Wario and Waluigi are sitting in jail.
Wario: Why am I in jail?
Waluigi: Because you broke the law.
Wario: I did not. I am a perfect little angel!
Waluigi: You manipulated the entire continent with that stupid TV show of yours.
Wario: That show was the very definition of brilliance.
Waluigi: A brilliant failure, maybe.
A guard appears, carrying in Mario and Luigi. He tosses them into the cell right beside them, and leaves.
Mario: And this is why I never let you drive.
Luigi: It’s not my fault those kids walk so slow! I was merely attempting to, uh, “nudge” them along.
Mario: You ran one over!
Luigi: Again, not my fault!
Mario: And why did it have to be a Bob-omb kid? My car got destroyed! Not to mention the hospital bills...
Luigi: What? You should be thanking me! You got to trash that junky vehicle!
Waluigi: CAN EVERYBODY JUST SHUT UP?!
The room grows silent.
Waluigi: We need to get out of here somehow! Anybody got a plan?
Wario: Bribe the guard?
Luigi: Worth a shot. Hey guard!
The guard walks up to their jail cell.
Guard: What do you want? Lunch isn’t for another 2 days.
Luigi: You know, you seem like a smart man. Let us out of this cell, and I’ll make it worth your while...
Guard: What are you proposing?
Luigi hands him a coin.
Luigi: And there’s more where that came from! What do you say?
Guard: Well... sure, why not? I’m in a good mood today.
The guard unlocks the cell, and Mario and Luigi exit. The guard immediately throws them into the adjacent cell.
Luigi: WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!
Guard: You only asked to be let out of *this* cell... Hee hee hee.
The guard leaves.
Mario: That was pathetic.
Wario and Waluigi watch as Mario and Luigi fall asleep in their new cell.
Waluigi: I don’t see why I had to go to jail.
Wario: It’s not MY fault you’re a loser.
Waluigi: ...
Wario: Hey, he left the door open. Let’s go!
Waluigi: Wow. How did we notice that before?
Wario: Don’t look at me! You should’ve been looking for the way out!
Waluigi: Hmph. I got a bad feeling about this, Wario. Perhaps we should stay here.
Wario: And do what? Fart?
Waluigi: I’d rather you not.
Wario: Whatever. As I was saying, there’s no point waiting in this prison hole for years and years. When life gives you lemons, throw them out!
Waluigi: I think you got the saying wrong...
Wario: What do you mean? I hate lemonade!
They start towards the exit, but Wario suddenly trips.
Wario: AHH!
Wario crashes into the wall and they both fall through. Behind the wall they see dozens of guards.
Waluigi: Nice going, Fatso, breaking into the employee’s lounge.
Wario: RUN!
The duo run as fast as they can, making it to a dark room. They lock the door behind them.
Waluigi: Phew! We actually made it!
Wario: What can I say? I’m a genius.
They notice that they are in Mario and Luigi’s old cell.
Waluigi: Seriously? Did we REALLY just escape into another jail cell?
Wario: I guess so.
Waluigi: Hey! At least there’s a toilet in this one!
Wario: Woo hoo! POO TIME!
Wario runs to the toilet and notices it is full. And smelly. And steaming. Not to mention it’s broken.
Waluigi: Who did this?!
Luigi: Sorry.
Wario looks around and sees that Mario and Luigi have woken up from their nap in the other cell. Luigi is bursting with laughter.
Wario: Groan...
Suddenly the guard from earlier appears.
Guard: What’s all this racket? If you don’t shut up, your bathroom privileges will be revoked!
Wario: It appears they’re already revoked from the looks of this toilet...
The guard rolls his eyes and sits at a table a couple of feet away to watch the delinquents.
Waluigi: Here’s an idea: we phone someone, and get them to bring us something to help us escape.
Wario: Sounds fair. Who would we phone?
Waluigi: Uh... hmm... I can’t think of anyone. This would be easier if you actually had some friends.
Wario: Says the loser.
Wario picks up the (conveniently placed) phone beside him, and dials a number.
Waluigi: Who are you phoning?
Wario: Someone who can help us escape!
Ring Ring Ring
Guy on Phone: This is the Cheeseland Association, how can we help you?
Wario: I’m in jail, and I need to escape. Any ideas?
Guy on Phone: Well, we can deliver you a special “get-out-of-jail-free” card for you. Works every time.
Wario: Great! Send it!
A couple of seconds later a guy carrying a skinny, gift-wrapped box comes in and squeezes it through the cell bars. While he leaves, Wario rips through the wrapping paper.
Wario: WAIT A MINUTE...
...
...
...
Wario: ARG! THIS is what you meant by a “get-out-of-jail-free” card?! The one from MONOPOLY?!
