than capable of handling himself. What exactly caused the dramatic change?
Luigi: S-S-Swoopers. Mario and I w-w-were playing in the sewers after p-p-playing with Peach, and then... YAAAAAAAHHHH!!!
L.O.G.: Very well. Will the Swoopers in the audience please take flight?
(All of the Swoopers immediately fly out of the audience.)
L.O.G.: Now...
(Luigi is gone. In his place is a scarecrow with a sticky note that says "Weegee" on it)
L.O.G.: Guards... *sigh*
(Two large rhinos wearing striped uniforms drag Luigi back to his seat.)
L.O.G.: Sir, I must ask that you refrain from trying to make this Interview even lengthier than it has to be, if you wish to remain not vaporized.
Luigi: M-M-M-M-M-M-M...MARRRIOOOOOOOOO!!!
L.O.G.: Yes, that leads me to my...
Luigi: H-h-he's... He's always been there for me... H-h-h-ee saved me from the-a Swoopers... He's-a always been there for me... through-a everything... Plumber school... The fights with-a Bowser... He's... he's always helped me-a through everything. He might not-a be the smartest tool in the-a shed... but he's always so strong... and I-a love him...
(The audience "Awwww...'s".)
L.O.G.: Delightful. That is a satisfactory answer. For that, I award you a comfortable pillow.
(Luigi gets a comfy pillow to cry into.)
L.O.G.: This may take a while. Activate intermission!
Several shameful hours later…
Luigi: A-a-and then... I s-s-s-saved the galaxy with my-a brother.
L.O.G.: Lovely story. Now, I believe the audience would like a few more questions?
Luigi: All right... I'll-a try.
L.O.G.: Thank you. Now, your brother grew to fame by fighting a gigantic ape on top of a towering skyscraper in a brutal battle for the ages, that ended in tragedy as Pauline dumped him, correct?
Luigi: I wouldn't-a put it like-a that...
L.O.G.: Where were you during this time and what do you think of it?
Luigi: I was on the-a job. Mario took the-a day off to go to the-a zoo and... well, I thought I owed him quite a lot. I thought, at the-a time, he was absolutely insane! Then again, I guess everyone in this-a world is...
(Luigi points to Lemmy and Iggy, who are looking at each other and mimicking each other’s movements. He then points to Waluigi, who is throwing darts at a Bob-omb.)
Waluigi: HEY! This is-a personal!
L.O.G.: So, what exactly do you think of the purple filler over there?
Waluigi: Why I oughta-
(Waluigi is turned into chicken.)
Waluigi: BA-GAWK! SQUAWKEY! CUCCOO!
Luigi: Well, I don't-a think much of him as a chicken...
L.O.G.: Before this incident...
Luigi: Oh. Well, the-a beanpole's a bit of a jerk, but he's really no big-a deal. Skinny, pretty pale and weak, not much going for him in the looks department... He's really not much.
L.O.G.: Except in Brawl, where he was an absolutely incredible assist trophy.
Luigi: Yes, except-a there... BUT LUIGI IS STILL-A BETTER!
L.O.G.: Very well. Do you enjoy guarding the homestead while Mario is away?
Luigi: Not-a really. It doesn't happen often, but Koopas attack sometimes when Mario and the princess are-a gone. The anxiety is-a murder!
L.O.G.: Understandable. How do you deal with those attacks?
Luigi: The great Luigi can squash any-a Goomba assault force!
Goomba: They were just a bunch of Goombas that were passing through! They weren't an actual army!
Luigi: But I KNEW they were-a spies!
L.O.G.: Whatever. Now, why is it that some say that if they stare into your eyes for long enough, they develop madness?
Luigi: What... Oh, you mean that thing on the-a Internet? That's-a just a fad...
Banjo: YIKES! MY EYES! HIDE THE CHILDREN, GRAB THE GRENADE EGGS, HANDLE THAT BIRD, CALL JOLLY ROGER!
Luigi: Errr...
L.O.G.: Second-rate game characters can be quite annoying.
Luigi: ... I guess fear, maybe? I have-a no idea.
L.O.G.: This question is a special request from fan "goldsportprincess531". What is your opinion on Princess Daisy?
Luigi: Oh, Daisy? Well, she's-a smart, absolutely beautiful, talented, a wonderful princess, caring, athletic, determined. She's-a nearly perfect and...
L.O.G.: ... You love her?
Luigi: WHAT?! Nononononono, we're just-a friends! I... I hold her in... high-a respect... Yes... yes, that's it!
L.O.G.: Do you think she would prefer Mr. L to good old Luigi?
Luigi: WHAT?! NO! That-a creep? I'll-a pound him if I ever see him around her!
L.O.G.: First of all, that's rather violent. Second, he is you.
Luigi: THEN I'LL JUST POUND-A MYSELF! Daisy is too good for me... and anyone else!
L.O.G.: ... That is what we would call "issues".
Luigi: S-s-s-shut up, p-p-p-please...
L.O.G.: Very well, touchy subject averted. Now, were you raised in the Mushroom Kingdom?
Luigi: No, Brooklyn. I think Mario and I were put down there for... some reason. Ya know, I don't even-a remember how we got there in the-a first place!
