In the not too distant future,
Next Sunday A.D,
There lived a guy named Vapor,
A lot less lucky than you or me,
He accidentally blew up Lemmy's Interviews many times,
So Lemmy punished him for his crimes,
One too many times he blew up the place,
So Lemmy got mad and shot him into spaaa-ace!
Lemmy: I'll send him cheesy stories,
The worst, on Lemmy's Land (lalala)
Up there he'll be out of my hair,
And'll soon be at my command! (lalala)
Now keep in mind Vapor can't control
When the stories begin or end (lalala)
He'll keep his limited sanity
With the help of his equally crazy friends!
Current Writer Roll Call!
Lord Seth!
(Word!)
Vapor
(Yeah!!)
If you're wondering how they eat and breathe, and other science facts,
Please repeat to yourself, "Facts are for geeks,
I should really just relax!”
It's Mystery Science Theater, 4000!
We go through the same door intro, as usual.
Lord Seth: Well, I'm sure that Lemmy must eventually run out of bad stories, and then he'll let us go because there's no reason to keep us up here.
Vapor: Well, we do need to hope.
Lemmy appears on the viewscreen.
Lemmy: Greetings, soon-to-be-slaves! I've been looking through the site, and I've noticed that since I started making it harder for bad submissions to get through, it's been harder and harder to find stuff to send at you that someone else hasn't already suffered through.
Lord Seth: Why not just send us that stuff?
Vapor: Don't give him ideas.
Lemmy: Continuing as if you hadn't interrupted, it's been harder and harder to find them. I was just about to let you go… But then I found some more anyway!
Lord Seth: Drat!
Lemmy: That's enough. Okay, now get in there and watch it!
Lord Seth: What if we don't WANT to?
Lemmy: Then I'll drain the air out!
Lord Seth: Ha! We'll just hold our breath!
Lemmy: Curses! Foiled again! But I have a better plan!
Lord Seth: What?
Lemmy: I'll read the Eye of Argon if you don't go in!
Lord Seth: Well, I'm sure it can't be that bad.
Lemmy: (reading) The weather beaten trail wound ahead into the dust racked climes of the baren [sic] land which dominates large portions of the Norgolian empire. Age worn hoof prints smothered by the sifting [sic] sands of time shone dully against the dust splattered crust of earth. The tireless sun cast its parching rays of incandescense [sic] from overhead, half way through its daily revolution. Small rodents scampered about, occupying themselves in the daily accomplishments of their dismal lives. Dust sprayed over three heaving mounts in blinding clouds, while they bore the burdonsome [sic] cargoes of-
Lord Seth: Make it stop! Make it stop! We'll go in!
Lemmy: Excellent.
We'd mention the whole "reverse door opening" thing, but we have too many times anyway, whoever "we" are.
In the Night
Vapor: The Trogdor comes in the night.
Lord Seth: Ah, yes, a vampire's favorite time of day. I bet this story involves vampires. Yep. I like vampires, except when they're ineptly used. You know, like in every fan fiction ever written.
Vapor: Wait, what about that one story that had the vampire and then the vampire did stuff and more stuff happened and then it turned out it wasn't actually a bad story? And then it was all a dream.
Lord Seth: Um, isn't that also every fan fiction ever written?
Vapor: No.
Lord Seth: Hrm. It seems odd to trail it off like that, but I can't think of a way to end this section on a funny note...
There is a substantial pause.
Vapor: You know what, a good writer must know when to leave a joke alone.
Lord Seth: Good thing neither of us are good writers! Except for me, of course.
By Mary Beyer
Lord Seth: It's hard to make any kind of joke from the author line. Any ideas, Vapor?
Vapor: I've got nothing.
Kootie Pie was watching a new show called Sailor Moon.
Vapor: Great, this story starts out with a shameless advertisement.
Lord Seth: Exactly what is the purpose of using the TV show names for the Koopalings? It just seems pretty silly to me.
She gazed at it with a sideways look.
Lord Seth: Yes, because that's how someone always watches television: sideways. They never actually look straight at the television.
Vapor: Iggy did. That's why he wears glasses now.
It was okay, it would be even better if she fought for chaos.
Lord Seth: Doesn't matter. Even if the entire cast of the show turned evil there would still be some kind of cheesy plot twist that saved everyone.
