(Parody of Let’s Destroy the Shagohod, by Hiimdaisy. Written with her permission.)
Toadsworth: Koopas kidnapped a scientist and want to blow everyone up. Mario, get in there!
Mario doesn’t have a hat.
Mario: Okeydokey!
Toadsworth: Just kidding, first I’m going to talk about Super Mario Bros. 3 while you jump out of the airplane we’re in. Koopas, Koopas, Koopas-
Mario parachutes out and lands in the Koopa Kingdom.
Mario: Okeydokey! Time to-
Chckk!
Mario responds to a radio signal.
RADIO CONVERSATION:
Toadsworth: Mario, I’m introducing your support team. My name is Toadsworth and I’m British.
Toadette: Hi Mario, I’m Toadette and I like movies!
Toadsworth: Oh, and we also got your mentor-
Cackletta: Mario, it’s-
Mario: BOSS! WHY’D YOU LEAVE ME, BOSS?!
Cackletta: Mario-
Mario: I’M SO LONELY WITHOUT YOU!
Cackletta: Mario, you need to learn how to be a soldier. Today’s friends could be tomorrow’s enemies. Like next week when we’ll fight to the death.
Mario: What?
Toadsworth: Mario, the mission!
END TRANSMISSION!
Cackletta (on radio): Remember to do Close Quarters Combat properly.
Mario: Okeydokey! ... Foot... hammer... Foot and hammer. Commencing Super Mega Mission... NOW!
Chckk!
Mario: Or after this call.
RADIO:
Toadsworth: Waluigi’s being kept in a factory somewhere.
Mario: Okeydokey!
Toadsworth: But we’re in the nineties so there’s no Super Guide and you can’t ground pound. Also this is Super Hard Mode so you’ll die if enemies see you.
Mario: ... So what do I do?
Toadsworth: I don’t know, hide in a bush or something!
END TRANSMISSION!
Waluigi: WAAH! Everything’s scary! Bowser’s gonna get me and take my giant robot! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Mario: Calm down, I’m gonna-
Waluigi: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
He screams as Mario takes him to a bridge.
Mario: Okeydokey, time to-
Fawful: WAIT! I have coolness! Does anyone want to be seeing?
Mario: No.
Fawful: B-but I can be doing a spinny trick with my gun of lasers!
Mario: Pfft!
Fawful: Somebody... finds me to be lacking coolness! SELF ESTEEM TEAM!
Laser Snifits: Aww, did the big, scary plumber hurt your feelings?
Fawful: Confidence restored! What is with the mustache of stupidity?
Mario jumps on Fawful’s head.
Mario: Maybe if you learned how to speak English you’d stink less! ... Now where’d Waluigi go?
Waluigi: Too much fighting! I’m getting ou- AAAH! The thing they made me build, the Megaleg! It’s gonna start Super Mario Bros. 4 and kill us all!
Mario: Why would you build it?
Waluigi: They made me or else I’d never see my mother again!
Mario: But now-
Waluigi: No time, Bowser’s coming!
Bowser walks up with Cackletta, who’s wearing a red hat.
Cackletta: Good job, Mario, we’re taking Waluigi away now.
Mario: Boss, what are you doing in Dark Land?
Diddy Kong floats over to the group while hiding in a cloud of bees. Diddy picks up Waluigi.
Diddy: HI!
Waluigi: How are bees able to lift you?!
Cackletta: NOW IT’S RAINING VIM!
It’s actually raining water.
Mario: ... So can I go home?
Bowser: RAIN, RAIN, GO AWAY!
It stops raining.
Cackletta: So yeah, I’m switching to Bowser’s side now.
Mario: What?!
Cackletta: Hey Bowser, I got you the Giant Land Wand!
Bowser: YES! How did you know?! ... Hey plumber, can you see my face?
Mario: Yes?
Bowser: HE’S SEEN MY FACE, WE MUST KILL HIM! I’ll do it with fire breath!
Cackletta: No, I trained him, I get to beat him up.
