Once upon a time…
There was a very twisted man, who loved to see those close to him suffer.
The man joined an online carnival and soon died afterward.
However, he enjoyed tormenting too much, especially to entertain others.
So his soul and bones remain in that carnival to this day...
THE DRYEST BONES INTERVIEWS
Book of Bone
Chapter 2: Jungle Fever 4Ever
Kamek: ... All right, WHAT IN THE WORLD WAS THAT?!
The Dryest Bones: WHAT, CAN'T I MAKE REFERENCES TO OBSCURE ANIMES THAT NO ONE WILL EVER CATCH?! Except that one girl... and those guys... and Francis.
Francis: WHY, MYTHO, WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?! THAT ENDING, THE DRAMA... IT ALL ADDED UP TO SUCH A TRAGIC, YET SATISFYING, CONCLUSION! WHY DID YOU PICK HER?!
The Dryest Bones: See? He's happy! He's reminded of his heartbreak from watching that anime... the name of which I won't mention to drive people crazy. ^^
Yishotimi: *sigh* Princess Tu-
(The Dryest Bones spins around the Poltergust 3000 in front of the ghostly Rocky Wrench)
Yishotimi: ... Shutting up now.
MK-39: Still, the intro was overall screwy, did little to advance the plot or entertain, and was way better last time when you failed to make fun of soap operas and Metal Gear.
The Dryest Bones: ... METAL GEEEEUUUUURR!
MK-39: ... Am I the only one who thinks that he's actually gotten DUMBER since he came back after, like, a year of "forgetting" to submit?
Kamek: His brain has turned to cheese from too many bad Youtube videos... Not that he had a brain to begin with...
The Dryest Bones: ALL RIGHT! NOW LET'S ACTUALLY BEGIN THE INTERVIEW!
Kamek: Look... I'm going to interview. It's obvious that you don't have the mental capacity to lead your merry bunch. I mean, you lack continuity, structure, and are referencing things that people won't get!
The Dryest Bones: ... METAL GEEEUUUUUR!
Kamek: Ugh... Whatever... Who is it that this loser booked?
Francis: The idiot who lost to a Goomba in Roy's Sports Hall.
Yishotimi: OH YEAH, THAT WAS HILARIOUS! I think he broke the hearts of all of his fans with that loss...
(DK suddenly bursts through the doors of Fort Francis.)
DK: DONKEY NO LIKE FIRE! THEY CHASE DONKEY WITH FIRE!
Kamek: Who?
DK: DONKEY'S FANGIRLS! Or ex-fangirls... Donkey forgets... Got any bananas?
Kamek: That's what that guy is paying you with.
The Dryest Bones: COLONEL! WE'VE MANAGED TO AVOID DROWNING!
Francis: Ex Dee, man!
DK: ... What's wrong with-
Kamek: Nobody knows... Well, shall we get started?
DK: Donkey thinks yes.
Kamek: Very well then...
(Kamek teleports Donkey Kong and himself to the Interview studio underneath Fort Francis. The Swanky Swing from DKC2 is playing.)
Kamek: WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO KAMEK'S INTERVIEW SHOW!
Enslaved Audience: ... Yay...
Kamek: OUR GUEST TONIGHT IS THE KING OF THE JUNGLE, THE MASTER OF BIG BICEPS, AND THE GUARDIAN OF THE CRYSTAL COCONUT! GIVE IT UP FOR DONKEY KONG!
DK: ... Hi.
Enslaved Audience: ... YOU MUST DIE!
DK: GOOMBA CHEATED! AUDIENCE THROW HIM TATTLE GUIDE HE USE ON DONKEY AND DONKEY JUST DO WHAT DONKEY DO BEST! Just no Banana Slamma...
Enslaved Audience: ... YOU STILL MUST DIE!
DK: Donkey no like you people anymore.
Kamek: IF YOU DON'T BEHAVE, I WILL ARM THIS APE WITH BARRELS!
(The audience draws quiet.)
Kamek: Good... Now Donkey Kong, in an Interview done with Donkey Kong Jr, this author stated that you were DK Junior's son.
DK: Donkey remembers that...
Kamek: Well, many people see you as the grown up version of DK Junior. Care to clarify?