Vapor: Assuming entropy to be a factual occurrence, is it really even necessary to fight FOR chaos? Wouldn't one simply do nothing and allow it to happen naturally?
But, ah, what are ya gonna do?
Lord Seth: Write angry letters to the network, possibly.
Vapor: Shouldn't Kootie Pie be the one saying that? I mean, why use the colloquial "ya" and "gonna" when no one is actually talking?
As the credits rolled she switched off the TV. She walked to the brand-new Gateway 2000 computer with 12 GB.
Lord Seth: 11 gigabytes of which was absolute filler.
Vapor: The last gig was more shameless advertising, apparently.
The Koopalings had convinced Bowser and pitched into buy a computer.
Vapor: In to. Into makes no sense in this context.
Lord Seth: Gee, Bowser is the ruler of the Koopa empire, and is one of the most powerful and feared guys on the planet, and he has to BUY a computer?
Together they had 100,000. There was 1,000 coins left over so they got a phone line too.
Lord Seth: What, they didn't have a phone line already?
Vapor: Maybe that means Internet access via the phone line.
Lord Seth: Ah. Well, Kootie Pie, who is actually Wendy but I'm humoring the story, discovered that she couldn't make any calls while on the Internet, and then went insane. Then they got DSL and/or Cable and she became sane again.
She typed in "MarioStinks", which was their password for Enteract.
Lord Seth: Uh, you know, maybe picking blatantly obvious passwords ISN'T such a good idea?
Vapor: How does the author know their password? Did she send them a keylogger link?
Lord Seth: I think it's third person omniscient.
Their screen name had been a unanimous vote.
Lord Seth: Ah, Kootie Pie, Kootie Pie, Kootie Pie. One day you will learn there is no such thing as a truly unanimous vote.
Vapor: That makes no sense.
Lord Seth: Exactly!
It was "KoopasRule"! She popped open mail.
Lord Seth: It was then that she discovered the horrible thing about the Internet... junk mail!
Vapor: I still never got that million dollar transfer from that guy in Nigeria…
There were twenty messages from Enteract telling them to pay their bills or they would shut them down.
Lord Seth: Yes, that's right. BOWSER has to pay for Internet access. It seems to me that he could just go to the company and threaten to destroy them if they didn't give him the access.
Vapor: Even Bowser fears the bureaucrats.
Kootie Pie dumped them.
Lord Seth: Okay, let's assume that Bowser, despite his great influence and all, somehow had to pay for Internet access. Isn't it just a LITTLE stupid to do that?
Vapor: Nah, they'll just get that DSL or Cable sooner or later.
She clicked "Search" and typed in "Sailor Moon".
Lord Seth: Okay, okay, we get it already! Kootie Pie likes that show! No need to repeat it!
Vapor: Blah blah blah, joke about shameless advertising, blah, etc.
A list of sites came up. There were fifty; she clicked on one that said "Order Sailor Moon Stuff!"
Lord Seth: Riiiight. Only go to the site that's trying to get you to pay money.
Vapor: Only fifty? Huh, using my laptop I just happen to have, searching for Sailor Moon on Google gave me 14,800,000 hits.
Lord Seth: Really? I got 30,000,000 on Yahoo.
Vapor: She must've been using a REALLY lousy search engine.
"Nothin' here," Kootie Pie said.
Lord Seth: Ah, yes. The "street tough" accent that was not in the games, the books, or the cartoon and seems completely out of character for "Kootie Pie" in all of those and in Lemmy's Land. Ah well, I guess since it's "Kootie Pie" and not Wendy, they can get away with it.
Vapor: And the narrator got away with it earlier, let's not forget.
Then she went back to the front room. She turnedthe TV back on.
Lord Seth: Yes, go on the Internet and do a search for something, go to one site that's trying to sell you something, and then decide it's all pointless and go back to watching television!
Vapor: It was filler, what do you expect?
Then Cheatsy came up and turned on the Simpsons.
Lord Seth: If this is all on another planet or something like that, why are they getting shows that they show on Earth?
Vapor: They get their transmissions through a plot hole.
It was the episode where Homer and the family went to Storybook Town.
Lord Seth: Indeed, the identity of the episode was so amazingly important to the plot that an extra sentence had to be inserted in order to tell us.
Vapor: Was there even an episode where they went to Storybook Town?