Mario: Boss, I don’t want to have to do this, but I’ve got no choice!
Mario and Cackletta start having a thumb war. Then using only her thumb, Cackletta flings Mario off the bridge. Mario grabs her hat as he falls.
Mario: AAAAAAAAAA - STOLE YOUR HAT - AAAAAAA!
Bowser and Cackletta bump knuckles. Mario wakes up near a river.
RADIO!
Mario: Major Toadsworth, Cackletta defected!
Toadsworth: Whatever, talk to Toadette.
Toadette: Every time you get hurt, you have to open up your item bag and go through your inventory to find the correct Mushroom or power-up to help you.
Mario: Isn’t that more obnoxious than it should be?
Toadette: It’s realistic!
END TRANSMISSION!
Meanwhile...
Bowser: With the Megaleg, Plit will be ours!
Fawful: What shall we be doing with the girlfriend of Waluigi?
Bowser: How’d Waluigi get a girlfriend as hot as her, seriously?! ... WHATEVER, TIME TO PLAY WITH THIS WAND!
Fawful: You cannot be firing that on your own men-
Bowser: I’M BOWSER! I CAN DO WHAT I WANT!
Bowser shoots a ray at Boom Boom’s Fortress. It grows so large that the island it’s on crumbles and the castle (along with everyone in it) falls into lava.
Bowser: ... Cackletta did that!
The castle’s landing causes a lot of lava to splash onto the land.
Mario: Isn’t it a bit dangerous for me to be this close to-
SHROOM EATEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!
Days later...
Toadsworth: Okay, so Super Mega Mission didn’t work, but check out the phone call the Chancellor got!
Mario watches a recording:
Mushroom Chancellor: Panicking! Panicking!
Kamek’s Voice: Threatening! Threatening!
Toadsworth: Mario, get in there and fix everything!
Mario: But I just fell several-
Toadsworth: DO IT!
Mario’s back in Dark Land.
Mario: Okeydokey, time to-
Chckk!
RADIO:
Toadsworth: Okay, so this is Operation Shroom Eater, this time you gotta save Waluigi again, destroy the Megaleg, then kill Bowser and Cackletta.
Mario: But-
Toadsworth: NO, SHE’S A FILTHY TRAITOR! NOW KILL HER!
END TRANSMISSION!
Mario: Is that a rocket chair in the middle of nowhere? Well, food’s food, these are hard times-
Cackletta: Don’t make me throw you into the lava pit.
Mario: Boss, what are-
Cackletta raises her arms. Her pits stink.
Mario: *sniff* EW! Boss, don’t make me-
Cackletta takes Mario’s hammer and snaps the handle on her knee.
Cackletta: You can’t beat me if you hang onto the past, just look at that hat!
Mario’s wearing Cackletta’s old red hat with a picture of a super deformed Mario and Cackletta. Cackletta gets in her rocket chair and runs over Mario.
Cackletta: I’ll kill you next time I see you okay bye.
Mario erases the picture off his hat and draws an M in its place.
Toadsworth (on transmitter): Mario, are you okay?
Mario: She broke my hammer, this is too hard, I can’t do this!
Toadsworth: Boohoo, go talk to ADAM, he’ll help.
Mario: Okeydokey, time to find-
Peach in her biker suit: Me! ADAM couldn’t make it, I’m Peach! I was sent to-
Mario: Whatever, I want to talk about power-ups!
Peach: Well there’s this Fire Flow-
Mario: MMMMM!
Mario takes the Fire Flower.
Mario: THISISTHEBESTPOWERUPEVERWHEREDIDYOUGETTHIS?! ... You know, maybe I shouldn’t trust you.
Peach: I’m gonna go do stuff that’s NOT suspicious!
Mario: Okeydokey, time to-
Laser Snifits: BEAN UNIT, GO!
Mario: ...
Fawful is seen holding his laser gun to Peach’s head. He’s holding her down to his level.
