Lancelet: Hello, people out there in TV Land! As you might have witnessed last episode, WT had a bit of a breakdown and left the show. Since Fireball couldn't find a replacement in time, I get to co-host this episode! And, since Amadeus the cameraman also left after the show and since Fireball's first mysterious cameraman is nowhere to be found, Endark's going to be filming in exchange for borrowing my copies of the first ten volumes of that manga One Piece.
Endark: For the record, the books are much better than the 4Kids version. ANY version would be better than 4Kids.
Lancelet: And today, folks, we've got one great guest! Instead of a regular Mario enemy, we've got a big and bad boss from Wario Land 4! Ladies and gents, give it up for... Cractus!
Everyone: Who?
Wario: Not even the great Wario knows who he is... and the great Wario should know who he is!
Lancelet: He's the giant plant you faced at the end of the environmentally-themed Emerald Passage. By beating him up, you got 1/4 of the needed power to open up the Golden Passage, as well as a few extra treasures if you beat him up fast enough.
Fireball: It seems I'm still stuck with Endark and Lance guy again. For just once I would like to get away from Endark! No one likes Endark! Not even Endark likes Endark!
Endark: Actually, I'm downright fond of myself. Now shaddup!
Cractus: Hello!
Mario: Who are you?
Lancelet: ... I just introduced him fifteen seconds ago, and gave a little more info to Wario just a moment ago. If you don't know who he is, at least PRETEND to know, for the sake of the show. Speaking of the show, let's start it up! Cractus, here's question numero uno for the day: are you a species of Piranha Plant?
Cractus: While I do enjoy eating a meaty snack now and then, I think I'm more closely related to Nippers. I wouldn't know for certain, though; I've been in that passage so long, in that secluded room with nothing but hyper-mega fertilizer, that I have no idea how other plant life has developed in the last... How long ago was the Golden Diva locked up in her own pyramid?
Lancelet: I dunno, a thousand years ago?
Cractus: ... Seriously? Man, it's sure been a while...
Mario: If I ate a ham 2 feet and 4 inches long, would I have eaten it?
Fireball: Yes, and next question, what's with the name?
Lancelet: Good question. I mean, I'd understand it better if you were a Pokey, since they're living cactuses.
Endark: It's “cacti”.
Mario: Who asked you?!
Cractus: Well I got it from my great grandfather, who used to battle Wario's grandfather!
Wario: The great Wario is amazed.
Endark: By the fact that treasure hunting runs in the family, or by the fact that your great gramps investigated the very same temple you'd visit centuries later?
Wario: Who asked you?!
Endark: Now, wait a second! I'M the one asking YOU!
Wario: ... Really? Well, then... No comment.
Fireball: Indeed.
Lancelet: Let's just continue the show, shall we? Cractus, how exactly were you able to survive the battle against Wario? It's obvious that you lived, since you're situated right in front of us, pot and all.
Cractus: Well, when I was trounced into the soil, the super growing abilities of the ground sped up my recovery tenfold, and allowed me to revive myself... but only after Wario had already dashed out with all the treasures of the Golden Pyramid. When the thing collapsed, the others and I barely got out alive... but we made it! All of us... well, except for the Diva. I guess it's true about captains always going down with their ships...
Wario: Who are you again?
Lancelet: I said his name is Cractus!
Endark: Actually, archer boy, I think he was referring to YOU.
Fireball: Heh... Jam and toast...
Luigi: That has nothing to do with the show! You never make any sense!
Buzzy. B: Jam!
Luigi: ... It's like talking to a tree.
Endark: We know exactly what you're talking about, Weegie.
Lancelet: I'm just surprised that Fireball actually kept his promise to hire that Buzzy Beetle.
Fireball: Next question, what are you planning to do now? Work with Bowser, maybe?
Cractus: I tried to get Bowser to hire me, but since he already had a lot of plants in his army, I didn't get the job. Then I tried to make my own crew, but failed. So, now I'm freelancing. Guarding stuff, cooking, office assistant... I'll try anything once.