Lord Seth: Only one way to find out! Okay, using the laptop again... head to Google... search for "Storybook Town" and "Simpsons"... Hrm, can't find anything. Okay, Wikipedia... Nope, nothing. TV.com's episode guide... Nope, nothing. Maybe they were thinking of something else. Oh well!
As Cheatsy laughed Kootie Pie decided she was gonna go try to take it out on Mario.
Lord Seth: Yes, rather than watch an enjoyable show, go and fight Mario and lose.
Vapor: The narrator is using "gonna" again...
Lord Seth: Break time!
We see the door sequence in reverse order.
Vapor: You know, I had a thought.
Lord Seth: Uh oh.
Vapor: Maybe we should give some writing advice. Be a bit constructive as opposed to destructive.
Lord Seth: Wow, that's actually a good idea! And I know exactly the way to tell them! In song!
Vapor: Oh for the love of...
Lord Seth: Okay Vapor, you're chorus. This is to the tune of "Of a Modern Major General". And awaaaaay we go!
Vapor: But-
Lord Seth:
I am the very model of a modern major Gary Stu.
No matter what the situation is I know just what to do.
I have a lot of powers that I can pull straight out of a hat.
They do not even have to make sense at all, I can tell you that.
I'm very good at being right, I'm probably part elvish too,
But even as a human I am simply far too great for you.
I share the same name as the author in a blatant self-insert.
No matter what damage I take I always end up quite unhurt.
Vapor: I'm not doing it.
Lord Seth: Yes you are! Hurry up! You're throwing off the rhythm!
Vapor: Fine!
Lord Seth: Good! Do it!
Vapor:
No matter what damage he takes he always ends up quite unhurt!
No matter what damage he takes he always ends up quite unhurt!
No matter what damage he takes he always ends up quite un quite unhurt!
Lord Seth:
I'm stronger than the rest of them, the other characters are wimps.
It's like I'm Superman and they all must walk with some quite bad limps.
In other words, please don't use me, I urge you to be wary too.
I am the very model of a modern major Gary Stu.
Vapor:
In other words, please don't use him, he urged you to be wary too. He is the very model of a modern major Gary Stu.
Lord Seth:
The author wishes he was me and ignores my flaws completely.
I'll kill in cold blood but he says it was done heroically.
In fan fiction I'm quite a plague but I can be in other works.
The other heroes love us but we Gary Stus are often jerks.
If someone likes me they are good if someone hates me they are bad.
The writer is incompetent but somehow thinks that they're quite rad.
I'm better at what I do than others who have trained their whole lives.
Quite able to fend off strong enemies with a few kitchen knives.
Vapor: Who uses the word rad anymore?
Lord Seth: It rhymed! NOW GET BACK TO SINGING!
Vapor:
Quite able to fend off strong enemies with a few kitchen knives!
Quite able to fend off strong enemies with a few kitchen knives!
Quite able to fend off strong enemies with a few kitchen kitchen knives!
Lord Seth:
My actions are exactly what the author has wanted to do.
Expect a lot of wish fulfillment just for them but not for you.
In other words, please don't use me, I urge you to be wary too.
I am the very model of a modern major Gary Stu.
Vapor:
In other words, please don't use him, he urged you to be wary too.
He is the very model of a modern major Gary Stu.
Lord Seth:
I learn skills in mere minutes that others have taken years to know.
The second that I pick one up I know how to fire a bow.
In fan fiction expect me to be some kind of long-lost brother.
Many of us are like that but someone always adds another.
My morals contradict, it's true, I'm vegan but I kill people.
I can't think of a rhyme here so I will just say the word steeple.
While characters with opposing views have nothing but bad passion,
Expect me to preach the author's views in an obvious fashion.
Vapor:
Expect him to preach the author's views in an obvious fashion!
Expect him to preach the author's views in an obvious fashion!
Expect him to preach the author's views in an obvious 'vious fashion!
Lord Seth:
I'm always some kind of chosen one and no one else ever is,
I tend to score a lot of points on a Mary Sue litmus quiz.
I think my point has been made well, remember to be wary too.
I am the very model of a modern major Gary Stu.
Vapor:
He thinks his point has been made well, remember to be wary too.
He is the very model of a modern major Gary Stu.
