(She smiles brightly and waves. Most of the audience is cowering behind the seats, and the people in the front row are all trying to hide beside the front of the stage, out of Teela’s sight.)
Teela: … *taps microphone* Something wrong, guys?
(A Bullet Bill cautiously lifts itself up in the back row and dares to answer.)
Bullet Bill: Well, Ms. Teela, it’s just that generally something goes horribly wrong during your shows— or anyone who tries to interview, really— and we are, quite frankly, getting tired of it. I know this is the only other form of entertainment in Lemmy’s Land aside from that boring “Fun Fiction” library, but really… I wish it could be a little less hazardous for us.
Teela: Mmhm. I can see your point… Well, I don’t think any of you will have to worry today.
Most of the audience: ?_? Really?!
Teela: Ayuh! Because today’s guest star is… Pak E. Derm!
Audience: Wha?
Teela: Yes. Pak E. Derm.
(The audience is silent as a much fatter, slower Pak E. Derm than you probably remember from Yoshi’s Story meanders onto the stage, panting and sweating. He is holding up his stop sign proudly as he emerges onstage, beginning to bounce slightly… After several seconds this looks to be quite a chore.)
Teela: Ahh, thanks for coming, Pak E. Derm. How’re you today?
(Pak E. Derm continues to bounce, turning a rather flushed shade of red.)
Teela: Uhm… Why don’t you stop that and have a seat?
(After several moments of Pak E. Derm doing nothing but slight hopping, Teela brings the chair to him just as he collapses. The Pak E. Derm tries to sit in the seat, but his fanny is sadly too big. As he gets up to observe, the chair is stuck to him.)
Teela: Well, first question. What happened to you since your debut in Yoshi’s Story?
(Pak E. Derm begins to hop again.)
Teela: Look, bud… I’m gonna have to hurt you if you don’t comply. Just answer the question… Is it that hard? *glances offstage* Maintenance? Ji—iiimm! Could we get a larger chair, perhaps?
Pak E. Derm: Well, that was my ‘irst and ‘las debut.
Teela: (whispering) Obviously… (aloud) Soo, why were you hopping around like that? Trying to re-live your glory days?
Pak E. Derm: Ai! Tryin’ ter show Bowser what ‘e be missin!
Teela: Ah… He certainly is missing a lot!
Pak E. Derm: Harrumph! ‘Ou know it.
Teela: So in Yoshi’s Story, what exactly was your purpose?
(Pak E. Derm stands, chair stuck to his butt, and slams the sign on the ground and grins proudly.)
Pak E. Derm: Since back then I was a bit bigger than them…
Teela: *snicker* (You’re not still?)
Pak E. Derm: -I was able to hold off them little buggers fer awhile.
Teela: The Yoshis… So you worked for Bowser?
Pak E. Derm: Back when he was a tot, I certainly did. He didn’t understand, though, I couldn’t just crush the li’l guys… They were so cute, after all! They sure showed me an’ my friends who was boss, though…
Teela: Friends?
Pak E. Derm: Yeah, King Koopa hired a whole pack o’ us! Good lads, we were.
Teela: So… are all of them… like you now?
Pak E. Derm: ‘Cept fer “Ted”— turned out he was a Duplighost, the same yer saw in Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door— but otherwise, yah, me an’ my chums still play the good ol’ hackey sack every Thursday.
Teela: Excuse me… for a moment…
Pak E. Derm: My word, are you all right? Yer turnin’ red!
Teela runs out of the room, and when she is sure she is alone, she bursts into laughter... The sight of several overweight pachyderms kicking around a small ball with their obese feet is too much to bear... She wonders if it is even possible… When she is calm, she returns to the studio to find the audience all doing a convincing “laugh/cough”.
Pak E. Derm: Ya’ll righ’, there? Seems like everybody all of a sudden b’came sick!
Teela: Fine, thanks… And don’t mind the audience… there’s more wrong with them than you can imagine. But you haven’t been in another game since?
(Most of the audience scowl.)
Pak E. Derm: Nawp, ‘nfortunately. But yah, them li’l Yoshis packed a wallop when their tails hit the ground… We were knocked right over! The lads weren’t too ‘appy ‘bout that! We ne’er quit though, no! Good lads we were… proud to be in the Koopa army at the time!
Teela: That’s… good. But he threw you out?
Pak E. Derm: Yes, immediately after the Yoshis got passed us and headed into the jungle… ‘S why I appreciate bein’ here t’day so much!
(He bounces enthusiastically- and falls through the floor.)
Teela: Well… He’s rather simplistic, everybody, whaddyah say?
(The audience applauds.)
Teela: Good that you all seemed to like it nonetheless… But that’s a wrapm everybody! Jim!
(Jim finally comes back with the chair, but stares disconcertingly at the floor.)
Teela: Oh, forget that… Could you please repair the stage? And help the rather large fella down there get out? If he knows who he is, send him on his way. If he doesn’t, just build around him. Also, DON’T let him walk off with that chair stuck on his rump. Get yerself a crowbar… Other than that, that’s all, everybody! Thanks for coming. End transmission!
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