Guy on Phone: What’s wrong with that?
Wario: It’s expired!
Guy on Phone: Whoops. And that was our last one too.
Waluigi: ...
Wario: So, any other plans?
Guy on Phone: Well, my recommendation would be to ask the greatest hero in the land if he has an escape plan. Heroes can get out of anything!
Wario: You don’t mean...
Guy on Phone: Yes. THE GREAT MARIO.
Wario: I’ll check. *he puts the phone on hold* Hey Mario, got any escape plans?
Mario: Nope.
Wario: K thanks. *he takes the phone off hold* Nope, got nothing.
Guy on Phone: Well, I can’t help anymore, unfortunately. We at Cheeseland hope you have a great day!
Wario hangs up the phone.
Wario: That didn’t work.
Waluigi: You think?
The Mario Bros. go back to sleep. The guard speaks up.
Guard: Hey, I’m gonna go, uh, “lose some weight”, to put it lightly. No funny business!
The guard then leaves and goes to the bathroom. Suddenly an announcement sounds out on the PA.
PA: We must test if the jail doors can open automatically in a state of emergency, such as a mass Bob-omb explosion or a tidal wave. Do not leave your cells. This is only a test.
The doors open. Mario and Luigi wake up from the noise and notice the open doors.
Mario: Hey, the doors are open. Woo hoo!
Luigi: Be seeing you!
Wario: K bye.
The Mario Bros. leave, and Wario and Waluigi are still sitting in their cell.
Wario: Uh, why are we still sitting in our cell?
Waluigi: That guard was very threatening.
Wario: Forget that! Let’s get out of here.
The doors close.
Wario: ARG!!! So close!
The guard returns and notices Mario and Luigi are missing.
Guard: Where did those losers go?
Waluigi: They escaped. But we were good and stayed right here! Do we get something for that?
The guard tosses them a coin and goes back to sit at his desk.
Waluigi: What? This is Luigi’s coin!
Guard: Yep. It’s a fake, so I didn’t want it.
Wario: That fiend! Whatever happened to justice?!
Waluigi: Since when do YOU care about justice?
Wario: Since now.
The three of them look out the window and see Mario and Luigi walk by. Mario waves. They wave back.
Wario: Boy! That Mario can get out of ANYTHING, can’t he?
*****
A couple of hours later, the guard is sleeping in his chair. Waluigi picks up the phone and dials a number.
Wario: Can I have the phone back when you’re done? I have to pay some bills.
Waluigi: Since when do you pay bills?
Wario: Since I bought a sandwich with your credit card.
Waluigi: Oh, someone’s on the phone. Hello? Ah yes, listen, this is what I need you to do...
About 10 minutes later, Toad arrives with a pizza.
Waluigi: What are you doing, Toad? I told you to bring the “special pie”!
Toad: Pizzas ARE special pies.
The guard suddenly appears behind Toad, having heard the entire conversation.
Guard: Well, a persistent bunch you are. Hey Shorty, hit the road!
The guard drop kicks Toad through the window, breaking it. The guard then takes his pizza.
Guard: Sorry. Needed as evidence.
He walks away while eating the pizza.
Wario: I’m getting sick of this! Waluigi, call 222-2222 and give the phone to me.
Waluigi dials the number and gives Wario the phone.
Wario: Bob-omb squad! You’re needed at 4324252315 degrees latitude and 2 degrees longitude. Be here!
Wario hangs up.
Waluigi: What in the world was that for?
Suddenly the entire jail explodes. Bob-ombs are raining from the sky, blowing up everything in the vicinity.
Well, everything except for Wario and Waluigi’s cell. It stays completely intact while the entire rest jail is now a pile of rubble.
Waluigi: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! What kind of bad luck IS this?
Wario: Uh, the really bad kind?
The jail door suddenly opens.
Waluigi: At least the door works during an emergency.
The guard walks up to the cell and locks it up.
Guard: Nice try, but it looks like I’ll get to watch you guys for 20 years now instead of 15 for an attempted breakout. Too bad so sad for you, boo hoo.
The guard goes back to sit at his desk, which apparently wasn’t destroyed in the explosion either.
Waluigi: Well, I guess that means that we’ll be cellmates for a long time then.
Wario: Don’t worry. It could be worse.
Waluigi: I get thrown in jail with you for no reason, stupid Luigi clogs up the toilet, our pizza gets taken away, somehow our jail cell DOESN’T get blown up by the Bob-omb raid, and now I have to spend 20 years in here with YOU. How can this terrible situation possibly be any worse?!
Wario: We could be drinking lemonade right now.
Whoops! You're not logged in! |