One day as Mario was eating pizza, he heard a noise outside. It was a Paratroopa bringing the mail. Mario pressed a button on the TV remote to open the door, but nothing happened.

Mario: Darn! Maybe it needs new batteries.

Luigi: Guess what, Mario? You got mail!

Mario: Ugh. The only mail I get is from Princess Peach saying she got kidnapped, and bills. It's gotten to a point where I'm afraid to open the mail.

Luigi: I didn't know you hated bills that much. I'm the one that pays them regardless.

Mario: No, Luigi, I hate getting mail from Princess Peach. It means I have to risk my life rescuing her. I don't even like her. I just pretend to in order to get the unlimited pizza she gives me if I rescue her. But lately the rescuing has been getting more frequent, and the pizza more stale. I just don't think it's worth it anymore.

Luigi: 'K, well, here's a letter from Peach:

Dear Mario,

I've been kidnapped by Peach and need your help.

Sincerely,�
Bowser

Mario: Uhm, what?

Luigi: Something the matter?

Mario: Uhm, yeah, I think my brain is going through a midlife crisis.

Luigi: We already went over this, Mario; it's called stupidity. You just have a whole lot more of it than most other people.

Mario: I just got a letter from Bowser saying he'd been kidnapped by Peach.

Luigi: Good luck in the mental hospital, Mario.

Mario: I'm gonna go over to the princess' castle and make sure everything is all right.

*At Princess Peach's Castle*

Mario: Princess Peach!

Peach: Mario, what a surprise! Are you finally ready to take the next step?

Mario: What?

Peach: Y'know, getting married!

Mario: To what? A pizza? I don't think that's legal.

Peach: To me!

Mario: You're not a pizza. Why would I want to marry you? You're living in denial.

Peach: Well, I thought you might not want to marry me because I get kidnapped so much. So I took a few karate lessons, marched over to Bowser's Castle, beat him up, and kidnapped HIM.

Mario: O_O

Peach: So now you don't have to rescue me anymore!

Mario: So no more free pizza?

Peach: Of course not, silly. Now we get to spend more time together! Isn't that great?

Mario: WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO RUIN MY LIFE?!

Peach: I thought this would make you happy!

Mario: I must make this right. I have to rescue Bowser! If he doesn't kidnap you, I don't get my pizza!

Peach: You'll have to get through me first!

Mario: Peach, I've defeated Bowser countless times, defeated his kids, defeated him when he was planet-sized, I even defeated him in a bathtub. You don't want to mess with m-

Peach: Falcon PUNCH!

Peach sends Mario flying into the sunset.

One month later Mario regains consciousness. To his surprise he isn't in the Mushroom Kingdom anymore.

Mario: Luigi has often said I'm living in my own little world, but to my knowledge my little world has always had Toads and a princess and pizza in it. But this world has Koopas and Goombas and Wigglers! I think I finally went off the deep end.

Goomba: Mario! We need your help!

Mario: Uhm, don't I normally stomp on you? No offense.

Goomba: Whole lot taken. Anyway, Bowser got kidnapped! The entire Koopa Kingdom is in an uproar. Bowser is the baddest dude we know, so if he got kidnapped... why the whole world could be in danger, depending on how terrible the monstrosity that kidnapped him is!

Mario: I could update you on the situation but I think it's best to just let it go.

Goomba: Let it go? Let it go? How can I let it go?! Our king is gone! We're way too competent and organized without him. Why, if Bowser isn't king, we might actually not be a laughing stock anymore. And if we weren't a laughing stock Nintendo might have to stop making Mario games 'cause they'd be too difficult!

Mario: So you're saying without Bowser as king you're... stronger?

Goomba: That's right. Bowser is a total nincomkoop, no offense to him. Instead of just assembling all the troops and taking the Mushroom Kingdom head on by force, he spreads us out across various worlds, where we can easily be defeated by even a single person. He has no regard for our safety either. Just a few weeks ago we found out we were spending our vacation all across the universe! We thought that was great, but what do you know, along you come, stomping on us like there's no tomorrow. Only later did we find out Bowser had tricked us, stationing us across various galaxies in order to prevent you from rescuing Peach. Woulda been nice if he told us beforehand.

Mario: I actually thought I was on vacation too; I found myself on this spaceship with someone named Rosalina and thought she was the hostess. Only when I had 118 Stars did I realize I was supposed to be rescuing Peach. What a downer. But hey, it's a big weight off my shoulders to know you're happier without Bowser. Who needs someone who got kidnapped by a girl anyway?

Goomba: WHAT?! Bowser got kidnapped by a girl?!

Mario: Yup. Peach kidnapped him. Really sad. I tried to rescue him but I... uhm... punched myself in the stomach and knocked myself unconscious for a month. I'm just that strong.

Goomba: Bowser can't be kidnapped by Peach! Like I said, without Bowser Nintendo would stop making Mario games. We can't let that happen.

Mario: I hate to be the one sounding stupid, but what's a "Nintendo"? Is it a type of plant? Or perhaps a type of pizza? Maybe a pepperoni pizza?

Goomba: No time to explain. We need you to rescue Bowser for us! During the past month Peach has built a vast army of Toads and constructed an elaborate obstacle course in her new kingdom, the likes of which we've never seen before. Even Bowser's worlds pale in comparison.

Mario: Peach made a new kingdom? How did she afford that?

Goomba: Tax money. She no longer had to use it to get you pizzas.

Mario: I ate enough pizzas in one month to fund an entire kingdom?

Goomba: If it makes you feel any better, the kingdom is pretty small. And she didn't use any nails. It's right between the Mushroom Kingdom and the Koopa Kingdom, though. We can't rescue Bowser because every time we try to get through we get flattened by various buildings, since they aren't held together by nails. And those that dodge the poor construction get stomped on by Peach's Giga Toads. Those are some seriously big Toads. Must be on steroids.

Mario: Wow, you like to talk a lot, don't you? Here I am, saying one or two sentences whenever I talk, and you go and make whole paragraphs. Please understand you are boring me. I have not eaten for a whole month and when I am hungry I get quite grouchy.

Goomba: All right, how about this? You rescue Bowser and you can have unlimited pizza for the rest of your life. Sound good?

Mario did not wait for the Goomba to finish talking, even though he only used a few sentences. He has already started to run around in circles, dancing for joy. Then he realizes he hasn't eaten for a month, and faints. But his journey is long from over - provided he eats soon.