Lancelet: A plant of all trades, I see. So, could you tell us a little about your family?
Cractus: Well, I never really knew much about them, since my parents shriveled up and turned to mulch while I was still a young sprout. They left behind a few books about my family history, which is how I knew about my ancestor's struggle with Wario's ancestor, but most details had been worn away with time. It was a lonely life, but I got used to it.
Fireball: Gravy... yummy and all sorts of things.
Luigi: As I said, it's like talking to a tree!
Fireball: You're fired for the day!
(Luigi leaves.)
Fireball: Next question, what are your hobbies?
Cractus: Well, I enjoy making statues in my spare time... which I have a lot of, as you know. I can make all kinds of minions! Shy Guys, Goombas, Koopas, Spinies-
Lancelet: Hey, that reminds me of a question I wanted to ask! Cractus, since you lived in that temple all of your life, you probably hadn't seen many of the creatures that inhabit the world. How did you feel when you first encountered them?
Cractus: Well, things were a tad awkward at first. I had a height and power advantage over most of them, so I certainly wasn't frightened, but to see such creatures for the first time... it was strange. I adapted to this new world, of course, but it took a bit to get used to its inhabitants.
Fireball: You know what I like? Random stuff. Which leads me to my next question; do you have an idol?
Cractus: My great grandfather, whom I was talking about just a minute ago. Though I only know what was written in the books, he was never scared of a battle, and would always put up a good fight. He never backed down once in his life... just like I did at the airport the other day!
Flashback...
Cractus: So, what's the in-flight movie?
Goomba Stewardess: Some flick called "The Great Star Path".
Cractus: Bah! I saw that film once, and I utterly hated it! I shall not stand for this!
Stewardess: Really? Well, maybe my friend “Bubba” could change your mind.
(The stewardess points to the Clubba, who's holding a rather large club and is standing beside her.)
Cractus: ... You know what? Never mind.
End of Flashback...
Cractus: ... Okay, that was a bad example.
Lancelet: Sounds like it, certainly. And now... Endark, how many questions have we asked Cractus so far?
Endark: How should I know, you spoony archer? I'm too busy running the camera and giving the occasional smarmy comment.
Lancelet: Well, I think it's about time that we let the audience ask their questions. Seat 9! Tileoid B: What's your flower pot made of?
Cractus: Clay, mixed with that strange mineral Buzzy Beetles rub on their shells. It's not completely invulnerable; if it was, Wario wouldn't have beaten me. But, it's sturdy enough for me.
Fireball: Endark's pay is raised by 2 coins, which makes your pay 6 coins plus a random book that you like.
Lancelet: Cool!
Waluigi: Hello!
Fireball: Seat Ho2.
Endark: If that seat's supposed to be chemical equation of water, somebody certainly made a typo.
Waluigi: What do you think of me?
Cractus: On a scale out of 1 to 10, 10 being best, you get a 7 due to your bad comments... but your good sportsmanship... which you don't have at all, really... Well, you’re nice... You know what? I'm giving you a 3 now!
Wario: Pepper and salt makes the great Wario sneeze!
(Just then, a loud screaming noise can be heard all across the land, even though the person screaming is miles away from the Interview studio. It sounds like somebody a long distance away is quite upset over something.)
Lancelet: ... Wow; WT must have better hearing than I thought. Who else would shout that loudly right after a Waluigi insult? Anyways, I pick seat 53!
Tileoid G: Excluding yourself and Mario, who do you think is the greatest of Wario's enemies?
Cractus: I'll have to go with Captain Syrup. Rudy the giant clown manipulated him, the Black Jewel used his own greed against him, Count Cannoli was a master thief, and the Shake King was almost equal in strength and ability to Wario himself. But, Syrup was the only one to actually take Wario's valuable treasure from under his nose and not have to give it back.
Lancelet: ... Sure are a lot of Tileoids today. Maybe it's a sign that we should allow R to be in the audience again...