DK: Donkey is Cranky's grandson in Donkey Kong Country, but Donkey is Cranky's son in Donkey Kong 64, so Donkey no know. Ask Swanky, he Donkey's brother, he cool.
Kamek: Yes, that was actually my next question, even though you didn't really answer the first. You've had a lot of relatives, like Wrinkly, Funky, Swanky, Lanky, Chunky, Tiny, Lemmy, Ludwig, Donner, Blitzen...
DK: DONKEY NOT KNOW THOSE PEOPLE AFTER TINY!
Kamek: Right... Well, your family tree is so expansive... Care to explain?
DK: YES! See, Donkey is Cranky's grandson or son, and Swanky is Donkey's brother. That's why Swanky looks like Donkey, only Swanky makes money through selling and gameshows and Donkey become celebrity through adventures and videogames. Diddy is Donkey's little buddy, no relationship, just best friend. Dixie and Tiny not related to Donkey, neither is Chunky. Donkey no know where Funky come from... Donkey thinks he's Donkey's uncle, since uncles are usually cool and have lotsa stuff for Donkey to play with. Wrinkly either Donkey's mommy or grandma, Donkey no remember, like Cranky or Funky.
Kamek: ... You don't know much, do you?
DK: No.
Kamek: ... You neglected to mention Lanky, Candy, and Kiddy.
DK: Kiddy Chunky's younger brother. Candy DK's old girlfriend, but DK not so interested at the moment, she... er... "flirtatious". And Lanky adopted, hit his head as baby, parents no want.
Kamek: ... All right then... That's understandable (I guess). So... why exactly does King K. Rool, leader of the Kremling Krew, hate you?
DK: Donkey make his eye red. Donkey thought it make him look cool, but K. Rool get mad and start making factories. Donkey no like factories, make bananas taste bad.
Kamek: Soo... K. Rool is an environmental terrorist?
DK: Yep.
Audience: DEATH TO K. ROOL!
Kamek: ... Right then... Sooo...
DK: Where Donkey's bananas? DONKEY NEED A BANANA!
Kamek: You'll get them after the Interview.
DK: This Interview stupid. People no watch Interview for thoughtful discussion, people watch Interview for random violence!
Kamek: HANG ON! ... That could possibly be the smartest thing anyone has said about anything! DESTROY...
Lemmy: AHEM! You have a contract to fufill!
Kamek: WHEN DID YOU GET THERE?!
Lemmy: Since I wanted to be here. Now go on and finish your Interview... I'll watch. And don't make me go all Freeze Gun on you.
Kamek: Grrr... FINE!
DK: Donkey no want to freeze, Donkey agree!
Kamek: All right, so what is with you and bananas?
DK: Donkey grow up on bananas. They Donkey's favorite, though banana cream pie Donkey's super favorite.
Kamek: Do you eat anything else?
DK: Donkey eat melons sometimes. Donkey also eat a couple fish, and those veggie-table things. OOH! And Donkey eat hot dog once during tennis tournament! Donkey no know what it was, but it good!
Kamek: ... I think I'm going to be sick...
DK: Why Kamek's face all green?
Kamek: ... Never mind... Ugh... Anyway, how did you get into the Mario Sports?
DK: Donkey see DK Junior one day, sad he no get invitation to Mario Kart. So Donkey go and kick who kicked him out's butt. It funny, Magikoopa all like "YONK! I'M HIT! GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD!" but he just fall asleep. Then Donkey just there and Lakitu sign him up because he popular.
Kamek: ... That was ME YOU BEAT UP, YOU KNUCKLEHEAD! I'LL FRY YOU!
Lemmy: In the words of Mario, "No."
Mario: HEY! I-A SAID THAT! YIPPEE! I'M-A THE TOASTER!
Lemmy: I believe you mean "Stupid Star".
Mario: YEAH! I'M-A MARIO!
DK: DONKEY SMASH!
(DK beats up Mario with much gusto.)
Audience: HOORAY!
DK: This why Donkey Kongo Bongo's Hero.
(After breathing into a paper bag for a few minutes, Kamek calms down.)
