Bowser: Okay minions, listen up. Lately things haven't been going so well. My awesome plans to kidnap Peach have been made to look more and more less awesome by Mario. Anyone have any ideas why this is?
Goomba 1: Because he's smarter than you?
Bowser: Anyone else?
Goomba 1: I think that's a good answer.
Bowser roasts the Goomba.
Goomba 2: I thought that was a terrible answer.
Bowser: You got a better one?
Goomba 1: No, I just didn't wanna be burned up.
Bowser: Why is everyone useless? The way I see it, one of you is obviously the King of Uselessness. So let's hold a vote and get rid of that idiot!
A couple minutes later Bowser finds himself kicked out of his castle.
Bowser: The poll was rigged! Rigged I tell you.
Goomba 2: Totally.
Bowser: Why are you out here?
Goomba 2: I'm continually supporting you to avoid becoming roasted Goomba.
Bowser: If you were inside you wouldn't have to worry about it because I'm outside.
Goomba 2: Yeah, but you could come inside.
Bowser: But I've been kicked out...
Goomba 2: It's not like you can't just walk back in through the door.
Bowser: ... I knew that. I was just testing you.
A few minutes later...
Bowser: You didn't tell me the door had a lock.
Goomba 2: I thought that would be obvious.
Bowser: You also didn't tell me that the door is now made of rubber, something I noticed when I tried to ram it down.
Goomba 2: I forgot.
Bowser: You also forgot to mention the moat is now filled with lava, something I found out firsthand after the rubber door bounced me into the moat.
Goomba 2: So that's why you're a pile of ashes. I didn't want to say anything, but...
Bowser: I am very unhappy with you right now.
Goomba 2: I'm sorry you had such a negative experience with the new castle layout. Would you like to leave some feedback so future visitors can know what to expect?
Bowser: Everything stinks.
Goomba 2: Too bad you've been kicked out and thus can't vote.
Bowser: Yeah, well, I let myself back in. How do you like that?
Goomba 2: You're a pile of ashes.
Bowser: Just wait until it rains.
Goomba 2: That makes no sense.
It rains and Bowser goes back to normal.
Goomba 2: You look very handsome.
Bowser: Too late.
Bowser roasts the Goomba. Then he stomps back over to the rubber door and uses his claws to rip it to shreds. Inside he makes his way to the throne.
Bowser: Now you might remember the results of the last poll. However, let's forget about that, and instead focus on how to kidnap Peach without Mario finding out.
Koopa 1: While you were gone we kidnapped Peach, got Mario to pay a $50,000 ransom, and then we locked him up too.
Bowser: All that in the five minutes I was gone?
Koopa 1: Yup.
Bowser: I'm sure it was just a matter of time before it happened. It wouldn't have made a difference if I'd been here or not. Meaning I'll take full credit. Now then, open the cell where the princess is so I can marry her.
Koopa 1: Yes sir.
A group of Koopas open the cell where Mario and Peach are being kept. Mario beats up the Koopas and escapes along with Peach. They raid Bowser's treasury and take all the money before going home.
Bowser: I'm sure it was just a matter of time before that happened too. Obviously me being here didn't have an effect.
Koopa 2: I politely disagree, sir.
Bowser: ... Really? *glares at Koopa 2*
Koopa 2: No sir, I changed my mind.
Bowser: Thank you. Now then, let's celebrate my awesomeness!
The Koopas hold a party. Bowser turns on the stove and the whole castle burns down.
Bowser: ...
Minions: ...
Bowser: All part of my elaborate plan to kidnap Peach. Success!
Koopa 2: Here's a letter from Mario.
Bowser: Hmm...
Dear Bowser,
Happy Birthday!
Bowser: Sweet! It's my birthday!
I've enclosed a cake inside the letter, you just have to look between the lines to find it.
Bowser: ... Man, this is harder than those crossword puzzles.
Bowser spends the next two hours searching for the cake.
Koopa 2: Bowser sir, I believe the cake is a lie, sir.
Bowser: Then do you want to tell me why I spent two hours searching for it?
Koopa 2: No.
Bowser: Why not?
Koopa 2 points to roasted Goombas 1 and 2.
Bowser: I'd like to make an announcement. Everyone listen up!
Koopa 2: I'm the only one who hasn't deserted.