Lord Seth: We had some interruptions there, plus I forgot to do that gag where between some lines I can't think of the next one. I think the meter may have been off in a few of those lines so I'll want to rewrite them a bit this time. Once again, from the top!
Vapor: No!
Lord Seth: Fine...
Vapor: So what are we supposed to get from that?
Lord Seth: Well, I used Gary Stu, but the original term was Mary Sue; Gary Stu or Marty Stu are just names for the male version of a Mary Sue. A Mary Sue comes in all kinds of flavors, but what almost all have in common is that they're someone the author wants to be or sees himself or herself as. So they frequently will somehow be the best at some skill at an early age, better than or at least comparatively equal to people who have spent their whole lives on said skill. They'll also be treated as perfect and heroic, probably ignoring every single flaw that the character has. They kill enemies in cold blood? It'll be treated as heroic and they won't have any moral quandaries about it! This creates a bit of hypocrisy if they're morally against killing animals. You'll notice I cited these and other things as common symptoms of a Gary Stu/Marty Stu/Mary Sue. Gary Stus are bad, which is why I, speaking as a hypothetical Gary Stu, gave that whole "please don't use me" part. Actually, I originally had quite a few Gary Stu-ish traits, but dropped some of them. I also should-
Vapor: You're getting one massive wall of text there.
Lord Seth: Good point. Just look it up on Wikipedia or something.
Vapor: So did this relate at all to "In The Night"?
Lord Seth: Nope! Not at all!
Vapor: Sigh.
Lord Seth: Who actually says “sigh” out loud?
Vapor: Me!
Lord Seth: Okay, glad we got that covered.
The Satellite starts rocking as per usual, and we see the same ol' sequence of doors opening. The shadows of Lord Seth and Vapor, as always, enter the theater.
She stormed outside. A song from Sailor Moon stuck in her head. She walked towards Mario's Pad.
Lord Seth: If a song's stuck in her head, she should do what I always do!
Vapor: What?
Lord Seth: Think of another song and get THAT one stuck in my head!
Vapor: I am the very model of a modern major Gary... I hate you so much right now.
The lights start flashing and the sequence of doors open again. Lord Seth and Vapor's shadows enter the theater.
Vapor: Wait. Weren't we already in the theater?
Lord Seth: Huh.
There is a pause.
Vapor: Are you going to bother explaining it?
Lord Seth: Nope!
Mushroom Kingdom…
Mario was buying a Pick Me Up in the shop.
Lord Seth: Pick Me Ups sure are useful for overcoming plot holes. Like how, say, Mario could die, and then be back in the next story!
Vapor: I think the actual explanation is that said stories where Mario died never happened, hence the usage of the terms "fan" and "fiction" in "fan fiction".
Lord Seth: Don't ruin my jokes.
The shopkeeper was unpacking some new stuff as he was leaving.
Lord Seth: The shopkeeper was leaving while unpacking? Man, he really can multitask!
Vapor: I think it meant that the shopkeeper was unpacking some new stuff as Mario was leaving.
Lord Seth: I SAID, don't ruin my jokes!
"Hey, Mario!" the shopkeeper said. Mario turned around.
Lord Seth:
Shopkeeper: It's a special portal! It'll let you exit any cheesy or somewhat cheesy story you're in! Test it out right now!
Vapor: I wish I could buy that portal…
"Hmm?" Mario asked.
Lord Seth:
Mario: I like to hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Vapor: He ASKED "Hmm?" What kind of answer was he hoping to get?
"There's this thing I got that says "Triumph Potion". Want it?" he asked. Mario nodded. "Okay, that'll be 38 coins."
Lord Seth: What, not even asking what in the world a Triumph Potion does?
Vapor: Oh, once it's in your inventory, it'll automatically tell you what it does.
As Mario walked home, he got the eerie feeling a Koopa was nearby. He stopped at his front door and looked around.
Vapor:
Mario: Koopa… sense… tingling!
Lord Seth: Just then, Yoshi fell out of the sky in an exceedingly random plot twist!
Then a rustle came from the bushes.
Lord Seth: Gee, hiding in the bushes. How original.
Vapor: Well, as they say, there is nothing new under the sun. Everything in a story has in fact already been done. You cannot-
Lord Seth: Where are you going with this? What's the punch line?
Vapor: I have no idea.
