It's Christmas Eve in Dinosaur City. Waluigi is getting ready to close up his oil shop. It is 7:30. WAY earlier than all the other stores would close up. Waluigi does this because he is the nicest man in all of Dinosaur City.
Waluigi: Oh Marley!
A Goomba walks up to Waluigi. He's his business partner.
Marley: Yes?
Waluigi: Be a dear and count what's left in the safe. That's our savings for this year.
Marley: Of course.
Marley leaves. Waluigi puts up a "Christmas Tree". The "Christmas Tree" is actually a wooden leg with sticks jutting out. While Waluigi's business is successful thanks to stocks, he just barely gets by.
Waluigi: Oh Christmas Crutch. Oh Christmas Crutch.
How lovely are the Dutch?
Marley returns carrying a sack of coins.
Marley: Here we are, 21 coins.
Waluigi: Not a big bulk of cash this year. But it will do.
Marley: Maybe if you stopped giving money to the poor, then we would actually be able to buy a Christmas Tree.
Waluigi: Well, I just can't turn them down.
A large woman comes through the door crying.
Waluigi: Ah, Mrs. Cratchit. How can we help you?
Mrs. Cratchit: Tiny Tim! Tiny Tim! He's oh so hungry!
Waluigi: Tiny Tim? The boy's very well-fed, Mrs. Crachit.
Mrs. Cratchit begins crying.
Waluigi: Oh now, don't cry. There must be something we can do...
Waluigi grabs the sack of coins, a coin falls out.
Waluigi: Here, 21 coins.
Mrs. Cratchit stops crying and immediately grabs the coins.
Mrs. Cratchit: Thanks!
Mrs. Cratchit runs out laughing, Waluigi notices the coin on the floor.
Waluigi: Oh dear, it seems one of the coins fell out. Now I've lied.
Marley: Keep it!
Waluigi: No, I should-
A little Koopa child comes in.
Koopa Child: Coin for the poor. Mr. Idiot- I mean Waluigi.
Waluigi: Well...
The Koopa Child begins kicking and screaming and pounding on the floor..
Waluigi: Here you go, little Koopa!
Waluigi tosses the coin to the Koopa. The Koopa runs out.
Marley: Well, there goes our cash for the year.
Waluigi: Yes, but everyone is happy and that's what counts.
A knock is heard at the door. Waluigi opens it to some Gourmet Guys. One of them is wearing a Santa hat.
Waluigi: Yes?
Gourmet Guy wearing Santa Hat: Oh kind sir, Waluigi. My poor orphan Gourmet Guys are famished tonight on Christmas Eve. Could you please help them?
Waluigi looks at the dinner table he set up earlier. On it is the "Christmas Tree", the small turkey, the bowl of chips, and three presents: a hat for Waluigi that Marley badly wrapped, some shoes for Marley that Waluigi wrapped, and a scarf Waluigi made for his girlfriend.
Waluigi: When did Waluigi get a girlfriend?
Charles Yoyo: You met her at a bar.
Waluigi: Waluigi doesn't go to-
Charles Yoyo: Just move with the script.
Waluigi: ... Here.
Waluigi takes the bowl of chips and the turkey, and gives them to the Gourmet Guys.
Random Gourmet Guy: Thank you.
The Gourmet Guys close the door and leave, munching on their new food.
Marley: I still can't believe you give those fat orphans a lot of our food every year!
Waluigi: How dare you call them fat? They... just have potbellies.
Marley: Sure, whatever. Now what are we going to do for Christmas dinner?
Waluigi: We'll just have to improvise.
Waluigi takes some paper, rolls it into a cone shape, steps outside, and fils with the cone with snow.
Waluigi: There, snowcones!
Marley: There's a rat inside that.
A rat pops out of the "snowcone" Waluigi screams and drops the "snowcone", and the rat runs outside.
Waluigi: Well, we still have each other.
Waluigi is tapped on the shoulder. He turns around to see his girlfriend, who will not be named. She's wearing a dark hood to hide her face and is covered in long robes.
Girlfriend: HI! WHERE'S MY PRESENT?!
Waluigi: They're right over by the Christmas Tree.
Girlfriend: OH MY GOD! MINE!
The Girlfriend snatches up her gift and immediately opens it.
