Endark: Greetings, fellow thespians! ... If there are any thespians actually WATCHING this absurd program, that is. As some of you know, my name is Endark, and I'll be today's co-host.
Wario: Aw, man! Not THIS guy again!
Endark: Yes, it's me. WT's in a sleep-induced coma due to participating in too many Interviews, and Amadeus is still angry that Fireball completely forgot who he is. So, unless somebody else walks into this studio and requests a job, you're stuck with me.
(At that moment, a teenager wearing a brown-colored version of Robin Hood's clothing, complete with a bow and arrow, enters the studio.)
Random Archer: Uh, hello? My name's Lancelet Cabal, and I heard a rumor that this show was in need of more co-hosts. My dream is to become a police officer, but I think something like this would look good on my resume for when that time comes.
Endark: ... Nice timing. You're hired, kiddo. If anyone needs me, which is highly doubtful, I'll be at the local bookstore.
(Endark leaves the studio. Lancelet approaches Fireball.)
Lancelet: Wow, this is so COOL! I haven't really watched your show before, but anyone who's got his own spot on a TV network has got to be completely AMAZING! Just tell me what to do, and I'll do it in a heartbeat, new boss!
Fireball: Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah... woah... woah... First rule, shut up! I don't care about what you do or anything, it's all about me!
(Lancelet nods.)
Fireball: Second rule, Mario and Wario are the awesome people sitting there, and they say funny things for some reason. When I say 619, give me a cookie that's right next to you, and then when I say lemon pie, eat a lemon pie. If you don't like it, I DON'T CARE!
Mario: A LOT of rules.
Wario: Don't mess up... A lot of pressure, loser. The great Wario should be interviewing, though!
Fireball: Where's the new guy? You know... had a spear…
Wario: No idea.
Mario: I thought that guy with a gauntlet for an arm said that Spear Guy was still angry that you forgot who he was.
Wario: Maybe, but who seriously cares what that loser says?
Lancelet: ... I know I'm supposed to shut up, but... who are we interviewing today? Is he or she famous? As popular as you?
Fireball: NO one is as popular as me... Wait... MARIO!
Mario: Oh no!
(Someone passes a note to Fireball.)
Fireball: We're interviewing Toadsworth, you loser!
Wario: Toadsworth? Who's Toadsworth? That's a weird name... Toadsworth...
(The character in question walks onstage.)
Toadsworth: You called?
Lancelet: Greetings, honorable royal advisor to the princess of the Mushroom Kingdom! It's such an honor to have you on our show... even though Fireball's much more popular and cooler. At least, if what he says is correct. Anyways, let's get on with the questions! First off, your head... Does everyone in your family have a brown Shroom with white spots on their head?
Toadsworth: Everyone on my father's side, at least. Genetics, and all of that other scientific stuff, you know.
Fireball: This new guy is pretty good... maybe... Or maybe I like him because I made him think I was cool!
Wario: Awesome.
Fireball: Next question then, what do you think is the best game that you were in?
Toadsworth: That would have to be Mario and Luigi: Partners in Time, even though I worried so much that I fainted before the adventure even began. It was nice of Mario to bring me a 1-Up Mushroom... some kind of Mushroom, anyway. Back on topic, I got to see my younger self and Baby Peach, which I thought was certainly amazing, even though she cried and I was about to explode and... and... well, that's about it, really.
Lancelet: I admit, it sounds kinda fun to meet your past self... although my past self might be too nervous to talk with me... and I'd be constantly fearing that I'd cause a world-ending paradox. But, that doesn't matter right now! Now Toadsworth, I've played Mario Party DS before, and on figurines of items like the Barrel Sign, there's a message stating that you had something to do with it, even though you never actually made a single appearance in that entire game. Is that true?
Toadsworth: Of course!
Lancelet: ... “Of course”? That's it? No explanation on WHY you did so much stuff that's never actually seen in-game?
Toadsworth: You never asked, lad. But since you seem to be curious about it, after I heard that Mistress Peach and her cohorts had been shrunk, I made it my duty to make sure that their path to King Bowser was a tad easier than it would've been otherwise.
Fireball: You're lame. Mario always, and I mean ALWAYS, finds a way to beat up, win, get a Star-
Mario: Oh, stop, you're making me blush!
