Why Yoshis Don’t Eat Candy
 
By Mr. Tanooki Suit

Yoshi is shopping for food, looking for his dessert for the day

Yoshi: Hmmm, here? No… Here?

Yoshi comes to the candy department. He sees a display of brightly colored fruity candies.

Yoshi: Ooo!

Yoshi runs over to the display and looks at the different shapes and sizes. Then he notices the gummy bears. He starts scooping as many of them as he can fit into one bag. He checks out at the register, and runs home. When he goes inside, he spills the goods out on the table.

Yoshi: Smells just like fruit…

He carefully takes a lick. Instantly he goes insane and starts bouncing around the room. Then he starts speed-eating with his tongue, which is going faster than light. When all the candy is gone, he has a crazed look in his eyes

Yoshi: More…

He runs towards the department store and zips to the candy section. There are many little children in the way, so Yoshi swallows them with his tongue and spits them out in the opposite direction. He begins to swallow all the candy in the area, and not just the fruity stuff, but also the chocolate and the caramels. He begins to grow.

Meanwhile…

Mario and Luigi are shopping in the same store as Yoshi, and as usual, they are arguing

Mario: I want to buy-a Chocolate Fruit Loops!!!

Luigi: Mario, that-a stuff has over 1,000 calories per bite-a!

Mario: I don’t-a care! We’re-a buying them!

Mario slams them into the cart and they keep moving

Luigi: *sigh* Fine. But I-a want to choose-a the dessert.

Mario: Fine-a! But only as-a long as I get to choose-a what we eat for dinner!

Luigi: Fine by me- WHAT IN THE NAME OF-

Luigi is cut off by the sight Yoshi, who has grown to the size of a large elephant

Mario: What happened to you Yoshi?

Yoshi: GIANT RED CANDY IS TALKING?! MUST EAT!

Yoshi’s tongue shoots out and snatches Mario from the ground.

Mario: Yoshi!!! Snap out of it! I’m-a not-a candy!!!

Yoshi pays no attention and swallows Mario.

Luigi: O_o

Luigi slowly backs away, and leaves the building. Yoshi decides that there isn’t enough candy to satisfy his hunger, so he begins running at top speed, smashing through the walls and ceiling as if they were paper. He eventually reaches the company that creates the candy he ate. It is in the middle of a huge city. By that time, he’s bigger than Godzilla. He rips the roof off the building.

Random Worker: WHAT THE-

He’s cut off by Yoshi, whose tongue shoots out and starts to lick at the giant candy mixer. Unfortunately, it’s still mixing, so his tongue gets mixed in with the batch. Yoshi spins around and around, smashing down the walls of the building. As this happens, Mario flies out off Yoshi’s throat

Mario: I’m-a free!!!

Mario smashes into a brick wall that just happens to be sitting there. When he hits the ground, it falls on top of him and crushes him.

Mario: Ow…

Yoshi manages to get his tongue out of the mixer. He smashes it into a million pieces, then decides he doesn’t want candy, but now, destruction! He breathes fire and burns a building to the ground. Then he smashes several with his tail. He proceeds to pick up one of the buildings he smashed and use it to bash other buildings to bits. Suddenly Yoshi spots an airplane. He flutter-kicks into the air and snatches it with his tongue.

Several minutes later, the city is in ruins. Yoshi gets tired out, and shrinks back down to his normal size. He also loses the crazed look he had before

Yoshi: What happened?!

Mario crawls over to Yoshi, even though almost every part of his body is crushed

Mario: You’ve got problems.

Yoshi kicks Mario in the face. Mario twitches, then passes out.

Yoshi: Oh well. Now what was I doing? Oh, yes! I was going to get some dessert!

END

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