(Thwomp looks at the title.)
Thwomp: Are you seriously doing the diagonal moving Thwomp from the last fortress in Super Mario Bros. 3?
Slike373: Well, gee, if it’s the TITLE, of course I’m doing it. CUE DIAGONAL MOVING THWOMP.
Thwomp: WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. I’m already one of your favorite audience members, right?
Slike373: Meh, you could say.
Thwomp: So, we need to abbreviate his name, so it doesn‘t take up as much space!
Fourth Wall: YOU BROKE ME.
Slike373: Oh, right. DMT. There. CUE DMT.
DMT (above roof): I’m not going down there.
Slike373: Why not?!
DMT: CUE FLASHBACK!
Slike373: I’m the only one allowed to cue flashbacks!
DMT: Do you even want someone to interview?
Slike373: Fine, fine. CUE FLASHBACK.
(A flashback begins of SLIKE373 interviews SLEDGE BRO.)
Slike373: Okay, now I have to skedaddle before you two kill me!
(He flies away.)
Slike373: I still don’t know how my tail does that.
Hammer Bros: What?
Flying Boom Boom: For breaking the ceiling, Sledge Bro, you have to pay for the wholeIinterview.
Hammer Bro: WE COULD’VE FOUGHT THIS WHOLE TIME!
Sledge bro: No, Charlie, we should work together for once. By that, I mean HUNT DOWN THAT LYING TANOOKI!
(End flashback.)
Slike373: FOILED AGAIN. Err… How are we going to get you in, then? Thwomps can only move downward.
(DMT comes in through the door at a diagonal angel, and keeps changing diagonal direction until he/she/it lands safely in the chair.)
Slike373: … Oh. Right. I forgot about that.
DMT: Yeah, not many Thwomps can move diagonally. I’m the only one.
Slike373: That reminds me! How do you do that?
DMT: Wouldn’t it be a better question asking how Thwomps move in the first place, so I can explain better?
Slike373: DON’T INTERROGATE ME.
DMT: Fine. Bowser realized that the stairway lacked many traps, so he tried setting up Podoboos in lava, which failed miserably for obvious reasons; Roto Discs, which seemed too easy to dodge; and then a lineup of Thwomps over each step, which gave one of the Lakitus an injury; so h-
Slike373: Lakitu got an injury? I love this story already.
DMT: Err… As I was saying, Bowser decided to set up a diagonal moving Thwomp, so he just had one of the Magikoopas design me that way, because that’s how Thwomps are made. We’re just rocks brought to life by average Magikoopas.
Slike373: Ummm…
DMT: Having problems?
Slike373: I didn’t supply any backup questions. We already know everything interesting about you.
Flying Boom Boom: I wouldn’t say that. DMT, do you have a name?
DMT: No. I’m a stone brought to life by a Magikoopas. Bowser wouldn’t put in the effort to give me an ACTUAL name. But, if you wanted to, you could call me Thwomp Unit #8,429,386.
Flying Boom Boom: Oh, that’s sad… I think we should stick with DMT.
Slike373: Yeah… Audience. That works. Anyone else have questions?
Hammer Bro: Are you a boy or a girl?
DMT: Thwomps don’t have genders. I’M A ROCK MADE FROM MAGIC, FOR PETE SAKE.
(Slike373 is banging a red buzzer like an idiot.)
DMT: May I ask why you’re doing that?
Slike373: I’m saying your answer is INCORRECT.
DMT: How would you know if my answer is incorrect? It’s my Interview!
Slike373: If Thwomps don’t have genders, what is up with Mrs. Thwomp?
DMT: Augh, you seem to be a real moron. Mrs. Thwomp is only a boulder, not a Thwomp. She only has the last name because she married to Mr. Thwomp.
Slike373: Then if Thwomps don’t have gender, why is Mr. Thwomp called Mr. Thwomp?
DMT: It would be rude to call Mr. Thwomp an “It”, and people would immediately get the wrong message if we called “It” Mrs. Thwomp, so we just called “It” Mr. Thwomp.
Slike373: Oh, right. That makes since… Hammer Bro seems to have another question.
Hammer Bro: In Super Mario Bros. 3, you would be killed if Mario threw a hammer at you with the Hammer Suit, but you claim to be made of rock. Why?
DMT: Thwomps actually were only built to smash things. Bowser never bothered to give the stones a very powerful outer layer anywhere else.
Thwomp: Ooh! Ooh! Pick me!
Slike373: Uh, Thwomp, we’re kind of only learning about Thwomps here, not this specific Thwomp. What could you possibly have to ask?
Thwomp: Simple. DMT, was life as a Thwomp boring as you were forced to stay inside a fortress for long periods of time?
DMT: No. Thwomps that are made to live inside fortresses are created without the ability to complain about boredom.
Thwomp: So I’m guessing you’re bored to tears right now?
DMT: You bet! Now let’s get Slike373 to end transmission for us.
Slike373: That’ll be 199 coins.
DMT: I’ll just leave the room, then.
Flying Boom Boom: That’ll be 200 coins to refund Slike373 for his interviewee leaving before his job is done.
DMT: Permission to smash the interviewer until he becomes a pancake?
Flying Boom Boom: If you want to pay for the Interview.
DMT: So my choices are leave and pay 200, smash evil raccoons and pay 200, or make deals with evil raccoons and pay 199? I see the obvious choice.
Slike373: VICTO- OH BANANA MUFFINS.
(DMT smashes into Slike373.)
Slike373: End transmission! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS SWEET END TRANSMISSION.
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