Fireball: Only losers would do that, Lancelet! Tile guy B and G... YOU'RE FIRED!
(Tileoids B and G leave the Interview show.)
Lancelet: ... That was a bit mean, wasn't it? I mean, just because one of them is a little too similar to Endark-
Endark: That's not a bad thing, I'd like to add.
Fireball: And I like Count Cockroach!
Lancelet: ... Buh? You just lost me.
Endark: I'm starting to think that the wall would actually be a BETTER thing to talk to.
Fireball: Seat 42!
Endark: Because referencing "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" just NEVER gets old... Viewers at home, please note the biting sarcasm in my voice.
Wario: I hate Tileoid R, too! Anyway, the great Wario must ask, what's your biggest fear? I don't have any! ... Well, that I know of, at least.
Cractus: Well, Fireball's random outburst a few seconds ago reminded me just how much I hate...*gulp*...cockroaches! They're so... GROSS! They burrow into the dirt I'm getting nutrients from, eat any decaying leaves I happen to drop... Those things make me SICK!
E. Gadd: *sigh* Now who's tough? And Wario, you disagreed with Fireball, and that makes no sense.
Fireball: You're fired for two Interviews!
(E. Gadd leaves.)
Endark: Well, would you look at that? One of the few guys that's defended Fireball, and he gets the boot! I swear, if I ran this show...
Fireball: What?
Lancelet: Oh, great. We'd better finish this up fast; Endark's lost it. Seat 2(x+1)-3(2x-1)(3x-5)!
Wario: ... Math geek.
Fireball: What Wario said.
Dr. Freezegood: If you HAD defeated Wario, what do you think would've happened to you?
Cractus: Well, the Pyramid would still be standing, and I'd still be the guardian of the Emerald Passage. I'd have no choice but to, pardon the pun, "stick to my roots" until the day I wilted.
Lancelet: And now, the final question of the night! Fireball, you can do the honors... again.
Fireball: Why, thank you. I think I got an awesome new co-worker... and... your pay is 90 coins, and it comes from Dr. Freezegood's pockets.
Dr. Freezegood: Oh, come on!
Lancelet: I'm taking an audience member's money?! This just doesn't seem right!
Endark: Don't worry, Lance; as a direct connection to a monarchy, I'll be sure to straighten this all out later.
Fireball: Seat M29.
Mario: Did you really think you could beat Wario?
Cractus: I was so sure that I could, I bet my friends I would win. My bet was 290 coins... What a waste that was.
Lancelet: I thought you were stuck in that room by yourself... Not to sound hurtful, but when did you make friends? Or earn 290 bucks?
Cractus: I thought that Mario just asked the final question!
Lancelet: Well, what you said earlier just bugs me, okay?
Cractus: Fine... A Keyzor, and that bug that accidentally cured Wario of zombification, used to sneak into my room through a crack in the wall and hang out with me. As for the money... I'm a guardian of a building filled with treasure, and I felt that I was entitled to a share of the goods for my hard work. I didn't think the Diva would mind; it's not like I could've spent it anywhere.
Fireball: Well, that's the end of the Interview show, everyone!
Mario: DANG!
Fireball: I know, Mario. I would like to thank Lancelet, Mario, Wario, and Buzzy Beetle, but I'll tell you who I will not thank... a chair.
Endark: ... Well, forgotten is better than being criticized, I guess.
Buzzy. B: I just love this show!
Fireball: We all do. Now you, Mario, Wario and me are going to steal Luigi's stuff. And Lancelet.
Lancelet: I already told you guys, I'm not going to support this criminal activity!
Wario: Actually, when he said “and Lancelet”, he meant that you're going to be stolen along with Luigi's stuff, not that you're going to help steal Luigi's stuff with the rest of us.
Lancelet: Well, I guess that's not as... Hey, wait a-
(Wario stuffs Lancelet into a sack and runs away before the archer can finish his sentence.)
Fireball: End transmission!
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