Fawful: Check it out, isn’t this gun and my mastery of English totally cool?
Mario: Yeah... for a baby!
Fawful: ( D: ) WAIT, WHAT?! NOOOO!
Peach gets away and runs over Fawful with her Dolphin Dasher.
Fawful: Okay, I deserved that...
Fawful gets back up.
Fawful: I’m gonna find out where the trigger is, then you’ll think I’m cool!
Mario: Yeah, whatever.
RADIO:
Toadsworth: Mario, you need to talk to Toad.
Mario: Who?
Toad: Yo Mario, if you need someone to talk to about useless Mushroom trivia, I’m your man!
Mario: Cool, I’m a connoisseur of Mushrooms!
Peach: Hi Mario, I’m with Bowser!
Mario: Peach, why would anyone ever defect to Bowser?
Peach: I used to live in a rural part of the kingdom, but then I found out there were other kingdoms! So I defected.
Mario: ... Wh-
Peach: Shut up.
END TRANSMISSION!
Further into Dark Land...
Fawful: Waaaa- Er, I see you arrived! You’re mine! LASER SNIFITS!
Laser Snifits: HAI-YA!
Fawful: Scared?
Mario: Are these your cheerleaders? Can’t fight me without them?
Another Magikoopa: Hey, I hope I’m not interrupting-
He’s walked in on the scene of the murder.
Mario/Magikoopa: ... AAAAAAAH!
Mario: Now to-
Wario: TALK TO ME! 99 HEADS OF GARLIC ON THE WALL, 99 HEADS OF GARLIIIIIC!
Mario: Uh-
Wario: You know what’d be awesome? A Super Castle!
Mario: SUPER CASTLE?! What’s that?
Wario: It’s a castle, but it can turn into a fighting robot with cannons! It’s awesome! The Megaleg is stupid! But nobody agreed with me, so I got fat.
Mario: Okeydokey, time to go to Bowser’s Castle!
Mario goes out into a forest of dead trees.
Diddy Kong: EEEEEEEEEEE! I am Diddy Kong and I represent fear! FEAR! Will you be scared of me if I jump around shooting peanuts while I say things?
Mario: No.
Diddy does exactly what he said.
Diddy: Fear, FEAR, FEAR, FEAR, FEAR-
He explodes.
Diddy’s echo-y dying words: FEEEEEEEEAAAR!!!!
Mario: ...
RADIO!:
Mario: Who is it?!
Peach: Watch out, Mario, Smithy’s waiting for you up ahead! He’s not like Blooper and Diddy Kong!
Mario: GOOD!
Peach: No, bad! He’s a robot that’s, like, a thousand years old! He practically invented the hammer! Bye!
END TRANSMISSION!
Mario: O-okeydokey?
Smithy appears with a parrot on his shoulder.
Smithy: No. I am Smithy, and this is your end. END! ... So wanna have a really long fight?
The parrot flies over to the ground in front of Mario.
Smithy: Touch my parrot-
Smithy hits him again.
Smithy: HAMMER TO THE FACE!
Mario: WHAT THIS IS I DON’T EVEN-
Smithy: And whenever my health is almost empty, I smelt down little Goombas to make nutritious robot snacks to heal me up.
Mario: Uh-
He hits Mario.
Smithy: THEN I HAMMER YOU!
RADIO!
Mario: What do I do?!
Toad: Use the thermal goggles! Oh wait, they won’t work, he’s a robot.
END TRANSMISSION!
Smithy hammers Mario on the head. Eventually Mario wakes up in Diamond Lab.
Mario: ... Where am I? Well, I think I know where I am, but if that’s right then that means Smithy managed to drag me ALL the way back to this place, but there’s no way that-
Wario: Hi.
Mario: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Mario runs outside.
Buzzy Beetle: Sir, I think I-
Mario: AAAAAA- CAN’T HEAR YOU - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
With Smithy and his parrot...
Smithy: So later we could see a movie and-
Mario: -AAAAAAAAAAA-
Mario tackles Smithy, defeating him. Smithy explodes.
