One day Mario was lounging around the house ramming a toy train up Luigi’s nose.

Luigi: Can we stop this soon?

Mario: Not unless you want me to show Daisy those pictures…

Luigi: I hate my life.

Parakarry: MAIL CALL!

Mario rams the toy train so far up Luigi’s nose that it can no longer be seen, and runs outside.

Luigi: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!

Mario: Where is it?

Parakarry: Mail call.

Parakarry drops a humongous package on Mario’s head.

Mario: WHOOOOO-HOO!

Parakarry: Sorry about that.

Mario: Who are you?

Parakarry: I’m Parakarry.

Mario: Oh… (pointing at the choking and spastic Luigi) And who’s that?

Parakarry: If you excuse me, I have other letters to deliver.

Mario: Tell Betty I said hi!

Parakarry: Will do.

Mario: What’s with this big boxy thingy?

Luigi: *gag*

Mario: Lucy, pull that puppy out of your nose.

Mario opens the box and two Toads spring out.

Toads: HELLO, MISTER MARIO!

Mario: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Toads: WE’VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT YOU!

Mario: Me who?

Toads: IT WOULD BE HONOR IF YOU WOULD BABYSIT OUR SON!

Mario: BABIES!

Toads: There’s just one-

Mario: (threateningly) BABIES!

Toads: Here he is, Mister Mario. His name is-

Mario: RUPERT!

Toads: Actually-

Mario: (threateningly) RUPERT!

The Toads hand over Rupert, a tiny little Toad baby.

Toads: We’ll be back to pick him up in a week. Here’s his bag of special needs!

The Mama Toad pulls an elephant-sized bag of stuff from her back pocket.

Mario: WOAH!

Toads: We’re off to Isle Delfino! See ya!

They run off.

Mario: Where am I? Who’s this baby?

Rupert: Wah-

Mario: RUPERT!

Luigi comes out, his nose deflated like a popped balloon.

Luigi: MARIO, YOU- Huh? A… ANOTHER ILLEGITIMATE CHILD! MARIO, I CAN’T HANDLE THESE THINGS!

Mario: HE’S RUPERT!

Luigi: IS HE YOURS?!

Mario: HE’S RUPERT!

Luigi: Are you babysitting?

Mario: Sure! I have plenty of experience! Like that time when we took those two babies through a bunch of life-threatening alien lands and nearly killed them!

Luigi: But-

Mario: Where am I?

Luigi storms off.

Mario: What a grump! Rupert, I’m putting you in a crib.

Mario walks inside.

Mario: (deafeningly loud) LUIGI, WHERE’S THE CRIB?!

Luigi storms back in.

Luigi: We don’t have a crib!

Mario: Oh. Well, Rupert, let’s just put some blankets in the oven. You won’t know the difference.

Luigi: But-

Mario: SHUT UP!

Mario looks around wildly.

Mario: BLANKIE!

Mario grabs a moth-eaten, flea-ridden, moldy blanket.

Mario: Heehee! I got it!

Mario stuffs Rupert in the oven with the blanket.

Luigi: I-

Mario: SHUT UP! What am I doing here? Oh yeah, baking a turkey!

Mario turns the oven on Supernova.

Mario: Extra-crispy!

Luigi: MARIO!

Mario: OH MY GOD, THE BABY!

Mario grabs the baby before the oven blows up, charring Luigi.

Luigi: *croak*

Mario: LUIGI, YOU MONSTER! GO OUTSIDE AND DO FIFTY PUSH-UPS WITH “BABY KILLER” SEWN INTO YOUR OVERALLS!

Luigi: BUT-

Mario: I HAVE THOSE PICTURES!

Luigi goes outside. Mario throws a knitting needle and string after him.

Rupert: WAAAAAAAH!

Mario: Now what was I doing? Oh yes! The baby. Rupert, what do you want to do?

Rupert: WAAAAAAH!

Mario notices a distinct smell, similar to that of a rotting body.

Mario: What in the world is that?!

Mario smells Rupert’s diaper.

Mario: WOAH! Rupert! What crawled inside you and died?!

Rupert: WAAAAAAH!