Kamek: About Kongo Bongo... Do you prefer it being called Kongo Bongo or DK Isles?
DK: Donkey like DK Isle, because it has DK in it, and Donkey and Diddy are DK, so Donkey cool like that.
Kamek: ... Narcissistic little...
DK: If you have problem, talk to Donkey's muscles. They... help you.
Kamek: Ooh... Wouldn't want... Yipes! Uhhh... How did you get kidnapped by K. Rool TWICE?!
DK: How does Peach get kidnapped by Bowser million zillion times?
Kamek: Bad security, peaceful disposition, and the Koopa Kingdom is just generally a hundred times more powerful.
DK: Oh... Well, Donkey on vacation both times, no expect attack.
Kamek: But all K. Rool did was tie you up... and you broke out of those ropes at the end of Donkey Kong Country 2... sooo...
DK: Look, Donkey like any other guy; he like busting out in heroic fashion and getting all fangirls. So move on next question now.
Kamek: ... You sly dog! Anyway, what's your relationship with Mario?
DK: Donkey like him as sorta friend, but he annoying. Donkey throw barrel in Mario's face if he have to. He not super cool like Diddy.
Kamek: Right... Anyway... You've been seen in relationships with Candy Kong and Pauline, which one do you like more?
DK: Who Pauline? Donkey know Candy, Candy give Donkey pies, but who Pauline?
Kamek: ... That lady that...
DK: OH! Rightrightright... See, Donkey like Lady, so Donkey keep Lady. But Mario rescue Lady and make Donkey mad, so Donkey throw barrels, but Donkey cool with him in Mario Party and stuff.
Kamek: That doesn't really answer the question...
DK: ... Donkey answer better question.
Kamek: But...
DK: FINE, DONKEY LIKE LADY, HAPPY?!
Kamek: ... You don't have to get so yelly...
DK: Donkey is monkey. Say it with Donkey, "Muhn-key". Donkey get angry easily, deal with Donkey's rage.
Kamek: ... Okay then... Why do you sound so angry in this Interview? I mean, normally you're really laid back and...
DK: Donkey no like you. You kick out DK Junior from Mario Kart.
Kamek: ... I don't like you either.
DK: Then ask next question so Donkey can get bananas.
Kamek: Fine! If you hate King K. Rool so much, why is he and a lot of Kritters on your team in Mario Super Sluggers? I mean, couldn't you have gotten Cranky, Swanky, Lanky, Wrinkly, Chunky, or an Ukiki?
DK: Cranky back hurt, Swanky advertises but no play, Lanky too stupid to hold bat right, Wrinkly no want to play sports, Chunky no want to get hit by ball, and Donkey no like Ukiki or Goombas or Troopas anymore. K. Rool give Donkey bananas in order to be in game. He said he really bored and wanted to show off new costume, so Donkey pity the foo.
Kamek: All right, just because this is an irresistible follow-up question, how do you think the fights in Roy's Sports Hall, Round 2 will be for you? I mean, you're up against some pretty tough opponents, most of which are way more popular than you.
DK: Donkey's prediction: pain.
Kamek: ... All right, and with that, we get to go to the audience. Seat SCALYGREEN!
Kritter: I'LL CRUSH YOU!
DK: Okay, Donkey appreciates your concerns, and when time comes, he send you flowers and bananas when you in hospital from defeat!
Kamek: Brutal, dude.
Kritter: I... I...
(Kritter runs away.)
Audience: AWESOME!
Kamek: All right, seat POINTLESSFILLERCHARACTER!
Baby Daisy: Me again?
Waluigi: IT'S DEFINATELY ME THIS TIME!
Kamek: Actually, it's Dry Bowser this time.
Baby Daisy and Waluigi: Awwww!
Dry Bowser: What's with the necktie?
DK: Cranky wore in last game before Donkey became star. Cranky said if Donkey wore it, some hero stuff would rub off on Donkey!
Kamek: Right... Seat BACKGROUNDCHARACTER!
Bumpty: Why'd you bounce right out of the Mario Parties and become a space? You were fun to play as!