Mario: Okeydokey! Now to climb a really long ladder!
Mario starts climbing. Near the top...
Mario: I sure hope I don’t have to come back down for any-
SHROOM EATEEEEEEEEEEEER!
Mario finds Peach at the top.
Mario: Mamamia, how’d you get that black eye?
Peach: Bowser did it, he’s crazy! So anyway, you ready to kill Cackletta? What kind of relationship do you have anyway?
Mario: She’s my master, and practically my mother.
Peach: Like a girlfriend?!
Mario: No, it’s not like that, I just said she’s practically-
Peach: But you’re a boy and a girl, and they’re always in love!
Mario: Peach, have you ever been in a meaningful relationship?
Peach: Nope! ... Hey Mario, wanna smooch?
Bowser’s voice: WHO WANTS TO WATCH ME BEAT THE STUFFING OUT OF WARIO?!
Cut to Bowser next to a trash can containing Wario’s body.
Bowser: I DOOOOO!
Bowser starts punching the can.
Fawful: Sir, I don’t approve of-
Bowser: GRRRRRRR!
Fawful: I’MSORRYI’MSORRYI’MSORRY!
Bowser: This is war, there could be a spy among us.
Cackletta: Diddy Kong and Smithy died.
Bowser: Why does your unit stink at this?!
Cackletta: ...
Bowser: I’MSORRYI’MSORRYI’MSORRY!
Cackletta: The Mushroom Kingdom not only wants to destroy me and the Megaleg, but they also want - The Golden Mushroom.
Bowser: D : < !!!!!!!
Fawful: D 8 > !!!!!!
Peach (wearing a shell): What’d I miss?
Fawful notices the word “spy” written on the shell.
Fawful: Nice shell.
Mario is on a cliff nearby.
Mario: I’m so glad I could hear all of that perfectly from this distance.
Fiery Dino Piranha: I am Fiery Dino Piranha and I represent fury! I came here from space and now I want to set Plit on FIRE!
Mario: I’m just gonna-
Fiery Dino Piranha tackles Mario.
Fiery Dino Piranha: CAN YOU FEEL MY FURY, MARIO?! CAN YOU?!
Mario gets up and does the spin attack on Fiery Dino Piranha’s tail.
Fiery Dino Piranha: OW, MY TAIL! AND HEAD! FORGET THIS WHOLE THING! WE LEAVE THE REST UP TO YOU, BOSS!
Fiery Dino Piranha explodes and a fire ghost starts chasing after Mario.
FDP’s Ghost: DON’T SEE THE LAST AIRBENDER, IT’S A BAD MOVIE! IT DID WORSE THAN TWILIGHT EVEN!
Mario: WHAT?!
BOOM!
Mario wakes up outside the collapsed dungeon.
Toadsworth’s voice: Mario, you beat all of Cackletta’s men!
Mario: Woohoo!
Mario gets up.
Mario: Okeydokey, time to break into Bowser’s Castle!
RADIO!
Peach: You have to disguise yourself as Bowser’s friend, Army Hammer Bro. first!
Mario: Okay.
END TRANSMISSION!
Army Hammer Bro: Hi.
Mario: Uh, hi?
Mario waves his hand and accidentally shoots a fireball at Army Hammer Bro’s face, killing him.
Mario: I have to stop that.
Mario steals the shell and helmet off of him and looks for Waluigi. Peach is interrogating him.
Peach: Tell me about the Golden Mushroom or I’ll use this lipstick on you!
Waluigi: NOOOOO! I don’t know!
Peach: Okay.
She leaves and Mario goes in.
Mario: Okay Waluigi, let’s go-
Waluigi: Too late! The Megaleg is finished! It can shoot nuclear Bullet Bills at the Mushroom Kingdom! Bowser’s gonna mass produce more Megalegs and takeover the world! AAAAAAA-
Mario: Waluigi, calm down, all I have to do is blow everything up! So let’s go!