Mario: What did you do? What, did you poop yourself? HAHAHA! What a loser! What are you gonna do next, ask for mommy?

Rupert: (even louder) WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Mario: Hey stinky! Shut up!

Mario notices that Rupert’s diaper has become noticeably dirty.

Mario: Oh, maybe I should change your diaper.

Mario sets Rupert down on the stove top. He takes a diaper from the elephant-bag and takes Rupert’s diaper off.

Mario: Wait, what was I doing? And why am I holding a dirty diaper? Oh right, I was gonna wear it!

Mario, while putting the diaper on, notices his flaw.

Mario: OH YEAH! Rupert! Sorry, buddy!

Rupert has a look in his eye that is seemingly homicidal.

Mario: I’ll cuddle you, Rupert.

Mario picks Rupert up.

Mario: What was I doing? Oh, yeah, I was going to watch TV!

Mario tosses Rupert over his shoulder. He lands on Mario’s bed. Wearing the dirty diaper, he puts his feet up and stares at the blank TV screen for half an hour.

Mario: OH MY GOD, THE BABY!

Mario runs over to his bed to find it half-eaten. Rupert is lying on his back, comatose.

Mario: Oh, you must be hungry.

Luigi comes back in, badly beaten.

Luigi: I hate you.

Mario: I love you too, Lucy.

Mario takes Rupert to the fridge.

Mario: What’ve we got? Ooh, a turkey.

Luigi: That’s for Thanksgiving!

Mario: I give thanks for this turkey.

Mario shoves it in Rupert’s mouth. The baby rolls around on the ground.

Luigi: MARIO!

Mario: OH MY GOD, THE BABY!

Mario pulls the turkey out of the baby’s mouth and shoves it up Luigi’s nose.

Mario: STUPID LUIGI! GO SCREAM “I HURT BABIES” AROUND TOWN!

Luigi: I WILL NOT!

Mario: THE PICTURES!

Luigi: FINE!

Luigi storms out.

Angry Mob: Back for more?

Luigi: I HURT BABIES!

Angry Mob: GET HIM!

Back with Mario…

Mario: ARE YOU STUPID?! MAKE A MOVE!

Mario is sitting by a chessboard with Rupert, who is green.

Mario: I guess you’re still hungry. (deafeningly loud) LUIGI, WHAT DO BABIES EAT?!

Luigi (barely a whisper): Mushy, mashed up, disgusting- AAAAAAAH!

Mario: He must be having a pool party. Anyways, mushy, mashed up, disgusting… MASHED POTATOES!

Mario runs to the fridge, tears off the door, and grabs a bowl of month-old mashed potatoes.

Mario: THIS SHOULD DO THE TRICK!

Mario begins throwing globs of mashed potatoes at Rupert at a speed rivaled not even by the best pitcher.

Rupert: WAAAAAAAH!

Mario: That should do it.

Rupert is covered in mashed potatoes.

Mario: SNOW DEMON! OH MY GOD, YOU ATE THE BABY!

Mario runs toward Rupert with murder in his eyes, but trips and flies out the window. Luigi staggers back into the house, holding the door.

Luigi: CURSE YOU, BABY!

Suddenly a shadowy figure swoops down, grabs the baby, and jumps out the window.

Luigi: Uh oh.

In Peach’s castle…

Peach: I’m bored.

Mario crashes through the window.

Mario: WHO’S THIRSTY?!

Peach: You’re not the Kool-Aid Man, Mario.

Mario: I’m just as hunky. Anyways, I hear you’re bored.

Peach: Yeah, but it’s better than being- KIDNAPPED!

Mario: Why is that last word in caps?

A shadowy figure (different from the first) swoops down, grabs Peach, and jumps out the window.

Peach: MARIOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Mario: Hmmph! So Peachie found herself another weekend playmate! See if I ever pay her bail again!

Mario storms out of the castle and bangs into Luigi.

Mario: LUIGI!

Luigi: MARIO!

Mario: Who?

Luigi: THE BABY’S BEEN KIDNAPPED!

Mario: PEACH JUMPED OUT THE WINDOW WITH HER NEW WEEKEND PLAYMATE!

