Last time on The Dryest Interview Show...
Yishotimi: Where is he? Where is Kamek?!
Francis: Kamek's... he's...
Yishotimi: WELL?!
Francis: ... He's dead, son.
Yishotimi: ... W-w-what? Nn-no, that's impossible, there must be some mistake!
Francis: ... There's more...
Yishotimi: What?
Francis: ... YOU killed him.
Yishotimi: WHAT?! YOU LIAR! I... I HEARD WOLVES! WOLVES GOT HIM! THAT MUST BE IT!
Francis: ... All right, you're just epic fail now, understand?
Yishotimi: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! WHY, KAMEK, WHYYYYYYY?!
Meanwhile, thousands of miles away in the jungles of Lavalava Island...
The Dryest Bones: Infiltrate... the enemy fortress... Destroy... the final weapon... Metal Gear...
Chuck: TDB? What's wrong with you, man?
The Dryest Bones: La-le-lu-li-lo
Chuck: TDB? Dryest Bones? DRYYYYYYYYYESTTTT BONNNNEEESSSS!!!
MK-39: ... Am I supposed to be Metal Gear or something? And how are people even supposed to remember who we are, let alone our species and backstory? And how is Metal Gear relevant to anything?
Chuck: ... YOU'RE STUPID LOOKING!
MK-39: You definitely take after The Dryest Bones.
Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, in a shack behind the recording studio...
The Stork: You're going to have a nice baby girl... You're going to be a father... mother... er... yeah!
Birdo: That's still up in the air, honestly. And... WHAT'S THE POINT OF ALL THIS?!
And now, to our current broadcast...
Kamek: ... What in the Underwhere was that?
The Dryest Bones: A huncha buncha cruncha filler material.
Francis: And what purpose did that boat full of failure have?
The Dryest Bones: It proves that WE'RE BACK, BABY! I FINALLY GOT SOMETHING IN LITTLE LEMMY'S LAND! AND I PLAYED METAL GEAR SOLID!
MK-39: It's just a Scribble... in, like, 90-something place. And all this is doing is drawing attention to... Oh, you dirty little...
The Dryest Bones: Mm-hmm. ^^
Yishotimi: And what exactly do we, your "loyal" Interview team, get out of it?
The Dryest Bones: To compensate for longer intros and equipment stolen from random games... BEEFIER INTERVIEWS, LESS BREAKS, AND A SLIGHT PAY INCREASE!
Chuck: Nice, man. So, who's up today?
The Dryest Bones: Don Pianta.
Francis: The Don is located on Basement Level 1. There should be an air duct to your left. Head north through the duct, and you'll reach the Interview studio.
The Dryest Bones: Got it...
(TDB crawls through the air duct.)
Kamek: He's just going to get there slower.
Francis: Nerr-herr-herr... Hot babes... Ooohhhh my...
Yishotimi: ... You just wanted your hands on Metal Gear Solid 2?
Francis: Schweeeet...
MK-39: The main character is a guy.
Francis: WHAT?!
(Five hours later, The Dryest Bones finally makes it to his Interview studio.)
Don Pianta: 'EY! CHUMP! Where were ya? I can't stay 'ere forever! I'm a very, very busy man... palm tree... thing... an' this might bring ya a few years closer to death...
The Dryest Bones: Not the best guy to threaten with that...
Don Pianta: Ya win this round, kid.
The Dryest Bones: Exactly. Now please, Godfather, may I ask you the favor of asking you several questions?
Don Pianta: Shoot.
(The Dryest Bones takes out... )
Don Pianta: Not literally, ya numbskull!
The Dryest Bones: FINE! All right, first question. Mind telling me your actual name?
Don Pianta: Sure. Da name's Don Pianta. Say anythin' else and get yer bony butt blown 'cross the world.
The Dryest Bones: All right then. How did you come to take up the Pianta Syndicate?
Don Pianta Say Anythin' Else and Get Yer Bony Butt Blown 'Cross the World: Well, as provided in tradition, I got it right from my fatha. An' yer just ASKIN' for some hurtin', pal.
The Dryest Bones: Fine, fine... Yeesh... So, what generation of Don are you?
Don Pianta: I'm Don Pianta VI.
The Dryest Bones: Now, Frankie, the current Don, married his way in and proved his skill in order to become the seventh Don. Is this the first time that someone's married their way into the Mafia?
Don Pianta: What's with all the intelligent questions all da sudden?