Waluigi: Wai-
Girlfriend: I thought you loved me! ... And you get me a scarf?! WHERE'S THE ARMY OF ROLLS ROYCES YOU PROMISED ME?!
Waluigi: Uh, when did Waluigi promise you-
Girlfriend: Well, I guess I have to make do with my other presents.
Waluigi: Actually-
The Girlfriend opens up the other presents.
Girlfriend: A HAT AND SHOES?! You're an idiot, Waluigi!
Waluigi: Walu-
Girlfriend: There's only one way to save our relationship, Waluigi.... and that's to give me a perfect Christmas dinner tomorrow.
Waluigi: Well-
Girlfriend: GOODNIGHT!
The Girlfriend leaves, slamming the door.
Marley: Remind me... how did you two meet?
Waluigi: Waluigi thinks he was drunk even though Waluigi never had alcohol in his life.
Marley: Well I'm going to bed.
Waluigi: Me too.
Marley: The one good thing about this place... there are spare beds for you and me.
Waluigi: Yep, and Waluigi is going to hang his stocking by the fireplace.
Marley: I'm sure IF Santa came here and he came down the chimney and he saw your sock, he would quickly go back up the chimney, onto his sleigh, takeoff, and burn the building down.
Waluigi: ... Uh.
Marley: Just use one of mine.
Waluigi: Whatever.
Waluigi goes up to bed.
That Night...
Waluigi wakes up to a ghostly moan. He looks at his closet door as a ghostly version of Captain Syrup pops out of the closet.
Captain Syrup: AR! Wario! Because of your greed, I have a message for you!
Waluigi: What? ... Waluigi is Waluigi! Wario's stepbrother!
Captain Syrup looks at the script.
Captain Syrup: Dang it! I be in the wrong Scribble!
Waluigi: Sorry, Wario lives in Diamond City, not Dinosaur City.
Captain Syrup: AR! If you be Wario you would've been so in so much trouble.
Waluigi: How bad has he been this year?
Captain Syrup: Horrible! He doesn't give money to the poor, and gives his employees very little salary. In fact, just today I heard him say "If the Poor People would want to die than stay in prisons... Let the poor people die, that'll decrease the surplus population."
Waluigi: *shudder* Waluigi ashamed to be his stepbrother! How did he become so evil?
Captain Syrup: AR! Greediness in the Wario Family is almost genetic.
Waluigi: Really?
Captain Syrup: AR! It go down to Wario's Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Grandfather Judas.
Waluigi: Dang.... How bad were they?
Captain Syrup: They were... AR! Why should I be telling you, when I can show you! Grab me hand!
Captain Syrup extends her hand, Waluigi grabs it. They are teleported to December 24th 1905 in Panama. The temperature in 85 degrees. The coldest it's ever been. There are very hard workers building the Panama Canal.
Waluigi: Man it's hot.
Captain Syrup: AR! Get used to it! We only be here for a short while... Look, it be Wario's Grandpappy!
They see a fat man with a prospector-like beard running around.
Captain Syrup: This man be one of the few immune to Yellow Fever. So he can do whatever he wants, unlike most of these workers.
A Goomba follows Wario's Grandpappy.
Captain Syrup: AR! That be Parley! His best friend!
Wario's Grandpappy: Ok, Parley! For once we're going to be nice on this Christmas and give Mr. President a handmade painting.
Parley: Made by me.
Wario's Grandpappy: Yep. Let's go.
Wario's Grandpappy and Parley go into a post office.
Wario's Grandpappy: We'd like to send this-
Suddenly the President walks in.
President: I'm going to cancel Christmas so you all can work harder on my canal.
The President leaves to start looking over the canal.
Wario's Grandpappy: Well that was a waste of money.
Wario's Grandpappy slams the painting over Parley's head.
Parley: This reminds me… I got you a pick-axe for Christmas.
Wario's Grandpappy gets an idea. He takes the pick-axe, sneaks up behind the President, and knocks him out with the blunt end of the pick-axe.
Parley: Why'd you do that?! Wario's Grandpappy: To do this.
Wario's Grandpappy drags the President behind a bush. He then jumps out of it in the President's clothing.
Parley: You're not seriously saying...
Wario's Grandpappy: Yep! I'm-a the President of the United States!