Waluigi: No. But take care of my family.
Waluigi hands Mario a photo of his wife and daughter. Waluigi’s kid looks like she’s demon possessed.
Mario: ‘: (
Bowser: BOWSER TIME!
Mario: Mamamia!
Bowser: Army Hammer Bro, we were all waiting for you in the throne room! We’re all playing Monopoly!
Waluigi: NOT MONOPOLY!
Meanwhile...
P.T.: ... Wait, that’s not how it goes! ... Didn’t they play Chutes and Ladders in her comic?
Back in the castle...
Bowser: Hey wait... I know my minions’ faces, and none of them have mustaches! We shave around here! I’m so mad!
Bowser punches Waluigi with all his might, leaving him gasping. Cackletta pulls the helmet up off of Mario’s head, but the straps cause the helmet to snap onto his head.
Mario: OW!
Cackletta: What’s that stupid disguise?
Bowser: Can I hurt him too?
Cackletta: I’m leaving.
Fawful: Hi!
Cackletta: You fail at everything.
Fawful: :; (
Bowser: Do you know what happens when you kill my minions?
Mario: I didn’t mean to-
Bowser breathes fire on him.
Mario: AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
Mario’s unconscious. When he wakes up there’s a bag over his head so he can’t see anything, but he can hear the sounds of Bowser killing Waluigi.
Bowser’s voice: Bowser PAUNCH!
Waluigi’s voice: NOOOO!
He gets punched.
Bowser’s voice: Show your moves! ... Well he’s dead, your turn!
He takes the bag off of Mario’s head. Mario isn’t wearing the helmet or shell anymore. Bowser punches him.
Cackletta: He won’t talk, I trained him better than that.
Bowser: So? I can breathe fire! (to Mario) YOU WANT THE GOLDEN MUSHROOM, DON’T YOU?!
Cut to Fawful watching.
Mario’s voice: Not rea- AAAAA! IT BURNS!
Fawful: Must... take... pictures... for Facebook...
Back to Mario and Bowser.
Bowser: In case you do want the Golden Mushroom, let me tell you what it is and where to find it!
Bowser punches Mario, which reveals the transmitter.
Cackletta: Uhh, I put that there?
Bowser: You’re making me suspicious!
Cackletta: ...
Bowser: Er, uh, I mean... just to be sure... could you maybe... I dunno, give him a game over?
Bowser gives her an Ultra Hammer. Cackletta creeps over to Mario.
Fawful: Aww, don’t interrupt her! (to Bowser) Sir, I think Peach is the spy!
Bowser: Huh? Sure, whatever kid.
Fawful: Then I shall kill her!
Fawful walks over to Peach and prepares to shoot a laser at her.
Mario: Oh no you don’t!
Mario kicks Fawful, causing the laser to hit his eye.
Mario: MAMAMIA!
Fawful: Why doesn’t anyone ever let me shoot things?!
Bowser: Okay, I’m bored!
Bowser walks out of the room.
Fawful: Hey Mario, all that fire breathing action sure was hot, lemme tell ya. Get it?
Mario: ... Not funny.
Cackletta: I’m gonna break your skull with this hammer.
She hits him in the leg.
Cackletta: Nah, just kidding.
Mario: WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?!
Cackletta and Fawful leave.
Peach: Hey Mario, I’ve got your stuff, let’s meet outside.
Mario: ‘Kay.
Soon Mario is somehow free.
RADIO!
Toadette: Mario, did you ever see Golden Toad, the movie?
Mario: No?
Toadette: Well after that laser to the eye, you can only see half of it now!
Toad: OOOOOOH!
Mario: ... Now what?
Toadsworth: Go into the sewers.
END TRANSMISSION!
Mario climbs down the ladder into the sewers.
What a thrill...
Mario: Shut up.
Fawful: Now’s my chance to kill you! Using the same laser gun from the day we met!
Mario: You kept that?
Laser Snifit 1: Oh yeah, he’s a huge fan! Fawful has a whole collection of Mario dolls!
