Last Time on King Doopliss Interviews…
King Doopliss: Well I stood outside a game store all of January and February waiting for Brawl. Then I spent most of March and all of April playing Brawl, and I spent May playing Mario Kart Wii. I would be playing them right now if you hadn’t taken the discs away from me.
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Ludwig: &$#)(*%&)(#$&%@^()$&*%()#$@*&%()&#$@)(!
…
King Doopliss: I know a guy.
…
Ludwig: No one’s really sure. He just kind of appeared one day out of the blue.
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King Doopliss: Good idea. I can harness the untold power of these boots to power my studio.
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Cloaked Figure: I think the boot squished whoever it hit, meaning they were a useless Goomba.
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Ludwig: Well I guess you could use- HEY WAIT! Who’s touching me? Let go, your hands are cold! Hey stop, I’ll report you to the authorities! Stop… MPH! MPH! MPH!
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Lemmy: Sweet! Now I’m next in line for the throne.
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Vengeful Voice: Mwhahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
Now we begin where the last Interview left off.
King Doopliss: Seriously, where is that stupid flashlight?!
Doopliss: Didn’t you force a Goomba to eat it right before Lemmy stole your game discs?
King Doopliss: Um… No… Hey, Cloaked Figure, get someone out of the closet who can light the studio.
Cloaked Figure: I keep telling you, you have to feed slaves at least once a month, otherwise they die.
King Doopliss: Dang. I could sure use a random plot device to light this place back up.
(The power comes back on…..)
King Doopliss: Sweet.
(…and the audience gets away.)
King Doopliss: Not sweet.
Lemmy: You’re doing another Interview.
King Doopliss: But I just did one!
Lemmy: Well you’re doing another. Just go kidnap someone and interview them. That normally works.
King Doopliss: But it’s late on a Friday night. I bet all the good people have already been kidnapped.
Lemmy: Then just go with someone who’s kidnapped so often people expect them to never be home.
(Lemmy gets abducted by aliens.)
King Doopliss: Who do I know that fits those criteria?
Clocked Figure: How about Bowser Jr? I hear he gets kidnapped, like, once a week
King Doopliss: NOOOOO!!! I would rather interview a tree than him.
Doopliss: What about Peach? She just left so I doubt she’s been kidnapped yet.
King Doopliss: It’s worth a shot.
One super epic awesome kidnapping that will go down in history as the best kidnapping ever, later...
Doopliss: I didn’t know a guard’s head could bend that way.
Clocked Figure: I didn’t know you could kill 118 characters with just a single shot from a pistol.
King Doopliss: Well most of them were NPCs.
Peach: Oh come on. I was supposed to be kidnapped by some random Goomba tomorrow. You just can’t kidnap me without making a reservation, like, a year in advance.
King Doopliss: Don’t worry, we’ll send you back to be kidnapped tomorrow. But for now, we’re going to interview you.
Peach: I’m just guessing I don’t have a say in this, do I?
King Doopliss: Nope.
Peach: Just making sure. But what will you do for an audience?
Clocked Figure: Already taken care of.
(Doopliss is seen setting up cardboard cutouts of people up in the audience.)
Supervillain Voice: Interview 29 (… Of Doom!!!)
King Doopliss: Hello, and welcome to King Doopliss Interviews.
Random Cardboard Cutout #1: You stink!
King Doopliss: Kill him!
(Cloaked Figure slices the cutout in half all ninja style.)
King Doopliss: Today I interview the frequently kidnapped, Princess Peach.
Peach: Um… Hi…
King Doopliss: First question, I bet everyone wants to know this; are you dating Mario?
Peach: Yes.
King Doopliss: Well why are you dating him? I’m pretty sure you could do better.
Peach: He’s the one who always saves me. So of course I’m going to feel something toward him. Also I’m human. And he’s human. There’s no way I’m dating someone who’s not human.
King Doopliss: What about Luigi, Wario, and Waluigi?
Peach: In order, Luigi’s too cowardly, Wario smells bad and would steal all my money and ditch me-
Wario: You bet your last dollar I would steal all you money then ditch you. My one true love is MONEY!!!
Peach: See, and Waluigi is just weird.
King Doopliss: I have heard some fans say that you are the mother of the seven Koopalings. Is that true?
Peach: Ewww, that’s just wrong. Let me set this straight, I do not, never have, and never will love Boswer. Also, I’m not the Koopalings’ mother.
Bowser: You’ll come around, my sweetheart.
Peach: SECERITY!!!
(Cloaked Figure kicks Bowser out of the studio warehouse.)
King Doopliss: So what did you do with the weird umbrella Perry after your own solo adventure on Vibe Island?
Peach: I threw it out. I just felt uncomfortable having an umbrella talking to me.
King Doopliss: I think I would feel uncomfortable as well.
(A sign saying “Perry would make an appearance here but the author feels uncomfortable about having a talking umbrella on this show.” is seen.)
King Doopliss: Stupid talking sign. You buy a couple talking signs and you’re on their list forever.
(The sign bursts into flames.)
King Doopliss: How come everyone and their grandfather kidnaps you? I mean, there are other women in the Mario series.
Peach: Probably because I have the worst security in the world.
Guard Toad from Peach’s Castle #1: You know we’re right here.
Peach: I know you‘re there, and it’s true. You guys stink.
Guard Toad from Peach’s Castle #1: I hate you!
(He runs off crying.)
Peach: Like I care what my slaves think of me.
King Doopliss: Now you’re starting to sound like me. That’s creepy. Stop it. Next question. How did you become the princess of the Mushroom Kingdom?
Peach: The former king of the Mushroom Kingdom found me as a baby all alone somewhere and made me his daughter, thus making me the princess.
King Doopliss: What do you mean former?
Peach: He’s no longer king.
King Doopliss: Why?
Peach: That’s classified.
King Doopliss: Why is it classified?
Peach: That’s also classified.
King Doopliss But, why…
Peach: Look, let us just move on to audience questions.
King Doopliss: Fine. Seat 47.
Random Cardboard Cutout #2: How can you float in midair for a short time?
Peach: Magic.
King Doopliss: Lame. Be more specific.
Peach: I picked the ability up from the world of dreams.
King Doopliss: Seat 94.
Random Cardboard Cutout #3: Why do you use Toad as a shield in Super Smash Bros. Melee and Super Smash Bros. Brawl?
King Doopliss: AHHHHH! WITHDRAWAL!
(King Doopliss starts running around screaming like a crazy person.)
Peach: Hey, they block the attack and they get hurt. It’s win win.
Cloaked Figure: Kay. Last one since King Doopliss has lost it. Although he never had it… Seat 78.
Random Cardboard Cutout #4: How come Doopliss went missing and no one noticed?
Peach: That doesn’t pertain to me at all.
Cloaked Figure: What?!
(He looks and Doopliss is indeed gone.)
Cloaked Figure: Dang it.
Supervillain Voice: Mwhahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
Clocked Figure: Did I just hear something?
Supervillain Voice: Ummm… No.
Cloaked Figure: Okay.
Peach: I’m leaving.
(She leaves.)
Cloaked Figure: I guess we’ll just have to find Doopliss and Ludwig once King Doopliss gets himself together. I guess I’ll take a nap ‘til then. NOW GET OUT OF HERE!
Supervillain Voice: To be continued…
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