L.O.G.: Suspicious. Do you believe the Koopas did it?
Luigi: ... I just remember some-a old guy and a bunch of Shy Guys and... then a bagel... and then Brooklyn.
L.O.G.: Interesting. Your backstory far surpasses my original expectations.
Luigi: I-i-i-i-i-i-it does? That's... good...
L.O.G.: What do you think of Princess Eclair?
Luigi: She's-a neat. I hope she and her-a husband are-a happy. Best wishes to the-a Waffle Kingdom.
L.O.G.: Do you feel... say... ripped off?
Luigi: W-w-w-w-w...huh?!
L.O.G.: Normally heroes are rewarded for their deeds. You just... went home after the adventure with the Marvelous Compass.
Luigi: N-n-n-n-nno, I'm-a perfectly okay with-a that...
L.O.G.: Yeah. Right. I believe that.
Luigi: Good!
L.O.G.: Now, would you care to phone a friend or ask the audience some questions.
Luigi: I-I-I... ummmm... well... I... hmmm...
L.O.G.: The Rexes will go extinct if you do not hurry.
Luigi: Ohhh... Okay... Can we-a call Princess-a Daisy?
L.O.G.: King Boo it is.
Luigi: WAIT, WHY WOULD I WANT TO-A... NONONONONONONONONONONONO!
King Boo's Voice: BLEHEHEHEHEHUHUHUHYUCK!
Luigi: YAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!
King Boo: Hey Luigi! It's been a long time! You still scaaaaared of the night? You afraid of the dark, little man? Blehehehe...
Luigi: Y-y-y-y-ye... N-n-nNO!
King Boo: Right, right, right... So you wouldn't mind if I snuck a few spooks under your bed?
Luigi: NONO, THAT'S-A NOT NECESSARY!
King Boo: Heh... Thought so. Anyway, how stupid are you, loser? I mean, seriously, your brother doesn't return from a spooky mansion, Peach gets worried, and you go there ANYWAY?! What a moron!
Luigi: I-I-I-I... I was-a worried about Mario!
King Boo: You didn't even know he was there when you arrived!
Luigi: Oh... Right... I knew-a that... Uhhhh... I was-a hungry and Mario took the-a wallet?
King Boo: Nice try, idiot.
Luigi: IT WAS A MOMENT OF WEAKNESS! Ooh... Get down-a here so I can-a show you who's-a boss!
(King Boo appears in front of Luigi, taking up almost half of the very large audience.)
King Boo: You were saying?
Luigi: Meep.
L.O.G.: That's quite enough. Thank you for your time, King Boo.
King Boo: A pleasure! We're still up for poker, right Loggy?
L.O.G.: You attempted to cheat last time, and were kicked out of Mario Kart DS for that.
King Boo: IT'S NOT MY FAULT! BOGMIRE TOLD ME TO! HONEST! HE'S VERY PERSUASIVE!
L.O.G.: Leave. Now.
King Boo: *grumble* Fine...
Waluchicken: BA-GAWK... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! WHAT A LOSER! I GOBBLE AT HIM!
L.O.G.: You're one step away from being fried.
Waluchicken: Meep.
L.O.G.: This is the time that the audience may ask questions. Yes... yes, you, Creation #13254.
Gruntilda: How'd it feel being in a dress? By L.O.G., you certainly were a mess!
Luigi: IT WAS NECESSARY!
L.O.G.: You did not have to flaunt a fan at Bowletta and seem like you were enjoying it.
Luigi: ... It was comfortable.
L.O.G.: Very well. Videogame Hero in the back!
Cranky Kong: What's with all of your newfangled, co-op gameplay? We didn't need two characters in my day! Back then, we had REAL gameplay, where one person watched and the others gawked at his- shut up, Waluigi- skill! And the Wii will NEVER be popular, throws my back out...
Luigi: Errr...
L.O.G.: Allow me to try to rephrase into a question. Do you believe you are in Mario's shadow? If so, how does that make you feel?
Luigi: Well, I am THE Player-a Two. But, you know... awesome or-a not, Mario does get all of the-a credit. I'm-a just "that green guy with a couple fans", and that doesn't really go over well anywhere but-a Rogueport. So, yeah, I'm a little tired of and disappointed with being in my bro's shadow. But, hey, it's better than being in-a Wario's shadow!
Wario: HEY! I CAN'T HELP HOW MY SHADOW SMELLS! It refuses to get into the-a bath!
Luigi: As do you...
Wario: The Great Wario is so manly, his sweat purifies him! But he's also so manly that he rarely ever-a breaks a sweat! WARIO IS INCREDIBLE! WAH HAH HAH!
L.O.G.: You certainly are... Very well. The annoying one in the back.