Parley: No way! No one's going to believe you! For one thing you look nothing like him.
But Wario's Grandpappy just shows off the seal of Presidency. Soon everyone bows down to him.
President Wario's Grandpappy: Also bow down before the Vice President, Parley!
Vice President Parley: ... All right, I'll go along with it.
President Wario's Grandpappy laughs evilly. Captain Syrup snaps her fingers. Waluigi and Captain Syrup return to Waluigi's room. Waluigi is slightly amused.
Waluigi: Amazing! He managed to become President of the United States!
Captain Syrup: AR!... Yes... But his Karma be WAY down low.
Waluigi: Well yes... What about Wario's father?
Captain Syrup: AR! He be almost as bad! Grab me hand!
Waluigi grabs Captain Syrup's hand and they're teleported to a graveyard. A plump man is robbing a grave.
Waluigi: Who's he?
Captain Syrup: AR! That be Wario's Father!
Wario's Father pulls a raggedy suit out of a grave and puts it on. He runs out of the graveyard. Captain Syrup and Waluigi teleport to a dusty bedroom.
Waluigi: Now where are we?
Captain Syrup: Just watch.
???: Scrooooge! Scroooooge!
An old man topples out of his chair and Wario's Father comes through the door.
Wario's Father: Scrooooooge! Give me all your money or you will live a horrible afterlife!
Scrooge: Okay... It's downstairs in a vault. The combination is 0-0-0.
Wario's Father: You are blessed to live happilyyyyyyyyy.
Wario's Father walks out, steals all the money in Scrooge's safe, then walks out of his house. Captain Syrup and Waluigi teleport to Wario's house.
Wario's Father: Honey, I'm home!
Wario's Mother: Hi honey.
Wario's Mother kisses Wario's Father.
Wario's Father: Sorry I'm late. I had a tough day at the office, but I managed to get what I deserved.
Wario's Father pulls out 2 giant sacks of coins.
???: Daddy!
A toddler version of Wario runs up to his father. His father picks him up.
Wario's Father: And how's my little guy?
Little Wario sees the money in his father's hands.
Little Wario: Money!
Wario's Father chuckles.
Wario's Father: All right, Son, you can play in the money.
Little Wario: Yay!
Wario's Father puts down Little Wario and one of the sacks. Little Wario jumps into the sack and starts playing with the coins as if they were Autumn leaves. Captain Syrup snaps her fingers and she and Waluigi are back in his bedroom. Waluigi is happy with what he saw.
Waluigi: Man! That was awesome! Waluigi has to try that sometime.
Captain Syrup: You? No! While Wario's Father did get the money, don't forget what happened to him later.
Waluigi: Oh yeah... the divorce... But what about Wario's Grandpappy?
Captain Syrup: Well… he managed to keep his role as President for 8 more years.
Waluigi: Say... What would happen in the future if Waluigi was evil?
Captain Syrup: ... Well, I be having to go to Wario's Christmas Carol now. Have to round up the ghost, you know.
Waluigi grabs Captain Syrup's hand. They are teleported to the future. They are in a dark and fancy-looking throne room. There are three thrones. Two have animatronics of Mario and Luigi while the third has an older-looking Peach wearing a metallic and future-looking dress.
Mario and Luigi: All hail Queen Toadstool!
Queen Toadstool: And all hail my Double Husband Bot: King Mario and Luigi.
Some random Toads in the throne room bow to their leaders.
Queen Toadstool: Now bring forth the general of the Mushroom Army!
Two giant doors open, and Waluigi walks through.
Queen Toadstool: And bring forth his servant.
A giant Marley walks behind Waluigi.
Queen Toadstool: Did you dispose of the Koopa Army?
Waluigi: Waluigi did, the bombers were of much use to us.
Mario: What about the Shroobs? Did you destroy them?
Waluigi: Yes, all ships that were teleported in their beams had bombs on them; each Shroob ship got blown up.
Luigi: Did you destroy the Zackattackers?
Waluigi: Waluigi didn't destroy the Zackattackers because you just made them up.
Queen Toadstool: Excellent work, Waluigi... And did you bring forth the item of all power?
Waluigi: Waluigi did.