Luigi: She must’ve been kidnapped too… Mario, why don’t-

Mario (two wires in his brain connect): OH MY GOD, THE BABY!

Luigi: Why don’t you go after Peach?

Mario: NO WAY, LOSER! YOU GO SAVE THAT TRAMP! I’M GOING AFTER RUPERT!

Mario runs off.

Luigi: HE WENT THAT WAY... Oh, never mind.

Luigi looks around.

Luigi: Aha! There’s a trail of pink dresses! I’m going after her!

Luigi runs off.

With Mario…

Mario: RUPERT! WHERE ARE YOU?!

Mario smacks into Flavio.

Mario: GET OUT OF MY WAY, YOU ANCIENT, DISGUSTING, PRUNE-LOVING FREAK!

Flavio: …

Mario: You won’t like me when I’m angry. Anyways, join my party!

Flavio: Is there cake?

Mario: Not that kind of party!

Flavio: Aww… Well, Flavio doesn’t want to-

Mario: YOU WILL DIE-

Flavio: SURE!

Flavio has joined your party! When in troublesome situations, Flavio can scream loudly and run!

Mario: Well, that stinks.

Flavio: Well, Red ‘Stache, where shall we go?

Mario: SOMEONE STOLE MY BABY!

Flavio: What-

Mario: OH MY GOD, THE BABY!

Flavio: We will go to my ship!

Mario and Flavio are approached by Professor E. Gadd.

E. Gadd: If you want to find the one who stole your baby, you must find the seven sapphire screwdrivers!

Mario: WHY?!

E. Gadd: Oh, because I want those screwdrivers. I know who took the baby.

Mario: And isn’t this, like, Frankly of Merlon’s role?

E. Gadd: I chained and locked them- I mean, they had prior engagements.

Flavio: Where is this sapphire screwdriver?

E. Gadd: The first sapphire screwdriver can be found in War Land.

Mario: You know, you can’t just add ‘Land’ to something and expect it to be-

E. Gadd: GO!

Flavio: We shall take my ship!

Flavio’s ship falls from the sky. They jump in and sail to War Land.

Mario: RUPERT?! YOU HERE?!

They are looking at a giant battlefield, strewn with skeletons. In front of their ship is a shadowy, cloaked figure holding Rupert.

Mario: RUPERT!

Rupert: GRAAR!

Figure: I thought you would follow me… But no matter! You will never get the screwdriver!

Flavio: Why do you care about the screwdriver? That was just E. Gadd’s excuse for-

Figure: Wahahahaha!

The figure runs off.

Rupert: WAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Mario: *heartbreak* OH MY GOD, THE BABY!

Flavio: Don’t worry! Flavio will save the day!

Within seconds, Flavio is tied, bound, and hung over the sharks.

Mario: MARIO WILL SAVE THE DAY… GOT IT?!

Flavio: Yes, sir.

Mario: AND RUPERT!

Mario drops him into the lake.

Flavio: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

So Mario and Flavio step onto the shores of War Land. Immediately a mine blows up on Flavio.

Mario: HEY, STINKY!

Flavio: Flavio hates his life.

Meanwhile with Luigi…

Luigi: This trail of dresses leads right into…

Random Guy: Welcome to Lavalava Active Volcano!

Luigi: Oh my god.

Random Guy: Have fun!

Luigi is shoved inside.

Luigi looks around at his surroundings. This is exactly what he expected the underworld to look like. The skeletons of fallen warriors are scattered throughout the rocky surfaces while bats fly overhead. He quivers in fear.

Luigi: Why am I even doing this?

Luigi begins hopping across the rock platforms. At one point, the edge of the platform crumbles and Luigi’s foot falls into the lava.

Luigi: DEAR LORD!

Luigi quickly jerks his foot from the fierce liquid. Upon observance, his shoe is gone and his foot is partially corroded.

Luigi: Oh well, I’m sure Mario’s having a hard time too.

Meanwhile with Mario…

Mario: GO FASTER YOU IDIOT!

Flavio struggles to carry Mario on his back.

Flavio: Flavio is here as a volunteer! I shouldn’t be carrying you!