Morton: How am I annoying, I have absolutely no idea what you could be talking about, pondering, or even considering, as I am Morton Koopa Jr, Sultan of Desert Land, fifth most popular Koopaling, and I am obviously better than Roy who is better than Wendy which makes me better than Wendy as well but then again most people are better than Wendy so I guess that isn't an accomplishment like that accomplishment set by Link every year in popularity contests even though he's overrated like most TV shows as I find TV to be lacking the flavor it once had as it's nowhere near as flavorful as wedding cake anymore which is odd because wedding cake is absolutely delicious and I should have it more because I'm so wonderful that everyone should marry me so getting back to your point, I am not annoying, unlike Luigi, who has the annoying Final Smash in Super Smash Bros. Brawl and what is that and how does he do it, I must know this so that King Dad can squash him and use it against him and-
(Morton's head turns into a metal block so he can no longer speak.)
Luigi: Uhhhh... What'd he say? I tuned out after "pondering".
L.O.G.: What is with your Final Smash?
Luigi: Uhhhhh... That's a good one... I don't know... I just kind of felt so afraid inside in that Brawl... I don't really like fighting, you know. I just wanted a nice, peaceful life with Mario and Peach and Daisy, maybe Bowser and Yoshi to liven things up occasionally. When I get that Smash Ball I... I don't know, I feel like laughing. Like... there's something that wants to break free. So... I dance to keep from doing it. The graceful form keeps me from losing my mind. I... I don't know what happened after that point, but everyone was down, so I thought I could at least win a little bit...
L.O.G.: Interesting. Quality villain in the back.
Revolver Ocelot: So, the old bag of bones finally cracked and let fanboyism get the better of him, eh?
L.O.G.: Stick to the prompt.
Ocelot: Of course, of course. You're a busy man, after all. Now Luigi, when I look at you, I don't see the cowardly man that most make you out to be.
Luigi: Y-y-you don't?
Ocelot: No, no. What I see you as is a vessel of power. You've got some serious darkness inside of your soul, it's been present ever since you came in contact with that spellbook. Now... why don't you release that, and give the world a show to remember? Just a... quick suggestion... that's all...
Luigi: W-w-w-w-w--what? M-m-m-m-me? E-e-e-e-e-evil?
L.O.G.: No trying to convert the interviewee to your beliefs! And will all of the cameo characters please leave NOW!
(The entire casts of Metal Gear Solid, Banjo-Tooie, and Kirby SuperStar leave the area.)
L.O.G.: Greatly preferable and much appreciated.
Luigi: Could I be? I mean... I hurt Mario and... the princess... Bowser, I smiled... but... what if...?
L.O.G.: I suggest you go back to questions you can actually answer.
Luigi: R-right. More, please.
L.O.G.: Very well, let's not waste time with these charades any longer. Why are the fireballs you shoot often green?
Luigi: That's-a just a little recolor job my-a gloves gave out after the-a Thunderhand incident.
L.O.G.: Why do you often not use your Thunderhand abilities? They could be quite useful.
Luigi: I... errr... kind of-a electrocuted myself when trying to change a pipe. Don't like-a using it anymore.
L.O.G.: Mario is known as "Jumpman", but you can jump higher than Mario. Care to explain how?
Luigi: Well, we were-a pretty similar in our first fight against Bowser. I wanted to be more-a useful to Mario, so I kept-a training hard while he relaxed, making myself slimmer and stronger in the-a legs. I was able to-a mess with the properties of my knees, making it easier to bend them. Sadly, it means it's a lot harder for-a me to stop once I come down. But then, Bowser attacked again and Mario complimented me for my jumping height, so it's just sort of-a stuck.
L.O.G.: You said in your diary you wanted to ride a tuna...
Luigi: HEY! THAT'S-A PRIVATE! HOW DO YOU-A PEOPLE KNOW?!
L.O.G.: Play Paper Mario again. Do you still desire to ride a tuna?
Luigi: ... Yes.
L.O.G.: Fascinating.
Luigi: I don't-a really think so.
L.O.G.: Do you have any goals or plans for the future?
Luigi: T-t-t-t-the future? Well... there's this-a one girl... and... well...I hope we can... uhhhh... become closer... yes, that's it! I wish to become-a closer with my friends! That's all!
L.O.G.: Admirable. Two more questions, and then you may go.
Luigi: Phew, thought this thing would never-a end!
L.O.G.: You're telling me. In the Good Egg Galaxy... why couldn't you just jump off the roof of a house to give a Star to Mario?
Luigi: Oh, I was just-a teasing him! Plus, I-a missed him.
L.O.G.: What about when you had to rescue yourself?
Luigi: That... was some sort of-a freaky parallel universe.
L.O.G.: Final question. Do you enjoy your life in the Mushroom Kingdom, and would you change anything about it?
Luigi: You know, as much as I love the-a Mushroom Kingdom... it's just so insane. I'd-a really rather live in Sarasaland, where it's-a peaceful and warm and generally beautiful, but... I don't want to-a leave my brother. My life is-a pretty nice in TMK, so I guess I'll just stick around for a little more of that-a chaos...
L.O.G.: Thank you for your time. Luigi Mario, everyone.
(The audience madly applauds for Luigi, who takes a bow... then falls on his nose and gets it stuck in a random plank.)
L.O.G.: You've been a wonderful audience. Good night.
Ocelot: End transmission.
L.O.G.: GET OUT OF HERE YOU-
Transmission Terminated
Whoops! You're not logged in! |