(Morton is sitting in a chair in the middle of a large open opera house that is completely empty.)
Morton: I wonder where my interviewer is. It’s annoying that he’s late by… *looks at clock* four hours and two minutes. Maybe I should interview myself, since I don’t think my interviewer is coming because he probably went to someone else who has my name, but that’s unlikely because I have such an uncommon name that I bet not a single soul on the face of our beautiful planet has my name, because…
Meanwhile, back at the royal graveyard...
Interviewer: Honestly, sir, I’m starting to get the message that you’re ignoring me. I’m going to give you a few more minutes to respond to my previous question. I dragged the ENTIRE audience over here, and we expect answers.
Morton Koopa Sr’s grave: …
And back at the opera house...
Morton: …and that’s why I realized I should interview myself, so let’s get it started because I have time, because I…
(Morton puts on a top hat that says “Morton #3“, and a fake moustache)
Morton #3: Why sir, would you PLEASE shut your yap and get on with the Interview?
(Morton puts on a Chargin’ Chuck’s helmet that says #2.)
Morton #2: Gah, shut it, we have plenty of time, but it would be better if he didn’t talk so much.
Morton #1: I don’t talk that much, I mean, the stuff I say is usually really short, since my lines usually only take up two or three lines on the script, compared to every other script on Lemmy’s Land, where the people just talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, and…
Morton #3: SHUT UUUUUUUUUP!
Morton #2: Fine, fine, we’ll ask a few questions. Morton, if you talk so much in She super Mario Brothers television programs, why do you not say a word in the games, or even have any indication of your personality outside of the show?
Morton #1: Dad told us not to talk, because his good buddy Ganondorf imported some rabbits that are sensitive to sound, but I told him how unfair it was in a long rousing speech, and all the rabbits exploded, so Dad just gave me a magical invisible muzzle, and the others…
Morton #3: HE ONLY ASKED ABOUT YOU, DOLT. WE DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR SIBLINGS.
Morton #2: Now now. Morton, hold tight. I’m sure Morton had good intentions.
Morton #1: Yes, yes I did have good intentions. I just wanted to show you the reason none of the others spoke a word in the game when I was the only one who got a muzzle, because the others didn’t give the speech, and then Dad was mad, so he gave me a muzzle, and….
Morton #2: Okay, I’m supposed to be a professional reviewer who can stand the most annoying people, like Roy because he just beats everyone up, which is annoying, because the pain is uncomfortable, because…
Morton #3: THE BOTH OF YOU, GET ON WITH IT.
Morton #2: All right, I’ll ask him a question, because that’s what an interviewer does, because…
(Morton #3 cracks his knuckles.)
Morton #2: Umm… So, Morton. Why are you brown, when your siblings are all orange? It just doesn’t make sense!
Morton #1: Oh, I LOVE when people ask this question! One Christmas, Roy was so nice, he got me a tanning bed, and when I used it later, the latch was faulty, and I was trapped inside for an hour or two, until Iggy and Ludwig made their own latch. The funny thing was, I didn’t see Roy for the rest of the day, but I think he was innocent, becau-
Morton #3: You anger me. You REALLY anger me.
Morton #2: Err, right. So, Morton, you talk a lot, and you live in Desert Land. Do you ever get sore throats?
Morton #1: For the first three years of my life, but I eventually got used to it.
Morton #2: You were talking for the first three years of your life?
Morton #1: Nah, I just spent a lot of my time crying loudly, but I can't remember, bec- I'll stop now.
Morton #2: No, go on! It's interesting.
Morton #1: No, I mean I was three years old, I don't know why I cried.
Morton #2: Oh. Well, I guess I'm a bit stupid for asking that question, so let us... Morton #3 scares me.
(Morton #3 is sharpening a rock.)
Morton #2: Okay, Morton, the semifinal question, the big Kahuna, the pathetically easy fight before the last boss, unless you're in Super Paper Mario, because the last boss is weaker than a Goomba.
(Morton #3 uses the rock as a tooth pick, staring angrily at Morton.)
Morton #2: Err, anyways, why do you have that star birthmark? And where’s your hair?
Morton #1: Oh, it’s like you know ALL my favorite questions! The star birthmark and the lack of hair is the same story, too. See, Ludwig tried experimenting on me with a flaming Power Star to make us more powerful, and then it actually left more of a scar on my beautiful face, and burned my hair down too, but it makes me wonder why Koopas have hair if they’re reptiles, because r-
(Morton #3 lifts his sharpened rock.)
Morton #2: Okay, okay, let's stop all this. I have a final question for Morton, the grand finale, the climax of the story, the core of the planet, the heart of the body, the-
(Morton #3 throws his rock at Morton #2.)
Morton #2: Wait, how did I throw a rock at myself, if I'm just changing between outfits? I'm confused.
(He turns into Morton #1, and nods.)
Morton #3: Well Morton, it's because you're such an idiot that you would never point out that you were talking too much, so everyone would be bored to death by the time they get to the actual good part of this Interview.
Morton #2: What's the best part of this Interview? Wait, why am I asking you, I should ask Morton.
(Morton #3 moves down a zipper all along his body, and is revealed to be Roy.)
Roy: THIS!
Morton #2: I DON'T GET PAID ENOUGH FOR THIS!
Roy: I DO GET PAID ENOUGH FOR THIS!
Morton #1: I DON'T GET PAID AT ALL!
Roy: END TRANSMISSION!
(Roy punches Morton in the face, ending his mental transition.)
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