Waluigi pulls out a Star. It shoots beams at Marley, Mario, and Luigi. They disappear.
Waluigi: Queen Toadstool, Waluigi demands you make Waluigi the King, Queen, Prince, and Princess of Plit. Or else face life in a million pieces placed all over Plit, just like your husbands and Marley.
Queen Toadstool: And what happens if I agree to this decision?
Waluigi: You will become my eternal prisoner in my "Dungeon of Terrible Things that could happen to a Man, Woman, or Koopa". Trust Waluigi, it's a better fate than your husbands’.
Waluigi aims the Star at Queen Toadstool
Queen Toadstool: .. You have won... I am your prisoner.
Queen Toadstool's crown floats off her head and onto Waluigi's.
King Waluigi: Throw her into the dungeon!
Some Toads tie up Peach and drag her off.
Random Toads: All hail Waluigi!
Captain Syrup snaps her fingers; she and Waluigi end up back in his bedroom.
Waluigi: Waluigi ends up Ruler of Plit? ... Awesome!
Captain Syrup: If you become evil, which is not a fun road.
Waluigi: ... What if Waluigi stays good?
Captain Syrup: ... I'm out of here!
Captain Syrup tries to run, but Waluigi grabs her hand again. They are teleported to the future. They are in a dark and fancy-looking throne room. There are three thrones. Two have animatronics of Mario and Luigi, while the third has an older-looking Peach wearing a metallic and future-looking dress.
Mario and Luigi: All hail Queen Toadstool!
Queen Toadstool: And all hail my Double Husband Bot. King Mario and Luigi.
Some random Toads in the throne room bow to their leaders.
Queen Toadstool: Now bring forth the general of the Mushroom Army!
Two giant doors open up, Marley walks through.
Queen Toadstool: And bring forth your servant.
A weary Waluigi enters.
Queen Toadstool: Did you dispose of the Koopa Army?
Marley: No Queen Toadstool, the Koopa Army got hold of the bombers you sent and attacked us with them. He threatens to do the same in Toad Town if you don't give up your throne.
Queen Toadstool: Well our army can destroy him, he should respect us for our war against the Shroobs.
Mario: Did you destroy them?
Marley: No... They sucked up every last one of the troops; the Shroob army is now bigger than ever.
Luigi: What about the Zackattackers?
Marley: ... I am ashamed to say I didn't even know they were involved.
Luigi: That was because I just made them up.
Queen Toadstool: All may not be lost... Do you bring forth the item of all power?
Marley: ... No... I couldn't get it because I had no arms, so now King Koopa has it. He threatens to use it on the whole Kingdom unless you give up your throne.
Queen Toadstool: ... He has won...
Queen Toadstool's crown floats off her head and into a box.
Peach: Send it to King Koopa.
Mario and Luigi explode. Captain Syrup snaps her fingers. She and Waluigi end up in his bedroom.
Waluigi: I end up a slave... and the whole world will belong to Koopa?!
Captain Syrup: Uh... Bye...
Captain Syrup tries to run, but Waluigi ties her up and throws her in the closet.
Waluigi: Waluigi may need you to see more into time.
Waluigi places his foot on his bed.
Waluigi: It is clear to Waluigi that villains have more fun!
The sun rises and starts shining through Waluigi's window.
Waluigi: Take a good look, Waluigi... because soon this will be Waluigi's.
The Koopa child knocks on the window.
Koopa Child: Merry Christmas, Mr. Idiot. I mean Waluigi.
Waluigi: Merry Christmas.
Waluigi opens the window; the child falls off it into an empty trash barrel.
Waluigi: Hmmm, December 25th... Garbage Day!
Waluigi pours garbage onto the Koopa child.
Waluigi: Waluigi wonders what Marley is doing.
Waluigi walks downstairs to see Marley sleeping.
Waluigi: Wake up, Marley! We have work to do!
Marley: ZZZZZZ.
Waluigi jumps on Marley.
Marley: OW!
Waluigi: Come on, let's get going!
Marley: But it's Christmas morning!
Waluigi: Exactly! That means if we start doing business now, we'll be one of the only shops to get money today!
Marley: You know, sometimes I hate you for being nice... but this is not you.
Waluigi: Chop chop! Open up the shop!
Waluigi looks at the "Christmas Tree".