Fawful: 0_0,
Laser Snifit 2: Like this one time-
Fawful zaps Laser Snifit 3 to shut the others up. Mario jumps out of the sewer and into the river below.
Bogmire: We’re gonna take a look at everyone you’ve killed... on this mission, that is. Then maybe you’ll think before you cause more game overs...
Blooper’s Ghost: BEEES!
Diddy’s Ghost: EEEEEE!
Smithy’s Ghost: HAMMER!
Fiery Dino Piranha’s Ghost: FURY!
Army Hammer Bro’s Ghost: I knew I should’ve went to college!
Mario: That’s rough.
Bogmire: And sad...
Magikoopa’s Ghost: I knew I should’ve dropped out of college!
Mario: I remember that guy! Got ya good, didn’t I?
Bogmire: ??? Okay, you know what? Just GET OUT!
Mario somehow wakes up underwater and swims to the surface.
RADIO!
Mario: Major, I met a ghost!
Toadsworth: No one cares, talk to Toad!
Toad: Bogmire was one of Cackletta’s henchmen but she had to kill him after Super Mario Bros. 3 because it was her orders. Rumor has it he turned into a ghost that embodies collective sadness.
Mario: That’s almost interesting.
END TRANSMISSION!
Mario: Okeydokey! Time to meet with-
Peach: Me!
Mario: Yeah, actually.
SHROOM EATEEEEER!
Mario’s wearing an eye patch now.
Peach: Here’s a Gooey Bomb so you can blow up Megaleg.
Mario: Okay. But watch out, I think Fawful’s onto you.
Peach: No man alive can resist my charms!
Mario: But-
Peach: Dolphin Dasher, go!
She rides her bike away. Later, Mario is in a hangar and by the Megaleg.
Mario: I can make this Gooey Bomb into cool shapes!
He shapes it like a snowflake. Then he shapes it like a DNA helix.
Toadsworth’s voice: Mario!
Mario: Oh, right.
Mario sticks it on the Megaleg.
Mario: Now I can-
Bowser and Fawful: HI!
Mario: ...
Cackletta appears behind him.
Cackletta: Hello, Mario. I bet you didn’t see me coming without that eye, huh? Loser.
Bowser: I saw Peach messing around in my treasure vault! I can’t believe she’s the spy! It almost hurts me to breathe fire on her. GRAAAAA-
He starts roasting her.
Mario: I forgot, what’s the Golden Mushroom?
Bowser: Okay, I’ll tell you before I get into a fight with you and lose. Ahem... MUSHROOM KINGDOM, KOOPA KINGDOM, BEANBEAN KINGDOM! SECRET PACT! LOTS OF MONEY! MUSHROOM WORTH MILLIONS! MY DAD HAD IT! NOW I DO!
Bowser hands Cackletta the Golden Mushroom.
Bowser: Psst! Keep this safe!
Cackletta: There are explosives somewhere.
Bowser: Coo’.
Fawful: All right, Mario, time to-
Bowser: Major, I said-
Fawful: ( DX ) NO! SHUT UP, YOU NEVER LET ME DO ANYTHING COOL!
Bowser: Did I mention that I can use myself as a cannonball?
Fawful: ... Wha-
Bowser, rolled into a shell ball, runs over Fawful. He then grabs an axe. The part of the floor that Mario and Bowser are on breaks away and the two fall into a pit.
Bowser: NOW WE’LL SETTLE THIS LIKE MEN!
The two start fighting.
Fawful’s voice: Get him, Mario!
Bowser: Fawful, whose side are you on?!
Fawful’s voice: Uhh... Well...
A few jumps on the head later...
Bowser: WAAAH! THIS IS TOO HARD! FAWFUL, YOU KILL HIM!
Fawful: Sorry, Bowser, but I made a promise to Cackletta.
FLASHBACK!
Cackletta: Hit Mario and no more sandwiches EVER!
Fawful: Nooooo!
END FLASHBACK!