"HYAH!" Kootie Pie screeched, jumping out of the bushes. Mario jumped out of her path and she smacked into the wall.
Lord Seth: I'd make an "oldest trick in the book" joke, but those have been done nearly to death.
Vapor: Only nearly?
Lord Seth: Well, referencing the "oldest trick in the book" as a joke is honestly the oldest joke in the book.
Vapor: My forehead is currently meeting my palm.
She stirred and got up. Mario decided to try the Triumph Potion. As he drank it, his entire world went wild. Then it went black.
Lord Seth: Sounds an awful lot like drinking too much at a party. Remember,kids, don't drink and drive!
Vapor: He awoke in a back alley, cold and alone with no memories of what had occurred last night, with his clothes painted purple and a new tattoo.
"Ohh…" Kootie Pie moaned. She looked around. Then the sound of a door slamming came to her ear. It was Mario. He walked closer.
Lord Seth: Never run when you can walk.
Vapor: Evil doesn't run. It walks. It looks more sinister when it does.
"So," he said, his voice strange and full of evil, evil that went beyond any Koopa's comprehension.
Lord Seth: But to keep good and evil balanced in the universe, Kootie Pie just then became the nicest person possible.
Vapor: That must have been a very evil "So." Especially if it went beyond any Koopa's comprehension...
"Huh huh?" she asked for no reason.
Lord Seth: No reason? The guy you were trying to kill is suddenly talking in a really evil voice. I'd say that's a good enough reason for at least a "Huh?"
Vapor: If not a "Huh huh?"
"Say 'Nighty-nighty' brat!" Mario said. He drew his fist back and launched.
Lord Seth: His fist launched into space. After an adventure with a computer named CAL, it entered some kind of weird gateway in a movie ending that made no sense.
Vapor: I'm not sure if this story will have much of a better ending.
Kootie Pie's mind was shutting down.
Vapor: So is mine, but only because I have to sit through this.
Lord Seth:
Kootie Pie: Oh, if only I had watched quality television like The Simpsons! Then I wouldn't be out here and wouldn't be in this mess!
She could faintly hear, 'I WILL RULE THE WORLD!'
Lord Seth: And he then destroyed the universe.
Vapor: The End.
Bowser's Keep…
"WHERE IS KOOTIE PIE?" Bowser roared. "CHEATSY?"
Lord Seth:
Cheatsy: She's in a sorta cheesy story. I told her not to enter, but she just HAD to get screen time...
Vapor: Bowser didn't even offer a reason for bothering to wonder where she was. I mean, other than to advance the story.
"Um, I saw her as I was… innocently watching the Simpsons," Cheatsy said.
Lord Seth: Was there any need for that "innocently" word?
Vapor: He could have been doing it while summoning demons from the Other Plane. OOOoooOOOooo…
Lord Seth: What other plane?
Vapor: Huh?
Lord Seth: There are lots of other planes, according to speculative physics. I think. Which one of these other planes is it?
Vapor: You're overanalyzing a joke!
Lord Seth: Ha! That's a taste of your own medicine!
"Uh uh!" Big Mouth said. "You turned the station in front of her and watched the Simpsons. Then you laughed at her as she stormed out.
Lord Seth: Actually, he was laughing at The Simpsons.
Vapor: Psh. She was only watching the TV sideways, anyway.
Lord Seth: Wait, how does Big Mouth even know this? I don't think he was in the room at the time.
Vapor: Maybe there was some kind of spatial distortion...
Lord Seth: Well we just got... ret con'd!
I know that was going to blow it off on Mario cuz where else could she go?"
Lord Seth: Into a better story.
Vapor: One that doesn't use "cuz".
They were all in the computer room. Bowser was so angry he ripped the computer and phone line out of the wall and threw them out the window.
Lord Seth:
Bowser: I can't stand these download times and this obsolete computer! We're getting a new one and DSL! Or Cable!
Vapor:
Bowser: I know that it wasn't the computer's fault that Kootie Pie isn't here, but I'm still going to waste my money by destroying it!
The Koopalings didn't even wait for him to tell them what to do. They all ran their separate ways to Mario's Pad. Ludwig got there first.
Lord Seth: Wait, LUDWIG? Not Kooky? Is a little consistency in the naming too much to ask?