Fireball: Next question, are there any games you wish you were in?
Toadsworth: Super Smash Bros. Brawl, my boy. I would like to help Peach in any way possible.
Fireball: Is that all you care about...? Peach…?
Toadsworth: But of course.
Lancelet: Talk about dedication. I know that I'd sacrifice my very life in order to protect my dear, gracious mother! ... But, I won't get into details, since I'm bound to bore the audience if I do. Now, Toadsworth, if you're so eager to protect the princess, how come you didn't even make a single appearance before Super Mario Sunshine?
Toadsworth: Well, it's somewhat complicated. In the past, when Peach was just a baby, I was just as dedicated to protecting her then as I am now. But, after traveling to the future- which is now the present- and back, I got reassigned. Apparently, even if she was neither in Bowser's nor the Shroob's clutches, taking his daughter through a hole in the space-time continuum made the king rethink my position. Around the time of the Delfino Isle vacation, though, I was forgiven, and have been trying my hardest to keep the princess safe ever since.
Fireball: I have no idea what you were saying, and the only appearance you made in Suhshine was worrying about Peach.
Toadsworth: Shut up! What I do is none of your-
Fireball: Butter?
Toadsworth: What?
Fireball: Butter... What I do is none of your butter! You’re sitting in my I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, with new flavor... butter!
Lancelet: ... BWAHAHA!
Mario: ... You thought that was funny?
Lancelet: Well, I KNOW that Fireball thinks it's funny.
Wario: What a suck-up!
Fireball: Next question, how can Peach afford that plane… or that baseball stadium... or all of that other stuff she's known to own?
Toadsworth: As a royal figure, she is allowed to charge taxes on her people, which will be used to improve the kingdom. The plane, for instance, was bought in order to visit faraway countries and establish bonds with them. I admit, some purchases are a tad... meaningless... in the long run, but most of the purchases are for the greater good! For example, we just gave a rather generous donation to our local military, so they can better defend themselves against the Koopa army.
Toad: YOU DIDN'T PAY US VERY MUCH!
Toadsworth: Well, you don't do your job very well, so let's call it even, shall we?
Mario: ... Wait; why aren't we asking Peach herself about this?
Lancelet: Do you think SHE would really admit why she's been using tax dollars to buy sporting goods instead of a decent army?
Mario: Good point.
Lancelet: Next question, did you ever have a girlfriend?
Toadsworth: No.
Lancelet: ... Just “no”?
Toadsworth: Yes, just “no”.
Lancelet: What about Lady Lima? I hear she likes you.
Toadsworth: True, but I don't really like her back.
Fireball: But you hugged her at the end of Mario and Luigi: Superstar Saga.
Toadsworth: I was just being nice.
Wario: You're impossible.
Fireball: Agreed. Next question, I see you did not appear in Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars... Instead, they had this other guy, the Chancelor... Why?
Toadsworth: Mainly because I was reassigned, as I told you when asked about why I wasn't in a majority of the games. As for why the Chancellor took my place, well, that's another story. At the time, he was the second oldest, and it's tradition for the eldest of the Toads to be the princess' protector and such. Sadly, it wasn't long after that game when he passed Away.
Fireball: How old was he when he... Game Over-ed?
Toadsworth: ... What are you talking about, lad? He did not “Game Over”, he passed Away. You know... passing "The Away" to the other side of Plit...
Fireball: What's that?
Lancelet: Some grand obstacle... maybe a canyon, or a big mountain, or something. I was never really good at geography. Now, let's move on to audience questions! Seat 4.
X-Naut: Dude, if you witnessed the Shroob invasion in the past, why didn't you make preparations for when the future would be affected?
Toadsworth: Simply put, I didn't want to create a paradox large enough to change the entire course of history... even if it meant that Peach had to use that dangerous time machine, face those evil Shroob Princesses, and get herself kidnapped. At least I knew in advance that she would be perfectly safe in the end!
Fireball: I need to get better co-hosts than Endark, that new Shy Guy, and this guy.
Lancelet: B-but I thought you l-liked me! *sniff*
Fireball: ... WHY CAN'T WT WORK HERE WITHOUT ME GOING THROUGH THIS TORTUE?! ... I'll put him in a... cage on fire... Awesome...