The Dryest Bones: Look, do you want to get out of here and get paid or not?
Don Pianta: Fine, fine. Da answer's no, Frankie's just the finest we got, an' I didn't have a son like all my fathers.
The Dryest Bones: Were you ever... ashamed of that fact?
Don Pianta: Wha? Ashamed of my darlin' Francesca? What are ya, thick in that head? I went inta a coma worryin' ta death about 'er! What makes ya think...
The Dryest Bones: I mean even just once...
Don Pianta: Ya lookin' fer a loooong time in da slammer?
The Dryest Bones: Oh, you wouldn't dare do that in front of your precious daughter.
Don Pianta: What in da...
(Francesca suddenly comes out from behind a curtain. The enslaved audience members forcibly gasp)
Francesca: D-D-Ddaddy?
Don Pianta: ... Francesca? Baby, whadya doin' here?
Francesca: T-t-t... that crazy Dry Bones... he said he was gonna... gonna do you in... unless I... unless I... c-c-ccame... .
(Francesca begins crying and hugs the Don.)
Francesca: I-I-I... I was so worried, Daddy!
Don Pianta: 'sall right baby girl, nothin's gonna do anythin' to ya as long as yer in my arms.
(Awwwwww... )
The Dryest Bones: Now, I'm going to ask you one more time, Don Pianta. Were you ever ashamed of having only a daughter?
(Don Pianta freezes up.)
Francesca: D-D-Daddy?
The Dryest Bones: That's all I need to spread all the Internet rumors I need...
(Frankie comes, takes Francesca's hand, and leads her away.)
Don Pianta: You...!
The Dryest Bones: Oh well... At least I got something out of you. Now, let's just finish this... For answering truthfully, your cash goes up to 25,000 coins.
Don Pianta: All right, 'motional sufferin' can be put on hold fer that.
The Dryest Bones: Good. Now, exactly who came up with such a complex password system? I mean, the whole "yellow" color thing?
Don Pianta: That was a stroke o' genius by my great-grand-daddy, Don Pianta III. 'Fore that, all sortsa fools were comin' in with so many favors, too disorganized. We were just as pathetic as Ishnail's bunch ova there in East Rogueport.
The Dryest Bones: Has anyone ever accidentally accessed the Syndicate?
Don Pianta: Happened once 'er twice in the past.
The Dryest Bones: And?
Don Pianta: Next mornin', they don't remember a thing. They wake up in bed with the mother o' all headaches fer a few hours, but that's all.
The Dryest Bones: All right, just two more questions before the audience goes to pick on you.
Don Pianta: Yer a REAL gentleman.
The Dryest Bones: Under which Don was the Pianta Casino established?
Don Pianta: Don Pianta V. Decently recent, and been updated every year fer Rogueport's tastes.
The Dryest Bones: And about how much income do you get from that casino?
Don Pianta: Well, da syndicate gets the dough, not me. But, we got 'bout 4,000 coins a day.
The Dryest Bones: All those people in Rogueport, and that's it?
Don Pianta: Rogueport's a dirt-poor town fulla rogues, scum, an' villainy. My kinda town, my hometown, but it ain't 'xactly loaded.
The Dryest Bones: I see, I see... Well, it's time we move to the audience.
Don Pianta: 'Bout time!
The Dryest Bones: Quite. All right, seat 14,475
Yakkey: Think anyone gets the obscure reference?
Don Pianta: Wha?
The Dryest Bones: Sorry, that's a question for me. And nope.
Yakkey: All right then... Don, why do you still wear that stinkin' hula skirt?! Seems to be a disgrace in my opinion! At least put some briefs on, man! You wouldn't BELIEVE how bad Tubba stank without those.
Don Pianta: I'LL HAVE YA KNOW THIS 'ERE IS A FAMILY TRADITION TA WEAR THESE THINGS! ROKKO! TONY! VINNY!
(Don Pianta's three henchmen go out and take Yakkey to a Resident Evil game.)
Yakkey: THE HORRIBLE DIALOGUE! I DON'T WANT TO BE USED BY THE MASTER OF UNLOCKING! NOOOOOOOOO!!!
Tony: No u.
Yakkey: You're mean!
Tony: That's what she said!
Vinny: OH! YOU GOT BURNED!
Back at the actual Interview...
The Dryest Bones: Seat MRICANTHINKOFAWESOMENICKNAMESFOREVERYONE!
Mr. L: Heh... All right Mr...