DK: Donkey learn he get bananas if he space, so Donkey take up space as foil to Bowser. Donkey knew that fans loved playing as him, but Donkey knew he had to make ultimate sacrifice for the sake of keeping Mario Party safe... and keeping bananas in belly. Plus, Donkey playable in Super Duel Mode Mario Party 5! Donkey cool there with banana missiles!
Kamek: Seat YOUTUBEPOOPCHARACTER!
King Harkinian: I wonder what's for dinner...
DK: Donkey no like you.
King Harkinian: Mah boi, it is this idiocy that all true warriors strive for!
DK: ... No, Donkey just thinks you're stupid.
King Harkinian: Fine... Why do you use a boxing glove in Mario Baseball?
DK: So Donkey do this!
(DK hits King Harkinian OUTTA THERE.)
King Harkinian: IF I'M NOT BACK IN A MONTH, SEND LINK!
Kamek: Well... he was annoying.
DK: Donkey agrees. Donkey like boxing glove because it let him hit hard.
Kamek: Just a few more questions and we're done.
DK: FINALLY! This interview taking forever, and has only modest filler! Donkey like Crazy Packers Guy more! He make short Interview and not stupid-looking!
Kamek: Ooh, I'll like frying your...
DK: Donkey protected by Lemmy, have life insurance, and will sue. Swanky knows people...
Lemmy: I'm liking this monkey...
Kamek: Fine, seat 3.
Roy: ... WHAT'S WITH ALL THE LAME REFERENCES?! Really, I...
DK: Donkey remembers you! Donkey beat all but you for Idiot of the Year! But Donkey cooler now, even though Donkey sorta gimmicky!
Roy: Ugh... Look, why do you have such an absolutely pathetic Final Smash? I mean, yeah, the thing does damage, but it's worse than cream... I mean Jigglypuff's!
DK: Who does Donkey look like, Solid Snake?
Roy: HIS WAS EVEN EASIER TO DODGE, MORON!
DK: Oh... Well, Donkey got paid bananas to play Bongos by one guy who liked King Dedede and made Meta Knight most annoying character.
Audience: META KNIGHT IS COOL!
DK: HIS COMBOS ALL REALLY CHEAP! HE TOO HIGH PRIORITY, AND INFINITE DIMENSION CAPE JUST NO GOOD!
Audience: True...
Kamek: All right, seat...
Roy: HOLD UP! I'm not done!
Kamek: Sir, you got your...
Roy: Kamek... you'll do what I tell you... or I'll remind you the reason you can't remember those times you babysat me...
Kamek: You... you BRAT!
Roy: I've been called worse... Anyway, how do you keep so... well, buff?
DK: Donkey lifts barrels full of bananas and stuff, runs through jungle, swings on vines, and beats up K. Rool. Why would Donkey be not buff?
Roy: Is Mario buff?
DK: Mario too stupid to be buff.
Roy: Heh... Niiiiice...
Kamek: OH C'MON, YOU ALL HATED HIM BEFORE THE INTERVIEW, AND NOW YOU'RE JUST AGREEING WITH HIM?!
Audience: Pretty much. He's at least interesting.
Kamek: ... I'm surrounded by idiots...
Mario: I RESEMBLE THAT!
Lemmy: We prefer "criminally insane", thank you.
Kamek: Ugh... Seat...
Roy: Go ahead...
Kamek: AS I WAS SAYING... Seat NOWYOURPLAYINGWITHPOWER!
Wart: I am the Great King Wart! Ah hah hah! Fear my appearance on the first issue of Nintendo Power!
DK: Okay... Now Donkey just wanna PAWNCH you. Like Captain Falcon, only Donkey's style.
Wart: MEEP! Uhhhh... Why do you sound like Scooby Doo in your more recent appearances?
DK: Donkey like mixing it up. Plus, grunting like ape hurt Donkey's throat, difficult to eat bananas after.
Kamek: Seat BLOOMINONION!
Bulb-orb: Out of all the Mario gang you've interacted with, who's your favorite?
DK: Donkey like Yoshi and Daisy. Yoshi like eating with Donkey and friendly, and Daisy fun and remind Donkey of Pauline only spunkier.
Kamek: All right, last question from the audience. Seat DESTINEDVICTORY!
Meta Knight: I am not as cheap as you say, you simply have much to learn to conquer me in battle...