Vapor: Why did they run their separate ways? Shouldn't there really only be one way to get there? Also, wouldn't it be smarter to all show up at the same time?
"Hellooooooooo? Mario?" he yelled.
Vapor: Ew, Luigi's Mansion flashbacks.
"KOOPAS RULE THE UNIVERSE!" 'Haha. That will make him come running!' Ludwig thought.
Lord Seth: For them to rule the universe, they'd have to rule this whole planet, which they don't.
"Oh, really?" a voice mocked from the shadows. Then Mario stepped out. Ludwig almost was scared.
Lord Seth: Meanwhile, back at the shop, the shopkeeper realized he accidentally gave Mario the Turn-Absolutely-Evil-For-No-Reason-Other-Than-To-Make-This-Plot-Work Potion instead of the Triumph Potion.
Vapor: How exactly has beating up the Koopalings been evil? Isn't that exactly what he always does?
Mario's voice was full of hatred and evil. Then he waved a wand. Ludwig recognized it. It was Kootie Pie's!
Lord Seth: Then random acts of magic occurred.
Vapor: I'm still trying to figure out how he recognized the wand.
"Now say 'Mario is the master of the universe'," Mario said. He waved the wand and shot something. All Ludwig could remember was evil laughter.
Lord Seth: Yes, I'm sure all you'd remember from that experience is evil laughter. Not the fact that Mario was attacking you, just the evil laughter.
Vapor: Man, Mario didn't even wait for him to say it. That's just unsporting.
And on it went. A Koopaling would come, Mario would take them by surprise, and knock them out.
Lord Seth: If Mario is supposedly so evil, why wouldn't he just kill them? I mean, that would make sure they couldn't stop him at all.
Vapor: Because he's afraid of their ghosts.
Lord Seth: Really?
Vapor: No, but it's the best explanation I can think of.
Lord Seth: How about "a wizard did it"?
Vapor: That's a bit overused. How about "a sorcerer did it"?
Lord Seth: Brilliant!
After a while, Bowser came. The battle went like this:
Lord Seth:
Bowser: What are you doing?!
Mario: Being a plot device!
Bowser: Oh, no problem then. I've had to do that before.
Vapor: Bowser sure took a long time to get there despite having a FLYING CLOWN MACHINE… thingy.
"You plumber! WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY KIDS?" he roared.
Vapor:
Mario: Beat them up, just like I always do. Only this time I did it with magic.
Lord Seth: Yes, Bowser's mad at him, but instead of yelling out an insult after the word "you", he says "plumber".
"You'll see…" Mario said silkily. He waved the wand and blasted King Bowser.
Lord Seth: Doesn't a battle require both sides to do something?
"Uhh..." Kootie Pie moaned. She stirred and woke up. She looked around and saw all her siblings and even her father chained up.
Lord Seth: Mario must have become evil and stupid. If he was just plain evil, he would've finished them off.
Vapor: Again, he's afraid of their ghosts.
Lord Seth: Mario's taken on ghosts plenty of times before. They're not so tough. All you have to do is make sure you always face them.
She had a simple ball and chain. Then, Hip stirred.
Lord Seth:
Hip: I haven't been passed in number of Koopaling votes yet, have I?
Vapor: "Then?" After what? After Kootie Pie having a simple ball and chain?
"Hip!" she called softly.
Lord Seth: Hip-a-dee-do-da! Hip-a-dee-ay! My oh my it's an extremely painful day! Reading this story... Enh, I got bored of this joke.
Vapor: I hip, I hop, I hip it to the limit, and I hip hip hop and I don't stop.
"Unn..." Hip moaned. "Kuh-kuh-koo-Kootie P- Kootie Pie? I… uh… OHH! I'm so hungry. Do you have any food?
Lord Seth:
Kootie Pie: Get your own food! The last fry is MINE!
Vapor:
Hip: I've… been here for almost… twenty minutes…
I'm so weak. I was the last… uh… Koopaling to come.
Lord Seth: Wait, he was the LAST to come? That means he was the last to get zapped. And HE'S the one that wakes up the quickest?
Vapor: Maybe he's… nah, I got nothing. I have no clue how to explain that plot hole away.
I suspect the others were zapped and ripped from their energy. Here." He seemed to be chanting softly. "With my last ounce of Ice Power…"
Lord Seth: DISCLAIMER: Ice Power does not actually exist. It was inserted for the sole purpose of being a deus ex machina.