Don Pianta: (pulling out a Bullet Bill Blaster) You go on an' mock me, I dare ya.
Mr. L: Err... My apologies, sir. Mr. Don of Untimely Death... where'd that nickname come from?
Don Pianta: There's a reason why Shhwonk Fortress's all in ruins, ya know.
Mr. L: You're an inspiration to villains everywhere.
Don Pianta: Shaddup.
Mr. L: (I love you.)
The Dryest Bones: ... Wierd... All right... Seat OMNOMNOMFORNANAS!
Donkey Kong: DK no want be here. DK want to be eating bananas!
Audience: You're ripping off other tourists... AGAIN?!
The Dryest Bones: SHUT UP! IT WAS A GOOD LINE!
Audience: YOU'RE STUPID!
The Dryest Bones: ... You don't have to yell...
Donkey Kong: Anyway, what Don Pianta usually use for weapons?
Don Pianta: Normally, a simple Fire Flower works. Most o' the boys are fitted with some Bullet Bill Blasters, while yours truly's equipped with a nice li’l invention o' my own. Rokko's takin' a likin' to a revolver model rather than da normal pistol model.
Donkey Kong: Funky make better weapons. Shoe bazooka cool!
Don Pianta: Right, an' ya want me ta call K. Rool an' tell 'im right where ya are? Captured again, maybe brainwashed? Eh, big guy?
Donkey Kong: Hail Bleck... duh... Don Pianta!
The Dryest Bones: Seat RAWKTHEBOAT!
Rawk Hawk: So, how'd you get that Great Gonzales chump to Glitzville, punk? I heard you're the one who got him his start. Where'd that low-class moron get the clearance to the Pit?
Don Pianta: Me an' Grubba are ol' buddies. Miss Jolene keeps givin' us the tickets, though, so we just keep goin' with our business. She's taken a likin' ta Frankie, I'll say.
The Dryest Bones: Why do neither of those things surprise me...
Don Pianta: Whazzit?
The Dryest Bones: Oh, nothing... Seat LESSERMASK!
Phanto: Connections... Poshley... Heights...?
Don Pianta: Goldbob.
Phanto: Aaahhhhhhh...
The Dryest Bones: All right, let's do one last question. Seat POINTLESSFILLERCHARACTER!
Waluigi: Is that me?
Baby Daisy: Or mwe?
The Dryest Bones: The cute one.
Waluigi: Thank you!
Audience: Ewwww...
(The Pianta Syndicate take Waluigi out of the studio and throw him in a dumpster.)
Baby Daisy: Ummm... What does Mista Dawn Pinata do now dat he doesn't have no job?
Audience: She's too cute...
Don Pianta: Hm, good question, fer once. Anyway, I always check in on my favorite couple, an' other dan dat, I just live like any other rich guy. Spend my loot, waste it on the lottery an' casinos, get it back in a few days by outsmartin' a few palookas… Nothin' big.
The Dryest Bones: All right, that's nearly a wrap. Just one more thing, Don.
Don Pianta: Eh?
The Dryest Bones: Though it will have passed by the time most people get this broadcast, I see you’re in Roy's Sports Hall this week, against Wendy O. Koopa, one of the Koopalings and a very popular and powerful contender.
Don Pianta: Ah? The lass that lostta Squiggler? A pushova! I'll win fer sure!
The Dryest Bones: So, I should place my bets on you?
Don Pianta: Go for it, kid!
The Dryest Bones: All right, then that's a wrap! Normally this is the part where I kill off the interviewee, but I value living a little bit more. So, good night, folks!
Later in Fort Francis, thousands of miles away...
Francis: ...he... but he... .she... ugh...
The Dryest Bones: What's wrong with him?
Kamek: Raiden Realization Syndrome.
The Dryest Bones: That bad, huh? Oh well, just play the Tanker chapter and he should be fine.
Kamek: You're letting me touch one of your games?
The Dryest Bones: Sure, why not?
Kamek: Happies.
Yishotimi: So, after all these months, THIS is what our loyal fanbase gets?
The Dryest Bones: Yes. Oh, except for...
(An explosion occurs in another room.)
The Dryest Bones: ... I thought he was part of the Shagohod, so I equipped him with C4.
Chuck: And by him, you mean that Mechakoopa, MK-39?
The Dryest Bones: Yep.
(MK-39's head falls right in front of The Dryest Bones.)
MK-39: End transmission... Ooohhh...
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