DK: But Donkey has better range!
Meta Knight: ... Curses. How are you able to rise into the air with your Spinning Kong technique? I've not seen such aerial control before.
DK: Donkey no know, he just see Dixie spin with helicopter hair, and Donkey think he do it too, but Donkey get tired after while.
Kamek: All right, well, that's enough questions from the audience, but I've got a few more...
DK: Donkey will answer.
Kamek: Do you prefer riding on animals or karts?
DK: Donkey like riding on Rambi best, though Donkey also like riding Expresso Ostrich and Enguarde Swordfish. Then Donkey like Karts, followed by Winky Frog and Zinger. Donkey no like riding Zinger. They spiky.
Kamek: Which of your Kong buddies do you like best?
DK: Diddy always Donkey's little buddy. Besides Diddy, Donkey guess he like Funky best. Funky cool and fun.
Kamek: Where are your snow levels, like DK Summit and DK Pass, located?
DK: Donkey put DK Pass on Gorilla Glacier, even though you no see anyone from Gorilla Glacier. DK Summit, though Donkey likes calling it DK Snowboard Cross better, located on mountain K3 in Northern Kremmisphere, because slopes better there.
Kamek: Are you on more friendly terms with K. Rool now that he's been on your baseball team and raced you?
DK: No, DK still no like him. He just there to hog DK's spotlight, he even say so.
Kamek: You've wanted to go toe-to-toe with Bowser several times in the past, which is why you liked the Bowser Bomb in Mario Party 2, right?
DK: Yeah, that right.
Kamek: Why? Isn't Wario strong enough?
DK: Wario strong but smelly, Donkey greatly dislike him. Bowser stronger, DK like pushing himself. Bowser not such bad guy, just really determined, so it not like DK hates him or anything.
Kamek: Why didn't you appear in Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games?
DK: Donkey and Diddy signed up, but Wario and Waluigi kick Donkey and Diddy out. But, Diddy said we could get bananas and watch, so Donkey cool with that.
Kamek: All right, last question. You've been in quite a lot of adventures, where do you think you'll go from the latest Mario Baseball tournament?
DK: Donkey dunno, but whatever happens, Donkey's family and friends and even enemies maybe will back Donkey up. Donkey's ready.
Audience: Awww... That' so sweet...
Kamek: All right, that's all the time we have for today, we'll see you next time!
Audience: DONKEY KONG! DONKEY KONG! DONKEY KONG!
Later...
The Dryest Bones: KAMEK! YOU USURPED MY AUTHORITY, AND FOR THAT, YOU WILL FACE THE CONSEQUENCES!
Kamek: WHAT?! But the audience actually LIKED the interviewee this time and decided they'd rather see him alive than dead!
The Dryest Bones: But... YOU'RE STILL THE SECOND-UGLIEST MEMBER OF MY INTERVIEW CREW!
Yishotimi: What's that supposed to mean?
The Dryest Bones: Shut up, ghostie.
Yishotimi: I am crai.
Francis: loln00b.
Chunk: PWNT!
Kamek: Eww... 1337.
The Dryest Bones: And for that... YOU WILL BE FORCED TO GO INTO THAT ROOM OVER THERE FOR TWENTY MINUTES!
Kamek: All right.
(Kamek goes into the room. Seconds later, he's screaming.)
MK-39: What exactly did you do?
The Dryest Bones: McRoll'd him. Because clowns are scary.
Lemmy: Well... ugh... Nice to see that you're actually trying for once.
The Dryest Bones: Metal... Gear?
MK-39: Forgive him, he's a moron.
Lemmy: That's understandable. Anyway, this was a... decent Interview. Good luck topping it!
The Dryest Bones: Thank you... Hey, where'd Donkey Kong go?
DK: BANANA SLAMMA!
Cameraman: Oooooohhhh...
The Dryest Bones: NICE GOING, YOU BROKE THE CAMERAMAN!
DK: DONKEY THOUGHT HE STOLE DONKEY'S BANANAS!
Lemmy: Ummm... End Transmission... please?
The Dryest Bones: WHAT?! NO THIS THING ISN'T GOING TO...
IT'S OVER!
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