Bowser: Falcon Punch!
Bowser jumps up and tries to Falcon Punch Fawful, but gets zapped by a laser to the fist.
Fawful: I have chortles!
Bowser: Just go find the bomb! *turns to Mario* As for you... WAIT, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
He notices Mario climbing a ladder out of the arena.
What a fear in my heart...
Mario: How do I leave?
Peach is there with Mario’s kart from Mario Kart Double Dash.
Peach: With me!
They ride out of the castle together as it explodes. They stop after crossing the drawbridge.
Peach: Cackletta’s waiting by the lake, please don’t fight her! Oh, she also said you had pure eyes. Or... a pure eye at least.
Mario: Can we stop talking about my eyes?
The Megaleg comes rampaging out of the ruins of Bowser Castle. Bowser’s piloting it from the inside.
Bowser’s voice: DID YOU REALLY THINK YOU’D LEAVE WITHOUT FIGHTING THIS STUPID ROBOT?!
Peach: I’ll drive, you shoot fireballs or throw Bob-ombs or something!
Mario: Okeydokey!
Peach is driving recklessly and bumping into things.
Peach: Maybe you should AIM?!
Mario: I want to trade jobs!
Fawful is chasing them with his rocket platform.
Fawful: I spent all my money ever on this!
Fawful uses a blowgun to shoot a dart at Mario. Mario dodges.
Fawful: NOOOO! CURSE YOU, SHAMWOW GUY!
A bunch of Shy Guys are following in generic karts, but the Megaleg tramples all over them.
Peach: Mario, you have to blow up the bridge after we pass but before the Megaleg does!
Mario: Okay.
After crossing, Mario shoots a fireball at the Gooey Bomb on the bridge, detonating it and causing the Megaleg to fall with it. But then the Megaleg jumps off the ruins of the bridge it’s on and lands in the area with Mario and Peach. Yeah, that’s logical.
Mario: Okay, you drive in circles around it and I’ll attack.
Peach: But weren’t we already-
Mario: Shut up!
Bowser’s voice: DIE!
Mario throws a Bob-omb at the Megaleg’s legs, causing them to break down. Bowser gets out and stands on top of the Megaleg.
Bowser: I’ll breathe fire into the furnace and power this thing myself if I have to!
Mario: I’m pretty sure I just broke all of its legs! The power source isn’t the problem!
There’s the sound of thunder. Instead of telling the rain to go away like usual, Bowser says...
Bowser: Pfft! Stupid rain!
He gets hit with a lightning bolt and dies.
Mario: Okeydokey, now to finish the mission!
Shy Guys fly up in Clown Copter bowls.
Shy Guys: No, we’re lonely!
Mario and Peach drive off, chased by the Shy Guys.
Mario: This kart’s not doing so well, let’s take a look at it.
Mario and Peach look at their tank, ignoring all the warning signs. They run into a log and it gets flipped over. Mario and Peach land on the ground and the kart lands on Peach.
Mario: Peach!
He pushes the kart off her body.
Mario: Peac,h get up!
Peach: Mario... go on without me...
Mario: No Peach, I need you!
Peach: :; o
Mario: To quit crying and pilot our getaway plane!
Peach: WAAAH! I’M SO HUNGRY, I CAN’T MOVE FAST, MY WHOLE BODY HURTS-
Shy Guy voice: I think I hear them over here.
The Shy Guy walks up to Mario and Peach. Mario’s covering Peach’s mouth but she’s still going on about things.
Mario: Moo.
Shy Guy: Oh wait, it’s just a cow.
The Shy Guy leaves them alone. Mario and Peach then make it to a lake on the border of Dark Land and the Mushroom Kingdom.
Peach: We’re here! And I can run again!
Peach runs off to find the plane.
Mario: Now we can-
Cackletta: Hi.
Mario: Boss!
Cackletta: Darkness is light’s dark of dark light in the night of dark darkness with the light light in the dark of light darkness.
Mario: ...?