Bowser: Is it just me, or are you talking to yourself out loud?
Fireball: Bad breath! Seat BB90.
Bowser: That's me... Awesome... Do you have any idols?
Toadsworth: Not at all... Well, maybe Mario. His hero things give me a boost to be strong, and brave, and all that other stuff.
Fireball: Lemon pie.
Lancelet: I remember this one!
(Lancelet grabs a lemon pie that's sitting on a nearby table and eats the whole thing within ten seconds.)
Lancelet: ... Surprisingly tasty, but I'm bound to have a stomach ache after this show's over. Seat 51, it's your turn!
Buzzy Beetle: Which do you think is the better power-up: a Fire Flower, or a Cape Feather?
Toadsworth: Cape Feather, undoubtedly. Not only can you fly with a cape, you can also use it offensively against your foes... Plus, I'd probably set myself on fire with the Flower.
Fireball: I'm starting to like you, Lancelet...
Larry: Because he ate the lemon pie?
Fireball: Pretty much, yeah. Seat 932,897.
Toad: When you retire, who's the next protector for Peach?
Toadsworth: Why, that would be YOU, Toad.
Toad: Awesome! A better paycheck!
Toadsworth: Not really... Just an extra coin or two.
Lancelet: Seat 798,239.
Tileoid R: Peach has you, Bowser has Kamek, Queen Bean has Lady Lima, and Rosalina, if she counts, has Polari. Does EVERY royal figure have an elderly guardian of sorts?
Toadsworth: Actually, no. Most figures of authority feel like they don't need the added protection. For example, Princess Daisy feels that having somebody to watch over her is too old-fashioned for her, and Wario, whenever he's taken over a kingdom, can handle anything by himself with his own strength.
Wario: Because the great Wario has power and speed!
Fireball: ... Just say power! No speed! Seat RandomRandompuddingballons983.
Goomba #444: Why does the castle change a lot? Sometimes it's huge, like in Super Mario 64, then it's smaller, like in Mario and Luigi: Partners in Time. You have a room in THAT game, but not in others, and so on and so on.
Toadsworth: The princess likes to... er... try different things. So she'll change the furniture, make more or less room, and such. Thankfully, we have the funds necessary to do so.
Toad: Yeah... Funds that would be better spent on stuff that'll make sure the castle isn't blown to pieces by the next game!
Toadsworth: Oh, shut up.
Fireball: 619 and lemon pie.
Lancelet: Got it, Boss!
(Lancelet gives Fireball a chocolate chip cookie with one hand, and scarfs down a lemon pie that he picks up with the other.)
Lancelet: Second to last question of the day! Seat 111!
Barribad: What's your favorite game to play?
Toadsworth: Well, I prefer the classical games, like Checkers and Monopoly, over the more modern video electronic stuff. After all, they're fun, I can play them easily, and I never have to worry about a lightning storm cutting the game short.
Lancelet: And now, the grand finale... Right, Mr. Fireball?
(Fireball eats his cookie and gives Lancelet a thumbs up.)
Fireball: Seat Mario029.
Mario: Did you really think you could... No... You're a good guy! NOOOOOOOOOO! Um... Why didn't you come to Littlefungi Town with me, Luigi, and Peach? Oh yeah, I ate a Mushroom that made me-
Toadsworth: Don't spoil it for others, Master Mario.
Mario: ???
Todsworth: Never mind... I didn't want to spoil the party for Princess Peach with my worrying. Besides, she had your protection, which I thought was enough...
Wario: I think she deserved what happened!
Fireball: She does in every game... Well, everyone, that's the end of the show!
Mario: DANG!
Fireball: I know, Mario... I'll see you next time with some random helper, as me, Mario, Wario, and Lancelet steal an HDTV!
Lancelet: Steal a... HOLD IT! As a man who has been wishing his whole life to join the police service, I cannot approve of such an action! To commit such a crime would not only be unlawful, but offensive to the factory workers, glassmakers, technicians, miners, and everyone else that made building such a machine possible! Resume bonus or not, I QUIT!
(Lancelet angrily storms out of the studio. After a few seconds, he storms back into the studio, grabs a lemon pie to eat for later, and storms outside again.)
Wario: Well, there goes the best suck-up I've ever seen...
Fireball: End transmission.
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