Vapor: Deus ex machina?
Lord Seth: It's a cool phrase! It's Latin for "god from the machinery". Going by the dictionary's definition, it's "an unexpected power or event saving a seemingly hopeless situation, especially as a contrived plot device in a play or novel." The "god from the machinery" bit comes from old Greek theater. See, actors playing gods would sometimes intervene with the play's plot to bring out the end. They were suspended above the stage by cranes, a machine. Hence, "god from the machine". Deus ex machina is the Latin translation of the original Greek version, and it's what's used to this day. So, just like in those old Greek plays, something convenient and contrived happens to save the characters, which is the deus ex machina.
Vapor: Great, another wall of text. Why do I ask things like that?
Lord Seth: For more information, visit Wikipedia! And I'm not just saying that because I'm getting a hundred dollars for every time I bring that site up!
Suddenly he sat up. His voice became more confident. "I will set you free." Suddenly her chain rusted and cracked.
Lord Seth:
Hip: And you'd better not screw this up! I was saving that ice power for a prank on you!
Vapor: He went from "I'm so weak" to breaking Kootie Pie out. How convenient.
She saw a magic wand. To her surprise, it was hers. She walked out.
Lord Seth: Yes, Mario chained them to a wall and left the wands right next to them. You'd have to be REALLY genre blind to do something that stupid.
Vapor: Well, it IS Mario we're talking about, here.
Lord Seth: Since when has Mario been canonically stupid? He seems pretty smart in the games.
Vapor: Stop ruining my jokes!
Lord Seth: That's ANOTHER taste of your own medicine!
As she appeared outside, Kootie Pie saw she was next to Mario's house. 'He probably built a dungeon,' she thought. Then a huge energy blast came from the trees. She dodged it.
Lord Seth: The trees are attacking! What will they think of next?
Vapor: I don't even care to know how he built a dungeon so fast.
"So the little Koopette wants to play?" Mario said with heavy sarcasm.
Lord Seth: I fail to see the sarcasm, let alone heavy sarcasm.
Vapor: Sarcasm usually means that you mean the opposite of what you're saying. So maybe there was so much sarcasm that it cancelled itself out.
He blasted again, but Kootie Pie whipped out her wand.
Lord Seth: Wasn't he using HER wand to attack originally?
Vapor: Yay, plot holes!
Lord Seth: Wait a minute, Kootie Pie did pick up her wand earlier. Mario must be using another person's wand.
Vapor: Plot hole closed!
Lord Seth: Just a few zillion left.
She blocked the blast and continued blocking. Then, the song from Sailor Moon came to her mind.
Lord Seth: Re-energized by the hope she would never have to listen to that song again, she defeated Mario.
Vapor: Ooo, here comes the big, final battle! Maybe it'll make up for the problems of the story!
She made a few changes and the new song inspired her to sing it.
Lord Seth: Yes, that's right. You're in the middle of a fight, and you start singing.
Vapor: Okay, singing, THEN the battle!
In the Night
Here I'm standing in the night, my magic wand the only light
Alone against my darkest fear, but I sense my sibs are near
I'll draw from each the power I need, Evil Plumber we will defeat!
Give me the strength to carry on. With all our power we can't go wrong. Only together face the fight, nothing can stand our might!
Lord Seth: Singing the song she made up on the spot is going to somehow completely energize her. How cheesy.
Vapor: Right after this is the battle!
Little by little she sensed the presence of her brothers. Her father was not sensed, though. One by one her brothers gave her power.
Lord Seth: Weren't they all knocked out?
Vapor: Her song and singing were so bad they woke up, then offered their powers to shut her up. Which will make the battle even cooler!
"Desert Power!" Big Mouth cried.
Vapor: The final battle is coming! I bet it'll be epic!
"Grass Power!" Cheatsy chorused.
Vapor: Oh boy! With all this buildup, I'm sure we'll get an awesome final battle!
"Big Power!" Hop cried.
Vapor: Even more buildup! I bet this will be the battle to end all battles!
"ICE POWER!" Hip cried, louder than anyone.
Lord Seth: Given that there are still more people who need to shout out these phrases for some random reason, how can we know it's louder than anyone?