Cackletta: Okay, time to die.
Mario: Wait, why?!
Cackletta: Not now, it’s storytime.
Mario: Yay!
Cackletta: Now for the story of “Cackletta and the Evil Political Figures”.
She opens a book.
Once upon a time they used me to test atomic stuff. Then I went into space. Then the Beanbean Kingdom betrayed me when I went to Yoshi’s Island. Then the Mushroom Kingdom government made me kill Bogmire years later-
Mario’s voice: I don’t like this story!
Cackletta’s voice: Shh!
Queen Bean, the Mushroom Chancellor, and Kamek all wanted the war to go on forever and my dad was Sir Lima, Queen Bean’s former assistant. Bogmire and I got married at one point and I had Fawful. Then the political people took him to Dark Land while I was on a mission.
Mario’s voice: You were on a mission while you were having a baby?!
FLASHBACK!
Cackletta: Okay, let’s do this.
Diddy: Uhh... Boss... EEEE...
Fiery Dino Piranha: We were hoping you’d figure it out yourself, but...
Cut to pregnant Cackletta.
Bogmire’s voice: Maybe you should sit this one out?
Cackletta: HE’S MY BABY! I CAN DO WHAT I WANT!
Cackletta falls over.
Blooper: Now what?
Smithy: ... I don’t know.
END FLASHBACK!
Cackletta: I’ve got the scars to prove it-
Mario: Okay, that’s nice.
Cackletta: Now we have ten minutes to fight before we get nuked right here on the spot. GO.
They fight.
SHROOM EATEEEEEER!
Cackletta is on her knee.
Cackletta: Now... finish it...
Mario sadly jumps on her, depleting her last hit point. She dies. Mario notices her rocket chair nearby, broken down.
On the plane...
Peach: Mario, are you okay, you look like you killed your mother!
Mario: ...
Fawful, with his headgear, flies up to the plane.
Fawful: MARIO! I’m gonna make you think I’m cool if it’s the last thing I do!
Fawful releases himself from the helmet and swings himself into the plane.
Fawful: Time to fight!
Mario: No.
Fawful: Laser Gun Roulette?
Mario: No.
Fawful: What’s your real name?
Mario: Mario.
Fawful: Oh... I guess you weren’t using a fake then... Well... See ya... (Cool exit! Must think of cool exit!)
Mario: ...
Peach: ...
Fawful: Uhhhh... Mustard!
Fawful jumps into the water below the plane.
Koopa Airship Pilots: We’re gonna bomb ya!
Peach’s voice: No!
Pilots: Nah, just kidding.
Peach’s voice: That’s a good one!
Mario and Peach are in Mario’s house now.
Peach: And that’s how we ended up here.
Mario: I know, I was there.
Peach: Now kiss me, you don’t have any work to get in the way!
Mario: Umm... Okeydokey?
Chcck!
Mario: Stupid radio...
Peach takes it and throws it into the fireplace.
Mario: Okeydokey!
Toadsworth’s voice: No Mario, she wants the Golden Mushroom you took from Cackletta!
The next week Mario goes outside to check the mail. There’s a device in his mailbox with a note attached with Peach’s signature. Mario makes himself breakfast while listening.
Peach’s voice: I was a spy, I’m taking the Golden Mushroom, sorry about that. Oh, and the Mushroom Kingdom government made you kill Cackletta in a big plan so you could get the Golden Mushroom for them.
Mario: l: (
In the royal castle...
Chancellor: Good job killing Cackletta. You’ve earned the title of SUPER Mario!
As Mario walks out of the castle, he’s got the recording device with him. Peach is still talking.
Peach’s voice: Oh by the way, she was doing this whole thing all for the Mushroom Kingdom but in secret and... uh... stuff...
Mario notices Yellow Toad spraying silly string on Cackletta’s grave. He gives a thumbs up to Mario. The next day there’s a shocking headline in the newspaper.
“CRAZY WAR HERO ASSAULTS YELLOW TOAD”
The End
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