Waluigi: What is this? Absolute rubbish!
Waluigi takes the "Christmas Tree" and tosses it outside.
Waluigi: Okay, let's see what poor, unfortunate souls want favors from me today.
A knock is heard at the door.
Waluigi Let's see what the public wants today.
Waluigi opens the door, finding the Gourmet Guys from before.
Gourmet Guy with Santa hat: As a thank you gift for all your kindness to the orphanage, we offer you a Quarter Pounder... with no cheese though.
Waluigi: (sarcastically) How sweet.
Gourmet Guy with Santa hat: And, a little song.
The Gourmet Guy orphans begin singing a song similar to "We Three Kings".
Gourmet Guy Orphans: We Orphans!
From Dinosaur City!
To spy a man thin and swee-
Waluigi slams the door on them.
Marley: Good riddance! I'm glad you finally left them out in the snow with nothing but a Quarter Pounder with no cheese.
Waluigi stops and slaps his forehead.
Waluigi: What's Waluigi doing?!
Waluigi runs up to the door and opens it. The Gourmet Guys are still there. Waluigi takes the Quarter Pounder.
Waluigi: Thank you.
Waluigi slams the door on them again.
Marley: Well... that... was interesting. I like this new side of you, Waluigi.
Waluigi: Ah, life is feeling sweet already.
Another knock comes at the door. Waluigi's Girlfriend opens it.
Girlfriend: WHERE'S THE DINNER?!
Waluigi: It ain't here on account of your annoying screeches.
The Girlfriend is appalled.
Girlfriend: But I thought you loved me.
Waluigi: Love is like the American stock market. You feel on top the world for a minute, then you soon realize you're broke.
Waluigi pushes the Girlfriend out of his shop.
Marley: YEAH! I like this!
Waluigi: She deserved that from 24 hours ago.
Another knock is heard at the door.
Waluigi: Now who is it?
Waluigi opens the door, Mrs. Crachit is at the door. Waluigi slams the door in her face.
Waluigi: ... Nah... Waluigi has a better plan.
Waluigi opens the door again. Mrs. Crachit is crying.
Waluigi: Now what?
Mrs. Cratchit: *sniff* Tiny Tim is hungry again!
Waluigi: I've had it with you and your extremely fat son Tim! He's bigger than Marley!
Mrs. Cratchit: *gasp* Mr. Waluigi! Where's the innocent child of human kindness?
Waluigi: He's grown up into the adolescent of reality. Now go tell your not hungry son to shut up and stop faking his hunger!
Mrs. Crachit: Oh, but he's just famished.
Waluigi: If your son is so hungry then feed him this!
Waluigi throws the Quarter Pounder in Mrs. Cratchit's face, she runs off crying. She drops a sack of coins, which Waluigi grabs and counts.
Waluigi: 98, 99, 100. 100 coins, Marley, go buy me one of everything at the Chinese restaurant across the street. I'm having the biggest Chinese takeout party in the history of Dinosaur City, and no one's invited.
Marley: Got it!
Marley runs off, Waluigi sits down in a chair.
Waluigi: Ah, it feels so good to be bad.
A light bulb appears above Waluigi's head.
Waluigi: Waluigi feels a song from the Author's Childhood coming on.
The lights dim, the oil shop gets larger, Waluigi begins tap dancing.
Waluigi: They loved Waluigi when he's nice
They loved Walugi when he's good
But now Waluigi's a simple rotten guy
Who’s just misunderstood
They said that Walugi should stay the same
And wear a pretty smile
But smiling now makes Waluigi's face hurt
And happiness is now vile
Waluig's going to give up the only life he's ever had
Because it feels so good to be bad
It feels good to be bad,
It feels great to be like crooks,
It feels nice to be a villain like you read about in books
It feels swell to be nasty
It feels keen to be so mean
Yes, Waluigi's an extraordinary nastiness machine
It feels good to be bad
It feels great to be like crooks,
It feels nice to be a villain like you read about in books
It feels swell to be nasty
It feels keen to be so mean
Yes, Waluigi's an extraordinary nastiness machine
It feels good to be bad
Wow! Waluigi feels evil!
Waluigi clears his throat…
Waluigi: WAHAHA! Waluigi's Number One!
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