There was once a brave man called Luigi. Luigi constantly fought to protect his loved one, regardless of how tough the battle.
Mario: Gimme the remote!
Luigi: NO!
Mario: Gimme the remote or I'll sit on your head!
Luigi: ... Okay.
Brave Luigi surrenders, but not without a fight. Never a day goes by without the evil Mario trying to make him miserable.
Mario: You've been in the bathroom five hours!
Luigi: I just got in five seconds ago!
Mario: Yeah, but you didn't account for one thing- I don't know how to tell time.
Luigi: ... So what happens now?
Mario: You get out of the bathroom this instant or I'm telling Mama you hogged the bathroom for five hours.
Luigi: Mama isn't even alive anymore!
Mario: Yeah, well, I'm telling Papa.
Luigi: Neither is Papa...
Mario: Then I'm telling a random stranger on the street.
Mario runs outside and gets run over. Finally Luigi is at peace. Unfortunately, Mario has a lot of 1-Up Mushrooms.
Mario: I'm okay!
He gets run over again. For now Luigi is safe, but bedtime is always a nightmare…
Luigi: Goodnight, Mario.
Mario: Goodnight, Luigi.
Luigi: ...
Mario: ...
Luigi: Why is there a gun on my bed?
Mario: I didn't do it!
Luigi: Mario, this is a BB gun so you obviously didn't do much.
Mario: I DIDN'T DO IT! *breaks down crying*
Luigi: Mario, it's okay. I'll turn on the lights and we can get some cheese.
Mario: *sniff* Okay.
Luigi turns on the lights and sees Mario has broken all of the objects in his room with the BB gun.
Mario: It has your fingerprints on it.
While Mario may make Luigi's life miserable, even worse is the mailman.
Luigi: I'm out to get the mail!
Mailman: Hi, Luigi.
Luigi: Hi, Mr. Mailman. Are you gonna put the mail in the right mailbox today?
Mailman: Nope! Good luck figuring out which is yours. *drives away*
Luigi opens his neighbor's mail and finds his own mail inside. Thankful he didn't have to search the whole neighborhood, he heads toward his house, when all of a sudden his neighbor leaps from the window and beats him up for opening his mail. After that he takes Luigi's mail and sticks it in the paper shredder, then beats up Luigi again. Then the neighbor jumps back in his house through the window and goes back to bed.
However, the worst is yet to come for Luigi, as the phone rings.
Luigi: I'll get it!
He picks up the phone.
???: Hi, Luigi.
Luigi: I know it's you, Mario. I have caller ID.
???: I'm Ronald McDonald.
Luigi: Nice try, Mario.
Luigi walks to Mario's bedroom and sees Ronald McDonald on the phone.
Luigi: How'd you get in the house?
Ronald: I took the super-secret entrance.
Luigi: Which is?
Ronald: It varies every time.
He points to the six holes in the walls from previous entries.
Luigi: Grr.
While Mario and the mailman intentionally make Luigi's life miserable, Ronald thinks he's making Luigi happy.
Ronald: I ate all the food in the house so you wouldn't have to worry about gaining weight. I also know you're self-conscious about the holes in the wall so I made six new holes on the other side to divert your attention away from the original six holes.
Luigi: Get out of my house.
Ronald: Is that a multiple choice question? If so my answer is D, None of the above. Better to be safe than sorry.
Luigi: Get out of my house or I'll call the police.
Ronald: Not if I do first!
Ronald dials 911.
911: This is 911, what is your emergency?
Ronald: Hi! It's Ronald McDonald!
The entire US Army arrives at the Mario Bros. house.
Luigi: Good gravy!
Ronald: Your gravy did taste very good. Well, I'm off to take my annual leap off the Grand Canyon.
Ronald skips out of the house seconds before ten tanks blow up the house.
Captain Toadinski: Did we get him? Oh well, doesn't matter. It's fun just blowing stuff up.
The US Army leaves.
Luigi: I'm having a bad day.
That evening while Luigi is sleeping where his bed once was and Mario is sleeping on top of him, Luigi has a dream where he's a hundred feet high and is chasing after Mario, the mailman, and Ronald McDonald. He catches them and stomps them all into pancakes. After that syrup rains from the sky and Luigi eats the three pancakes that are now covered in syrup. Suddenly Luigi wakes up and notices that Mario is pouring syrup on him.
Mario: We're out of food so I'm making do with what we have.
Luigi has had enough. He decides to go to counseling.
Counselor: What seems to be the problem?
Luigi: Everything.
Counselor: That's great! More money for me.
Luigi: My brother picks on me constantly, my mailman puts my mail in other people's mailboxes, and Ronald McDonald breaks into my house and eats all my food on a daily basis.
Counselor: Can you sign this agreement?
Luigi: What does it say?
Counselor: It says I don't have to listen to all your blabbering about how much your life stinks and just nod and say "Mhmm" every so often and then after 45 minutes I get paid.
Luigi: No thanks.
Counselor: Okay. Then this is a hold-up.
Luigi: ... What?
Two men jump into the building through the window, one of them being Luigi's neighbor, and beat up Luigi and take all his money. Then the two men and the counselor jump out the window.
Luigi: Everyone in this story has tremendous leg strength.
Just then Petey Piranha flies through the window and eats Luigi.
Luigi: My day just keeps getting better and better.
A couple hours later Luigi is spit out.
Luigi: I don't like this story.
Luigi looks around him. The grass is green, the sky is blue, the sun is yellow, and the author is done pointing out the obvious. Luigi feels at peace, despite being covered in gook from being eaten. He realizes that all he needs to be happy is simply not being anywhere near Mario, the mailman, or Ronald McDonald. He starts to walk around, feeling happier every second. Suddenly he has a realization. He's on a golf course. Just then he gets hit with hundreds of golf balls and is knocked unconscious.
Luigi wakes up and finds himself in the hospital. Mario is there, as are the mailman and Ronald McDonald.
Luigi: Why is everyone here?
Mario: I heard you were hurt and came running as soon as I had finished eating cheese, reading, watching TV, using the bathroom, eating more cheese, going to bed, waking up, and remembering you were hurt.
Mailman: I told Mario you were hurt after I finished hitting golf balls at you.
Ronald: I thought you were taking a nap so I didn't do anything.
Luigi: You guys are awesome. Thank you so much for caring.
Ronald starts to cry and runs out of the room, overcome with emotion and stupidity. He forgets that stairs don't work like elevators and trips on the top step, falling four floors down before rolling out the door and onto the highway, causing a giant traffic jam. He gets up, completely unharmed, and happily waves to some drivers, a couple of which try to run him over. Ronald helps them out by intentionally moving in front of their vehicles, which fakes out the drivers so much they accidentally hit the self-destruct buttons in their cars (a brand new safety feature on all new 2011 Toyotas- get yours today!). Ronald thinks there's a party and runs home (on the wrong side of the road) to get decorations. While the mailman and Mario are distracted watching Ronald, Luigi sneaks to the airport and buys a ticket to Hawaii, where he lives happily ever after, at least until Mario and the mailman move there to harass him. Ronald spends the rest of his days learning how to avoid traffic by trial and error (a whole lot more error than trial).
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