Mario slaps the back of Flavio’s head.

Mario: INSOLENT FOOL!

Soon the two are confronted by a herd of armor-clad knights carrying six-foot-long spears.

Knights: WHO GOES THERE?!

Mario: WE GOES THERE!

Knights: Oh.

Mario: FLAVIO! WE FIGHT!

Mario jumps off Flavio’s head and, one by one, bonks the heads of the knights until they fall.

Mario (while stomping): STOMP THOSE GOOMBAS! STOMP THE GOOMBAS! STOMP THOSE GOOMBAS! STOMP THE GOOMBAS!

The knights are pounded into the ground.

Flavio: Wow, ‘War Land’ is really one-dimensional.

Mario: Hey, pizzanos! It’s the Super Mario Brothers Super Show!

Mario whips Flavio with a spear, and he is carried off.

With Luigi…

Luigi: WHAT THE?!

At the end of the stone platforms, there is a boat in the lava.

Luigi: I have to go in this boat and paddle my way to the other end?! THIS MAKES SENSE?!

Luigi gets in the boat. It immediately begins sinking.

Luigi: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!

Back with Mario…

Mario: It’s been so long since I heard Rupert’s sweet voice, crying for my immolation.

Flavio: Where do you expect to go? Flavio doesn’t think you can just wander around and expect to find the sapphire screwdriver.

Mario and Flavio are suddenly surrounded by armored knights.

Knight: WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THE SAPPHIRE SCREWDRIVER?!

Mario: How you? Me Chief Wiggywammy, of Rupert tribe.

Mario and Flavio are knocked out. When they wake, they are chained to a rock.

Mysterious voice: Hello, Mario.

Flavio: AND FLAVIO!

Mysterious voice: And Flavio. I’d like to play a game.

Mario: I’m pretty good with ‘BLOCKS OF FURY’.

Flavio: Huh?

Mario: You know, that super-tough game where you have to fit the blocks into holes. CURSE YOU, TRIANGLE BLOCK! WHY WON’T YOU GO IN THE SQUARE HOLE?!

Voice: Not that! This is a game… of life… and death…

Mario: Wrong series. That’s Sims. Stinky.

Voice: NO, NO, NO! I mean, you must get yourself free… or DIE.

Mario: That sounds like fun. You game, Flavio?

Flavio: I game.

Voice: YOU HAVE NO CHOICE!

Mario: DEMOCRACY!

Voice: ARRRRRRRGH!... Um, you must find the key to your chains before you are crushed by the giant rock above you!

Mario: What giant rock?

Voice: Look up.

Mario: Too hard.

Voice: … Baby?

Mario (twisting head so fast he cricks his neck): OH MY GOD, THE BABY!

He sees a giant rock.

Mario: Wow, he’s fat.

Flavio: Where are the keys, you fool?

Voice: INSIDE YOU! MWAHAHAHAHA!

Mario takes off his hat to find a key.

Mario: Hey, looky!

Voice: … Cheap surgeons.

Mario: Now how do I fit this in the lock?

Two minutes later…

Mario: Man, not this way, not this way…

Flavio: IT’S SIDEWAYS!

Mario: Shut up, I know what I’m doing.

Twenty minutes later…

Mario: I give up.

Voice: That was anticlimactic.

The rock falls and bounces off Mario’s head.

Mario: I AM THE SMARTEST MAN IN THE WORLD!

Flavio: Right. Well-

Mario: GO, CHAINS! EXTRA BRAINPOWER!

Mario fries the chains with eye beams.

Flavio: Wow.

Voice: All right, time to deal with you personally! COME, MINIONS!

Flavio: This is personal?

They are again surrounded by knights.

Mario: IDIOTS.

The knights melt.

Voice: Darn it!

The shadowy figure, with Rupert, materializes in front of them.

Figure: You will never get the screwdriver that I happen to have in my hand!

Mario: COME, SCREWDRIVER.

It flies out of the figure’s hand and bonks Mario in the head.

Mario: What? HEY! HEY, STINKY! RUPERT!