Vapor: Are they summoning Captain Planet? Oh well. I'm sure it'll make the final battle that much more awesome.
"Sky Power!" Bully's strong voice cried.
Vapor: All right! Almost time for the final battle!
"Plant Power!" Kooky's devious voice echoed.
Lord Seth: Great. Inconsistency within inconsistency! Ludwig, who should have been Kooky in the first place to keep with the rest of the names, is suddenly Kooky when he was previously Ludwig!
Vapor: Who cares? With all of this buildup, we're going to have a final battle so awesome, none of the plot holes will matter!
"WATER POWER!" Kootie Pie yelled. "UNITE!"
Lord Seth:
Bowser: And I'll form the head!
Vapor: Head of what?
Lord Seth: The Deus Ex Machina Giant Robot.
Vapor: Well, whatever. At least this battle promises to be one of epic proportions.
Give me the strength to carry on! With all our strength we can't go wrong!
Only together we face the fight, nothing can stand against our might!
With all our strength the battle's won, with all our power we can't go wrong!
We have the strength to carry on!
Lord Seth: Yes, in the middle of action, randomly insert bad music.
Vapor: HERE WE GO! MAXIMUM EPICNESS! I bet it'll make the climax of Gurren Lagann look like the ending of Monty Python and the Holy Grail!
The next day…
Vapor: Alrighty! It's here! The big final clash between two superpowers that will boggle the… Wait, what?
Lord Seth: Woah, woah, WOAH! That's it? She just sings, powers up, and that's it? We don't see the end of the fight or ANYTHING? Not even so much as an "in this incredibly cheesy powered-up state that's a blatant deus ex machina, she defeats Mario"? Would that really be so hard?
"Hey!" Kootie Pie cried. "WHO TOOK MY NAIL POLISH?!" She ran downstairs. Her brothers were working on something.
Lord Seth: They were working on a revised, better version of this story.
Vapor: But… but… The battle, the battle of titans…
"LEMME SEE!" she yelled. They held up the project. It said in purple nail polish:
Lord Seth: Something that no one cares about.
Vapor: Ooh, I bet they'll have a flashback! Y'know, to show how she defeated Mario! This is just building it up to be even more epic!
Thanx Kootie Pie. From,
Bully Kookie Big Mouth Hip Hop Cheatsy
Lord Seth: Okay, first he's Ludwig when he should have been Kooky. Then he's suddenly Kooky. Now he's KOOKIE?
Vapor: C'mon… Flashback!
"Aw, how sweet!" she said. "Thank you."
Lord Seth:
Kootie Pie: Thank you for finally finishing all of this.
Vapor: Here it comes! Flashback! Oh boy! The battle! The battle will be awesome! It will be-
Vapor: ...
Lord Seth: Well, that's that.
Vapor: I'm going to have a nervous breakdown now. Please don't try to stop me.
The door sequence is seen again, but just to make it slightly different, one door opens a millisecond later.
Vapor: But where was the epic battle? I WANT MY EPIC BATTLE!
Lord Seth: Um... um...
Lord Seth quickly pulls out two very badly-made puppets of Wendy and Mario. He has them hit each other.
Vapor: Woohoo! Now THAT'S a battle!
Lord Seth: Well, we lived through another cheesy story with our limited sanity intact.
Vapor: Huzzah!
Lemmy appears on the viewscreen.
Lemmy: Argh! You survived!
Lord Seth: Yes, we survived.
Lemmy: Well, one day, after a great deal of rummaging, I will find something bad enough to finish you off!
Lord Seth: Please, Lemmy. If we survived A Haunting Past, nothing else is going to be able to break our spirits.
Vapor: Face it, unless you start sending us stuff that isn't from Lemmy's Land, or things someone else already suffered through, we're going to survive this.
Lemmy: You raise a good point... Perhaps that "Eye of Argon" story has another use...
Lord Seth: Darn it, Vapor! Why'd you have to give him ideas?
Vapor: Because... I'm stuuuupid.
Lord Seth: Hrm, I need to mention Wikipedia again to get that extra money. Let's see... For information on Wikipedia, please visit Wikipedia! All right! Now that's the way to end it.
Vapor: I liked my final line better.
Lord Seth: Oh, shut up.
"Say 'Nighty-nighty' brat!" Mario said. He drew his fist back and launched.
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