Bowser: I don't care! I like to talk. All right, here's the plan. We send a letter back to Mario letting him know we're invading the Mushroom Kingdom to kidnap Peach, and then when he most expects it, we attack! He'll be so overcome by our stupidity he won't know what to do, and that's when we kidnap Peach and run back to the remains of my castle.
Koopa 2: That's a brilliant plan, sir.
Bowser: (beaming) Isn't it?
Koopa 2: No sir, it's the stupidest plan I've ever heard.
Bowser: Was that meant as a compliment? I sure hope it was!
Koopa 2: ... Yes sir.
Bowser: Okay then. I'm writing the letter now. I'm so excited!
A week later Bowser gets a response.
Dear Bowser,
Happy Birthday!
Here's another cake since the last one was so hard to find. This one is in your moat.
Bowser: It better be!
He jumps in the moat and gets incinerated again.
Koopa 2: ...
Bowser: Stupid Mario! The next time it rains I'm invading the Mushroom Kingdom ASAP! You and me, Koopa. We'll charge headfirst into whatever he throws at us. ... Why are you holding an umbrella over my head?
Koopa 2: Safety reasons, sir.
Bowser: But if you hold the umbrella over my head the rain won't hit me and I'll be a pile of ash forever, thus preventing me from attacking the Mushroom Kingdom!
Koopa 2: Exactly.
Bowser: ... One of us is very stupid. Who is that?
Koopa 2: You sir.
Bowser: Exactly. Thus... no, wait, that's not what I was looking for. Let's try that question again.
Koopa 2: The answer is gonna be the same every time...
Bowser: Then I'll ask a different question. Which one of us has a larger brain, ignoring the fact that my head is five times as big as yours?
Koopa 2: Probably me, sir.
Bowser: EXACTLY! Now what does that tell you- WAIT! WRONG ANSWER! WRONG ANSWER!
Koopa 2: Not really...
Bowser throws a temper tantrum.
Koopa 2: I think I'm gonna leave now...
Bowser: No, I'm gonna leave! REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY! IN YOUR FACE! I WIN! YOU LOSE!
He throws another temper tantrum.
A week later Bowser gets another letter from Mario.
Dear Bowser,
Happy Birthday!
I'm really sorry you've had such a hard time finding your birthday cakes. This time I've placed one in the Mushroom Kingdom jail. Make sure to lock the door after entering.
Bowser: ... Really? He thinks I'm that stupid? No way am I falling for this again! That's what your job is, Koopa. Go to the Mushroom Kingdom jail and get me my cake!
Koopa 2: No thank you, sir.
Bowser: I command you to get me my cake!
Koopa 2: I don't take orders from a pile of ash.
Bowser: In that case... *takes off mask* I'm not really a pile of ash. I'm a pile of dirt. No... that wasn't what I meant to do. Let's try that again. *takes off mask* I'm not really a pile of ash, or a pile of dirt. I'm Ronald Mc- NO! I DON'T WANT TO BE RONALD MCDONALD!
Koopa 2: Let me know when you figure out who you are.
Bowser: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO I AM! JUST GET ME MY CAKE!
Koopa 2: Nah, I've decided to become a plumber like Mario. Bye.
Koopa 2 leaves. Despite being a pile of ash, Bowser does not give up. Eventually the wind blows him into a lake and he reverts to normal. He then goes to the Mushroom Kingdom and kidnaps Peach. Upon his return he notices a note attached to her face.
Dear Bowser,
Happy Birthday!
Bowser: Man, I'm getting old…
I know you have yet to get a birthday cake so I've taped one to Princess Peach's hand. It may look like a bomb, but if you kidnapped the princess without realizing she was a scarecrow wearing a dress you shouldn't notice the difference.
Bowser: You bet I don't!
Bowser eats the bomb.
No, this is too predictable of an ending. So...
Bowser: Where am I?
Mysterious Voice: You're in the land of Cliche Endings.
Bowser: This is just temporary, right? I'm still going to Heaven soon?
Mysterious Voice: No.
Bowser: Then I'd prefer to stay here if that's all right with you.
Mysterious Voice: You're staying here for the rest of your life. And since you're dead that means you shouldn't be staying here because you're no longer alive. Do you know what that means?
Bowser: That you're just as stupid as I am?
Mysterious Voice: Exactly! Now that we've cleared that up it's time to end the story for real.
Whoops! You're not logged in! |