Figure: YOU ONLY HAVE ONE! YOU WILL NEVER GET THE OTHERS! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

The figure dematerializes with Rupert.

Mario: OH MY GOD, THE BABY!

Flavio: We have the sapphire screwdriver, Red ‘Stache! We can return to the Mushroom Kingdom.

Mario: Wait. First, we have to get a new partner.

Flavio: What for?

Mario: I like souvenirs.

Mario runs off and comes back dragging an old man.

Old Man: THE INDIANS! THE INDIANS!

Flavio: We’re not Indians, old man.

Mario: How you? Me Chief Wiggywammy, of Rupert tribe. This loyal companion Flavi-loser.

Old Man: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Flavio: Your name, fool?

Old Man: Red.

Mario: Ok… Now, join our party!

Red: Is there cake-

Mario: SHUT UP AND JOIN!

Red has joined your party! When in dangerous situations, Red can reminisce about his embarrassing past!

Mario: I hate this.

Flavio: Come, Red ‘Stache and Red! To the ship!

Once again with Luigi…

Luigi is, in fact, swimming through the lava.

Luigi: Stupid boat.

When he’s finally able to clutch a surface, he breathes a sigh of relief.

Luigi: I’m gonna need a long nap after this one… And some plastic surgery.

Luigi is confronted by the mysterious figure.

Figure: I’m surprised, Luigi, I heard you were a wimp.

Luigi groans.

Figure: Anyhow, did you think I’d let you get the princess so easily?

Princess Peach is tied up nearby.

Peach: LUIGI! HELP ME! Wait, Luigi? Where’s Mario?

Luigi: He’s off on his own journey. I’m the hero of this story!

Peach then begins to laugh hysterically.

Luigi: Shut up.

Figure: Anyhow, we must bid you adieu, Luigi. It’s time for Satantail’s feeding.

The figure takes Peach and floats away… Yes, floats. Anyhow, Luigi looks around as the ground starts to quake. From a cavern emerges a large dragon. It is hot pink.

Luigi: What the-

Satantail: I AM SATANTAIL! I WILL BE YOUR GRIM REAPER!

Luigi: But… you’re pink.

Satantail: YOU DARE MOCK SATANTAIL?!

Luigi: Well-

Satantail: DIE!

Satantail stomps on Luigi.

Luigi: OOF!

With herculian strength, Luigi lifts the foot off from him and jumps out from under it.

Luigi: WHAT NOW, SUCKER?!

Satantail breathes a stream of fire at the already burnt, crispy Luigi.

Luigi: Why me?

From one of the skeletons found throughout the cavern, a spirit rises from.

Spirit: Strong warrior, take the sword from my skeleton.

Luigi tries to pull the sword from the skeleton’s grip, but to no avail.

Spirit: Oh, sorry, that’s for the warrior of destiny. Come back with Mario.

Luigi: AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

Luigi rips the sword from the ground and cuts the spirit in half.

Spirit: Impressive, too bad it didn’t hurt. Now go, fight the dragon!

Luigi turns around, and sees the dragon staring at him.

Luigi: Mommy.

He is once again met with the horrible blaze of heat from Satantail.

Luigi: Why am I still alive, anyway?

Luigi sighs and prepares to fight.

Satantail: DO YOUR WORST!

Luigi plunges the sword right into Satantail’s nose.

Satantail: OOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW!!!

The dragon tries to shake it loose, maniacally running through the cavern. Without any control of his motions, he runs straight into the lava.

Satantail: I CURSE YOUR NAME, MARIO!

Luigi: IT’S LUIGI!

Satantail: Luigi? Wow, I’m pretty disappointed in myself… CURSE YOU, LUIGIIIIIIII!!!

From the lava, aloe vera appears and falls into Luigi’s hands.

Luigi: Praise God.

Luigi applies the aloe to his burns and breathes a contented sigh.

Luigi: Now what am I doing here, again? Oh yes… that darn princess.

Luigi reluctantly follows the path of the figure and Peach.

Back with Mario…

Flavio: A MILLION BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL, A MILLION BOTTLES OF BEER… YOU TAKE ONE DOWN, PASS IT AROUND…

Mario: The next part had better come soon…